“Is it Will?” Leslie asked. “Did he say he didn’t want to have children?”
“No! Will has nothing to do with my reservations about raising a family.”
“Have you talked about it?”
“Only in general terms. And please don’t bring the subject up, Mom. I would die of embarrassment and I can’t imagine Will would feel very comfortable talking about it either.”
Leslie’s reply was crisp. “Fine, I won’t bring it up,”
With an exaggerated sigh, Leslie stood up and scooted the chair in, clearly unhappy at being shut out. Serena should have known it was too good to be true when her mother returned to the task of preparing dinner with no further comment. She heard the oven door open and close and the soft shuffle of her mother’s feet as she moved around the kitchen. For those few, brief moments in which her mother remained silent, Serena allowed herself to believe that was the end of it. But, of course, it wasn’t.
“If you don’t want to discuss your reasons with me, I guess I have to accept it, but you really should let Will know how you feel before you get married.”
“Married!” Serena choked out.
“Isn’t that what two people do when they’re in love?”
Serena didn’t reply right away. How could she? If she gave the obvious answer and said yes, it would only pave the pathway for a whole new slew of questions. Thank God, Will wasn’t within earshot of the kitchen right now. Yes, she dreamed of being his wife, but he hadn’t even broached the subject of marriage and she didn’t want him to feel pressured into asking her. Of course, she wouldn’t have to worry about it for long because Serena was positive she would die of mortification if her mother started hinting at setting a wedding date.
There was only one way to spare both her and Will the embarrassment they were about to be subjected to, and that was to nip this conversation in the bud before they all sat down to dinner. Clamming up would make her mother think there was something wrong with their relationship, and getting defensive would give the impression Serena had something to hide. Self preservation and the desire to shield Will meant she had no choice but to go on the offense; not an easy task for someone who preferred to remain quietly in the background and avoid confrontation.
“You’re fishing, Mom,” she asserted. “Much more subtle than your usual head-on approach, but you are not going to wheedle anything out of me because there is nothing to tell.”
“Meaning Will hasn’t asked you to marry him yet?”
“No. We haven’t discussed marriage or children or plans for the future. Right now we’re just…taking it one day at a time.”
“Are you afraid to talk about those things with Will?”
She shook her head, the denial on the tip of her tongue. For as long as she could remember, Rose had been the one she turned to when something troubled her. It wasn’t because she felt her mother was unapproachable, but there always seemed to be some drama revolving around McKinley, or the boys were being a pain, and Serena could never bring herself to add to the burden.
Then after the attack, she had shut her mother out completely. It suddenly occurred to her how much it must have hurt; knowing your child had been violated in the worst possible way, watching them slowly slip away from you and feeling utterly helpless to do anything about it. Serena hadn’t missed the caution in her mother’s voice just now, and why wouldn’t she try to guard herself against the rejection she expected from her daughter?
“Yes,” she finally said, “I guess I am a little afraid.”
“Have you…talked to Rose about it?”
Serena’s chest tightened. All this time, she thought she’d been sparing her mother from further worry when the reality was she had only compounded it. Choked with emotion, she cleared her throat then let the words spill out.
“No, I think sometimes a girl just needs her mom, you know?”
***
He should have made a noise of some sort; coughed, rattled the empty beer bottles he was holding, anything to let them know he was there. Will glanced down at Rufus, feeling even guiltier for ease dropping because the silly mutt seemed to be emulating him and hadn’t made a sound. Maybe Rufus sensed, just as he did, how important it was not to intrude on the two women yet. One thing Will knew for sure; confiding in her mother was monumental for Serena. And yes, he should have backed away and let them have this private moment, but he had been rooted to the spot when he heard
Serena’s reply about being afraid to talk to him. Right or wrong, he couldn’t leave until he heard what else she had to say.
“Is Will that difficult to talk to?” Leslie asked.
“No! He’s been wonderful…patient, more patient than anyone I know. But I’m scared, Mom.”
“That he won’t ask you to marry him, or that he will?”
“That he will,” Serena said miserably. “What if he asks me and then realizes he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with a…a blind woman?”
“Will doesn’t seem like the type to do something without thinking it through,” Leslie replied. “He wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t sure it was what he wanted.”
“Well…what about children? He probably hasn’t even considered how useless I would be. I mean, how can I take care of a baby properly? And once our child becomes a mobile toddler, how can I protect them from climbing on stairs or sticking their finger into a light socket, or…or…getting into cupboards with dangerous cleaners? What if our child got hurt because of me?”
