“Well, that was very…touching,” McKinley finally said. “But if you expect some heart wrenching sob story about how ashamed I am for being such a bad sister, I’m afraid you’re all going to be sorely disappointed. I know you think I’m selfish, that I never consider anyone else’s feelings but my own, and that’s fine because you’re right. I do whatever I have to do to get what I want, and if that means tromping on someone else, so be it. I suppose that makes me cold and heartless, but one of the glorious things about not having a conscious is that I don’t suffer from the senseless guilt the rest of you do.”
“You can’t mean that,” Rose sounded horrified by her niece’s admission.
McKinley’s tone was harsh. “I am what I am, Rose, and I won’t apologize for it. So…I gather from your casual attire and Serena’s little slip about the flashlights that you intend to take a trip to the cave? I thought so,” she replied smugly when no one responded. “I don’t suppose any of you bothered to tell Mom and Dad about this?”
“It…it was my decision,” Serena’s chin jutted up.
Okay, so maybe she didn’t quite pull off the confident air she was aiming for, but at least she’d stood up for herself. She had come a long way since Will first moved in, and though she didn’t relish the idea of going this round with McKinley on her own, Serena knew she had to do it. She was stronger now, and with Will and Rose here boosting her courage, she felt capable of handling her sister.
“It was my decision,” she repeated more firmly. “I didn’t want them to interfere.”
“For God’s sake,” McKinley’s voice rose sharply, “you were a basket case for months!
Even after you started college, you were barely functional. You freaked anytime a man came near you and woke up in a cold sweat every night from nightmares. And that was when you had no memory of what happened. Do you really want to risk turning into that cowering mouse again?”
“I won’t…I’m better now, s-stronger.”
“St-st-stronger,” McKinley mocked. “You can’t even say it without st-stuttering. Just looking at you is like watching a sapling try to stay rooted in a tornado. Going to that cave will do more harm than good, and I’m not just talking about you. You need to consider how this will affect Rose and Will too.”
“This is about me…”
“Wrong, little sister. If…when you crack under the pressure, Mom and Dad will never forgive Rose or Will.”
“I have to face my fears,” Serena said, annoyed by the quiver in her voice.
“But you don’t face your fears, Serena, you never have. You run and hide from them. The only thing you need to face is that you’re like a vase that’s been shattered and glued back together. Jogging your memory won’t do anything but send you over the edge again, only this time those pieces will stay broken.”
Serena shook her head slowly. Had McKinley always been so cruel? It almost seemed as if she enjoyed digging the knife in and giving it a good, hard twist. Serena thought about her childhood and tried to recall if there was ever a time she’d felt a true bond with her sister. Snippets of memories sifted through her mind, silly things that shouldn’t matter anymore but for some reason still affected her deeply. Her favorite doll dismembered; the little plastic arms and legs flung across Serena’s bedroom floor. Somehow all of her favorite toys ended up broken or missing altogether. Mishaps that always involved McKinley.
And there were other hurtful, hateful things McKinley did. Like laughing at Serena when she’d raced into McKinley’s room to model her first party dress. Oh my God, Serena, you can’t wear that! Your legs are so skinny, you look like a stork. Do you want everyone to make fun of you? Serena had been devastated because she’d felt like a princess in that dress. With the party only a few hours away, she’d had no choice but to wear it, which seemed to irritate McKinley.
Well, at least let me do something with that hair, McKinley said, clearly horrified when Serena told her she planned on wearing it down. Serena had been twelve at the time, and except for an occasional trim, she’d never cut her hair. It was thick and shiny, and hung a few inches past her waist, and Serena thought it was one of her limited assets. But she wanted McKinley’s approval so badly, she let her sister talk her into cutting it. You don’t get to see it until I’m done, McKinley insisted as she brandished a pair of scissors and began snipping at Serena’s hair.
Serena had burst into tears when McKinley finally finished and passed her a mirror. It was cropped close to her head and cut unevenly so that some patches of hair barely covered her scalp while other clumps of it stuck out at odd angles. Wow, I really botched that job, McKinley said, a malicious gleam in her eyes. It looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory, but don’t worry, it will grow back…eventually. The real tragedy was that McKinley convinced her to take the blame and say she had hacked her own hair off. Look, Serena, you have to do this. Mom will be furious if she knows I did it, but you won’t get in trouble because she’ll feel sorry for you.
Serena couldn’t count the number of times she’d covered for McKinley, and not once had her sister ever repaid the favor. All her life, she had been little more than a door mat for McKinley to wipe her feet on. It was humiliating, and she was ashamed of herself; not only for allowing McKinley free rein to malign her but also for taking so long to recognize that McKinley derived some sort of sadistic pleasure from hurting her and making her feel insignificant. Serena was forced to acknowledge that having a confrontation with her sister wasn’t what scared her but the possibility that in doing so, McKinley would admit she didn’t love her.
