by T. K. Chapin
Walking out the door, she shut the door behind her.
“Wow. What’s her problem?” Alex shook his head and walked into the kitchen.
Following him into the kitchen, I leaned a hand against the counter. “She’s upset because of everything you’ve done, Alex.”
“I have nothing to do with her. It’s not my fault she’s angry.” He poured a cup of the leftover coffee from last night into a cup and took a gulp.
Closing the distance between us, I pulled his arm to make him face me. With only a foot between us, I looked him squarely in the eye.
“We thought you were dead out in those woods, Alex. I know I told you last night that you could skip out rehab and try again at my house, but you’d better not disappoint me again. I’m risking everything.”
He set his coffee mug on the counter and shook his head. “That life is over, brother. I’m not going to let you down again.”
Sidestepping away from him, I went over to the counter where my cell phone was plugged into the wall and powered it on. I needed to make things right with Charlie and apologize about my no-call, no-show last night.
After explaining what happened to him, I finished by saying, “And again, I’m sorry. I’ll be there tonight.”
“I don’t like what this friend Alex has done to you. You hid the fact that you caught him out behind the church drinking. You don’t show up to work and don’t call. What’s next, James?”
“With all due respect, sir, it’s none of your business what I do outside the church. I’m sorry I missed my shift, but I think we’re done here.” I felt attacked and immediately felt the Lord pressing on my heart that I had gone too far, just like I had with Faith.
There was a brief silence that followed. Then Charlie let out a sigh.
“When you came to me for a job over a year ago, you wanted the associate pastor’s gig. I’ve got news for you, kid. Your life outside the church matters just as much as it does inside. I’m retracting the offer for preaching on Wednesday night. You can resume your usual duties of janitor work tonight, but if you keep having issues, you won’t even have that.”
Click.
My heart flicked with a prick of pain as he hung up on me. Was I doing the right thing with Alex? Turning to see him sitting at the kitchen table, I saw him pulling my Bible over to himself and he opened it up. Knowing what was right and what was wrong was becoming increasingly more difficult to discern.
Chapter 33 - Faith
LATER THAT MORNING, AT ELEVEN o’clock, to be precise, I received another phone call from Victor. This time, I was available, and I took the call in my room as I stared out the open blinds at the lake.
“If dinner doesn’t work, how about a lunch? In thirty minutes? You name the place.”
I hesitated as I thought of James, but then I recalled his comments about not controlling each other’s actions. He even went as far as saying he’d be fine with me going out for a meal of sorts with Victor. Things suddenly made sense. He had only said those things because he didn’t want to be controlled.
“Sure. I can do lunch.” I stood up from the bed and walked closer to the window, still locking my gaze on the lake. “Where do you want to meet?”
“How about the usual spot in Spokane?”
I turned, glancing at the bed. “No, Victor. It’s not a date.”
“Okay, okay. Zips, the one off Francis.”
“I’ll be there in thirty.”
Hanging up with Victor, I went into the closet and picked out a pair of jeans and a plain blouse.
Arriving at Zips, I spotted him immediately upon entering. He was already seated with a tray of food for the two of us.
“You still like the Papa Joe burger and small fry?” he inquired, smiling as I sat down across from him.
“Yes. Thank you.” Taking the burger and fries from the tray, I brought them in front of me.
Bowing my head, I said a small prayer over the food and dug in.
Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I shrugged a shoulder. “So, are you looking for closure or what?”
“I just didn’t like how things ended.”
“You said that already. I doubt either of us enjoyed much of it. So what’s the game plan here in your mind? I don’t want a relationship.”
He took a sip of his soda and raised a hand. “No, no. No desire to get back with you. I’ve honestly cried a lot about all the pain I’ve inflicted on people, and you’re right up there on the top of the list. I wanted to formally ask for your forgiveness, Faith.”
Shocked, I stuck my head out as my eyebrows lifted. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“Of course I forgive you, Victor. What you did was horrible and wrong, but God forgives me, and I’m called to forgive others. I forgave you a long time ago.”
“Oh.” He seemed almost confused by my words.
Smiling, I shook my head. “Don’t you get it? God’s love is amazing. He moves in our hearts, heals our pains, and enables us to do the impossible, like forgive those who have wronged us. I’d never marry or date you again, but that doesn’t mean I withhold forgiveness. I do forgive you, and I truly hope for the best in your life.”
He started tearing up. “That’s so nice to hear, Faith.”
We finished our food and were getting up to leave the restaurant when he turned to me. “So the music thing is really working out for you, huh? Landing this gig and all.”
I shrugged. “We’ll see what the Lord has in store for the future. I’m praying constantly about it all.”
“That’s awesome. I remember thinking that Music Theory stuff you were taking in college was a waste, but I guess I was totally wrong about it.”
“Sometimes, we are wrong about things, but that’s not always a bad thing. Take care, Victor.”
“You take care too, Faith.”
Parting ways with Victor, I knew for certain that he’d no longer bother me. It was astonishing to me that the sole purpose of a meal was to ask my forgiveness. It had been so long, and he still seemed so broken up about it. It was amazing to see how a past hurt could stay wedged in a person’s soul, haunting them for years.