Leslie calmly dismissed each of Serena’s concerns. “You wouldn’t be the first blind woman to have a child, and I’m sure they all have the same worries. But like everything else you thought was impossible to do without your sight, if it’s something you really want, you will find a way to accomplish it. As for all the other things you mentioned, the solutions are simpler than you think. A baby gate in front of the stairs, socket protectors over all the outlets, child proof locks on cupboards, and don’t forget you’ll have Rufus there when Will is at work. He’ll watch after your little one just as he watches after you.”
There was long pause before Serena spoke, her voice thick with emotion. “Even if I convince myself I’m capable of taking care of a baby, how can I deal with the pain of knowing I will never be able to see my own child?”
“That’s any easy one to answer,” Leslie said gently. “It will be a part of you and Will, conceived out your love for each other. You will see your baby, honey. You’ll see him the same way you see Will now; with your heart.”
“You’re pretty g-good at this mother s-stuff,” Serena stammered tearfully.
Leslie sounded just as weepy when she replied. “It can get a little bumpy sometimes, but I promise you will never regret it, not for one single moment.”
Conscious that he had lingered longer than he should have and how embarrassing it would be if one of the men came to see what was taking him so long, Will decided it was time to make his presence known. He took a few steps backwards, purposely rattling the empty beer bottles before proceeding to the kitchen entranceway. Leslie smiled warmly before turning back to the cake she was frosting, but not before he caught the shimmer of tears in her eyes. Pretending not to notice, Will took a stab at being humorous.
“Rufus and I were nominated to fetch another round but I couldn’t get the lazy animal to help carry the bottles.”
“That’s because my dog has more pride than you do,” Serena laughed. “Such menial tasks are beneath him.”
Will grinned as he deposited the bottles in the recycle bin. “We’ll see how much pride his royal highness has the next time he wants one of those beef basted treats he’s so fond of.”
The rest of the evening was filled with the same light hearted banter he and Serena had exchanged in the kitchen. There was only one uncomfortable moment when Sawyer asked why McKinley wasn’t there, causing a definite lull in the conversation. Will caught the look of concern that flickered across Tony’s face when he glanced at Serena, as well as
the almost imperceptive shake of his head when his eyes moved to his wife. And if Leslie’s voice was a little too cheery when she explained McKinley had a previous engagement but sent her love, no one else seemed to notice.
It wasn’t until much later as Will lay in bed that he had time to think about the conversation he’d overheard. Serena was tucked up close by his side, her soft skin still moist from making love, an occasional purr of contentment escaping her kiss swollen lips. She’d barely said a word on the ride home and hadn’t offered more than a few sentences once they were inside the house. He finally gave up the one sided conversation and left her sitting on the sofa in the living room while he went to let Rufus outside to do his nightly business.
He’d waited by the door until Rufus was ready to come back in, hoping that all Serena needed was a little time to herself in order to shake off the somber mood she was in. He suspected the things she had discussed with her mother were weighing pretty heavily on her because she wanted to share her feelings with him but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Which left Will in a bit of a quandary. His first impulse was to comfort Serena, to put her mind at ease and tell her all the things she wanted to hear. But he wasn’t ready to talk about marriage or plans for the future yet.
As it turned out, he didn’t have to say anything to Serena. By the time he returned to the living room, she was gone. He stood there for several minutes, staring at the empty spot on the sofa as if she would magically reappear. Apparently, Rufus wasn’t nearly as fascinated by the vacant sofa as Will was because he stayed just long enough to determine Serena wasn’t there before trotting off down the hall towards her bedroom.
He considered spending the night in his own room since Serena obviously wanted to be by herself, but the thought of crawling into bed without her was about as appealing as taking a mule kick square to the chest. Will turned off the light in the living room and headed for the stairs, veering left at the last minute with a purposeful stride towards Serena’s room. He was a little surprised to find the door open and Serena perched on the edge of the bed as if she had been waiting for him.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“I know,” Serena rose to her feet, “but not now. I need you, Will. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. I just want to feel.”
In truth, he was more than happy to forestall talking and make love to her instead. It was different this time; more passionate, more giving, more…everything. There was no doubt he had done as she asked and driven every troubled thought from her mind because she’d done the same for him. He’d gotten lost in the taste of Serena’s kisses, the feel of her satiny skin, the sound of those soft, throaty moans as he drove himself into her moist heat. But now that their hunger for each other had been satiated, Will’s mind began to function again.