But I’ve known that all along, haven’t I? Deep down inside, I have always known that McKinley despised my weakness. If she has any feelings for me at all, it is pity and loathing, not love. It was never love.
She was aware that Will and Rose had jumped to her defense and were arguing with McKinley, but Serena was too lost in her own thoughts to take notice of the harsh words being exchanged. Her hand moved to her stomach where the prickle of uneasiness was rapidly escalating into something much more powerful. McKinley never wanted a sister; she didn’t like sharing the spotlight and had taken every opportunity to push Serena out of it and into a darkened corner.
McKinley might have been content with tormenting her on the sly…as long as Serena remained in her shadow. After all, Serena wasn’t a threat to her. McKinley was the undisputed queen of the school. If she said a particular brand of jeans were all the rage, the other girls flocked to the stores and bought them. If she decided to let someone into her circle of friends, they became popular overnight. With one encouraging smile, she could have had any boy in the school. Except Will.
Except Will.
Serena’s pulse was racing. Except Will. She could feel it throbbing in her temples, pounding inside her head as if it was trying to drown out the words. Except Will. It was a mantra that kept repeating itself, over and over and over until she felt dizzy and sick to her stomach. There was a heaviness in her chest, a sorrow like nothing she had ever felt before that made her wish she could reach inside and rip her own heart out before the pain of it became unbearable.
Serena dragged air into her lungs, conscious of the silence that had fallen over the room. She heard Will ask if she was okay, but his voice seemed to be coming from some place far away. He tried to coerce her into the living room to sit down, but she pulled away from him, somehow finding the strength to stand on her own.
Except Will.
She understood the significance now, remembered who had said those words and when. Those two words were the key to the door she had locked so many years ago, and now that it was open, Serena was helpless to keep the memories from tumbling out. A sharp pain speared through her head as a series of white lights exploded behind her eyes, and for those few brief minutes she thought her sight was coming back. But when the pain in her head ended as suddenly as it had begun, her world was shrouded in darkness once more.
“Serena, what’s wrong? Talk to me, honey,�
�� Will pleaded.
The warmth of his strong hands on her shoulders jolted Serena out of the downhill spiral her viciously vivid memories had plunged her into. All she wanted to do was throw herself in his arms and surrender to the emotions that were swamping her. But there were things that needed to be said, here and now, before the raw edge of pain began to dull. Seven years ago, she protected herself in the only way she knew how; she had picked up a shield and hidden behind it. But the shield was gone now, and there was nothing left to do but acknowledge the ugly truth of her sister’s betrayal. Sink or swim, she told herself, treading water is no longer an option.
“I’m fine,” she mustered a thin smile.
“You don’t look fine,” Will’s tone was gruff, but she knew it was only because he was worried about her.
“I had a few…flashbacks, that’s all. It rattled me for a minute but I’m okay now.”
“You remembered something?”
“Yes, but…Will, I want you to do something for me. Without asking questions. I promise to explain later, but right now I just need to speak to McKinley…alone.”
“Alone? Why do you…”
“Please,” she said softly, “I know what I’m doing.”
There was a long pause before Will replied. “All right, sweetheart, if that’s what you really want. Rose and I will wait out on the porch.” She felt the brush of his lips against her cheek. “I love you,” he whispered in her ear before turning to Rose. “Come on, Rose, we’ll take Rufus out with us. He’s better than a weather balloon when it comes to detecting a bad storm.”
“A storm?” Rose sounded bewildered as they shuffled through the door. “There’s not a cloud in the sky…”
Serena shook her head; poor Rose didn’t have a clue what Will was talking about. Very clever, Will, she mused. He knew there was a strong connection between her and Rufus, how in tuned the dog was to her emotions. If things got out of hand with McKinley, Rufus would pick up on it and let them know.
She was grateful for his insight and suspected that wasn’t the only reason for taking Rufus outside while she confronted McKinley. Rufus was fiercely protective of her, despite his gentle nature, and she had no idea what he would do if McKinley raised her voice in anger or made any threatening moves. No, it was going to be difficult enough to get through this without having the added distraction of trying to keep Rufus from taking a chomp out of her sister.
“Okay, they’re gone,” McKinley said, a sharp edge to her voice. “Let’s get this little heart to heart over with. It’s obvious I’m not going to talk any sense into you, not with those two encouraging this insane idea of yours.”