Chapter 34 - Faith
BY THE TIME I LEFT the inn that evening to go practice at the church, I had mostly calmed down from my emotions over what had happened that morning at James’s house. Entering the church, I heard the piano in the sanctuary playing. I took the side door in the foyer that led along the wall and up toward the stage. Slowing my steps as I came behind the stage and up the stairs, I listened as he sang and played Oh, My Soul. His voice was in perfect pitch as he hit each note.
The remaining residue of hurt and pain from that morning shattered like ice breaking away in my heart. My eyes moistened as I could feel his inner turmoil playing out on the keys beneath his fingertips, a struggle within that I couldn’t fully understand, but I could sense.
I continued across the stage and over to the music stand, and he stopped playing and twisted his body on the bench.
“Sorry. I thought you weren’t going to be here.”
Losing the strap of my purse off my shoulder, I set it down and crossed over to him. With a strained voice as I still felt his pain, I said, “James.”
“I’ll get out of your way.”
He closed the piano’s cover and gathered his music sheets, but I placed a hand on his at the piano.
“Maybe you don’t have to go.”
He paused, pondering the notion. Then he sat back down.
James turned toward me as he began to play. “You know Gracefully Broken?”
I nodded, a smile coming to my lips.
He started to sing, and then I joined in. Closing my eyes, I sang. My heart focused on the Lord, I let my praise pour out. Our voices couldn’t have been more made for each other as we ran through each portion of the song. Our voices danced and swayed across the sanctuary, sending chills down my spine.
As we finished the last note, silence soon filled the atmosphere between
us.
Spinning on his seat, he turned around to face me. Clasping his hands together, he looked up at me. “Faith, I want you to understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you this morning. I don’t ever want to cause you pain, and I feel like I did that very thing today. I’m truly sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. You are something to me, something very special and unique. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I think our relationship with God makes all the difference. I just became defensive with Alex. I feel like I need to help him. Jesus taught that if someone hits you, you turn the other cheek. He says to forgive seventy times seven. He says to give our all for others.”
“That’s true, James.” Coming closer, I bent my knees and put my hands atop his as I continued. “But the greatest commandment of all is to love the Lord with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul. Remember what Charlie said on Sunday? Remember that and ask yourself if you’re putting God first or your desire to help Alex.”
He looked away, then back at me. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he let out a sigh. “I feel like I am. I mean, I know my devotional time with God has been a little slack lately, but I’m helping some! Isn’t that what God wants? I’m giving everything of myself and risking it too, all in the hopes of Alex finding Jesus! He needs Jesus, and I’m the only Jesus he knows right now!”
“You are sacrificing a lot. I don’t doubt that for a second, James. But you know God wants our obedience more than our sacrifices. 1 Samuel 15:22.”
Standing up, he said, “Yeah, I know the Scripture, and there’s more than just that one. I don’t know what to do, but hey . . . thanks for the talk. I need to think and pray about it, but I’d better get started on cleaning. I have a lot to do tonight.”
He started to leave the stage, and I felt my heart cleaving toward him. A part of me wanted to run up and kiss him and hope everything would just go back to the way it was right before he said all those things this morning, but the other part of me didn’t.
I was scared.
“James.”
He stopped halfway up the carpet toward the sanctuary doors. He looked back at me.
“It’s not okay what you did to Charlie or the way you treated me earlier. But I do forgive you.”
“Thanks.” His head hung with guilt as he peered at the carpet. His gaze lifted to mine. “Would it be wrong if I kissed you right now?”
My heart warmed. Shrugging, I glanced up at the ceiling. “I don’t know.”
Hurrying his steps back to the stage, he jumped on stage and up to me. Pulling me in close, he peered into my eyes. “Just a kiss can’t hurt.”
He kissed me on the lips but ended it quickly.
Taking a step back, I remembered I don’t live at the inn. I don’t even live in Spokane. I shook my head. “James, I like you, but I don’t know what to do about us. I live all the way in Colville, and here in a couple of days, I’m leaving to go back there. I have a job and a life to return to. Maybe what happened earlier today was just meant to be and we can part ways now? It was a sign or something?”
“Colville isn’t that far. We could do long-distance.”
I shook my head as I recalled my last long-distance relationship in my freshman year in college. “I don’t do long-distance.”
“Okay.” His tone was somber. “Let’s get through the festival and let me get Alex in the right direction, and we’ll see where we are in a few months. Deal?”
I looked into his eyes and he into mine. We both knew what that really meant, that it would be over. My heart stung. How’d things go from bad to good and then to worse in a matter of minutes? My mind raced.
He came closer and leaned in to kiss me again, but I turned my cheek.
“No, James. I can’t.”
“Okay.”
This time, when he left the stage, I didn’t call after him and he didn’t turn back. He simply left.
Chapter 35 - James
THREE DAYS LATER, IT WAS the night of the Youth Festival and the event was in full swing. Teens were behind booths out in the foyer, handing out free inspirational Christian T-shirts, food, and soda. There was no cost to anything in the foyer or the concert itself, but donations were accepted. The reason behind not charging was simple. Pastor Charlie didn’t want anyone to have an excuse not to come, and most of the upfront cost had been covered by anonymous donations.
