His gaze drifted across the room and he sighed when he saw her look the other way as soon as she realised that he was watching her. Lucy didn’t believe he had changed, did she? She didn’t believe he was genuine or even just one of the team. She didn’t like him, didn’t trust him and certainly didn’t love him, and it hurt to know that she felt that way.
Connor lifted the cup to his mouth and drank some of the coffee. It was hot and strong but it didn’t ease the pain he felt. All his life he’d struggled to prove himself and he had succeeded, too, to a point. His hard work had paid off and in a few years’ time he would have attained every goal he had set for himself.
Once upon a time that thought would have filled him with a sense of satisfaction, yet it meant very little to him now. His whole outlook on life had changed, his priorities shifted so far off their original track that it was hard to remember how important they had been. Once he had yearned for success, hungered for the chance to prove his worth and show everyone who had written him off—like his own mother—that they’d been wrong to do so.
Now it no longer mattered so much if he was successful in his career. Now there were more important issues to think about, ones that he had never touched upon before. He had never worried what people had thought of him but he did now. Especially one person. Her opinion mattered more than anyone else’s.
Connor put the cup on the table. His hands were shaking and he was afraid he would spill the rest of his coffee. Thoughts seemed to be crowding into his head one after the other until he felt completely overwhelmed. Then slowly one thought rose above all the rest, the one which would make his life mean something: he had to make Lucy believe in him.
Could he do it? Would he succeed? He didn’t know. But he had to try or everything he had achieved would be worthless.
CHAPTER TEN
THERE was quite a crowd gathered at Mark and Laura Dawson’s house by the time Lucy arrived on Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, the rain had stopped so the barbecue had been able to go ahead as planned. She kissed Laura then handed over the bowl of pasta salad she’d made as her contribution to the proceedings.
‘Thank you, but you really shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble,’ Laura scolded as she took the bowl from her. ‘I know what’s it like when you have a little one—there’s barely enough time to breathe most days!’
‘It wasn’t any trouble,’ Lucy assured her, lifting Izzy out of her buggy. She and Laura had worked together for several years until the other woman had left to have her third child. Laura had found it difficult to combine the demands of her family with her job so she had resigned. Now Lucy grinned at her.
‘So where’s the lord and master, then?’
‘If you mean Mark, he’s doing what all men are supposed to do on these occasions—tending the barbie!’ Laura laughed as she tickled Izzy under her chin. ‘He’s being amply assisted by all the other men so that leaves us women free to enjoy ourselves. How about a glass of wine and a nice long gossip for starters?’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Lucy declared, following her into the kitchen. Laura poured her a glass of wine then whisked Izzy out of her arms. ‘Let me have a cuddle while you drink that. My three think they’re too old for cuddles now and run a mile when they see me coming.’
Lucy laughed. ‘Maybe you should think about having another one if you’re feeling broody.’
‘Oh, I am, I am! I just haven’t told Mark yet.’
‘Told me what?’ a deep voice demanded.
Lucy turned when she recognised her host’s voice, her smile immediately disappearing when she saw the man who was with him. ‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded, staring at Connor in dismay.
‘Mark phoned me yesterday and very kindly invited me along,’ he replied smoothly. He put his glass on the table then calmly lifted Izzy out of Laura’s arms and kissed her on the cheek.
There was a moment’s stunned silence but Lucy could tell what Laura and Mark were thinking from the expressions on their faces. They had obviously worked out that Connor was Izzy’s father and Lucy had no idea what she was going to do. In the end it was Laura who came to her rescue with her usual kindness.
‘We were just about to have a good old gossip when you two interrupted us. Come along, Lucy. Let’s leave them to their own devices and find somewhere quiet where we can put our feet up.’
‘What about Izzy…?’ Lucy began, but Connor shook his head.
‘She’ll be fine with me. You go and enjoy yourself, Lucy. You deserve a break.’
