Socially Awkward

by Stephanie Haddad

  He pokes his head into my bathroom. “Oh no, this won’t do at all. Far too many hair care products.”

  Next, he sticks his head into the extra bedroom, where Claire had been staying on the pull-out couch. Upside down, I peek around Noah’s shoulder into the room. As he pushes the door open, I half expect to find Claire sitting there. But the room is dark, the bed folded away, and all of her things have been removed. It hurts all over again.

  Noah, ever compassionate Noah, feels the change in my demeanor almost as soon as I do. His shoulders slacken and he puts me down, cupping his hands around my chin.

  "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

  I shake my head as one tear rolls from my eye. I hope the movement can shake it free and, foolishly, I thought he might not see it. I am, of course, busted.

  "Here, now," he says, swiping a finger across my cheek to knock the tear away. "This does not seem like the right time to start crying. I might take it personally, you know."

  Despite myself, I laugh at his bad joke. Leave it to him to lighten the mood all over again. I can let myself forget all about Claire for one night, I decide, staring into his blue eyes. I deserve a little time to treat myself. Hadn't my mother told me those exact words?

  Why the hell not?

  "You know," I say, suppressing a mischievous grin. "I'm feeling better already."

  He can't hide his own matching grin, which thrills me beyond belief.

  "Let's just stay out of that room," I advise.

  "So where to?"

  I wind my fingers between his and tug his arm. He’s relaxed enough that I can jerk him towards me a little bit. We take the five or so steps down the tiny hallway. Standing in front of my bedroom door, staring up at Noah, I have no more reservations left in me at all.

  He slips his arm behind me to turn the doorknob and open the door, and I reach up to kiss him again. Our lips connected, our bodies moving together, I pull him with me through the doorway.

  Noah wants me. Not Olivia. Not Claire.

  Just Jennifer.

  So I let Noah show me just how badly he wants me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  From way up here on happy cloud #9, things were finally starting to look up. In fact, I got pretty confident that there would be only good things in my future, no more bad. How could it really have gotten worse, anyway?

  But alas, things can always get worse. And, for the record, I've noticed that they tend to get worse just when you start to observe that they couldn't possibly do something like that. Never tempt fate or challenge God or whatever you want to call it. Just don't. Because what they say is true: when it rains it pours.

  If only it was raining tonight, it would have been perfect. Like one of those frickin' movie scenes where the heroine's life all implodes right in front of her very eyes and there's not a damn thing she can do about it. The hero walks away, leaving her in the rain, holding the dog's leash or something. Wilted flowers, maybe. Anyway, there's no rain. And besides, I’m indoors so it would be totally irrelevant even if it were raining.

  Focus, Jen, focus.

  So a couple of weeks after my amazing night with Noah, I’m just minding my own business, typing away on my paper. I’m getting really close to the end, just a few pages left to go and then I can write a killer conclusion, edit the crap out of it, and probably pass it in a few days early. Rock on. So I'm typing, no one's around. Even my parents are out for the night, which never happens. Maybe I should have been suspicious, just based on that fact alone.

  I answer the door and get the shock of my life when I see Sean standing there. Not drenched from the rain, of course, but standing there looking emotionally drenched. If there is such a thing.

  "Jen," he says, pushing past me into the room. I don't recall inviting the man who fell for my imaginary personality and thus my sister into my home, but here he is. Sitting on my couch? Why is he sitting on my couch?

  "What are you doing here, Sean? This isn't a good time for me, okay?" The last thing I want is to be alone with him in my apartment. I’m with Noah now, no more time for stupid high school games. But looking at him, the wound still smarts. And to be frankly honest, I just don't trust myself when faced with him, yet. He’s so handsome and looks so sad, like a little Pound Puppy toy or something.

  "I don't have anywhere else to go! She left me, Jen," he sighs, apparently near tears. "You have to help me get her back."

  "You came here because of Claire?"

  "Claire?"

  Oops. Cover blown. Lucy has some 'splaining to do, that's for sure.

  "Um... Olivia, I mean."

  "Who the hell is Claire?"

  "That's just what I call Olivia. It's a..." What was that word? "A nickname. It's a nickname."

  “Whatever,” he says, getting comfortable. He stretches one arm along the back of the couch and gestures for me to sit with him. “Come talk to me.”

  “I would really prefer it if you just left. Now,” I cringe. “I can’t help you with Olivia. We’re not speaking anymore.”

  “Really?” He doesn’t seem very disappointed, mostly just interested. “Why?”

  “It’s a long story, but we had a big fight over something stupid.” I can’t exactly tell him the truth, now can I? Sean’s ego is already big enough for about three men, so why on earth would I ever give him more of a reason to think he was God’s gift to women?

