“Anyway, I had to leave it in the front office in an envelope to get it back to him, because I just couldn’t get his attention. I don’t know if I was just too shy or he was just that ignorant, but we never spoke. Not for years,” I said, lost in thought. “Not until…”
“Until?” Lyla was hanging on my every word now, sitting on the edge of her seat. But I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t finish the story. Not in a coffee house, not right now.
“Hey, I’ve really gotta get going,” I lied, checking the time on my cell phone. “I’m supposed to meet Claire.”
Lyla groaned loudly, collapsing back into the love seat’s plush cushions. “Come on!”
“Another time, I promise,” I said, zipping my messenger bag closed. “Thanks for the coffee. I’ll see you next class, okay? We’ll do this again sometime.”
“Fine, fine,” she growled, waving me away. “But whatever he did to you, I hope it’s not so bad that chasing him makes you an idiot. If it is, I’m out, girl.”
Yeah, I thought, you probably will be. Especially when I told her who all that poetry was written about…
****
That night, I took Lyla’s advice and commenced a plan of playing double agent against Sean. On one end, I replied to his email as Olivia and told him I was really swamped, out of town for at least a week, and with limited internet access. Genius. He wouldn’t be expecting her to answer him back any time soon.
On the other end, I logged in as myself and sent a friend request along with a message:
Hi Sean,
Nice to see you on the Common yesterday. In case you forgot again—haha—this is Jennifer, Olivia’s roommate. We went to school together too, so I thought we could reconnect.
Jennifer
Short, sweet, and to the point. If he bit, great. If not, I’d learn how to live my life without pursuing Sean. Somehow.
It took another day to hear back from him, but I was filled with glee at the words of his response to my friend request note. Not only did he accept as my new friend, but he had some surprising things to say.
Hi Jennifer –
Of course I remember you! Sorry about the other day—running into you out of context really threw me off. I’d love to reconnect and maybe even meet up sometime. With Olivia out of town, I’m sure you’re in need of some company—haha. Let me know if you want to get together.
Sean
I stared at the screen for a long, long time, unsure how to proceed. This was unexpected. And really easy, way too easy. Either Sean really wanted to be friends with me now or he remembered me from our school days finally. Did he remember that journal? And the note that I left for him?
Dear Sean,
I understand how you feel completely.
You do have a friend who knows you for yourself.
Jennifer Smith
I’d had those words emblazoned into my head for years. I’d fretted over them for days before leaving the journal at the front desk and for days after. He never replied, never said anything. I always thought I’d embarrassed him when he realized I’d read his journal. For that, I was sorry. But the insight it had given me was incomparable and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.
I wanted to go see him. Even if I had to confess that I was a huge liar.
If he got to know the real me, would that change things for him? Would he forgive me meeting him under false pretenses if he knew I were a good person in my heart? I wasn’t trying to be deceitful, just trying to perform an experiment. Things escalated too quickly, before I knew what was happening. Surely, any normal human being would be able to understand how something like this could happen. But in order to get the truth to him and have him not walk out, Sean needed to get to know Jennifer first. And maybe fall for her the way I had long ago fallen for him.
If Sean finally saw Olivia wasn’t everything he thought she was, would it be enough? I could be there, ready to pick up the pieces of him and save the day. He’d learn that I was the one he’d been interested in all along, not some Photo Shopped picture that I was pretty sure was disproportionate.
Determined, I answered him back right away: Sounds great, Sean. When and where do you want to get together? - J
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The more time passed without a response from Sean, the more nervous I became. He wanted to hang out with me, then didn’t want to make plans? People are busy, I get it, but come on. It had only been two days, so I couldn’t say that he was really blowing me off… but it still irked me.
I had to fight off my suspicions that Sean’s message had all been part of his own scheme. I'd been down this road enough to understand what could be going on here. Sean wanted to get to Olivia and so he was willing to go through what he thought was the closest channel: me. This had been happening in my life since grade school, when Jay Matthews asked me what kind of music Claire liked so he could make her the perfect mix tape. I'd been only too kind to oblige then, just happy that someone with such good looks as Jay would even talk to me, but that singular incident set a precedent for the rest of my life. Or, Claire's life.
In fact, Tom was one of the few men who didn't want me to help him get into Claire's pants. That meant he was either really interested in her for her, not for the sex, or he was such an egotistical maniac that he didn't think he would need any help capturing and keeping her attention. It was probably the latter, but it was still too soon to say.
But Sean, on the other hand, might be going about this the devious way. He would pretend to friend me, make himself look like a good guy--you know, friend of the closest friend, and therefore, eligible for dating or sleeping with—and wait to catch Olivia's attention. I'd danced this dance before and let me tell you, it hurt a lot more when you thought they were your friends and then they turned out to be using you. That even happened with a girl once, back in high school, who was convinced she could turn Claire to "the other side" and used me as her dearest friend and closest confidant while she staged her "coming out." That one stung quite a bit.