The last thing Lucy wanted was to leave Izzy with him but, short of creating a scene, she didn’t have any choice. She felt sick with worry as she followed Laura down the garden to the summer house. Most of the other guests had congregated on the patio to avoid the more boggy parts of the lawn, and she waved to them as she passed. She would have to talk to them later, of course, and she felt sicker than ever at the thought of what the main topic of conversation was going to be. She couldn’t bear to think that soon everyone would know that Connor was Izzy’s father!
‘Stop it,’ Laura admonished as she opened the summer house door. ‘Your secret is safe with me and Mark, so stop worrying yourself to death that we’re going to say anything. It’s none of our business what you and Connor have decided to do.’
Lucy sank down onto a garden chair. ‘It wasn’t Connor’s decision—it was mine. I didn’t want anyone to know that he’s Izzy’s father.’
‘You must have had your reasons so I’m not going to pry and ask you why you decided to keep it quiet.’ Laura sat down beside her and patted her hand. ‘Although you do realise that people are going to work it out for themselves? I mean, you only have to look at Izzy and you can tell that she’s Connor’s daughter.’
‘Do you think so?’ Lucy bit her lip. She had never even considered the idea that people might notice a resemblance between them.
‘Yes. She has his hair and his eyes.’ Laura smiled gently. ‘That’s one of the most wonderful things about having kids—they’re a sort of composite of both of you.’
‘It might be wonderful if you’re in a committed relationship,’ she whispered, fighting back her tears. ‘But it’s very different when the child’s father wants nothing to do with you.’
‘I certainly didn’t get that impression from Connor,’ Laura protested. ‘His whole face lit up when he saw Izzy!’
‘Oh, he’s interested in Izzy…or he is at the moment, at any rate. He’s definitely not interested in me, though.’
‘And that’s what really hurts, is it? That’s why you didn’t tell anyone he was Izzy’s father?’
‘Yes. I don’t want to be an object of pity in everyone’s eyes!’
‘An object of pity?’ Laura repeated, sounding confused.
‘Connor dumped me so he could go to Boston to further his precious career. That speaks volumes about his feelings for me, doesn’t it?’
‘Did he know you were pregnant when he left?’ Laura asked, frowning.
‘No. I only found out myself after he’d gone.’ She shrugged defiantly. ‘I decided not to tell him because there didn’t seem any point. I wasn’t part of his plans for the future, as he had made abundantly clear, so why go creating problems?’
‘You didn’t tell him!’ Laura was obviously shocked by the disclosure, and Lucy flushed.
‘No. He found out by accident that I’d had a baby and worked it out for himself that she must be his child. That’s why he came back to England and took up this post, in fact—because he wanted access to Izzy.’
‘But surely that’s a point in his favour? I mean, some men wouldn’t have bothered. They’d have considered themselves to have had a lucky escape, but obviously Connor doesn’t feel that way.’
‘He says that he wants to be a proper father to Izzy, but I’m not sure if he can ever be that. He’s always been so focused on his career and I’m terrified that he will end up letting her down because of it.’
‘And is that your only concer
n?’ Laura probed gently.
‘Isn’t it enough?’ Lucy countered, because she really didn’t want to have to tell her friend all about Dee. A stabbing pain pierced her heart. She still couldn’t believe that Connor thought she would be so spiteful as to deny him access to Izzy because he was seeing someone else, yet what other explanation could there be for his strange behaviour regarding Dee?
‘If it turns out that you were right then, yes, it is enough. But are you sure that he will let her down? He seemed really smitten to me just now.’
‘Oh, he swears he won’t, but it’s a huge risk, isn’t it, Laura? I’m just not sure if I’m prepared to gamble with Izzy’s happiness to prove a point.’
‘But is it right to deny him access? I mean, Izzy will miss out on such a lot if Connor isn’t around while she’s growing up. I know that for a fact because Mark has made a huge difference to Robbie’s life,’ Laura told her, referring to her son from her first marriage who had Down’s syndrome. ‘Robbie adores Mark and he’s really blossomed since we got married. And as for having a brother and a sister now as well—what can I say? If having a father figure has made such a difference to Robbie’s life then surely it can only be a good thing for Izzy that Connor wants to be there for her?’