  “Was it about me?” He asks, almost playfully. Beneath the flirty grin, I detect a hint of honesty. See? He really does have a huge ego, after all. And having him sit there, looking at me as though I were an all-you-can eat buffet table, I suddenly realize how stupid it was for me to try to get anywhere with a guy like this. How is he any different than Tom?

  “Of course not,” I answer too quickly. He responds with a knowing grin, patting the couch again for me to join him. “I’m good over here. Standing.”

  “Suit yourself.” He stretches out, curling his arm up and tensing the muscles. Ass. Get off my furniture. I cross my arms and try to stare him down as evilly as I possibly can.

  “Can you please leave?”

  “Not until I get your advice,” he says, dropping the macho act. “Olivia said she couldn’t be with me anymore and I need you to help me figure out why.”

  I stare at him.

  “So I can get her back.”

  I sigh. “Fine, Sean. Talk.”

  He tells me some elaborate story, whereby Olivia—or rather, Claire—went on a few dates with him, never put out, wouldn’t even let him kiss her, and then suddenly, called it all off. Sean is surprisingly detailed in his account, despite the fact that I’m actually a woman and do not care about how “Olivia was showing off her tits” on the second date.

  “So that was it,” he throws his hands up. “She just said that she’d gotten what she wanted and it was all over. That was that. Done. I haven’t heard from her in about two weeks.”

  “Two weeks?” I blink, mulling over all the information Sean has just dumped onto my couch cushions with the grace of an elephant dancing ballet. “This happened two weeks ago?”

  “Yeah… Is that important?” He sits up. “Do you know why she stopped talking to me? Was it her period or something?”

  I groan audibly before opening the door and holding it for him. “Come on, out with you. Playtime’s over. Out!”

  “What’s going on here?”

  I blinked a few times just to be sure Noah is really standing in my doorway.

  “Um…hi,” I muster. “Sean was just leaving.”

  Sean stands up from the couch then, careful to push his way right in between Noah and I. “Trainer Nolan, right? What are you doing here?”

  “It’s Noah,” I say through gritted teeth, trying to push him out of the way.

  “What’s going on here, Jen?” Noah asks, stepping to the side so he can see me. “Is he bothering you?”

  “No, it’s fine,” I say, hands on my hips again. “Right, Sean? You’re leaving now.”

&n
bsp; “All right, all right!” He holds his hands up. “I’m gone. Just… tell Olivia I stopped by.”

  “I will do no such thing.” I slam the door in his face.

  “Everything okay?” Noah says, taking my hand to lead me to the couch. “What was he even doing here?”

  “Trying to get to Claire…er, Olivia. I guess some things never change. But, as you know, I can’t exactly help him on that front.”

  “I don’t know why you would even if you were talking to Claire right now,” he says. “Is this something you’re well practiced at?”

  “Guys have always come to me to get to Claire. That’s why I thought you… That day you asked me to dinner and I…”

  “I was never after Claire,” he says, leaning in for a kiss. “I only had eyes for you.”

  “Aww, cute,” I say, straightening up. “You know, he did say something odd though. About what happened between him and Olivia.”

  “Claire.”

  “Right. Sorry.” And I tell him about their fake relationship, with no physical contact at all, and the abrupt end two weeks ago. “It’s like she was up to something.”

  “I think you should call her and tell her that he came by here,” he offers, stroking my hair.

  “She’s not going to talk to me, Noah.”

  “How can you be so sure? It sounds to me that she was doing for you what you did for her with Tom.”

  I push my left hearing aid in a little further and grimace at him. “Huh?”

  “Think about it, Jen,” he says, thoughtfully. “You set her up with Tom and she takes off. The next thing you know, she’s retaliating… or you think she’s retaliating… by hijacking Olivia’s profile and taking Sean’s attentions away from you. With him out of the way, think about how much you’ve been able to grow and start doing things for yourself.”

  “Like you?”

  “Well, I suppose yes, you’ve been able to start doing me for yourself. But I wasn’t going to be so crude as that, Jen. My goodness.”

  I laugh, giving him a kiss on the cheek. But I consider his words, because after all the years of knowing Claire, it seems like exactly the type of evil scheme she would concoct in that deranged head of hers. And the timing works too.

  It was two weeks ago that Noah and I first spent the night together.

  Now, it would be a little creepy if Claire knew the details of my sex life that intimately, but she isn’t stupid. And she has ways of getting information. It might be that she knew Noah and I were spending time together outside of the gym and, that being enough to convince her that I’d moved on, she let Sean go. Out into the wild, she would’ve said. To torment other women of the world, and leave her sister alone.

  I guess it was all just a matter of how you looked at it, but my gut told me that Claire was trying to clear a path for me to find myself, Noah, or maybe just a new social life outside of my computer habit. What a good sister she was, after all.