“Serena, are you awake?”
“Hmmmm,” she mumbled. “But if you’re thinking about going another round, I don’t have the strength.”
Will smiled in the darkness. “The mind is willing but the body is weak.”
“Which means you’ve been thinking,” she said with a wistful sigh.
“I…uh…overhead some of the conversation you had with your mother.”
“I was afraid of that.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No…not yet, anyway. But there is something I want to ask you. I’ve given it some thought and I want…no, I need to do something. For me…for us. But I can’t do it alone.”
“What is it you want me to do?” Will asked, an icy sliver of foreboding boring its way into in his chest.
Serena drew in a deep breath, expelling it slowly before she spoke. “I told my mother why I was afraid to talk to you about our…relationship, our future together…”
“I heard,” Will cut her off. “She was right, Serena. I love you. Whether you ever regain your sight or not, I will always love you, always be here for you.”
“I know,” she said softly, “and I have to accept that I might never see again. But if there is a chance to get my sight back, no matter how small it is, I have to try.”
Will’s brows drew together. “What do you mean, you have to try?”
“I mean, I haven’t tried to deal with the attack or my blindness, not really. The therapists, my family, you – everyone tried to help me, but not once did I try to help myself. I buried the memories and simply accepted I was blind because it was easier that way. Rose is the only who recognized that, or maybe she was just the only one who had the guts to tell me. She said that by taking the path of least resistance, in essence I had chosen to be blind.”
“Do you believe that?”
“I didn’t at the time. I was so angry with her, I didn’t want to listen to anymore, but you know Rose. If she has something to say, she’s going to say it whether you want to hear it or not. The point is…when those boys held me down, I didn’t have a choice about what happened to me. And I certainly didn’t choose to be blind as a result, but I think
Rose was right and that I never regained my sight because I chose not to.”
“On a subconscious level, you mean.”
“At first, yes. The doctor called it hysterical blindness. The physiological stress caused by the trauma of what I went through manifested in a physical manner, triggering what should have been a temporary blindness.”
“But it wasn’t temporary, and you think that’s because you consciously chose not to see?”
“In a way, yes. I blocked out most of what happened, but when you and I talked about it that night you came to my room, I told you I remembered keeping my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to see what…what they were doing to me. And then afterwards, I didn’t open them because I wanted to stay in the dark. I felt safe there. It’s like when you were a kid and you pulled the blankets up over your head because the shadows looked like monsters and it scared you. In your heart, you knew the blanket couldn’t protect you, but as long as you couldn’t see what was lurking in the shadows, you felt safe.”
Will was thoughtful for moment. “If that’s true, then making a conscious decision to see again would restore your eyesight.”
“I wish it was that simple,” Serena said, “but I think the decision has to be on both levels. That’s why I need your help.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I need two things. First, I want you to tell me everything you remember about that night, from the time you got there until you found me in the cave. If you can tell me who was there and what they were doing, maybe it will trigger something in my own memory of arriving at the party and why I went inside the cave.”
“It was a long time ago, but I’ll do my best. What’s the second thing?”
“I know this sounds crazy,” there was a slight tremor in her voice, “but it’s the only way I can truly face this thing and rid myself of the past for good. Will, I…I want you to take me there…back to the cave where the nightmare first began.”
Chapter 15
Serena got out of bed and reached for her robe, the numbness from Will’s flat refusal gradually giving way to the raw pain of betrayal. Cramming her arms into the sleeves of the robe, she scurried off to the bathroom on shaky limbs, ignoring Will’s plea to come back to bed. No. He’d told her no! Didn’t he have any idea how hard it was for her to make the decision to go back inside that cave? Surely he must know how important it was to her. Why else would she put herself through something like that?
She had actually been proud of herself for asking him without sounding as fragile as she felt. But maybe that was because she had also been confident he would agree to do it. Serena swiped away a rogue tear with the back of her hand as she slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Despite the sharp, stabbing pain in her chest, a childish sense of satisfaction brought a grim smile to her face when she heard a loud clamor followed by a muttered string of expletives. Will was obviously trying to maneuver his way in the dark, unsuccessfully by the sound of it. Goo
d. She hoped he had a bruise the whole length of his shin!
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