This time, with Sean the one steering the ship, I didn't think I could handle it. I knew how this was going to turn out and I didn't like it one bit.
Wait a minute, I stopped myself. I'm the new and improved Jennifer Smith now and this one takes no prisoners. What if I could turn the tables on Sean instead? He might be after Olivia now, but with me playing both sides, I had a real shot at changing Sean's mind about this whole scenario. Then, I'd just say Olivia moved out of town, delete her profile, and live happily ever after.
Sean would never know what hit him.
****
If I had Sean figured out by now, I had absolutely no idea what to do with Noah. One day, he’s kissing me in the gym when no one is around to see. The next day, he’s back to “professional” mode like the whole thing never happened. I wanted to tell myself that it was because we couldn’t get a moment alone together, but not even I can fool myself that badly. See, he was going through the motions as usual, but there was something weird going on.
While it was nice to see Noah’s familiar face at the gym, it left me feeling uneasy. I took less comfort as he counted out my reps and eyed my form. He worked me through our usual circuit with a quiet fire burning behind his eyes. He looked intense, totally swept away and in the moment. For a change, it made me feel like the one with even footing, like he was quietly hoping I had the answer to some desperate question for him.
After our workout session ended, however, I quickly learned what his fierce intensity had been all about.
“How’s your sister doing?” Noah asked, passing me a clean towel to wipe down the elliptical. “It’s been a whole week and I haven’t heard you say a word about her.”
“Well, she’s not here, is she? Why would I want to talk about Claire?”
“Whoa, sorry,” he said, putting his hands up in surrender. “I was just wondering how she was…”
Dammit. I should’ve known he was thinking about Claire, and how to get closer to her
. He offered a nervous smile. “So, um… Jen. Do you want to get dinner together some time?”
I cleared my throat. “Listen, Noah, if you’re looking for information about my sister…”
“Your sister?” He looked genuinely puzzled. “What are you talking about?”
“You know… hot guy meets my sister, who doesn’t give him the time of day. Then I come along, the innocent, frumpy-looking sister…”
“Jen, you’re not frumpy-looking.” Noah said, his tone hardening.
I waved him off. “The point is, I know what you’re after and I can’t help you. Claire isn’t exactly single right now anyway, so I can’t help you get any closer to her. Okay?”
“What do you mean, she’s not exactly single anymore?” His eyebrows lowered. “What happened?”
“She and Tom are getting pretty serious, from the look of it,” I tried to stay nonchalant and shrug him off. His face contorted into an expression I couldn’t read, but I could guess it was disappointment. I couldn’t believe I’d been letting him use me, just like everyone else. “Have a good night, Noah.”
Crossing the gym, I grabbed my sweatshirt from the coat rack and slipped it over my head. I was sweaty and sticky, but I knew how cold it would be outside, so the sweatshirt was a must. It clung to my skin, flattening my damp hair against the back of my neck. I tossed a casual wave over my shoulder to Noah as I neared the door. So when I turned back and saw him blocking the only exit, it startled me a little bit. I dropped my gym bag.
“How did you do that? I didn’t hear you…”
Noah held his hand out, palm up, and unfurled his fingers. He was holding my hearing aids, which I’d left behind me in the rush. I snatched them greedily from his hands and turned my back to him so I could put them back in.
“Why are you ashamed of them?”
I bit my lip and turned to face him. “I’m not, okay? They’re just… it’s personal. It’s like someone touching your deodorant or something.”
Noah smirked, shaking his head. “Well, I like them. They make you different.”
“Don’t I know it?” I said sarcastically. “Listen, I really have to get going…”
“Please come out with me. I just want to talk.”
“About Claire? The one who doesn’t need help hearing you sneak up on her?”
“To hell with Claire!” Noah said, grabbing my arm. His gentle grip closed around my elbow, forcing me to look into his eyes. I’d never seen him angry before and I found myself fascinated by how handsome he could still be, even in this state. “You might find this hard to believe, but I want to talk to you. I want to talk to Jennifer.”
“I’m sorry, Noah, it’s just not a good time for me to be…” I blinked, searching my brain for the end of that sentence. For me to be what? What was I trying to get out of here? “To be… seeing anyone.”
“What does that even mean?”
We stared at each other for a long while, as my brain did cartwheels around and around. If he wasn’t interested in Claire—genuinely and completely not interested in my sister—this was a first. No one ever chose me over Claire. And even know that I was taking better care of myself, you’d think the last person to show any interest would be the guy who sees me at my worst on a regular basis. Trainers are supposed to be eye candy and motivators, not dating material. Right?