  “I think I do need to call her,” I say, sitting up straight.

  He smiles at me, but it has a mischievous edge to it. Noah leans in to me, his lips lightly brushing my neck and collarbone. “Do you have to call her right this minute?”

  I sigh deeply, leaning back into the cushions of the couch, and let his fingertips move underneath my t-shirt and across the skin of my stomach. I even fight the urge to suck it in. With Noah, there’s no point in keeping up appearances. No point putting on airs. He already knows what I looked like at my heaviest, without makeup on, and sweating buckets through my shirts.

  In some way, there was a certain freedom involved in dating your trainer. That’s not really something you think about, but there it is. And for me, that freeing spirit is just the thing I needed to really unwind and just be plain old Jennifer around him. I could see myself easily becoming addicted to this feeling in the future.

  ****

  Afterwards, we cuddle on the couch together with a thin afghan to protect us against the chill of the room. I look up at him, his arm wrapped around me, and grin like an idiot. I’m in love with Noah and he’s in love with me. I know it already.

  “Jen…” he says suddenly, his tone turning serious. “You and Sean, you never…”

  “Nothing ever happened there, okay? Well…” I pause, and it hits him like a ton of bricks.

  “What?” He leans away from me.

  “Before you and I… you know,” I struggle with it, desperate for the words. “There was one night that Sean tried to bring me home. But it was only to get to Claire, which I realize doesn’t make sense. But… I didn’t do it, okay?”

  His expression hardens as he considers me. “Nothing?”

  “We… made out a little bit,” I look away. “And I might have invited him in.”

  “Jen,” his voice turns cold.

  “But then Claire was sitting here, and he thought she was Olivia and then he didn’t want me anymore. And so nothing happened…”

  “If Claire hadn’t been here and Sean had still wanted you, you would have…”

  “Yes!” I say, standing up and taking the afghan with me. I wrap it like a shawl around my shoulders. “I would have, because I had no self-esteem and I thought he was the kind of guy that I wanted!”

  “Okay, fine.” His eyes remain steely. “I think I’m going to get going, okay?”

  Wordlessly, he picks up his clothes from around the room and gets dressed slowly. I watch him, helpless and unable to speak. I pull the blanket around me tighter and try to pretend I don’t care.

  “That was so long ago, Noah. I don’t know why you’re so upset about this.”

  “Because, Jen. If you’d just rip your clothes off for a guy like that, how do I know that this means anything to you?”

  His harsh words make me tear up a little bit, I have to admit. “It does!”

  “I thought you would be different, Jen. Because of your…” he trails off as a stunned look overtakes his face. “Your…”

  “My what?”

  “Well, because you wear…”

  “Hearing aids?” I yell it in his face, and he looks taken aback at my sudden rage. “You thought I’d be easy for you to keep because I wear hearing aids? Is that why you picked me out that day in the gym? Because I’d be easy for someone like you to attract and keep your eyes on?”

  “No, no. Come on,” he stammers, raising his hands in defense. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

  “Okay, so what did you mean?” I put my hands on my hips, my most intimidating posture.

  “I came over to meet you because I was impressed. I thought it was… interesting.” He lets the word settle, catches my look of disapproval and tries again. “Not interesting… but, really brave.”

  “Brave? I need them to hear, Noah. They’re not optional. It’s not like I get up in the morning and think to myself, ‘Oh man, what should I wear today with this adorable turtleneck sweater? I know! I’ll put my hearing aids in so everyone thinks I’m freaking BRAVE.”

  “Come on, Jen. They brought me over to you and now we have…”

  “What do we have, in your professional estimation? Huh? A really awesome time? A super-strong physical connection? A passion like you’ve felt with no other woman?” I wave him away from me and start to pull the door closed between us. “Whatever pointless, sexist line you’re going to use on me, you can just forget it. I’ve already known too many guys like you.”

  Before the door closes, Noah puts his hand on it. I’m not strong enough to push it closed with him fighting me.

  “Stop it,” I rage, using the weight of my entire body on the door. “I want you to leave now.”

  “Not until you hear me out,” he says, wrapping his fingers around the edge of the door and pushing it open far enough for us to clearly see each other. “Sometimes I don’t say things as cleverly as you do, and sometimes the words come out wrong, even though I know what I’m trying to say. I came over to meet you that day because I admired you. I saw you working hard and keeping up with you
r sister, fighting both a physical disability and an obvious difference in your fitness levels. I wanted to meet you, because you seemed strong and determined. I liked that.”

  I stare him down for a moment, considering his words. Noah wasn’t attracted to me that day, something I probably knew all along. But to hear him say it, and to discover that the one thing he was attracted to was the only thing about myself that I can never, ever change no matter how hard I try—it’s all too much for me to process.