With two more bags of garbage in hand, I headed down the hallway toward the back door to take it out.
Charlie stepped out from his office, stopping me.
“James. Could you come here for a moment?”
It was odd to see him working in the office with everything going on. I set the bag of garbage down against the wall outside the office and crossed the doorway.
“Shut the door, please.”
My eyes widened and I turned and shut it.
“How’s Alex?”
Raising a suspicious eyebrow, I shrugged. “Fine. Why?”
He sat down in his chair behind the desk. “I feel bad that I’m not very supportive with all this in regard to him. I just see him as a troubled kid and I worry about you.”
I sat down in the chair across from his desk. “We’re back to that, eh?”
“Yes, we are. Your neighbor called me. They’ve been trying to reach you. There is a party going on at your house.”
Infuriated, I slapped the tops of my legs and relaxed my back into the chair. “I don’t know what to do with him.”
I shook my head, a grimace laced with disappointment on my face. “I had a gut feeling he was still using. I feel stuck trying to help him. He can’t even go back to Joe’s now, and he has nowhere to go other than the streets, Charlie. What am I supposed to do? Kick him out?”
“I don’t mean to sound jagged or mean when I say this, but yes. How are all of his issues your problem?”
“It’s not my problem at all, but I can’t shake the feeling of responsibility.”
Charlie got quiet for a moment and brought his hands together on his desk. Peering down between his hands for a moment, as if he prayed for a second, he then lifted his gaze to mine. “There’s a lot of stuff that goes on in the world that we don’t find in the Bible. But when we seek God in our decisions, we can find a correlation between the Scripture and the situation.”
“I agree! Like give your coat to people and take care of people.”
He raised a hand. “That’s true, James. But you know as much as I do that this situation with Alex isn’t right. Deep down, I know you know that. That’s why you feel stuck. Nobody has a stuck feeling when they are walking in God’s will and are aligned with our Lord’s direction for their life.”
He was right, and I knew it, and it displeased me greatly to have been so wrong and to have wasted so much time on Alex. The Holy Spirit pressed against my soul, using the words of Charlie in combination with the activity going on outside right then. Feeling convicted, I pinched the bridge of my nose as stress lapped against my heart.
“If you love him, James, you have to let him fall down and get hurt. You went through a similar period yourself. It wasn’t because people didn’t care about you, but they cared so much that they knew a dose of reality was the best thing for you.”
My chest felt like it had three hundred pounds of weight on it. Combing over the memories of my former life, I saw the couches, the drug houses, the late-night meals raiding my friends’ fridges. “I think that was part of my problem early on in my addiction. I always had a place to crash, a car, and a friend who fed me. Never had to worry about the essentials. If I would’ve fallen on my face a little sooner, skinned my knees up a little more . . . maybe I would’ve sobered up faster and had a chance to show my dad my getting clean before he died.”
“We all still have personal responsibility for our actions, James.”
“You’re right.”
“And Alex has to learn that actions have consequences. Your car is in the shop right now and costing you thousands because of your own action in
letting him drive. Whatever a man soweth, that will he also reap.”
I took a deep breath. “Thanks for the talk, man. You gave me a lot to pray and think about, and I have to tell you I’m sorry for what I said on the phone the other day. I know that how I conduct myself outside the church has a direct impact on how people view the church. I’m not dumb like the way I was acting.” I brought up a hand in front of me. “And don’t worry, I don’t expect you to let me come preach anytime soon or anything like that. It’s pretty obvious that I messed up and still have a lot of learning and growing to do before I’m worthy of preaching. Can I borrow your car to go break up the party before the festival really quick?”
“Sure.”
Getting up from my seat, I opened the office door and the music from down the hallway flooded in through the doorway. Smiling back at Charlie, I shut the door and grabbed the bags of garbage to toss in the trash on my way home.
Pulling into the driveway of my house, my blood boiled as I counted six cars in the drive. Music poured from the house as I approached. Praying as I rested my hand on the door handle, I asked God for strength.
Opening the door, I saw Alex in the midst of the crowd and a cloud of marijuana smoke.
“Alex.”
“Brother, come have a beer. We’re just celebrating what the good Lord has done. I’m sober!”
I shook my head. “Man . . . you can’t say you’re sober while holding a beer and taking hits.” I raised my voice and hollered at the strangers in my house. “Leave!”
The music stopped, and everyone started to leave except Alex.
He approached.
“What is wrong with you, Alex? Pot? Drinking? You’re not sober.”
“Whatever, man. I’m sober from the hard drugs, man. I still gotta take the edge off somehow, don’t I? It’s not illegal in Washington State. Get with the times.”
“I want you out of my house and out of my life, Alex. I’d better not see your face here when I get home tonight. I’m done with you.”
I felt more sadness in me than I did anger. I was disappointed in Alex. He had every chance to do the right thing, and he never chose to do it. As I walked toward the door to leave, his voice stopped me.