‘I suppose you’re right but I still can’t help worrying,’ Lucy admitted.
‘Of course you can’t! Being a parent is a huge commitment and you want to be sure Connor understands that. I felt exactly the same when Mark asked me to marry him. I didn’t want him to end up regretting what he’d taken on, but I needn’t have worried.’ She glanced across the garden and a smile suddenly lit her face. ‘And when you see something like that then it must reassure you.’
Lucy turned to look and felt her heart leap when she saw Connor standing in the midst of a group of people. He had hold of Izzy and even as she watched, she saw him brush the little girl’s head with a kiss. It was such a tender expression of his feelings for the child that tears began to trickle down her face.
There was no doubt at all that Connor genuinely loved his daughter so did she really have the right to keep him away from Izzy because of her concerns? Maybe he could never love her but that wasn’t the point. He loved Izzy and she had to accept that he would do his very best for her otherwise she could end up hurting both of them. She couldn’t bear to think that one day, when Izzy grew up, she would blame her for denying her the love and support of her father.
Connor could see the speculation on people’s faces when he appeared with Izzy but it had gone too far by that point to worry what they thought. Maybe they would work out that he was her father but he’d be damned if he’d deny her parentage. He glanced round when Sandra appeared at his side, seeing the curiosity in her eyes as she looked from him to the baby.
‘I can’t believe how much she looks like you, Connor! I suppose it’s just a fluke that she has the same colour hair and eyes, but it’s really uncanny.’
‘These things happen,’ he replied neutrally, neither confirming nor denying her suspicions. Whilst he would never deny that he was Izzy’s father if someone asked him directly, he wasn’t averse to skirting round the issue if it would help Lucy.
His gaze went to the summer house and he felt the blood start to pound inside his head when he saw Lucy walking towards them. Her face was pale but set, and he knew that she had come to some sort of a decision while she’d been talking to Laura. She stopped when she reached him and his blood pounded harder than ever when he saw the plea in her eyes. In that instant he knew that he would do anything she wanted him to do if it meant that she wouldn’t get hurt.
‘Can I have a word with you?’ she said quietly, obviously as aware as he was that everyone was watching them.
‘Of course. How about we get ourselves another drink?’ He gave her a quick smile, hoping it would reassure her that he wasn’t going to cause a scene, but she still looked very strained as she led the way into the house.
Connor followed her into the kitchen and closed the door, not caring what people thought. They could make what they liked of it—his only concern was Lucy and this child they had conceived together. So long as they were safe and happy then nothing else mattered.
He took a deep breath when it hit him that this was how men must have felt since the beginning of time. Looking after the ones you loved was an instinctive part of the male psyche. Women might be the nurturers but men were the protectors, and it was a revelation to suddenly realise his true role in life. Maybe it wasn’t PC to think like this, and maybe it smacked of an overload of machismo to state it, but he would lay down his life to protect the woman he loved and their child!
‘I’m sorry, Connor. I…I’ve behaved very badly towards you.’
The softly spoken words took a moment to sink in, but right then Connor had a lot to contend with. He had finally admitted what he had known in his heart all along but had tried to deny: he loved Lucy.
That he loved Izzy as well had never been in any doubt since the first time he’d seen her, yet it was another revelation to realise that there were so many different shades and nuances to his feelings even though they sprang from the same source. He loved Lucy as a man loved a woman: passionately, hungrily, tenderly, protectively. And he loved Izzy as a father loved a child: selflessly, timelessly, devotedly. The fact that he was capable of feeling so much and so intensely shook him to the core but he had to try and behave like a rational human being because it was what Lucy expected of him. A wave of tenderness washed over him. He would behave any damned way at all if it was what she asked of him!