“You’re entitled to your opinion,” Serena shrugged, attempting to sound indifferent. It couldn’t have been farther from the truth, but she wasn’t ready to lay her cards on the table just yet. “I am curious as to why you are so opposed to it though.”
“I told you why. You’re not up to it, Serena. You’re going to fall to pieces and end up right back where you started at.”
“You’re wrong. You’re also being dishonest. I think the reason you don’t want me to go back to the cave is because you don’t want me to remember what really happened that night.”
“Well, of course I don’t,” McKinley snapped. “You were so traumatized by it you were practically catatonic for weeks. I just don’t want to see you go through that again.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Serena shook her head.
“You don’t know that. Regaining your memory could trigger a worse response than before.”
Serena’s laugh was bitter. “Worse than being blind? Worse than being terrified of every male I encounter? Worse than being afraid to go to sleep because I know I’ll be terrorized by nightmares? I couldn’t even imagine having a normal relationship with a man until Will came back into my life.”
“Well you’ve certainly gotten over that fear,” McKinley shot back.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, come on, Serena. You know exactly what I mean. Do you honestly think you will be able to conquer all your phobias just because Will managed to worm his way into your bed?”
It was a crude remark, one that was meant to throw Serena off balance or perhaps reduce her to tears, but she refused to fold so easily. What did bother her was that McKinley didn’t seem to be fishing for an answer as whether Serena had slept with Will. She’d made the bald statement as if she knew it for a certain fact. But the only way McKinley could possibly know for sure was if…
“Oh, my God,” Serena’s throat tightened in shock, “tell me you haven’t been prowling around outside at night peeking into my bedroom window!”
“Don’t be ridiculous! I have better things to do with my time than lurk around your bedroom windows.”
“Then how did you know?”
“Honestly, Serena…”
“I want to know,” Serena persisted. “For once in your life, tell the truth.”
“All right, I’ll tell you. Fair warning, you’re not going to like it. I came over here late one night and let myself in. I planned on sneaking upstairs and slipping into Will’s bed.” She paused for a moment when Serena gasped, then continued in a voice that was brittle and far from contrite. “He’d been…unreceptive before, but in my experience no man can resist a naked woman, especially one that is already in his bed.”
“You don’t honestly believe Will would have had sex with you just because you crawled into his bed!”
“God, you are so naïve, Serena. Will is no different than any other man, with the possible exception of feeling guilty afterwards. At any rate, it didn’t happen so I guess we’ll never know. I decided to check on you first, to make sure you were asleep. That’s when I saw the two of you in bed together.”
An entire brigade of emotions marched through her; shock, disbelief, disgust, anger…none of them good. How was she supposed to respond to something like that? It was unnerving to know McKinley had crept into the house with the intention of seducing Will, but what really rattled Serena was the lack of shame or remorse for having done it. In fact, she suspected that was the same night McKinley ran to their parents professing to be worried sick that Will was taking advantage of her baby sister.
Jealousy. That’s what had driven McKinley to try to convince their parents that Will was some sort of predator. With sudden clarity, Serena saw the whole picture now, not just the bits and pieces that had tormented her over the years. Her sister viewed Will as a conquest. It made her angry when he rejected her, but she would have gotten over it eventually. If Will hadn’t chosen the one person in the world who could turn McKinley’s anger into a spiteful, jealous rage.
McKinley could have justified losing Will to someone who was as beautiful and vivacious as she was, but to lose out to her mousy little sister? It was inconceivable; the ultimate insult to her ego, and it ate at her like a cancerous tumor. There was no doubt in Serena’s mind that McKinley’s jealousy was responsible for the horrific acts of violence that occurred the night of the party. She nearly destroyed Serena and had pushed Will into hunting down those boys and jeopardizing his own future. Indirectly, McKinley had also cost Steven Bennett his life. And she had never been held accountable for any of it.
Until now.
Chapter 18
“Except Will,” Serena said in a hoarse whisper.
The choking sound that emanated from McKinley’s throat told Serena all she needed to know. She wasn’t fooled by the futile attempt to cover it up with a cough, nor did she try to stop McKinley from fleeing to the kitchen on the pretense of getting a glass of water. Let her stall for time. Let her warped, devious mind work out all the excuses and lies it wanted to. Serena was done playing games. One way or another, she was going to hear the truth from McKinley’s own mouth.
A strange sort of calm enveloped her when she heard McKinley’s step falter more than once as she made her way back to the foyer. It gave her a sense of power to know she was in contr
ol of her emotions and that it was McKinley whose nerves were on edge. But she wasn’t under any illusions, not anymore. And now that she understood what the endless assaults on her self-esteem had been about, Serena could no longer hide beneath a cloak of denial.
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