“I’m just… I have a lot going on right now.” My eyes started tearing up at the thought of just how much. I couldn’t explain to Noah that I was waiting to work things out with someone else. The words hurt too much to even think.
“So tell me about it,” he said, his eyes creasing with concern.
I bit back the tears and shook my head.
He squeezed my hand, his eyes searching mine. “I’m here to talk, whenever you need it, Jen. I know you think I’m just some trainer, screaming in your face, but I’d like to be your friend too. If you’ll let me.”
“Can I hug you?” I said, suddenly, catching myself by surprise. Something about his kindness had opened something up inside of me. I needed a human connection, someone to understand me. I needed human contact, too.
Noah raised one eyebrow, considering me. “On one condition. You have to let me hug you back.”
Laughing, I wiped away one stray tear with the back of my hand. I stretched up onto my tiptoes to reach my arms around his neck and squeezed as tightly as I could. Noah, his arms around my waist, was squeezing too, although gently enough not to crush me.
I don’t want to sound like a creep or anything, but I’d never hugged a guy so muscly before. Even when we’d touched before, sharing that amazing kiss, I hadn’t had the wherewithal to observe what Noah really felt like. His whole body was firm, but not overly hard. His skin still felt supple on top of the hardened muscles. I was nice and warm, encircled by his arms, safe almost. He made me feel so tiny, even with extra weight still on my frame. I felt like I could curl up here in his arms and be protected from everyone and everything. It was tempting, but it wasn’t the plan.
When I let go, he didn’t. Rather, he tightened his grip on my waist. I leaned back to look up at him, eye to eye, and smiled.
“Thanks for the hug, Noah, I needed—“
But I never got to finish that sentence, because Noah leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine. It was the kind of spontaneous thing that shouldn’t have surprised me, coming from him. My reaction, however, was the surprising part. As soon as his lips touched mine, I felt something inside of me just collapse, like my heart fell out of my chest or my stomach bottomed out. A thrill raced through my body, and I had to try very, very hard to maintain my composure. I forced myself not to give in to my impulses, because it wasn’t going to be pretty if I caved.
And as soon as I had the thought, I realized how wrong this was. Claire and Tom had started out something like this, and that wasn’t the kind of thing I was after. The fantasies were fun, but they needed to stay fantasies. I wanted him to keep kissing me so badly, but I knew I couldn’t let this go any further, not if I wanted to be with Sean, with a clear conscience. I pushed off of Noah’s wide shoulders, breaking us apart.
Noah looked stunned, dropping his arms to his sides. “Jen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so carried away. I swear I was just going to hug you.”
“No, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have…” I shook off one last tear as I flung my bag onto my shoulder. With my hand on the door, I turned back to him. “I really can’t get involved with anyone right now, Noah. I’m sorry.”
And I left him standing there, alone in the gym, as I climbed into my car and drove off into the night. I cried the whole way home.
****
While I hadn’t exactly fully disclosed to Noah all my reservations about dating him, I hadn’t lied about Claire and Tom getting more serious. What had started off as the old “let me check my schedule” attitude from Tom had become unbridled devotion in the days since. In fact, I kept finding him in my apartment, which was only slightly annoying. It was nice that Claire was so happy and finally seemed to be with someone who treated her right, but Tom was just not among my favorite people. For my sister, I tolerated his presence.
And I just hoped they’d spend most of their time in Claire’s temporary room… and out of my way.
That night, after leaving Noah behind me and fighting through a teary blur to drive home, I was especially thankful that they’d taken up residence in Claire’s room with a DVD. That was about two hours that I wouldn’t have to look at them being all snuggly and cuddly and gross on my couch. It was also two hours that I could dedicate to chipping away at my giant research paper.
Halfway through writing the section on Virtual Acquaintances: Real or Forced?, I clicked open a web browser to round up some information from my fake profile. Immediately, I was distracted from my work by a growing mound of notifications staring at me. I had messages, new friend requests, and a mountain of new posts on my wall. It was dizzying to see it all, and I couldn’t help but wonder if this
is what popular looked like all the time.
Maybe it was a good thing I’d survived life in anonymity for so long. It gave me the time to get good grades in school, at the very least.
So I waded through the pile, as had become my new Olivia-role-playing routine every few days when I went online. Most of the wall posts could be ignored. Heck, I didn’t know these people anyway. I clicked through the Friend Requests and accepted them all without really looking. It didn’t much matter at this point who I was or wasn’t friends with, not really. And then I navigated my way to my message box.
First up, a note from Sean, asking Olivia if it was okay to hang out with Jen (yes, me) while she was away at her photo shoot. So this is why I hadn’t heard from him since sending my last message. He was looking for permission? I typed a quick note—careful to keep it cool and aloof—and basically told him I didn’t really care. Hopefully, this would plant the seeds of doubt that Olivia wasn’t actually interested in him after all.
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