‘You did what you thought was best,’ he said, his voice throbbing with emotion.
‘Maybe.’ She bit her lip and he saw tears well into her eyes. ‘But it wasn’t fair to you or to Izzy to behave that way.’
‘You did your best, Lucy,’ he repeated, unbearably moved by her bravery.
This wasn’t easy for her either. She still had fears and concerns, still wasn’t sure about him, but she had grasped her courage and apologised. He could only admire her for that, and it was another facet to his love, another wonderful feeling to tuck away in his heart.
‘I tried, Connor…really I did.’
‘And you succeeded.’
All of a sudden he couldn’t stand it any more, couldn’t bear to watch her suffer when he was supposed to protect her. Maybe he didn’t need to fight any dragons at the moment, but protection came in many forms. Lucy needed her tender, gentle heart protected from this agony and he wasn’t going to let her down!
He crossed the room in a couple of long strides and pulled her into his arms, holding her and Izzy close against his heart. If he had his way that was where they would both remain but he mustn’t rush things, mustn’t get too carried away. He might want to sweep this maiden off her feet and carry her back to his castle but she might not want to go with him…
Just yet.
Afterwards, Connor wasn’t sure what had made him act so impulsively. Maybe it had been the promise of things to come, or maybe it had been more prosaic than that. Feeling Lucy’s soft curves nestled against him had triggered a chain of reactions: he could feel his blood heating; his breathing quickening; and there was a definite tightening in his groin…
He groaned as he bent and kissed her on the mouth. He knew that if he didn’t settle for a kiss he would want something more, and that would be inexcusable with Izzy sitting so trustingly in his arms. Lucy’s lips were soft and slightly damp, proof that they weren’t the first tears she’d shed that day, and the thought almost tipped him over the edge. However, he had to restrain his feelings and offer her what she needed. This was one occasion when passion must wait.
She suddenly reached up and kissed him back, her mouth clinging to his as though she was desperately trying to draw courage from him, and he felt tears spring to his own eyes, too. A great swell of happiness filled him because she could take whatever she wanted from him. Everything he had was hers—including his heart.
W
hen she drew back he couldn’t hide how moved he felt and didn’t try. ‘Thank you,’ he said gruffly, because strong emotions took their toll on basic functions.
‘I don’t know why you’re thanking me after what I’ve done,’ she whispered.
‘You gave me Izzy,’ he said simply. He captured her hand and kissed her soft palm, shuddered, then forced himself to continue. ‘No more apologies, Lucy. Please. It isn’t necessary.’
‘You’re right. We have to think about the future now, not the past, don’t we?’ She held out her arms, smiling when he placed Izzy in them. ‘Thank you, too, Connor. For everything.’
He knew what she meant, that she wasn’t just thanking him for looking after their daughter but for giving her Izzy in the first place. Lucy was glad that she’d had his child, and the thought made him feel ten feet tall as they went back outside together. He wanted to swing from the tree-tops and beat his chest, let loose all those macho feelings which men weren’t supposed to feel nowadays. It would have caused one hell of a stir if he had done so, of course, so he behaved with suitable decorum as they rejoined the other guests. However, he could see the knowing looks that were being exchanged and knew that although nothing had been said officially, everyone had filled in the gaps for themselves.
He glanced at Lucy and could tell that she had come to the same conclusion when he saw how strained she looked once more. He sighed as his elation rapidly evaporated. Maybe it had been a bit too soon to start planning for the happily-ever-after. He would have to bide his time, although he wouldn’t allow anything deter him from his ultimate goal. One day in the not too distant future, he intended to have both Izzy and Lucy in his life. And this time he wasn’t going to let either of them go!
The party broke up shortly after six. Several of the guests were working that night so there was the usual flurry as they got ready to leave. Lucy waited until they’d gone before she took Izzy into the house and put her in her pram. The little girl was worn out after all the excitement and her eyelids started drooping before Lucy had finished strapping her in.
A Baby of His Own Page 11