by Amy Tasukada
“I think someone’s watching us,” Nao said.
“They must think we make a cute couple.”
Nao elbowed him in the side. “I’m being serious.”
“You’re imagining it.”
Ignoring Saehyun, Nao’s gaze darted throughout the crowd, looking for anything off. Undercover cops no doubt were crawling the area, and most of the construction workers were retired or active Matsukawa. The tingling grew, and then Nao saw him. A large, middle-aged man with black hair. He wasn’t looking at the floats, but staring directly at them.
Nao grabbed Saehyun’s wrist and pulled him through the crowd, putting as many people between them and the man as possible. When the crowd thinned, Nao broke out into a run and kept looking to make sure Saehyun followed. They didn’t stop until Nao’s lungs ached and his stomach churned in protest. He bent over, resting his hands on his knees until he caught his breath. Saehyun grinned at him between his own inhales.
Who was watching them? The man didn’t look like cop, and the zetsuen meant even watching Nao from afar was too much. He knew Father’s disdain had echoed throughout the ranks, because not even the lowest-ranking Matsukawa came to the teahouse anymore. The pain of losing his whole family hurt at first, but Nao understood. He dishonored them one too many times. Saehyun was the only person left he cared about, and Nao needed to do everything to protect him.
“Stay with me for more than just a night.” Nao’s breaths came steady.
Saehyun smiled. “Once Gion is over.”
“No, now. I thought you said you loved me. So why can’t you do this?”
“It’s not because I don’t want to. I would if things were different, but if I’m away from the safe house for more than a day, it looks suspicious.”
Nao’s fingers curled into a fist. Why couldn’t Saehyun just do what was best for both of them? He pressed his fist against his thigh until pain welled up inside him.
“Then tell me where the Korean safe house is, and I’ll tell one of my old yakuza buddies. You can spend the night at my house like you’ve done before while the Matsukawa take care of the Double Moon for you.”
Saehyun sighed. “It’s not that easy.”
“It is if you let it.”
“I owe a debt to these people, and Godfather Taejin will find me wherever I go. Then it wouldn’t be just me in danger, but you.” Saehyun shook his head. “I can’t live with myself knowing I put you in harm’s way.”
Nao pressed his lips together. They were both fucked.
Even with the lightweight sheet covering his bare skin, Nao found the summer sun filtering through the window unbearable. He kicked the sheet off, but his relief was short-lived. Groaning, he turned, reaching to grab Saehyun, but he wasn’t there. His eyebrows knitted together, and his eyes flashed open.
“Saehyun?”
No answer came.
“Saehyun?” he called again, sitting up.
“I’m here,” Saehyun replied, his voice muffled by the bathroom door.
Nao grabbed Saehyun’s pillow and brought it close, breathing in the musky scent of his boyfriend. He could get used to waking up to his scent every morning. Could he really start over so easily?
Nao turned to the clock on the nightstand. It read ten o’ clock.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Nao yelled, trying to be heard through the door.
He received no answer as he stumbled out from the bed. He walked to the kitchen, filled the water boiler, and set the temperature. He pulled open the tea cabinet filled with various colored tins. He took one down, opened the lid, and examined the leaves before pulling it to his face and taking in the aroma.
“Do you really do that each time you choose a tea?”
Nao pulled the tea tin down and turned to Saehyun. He was still dripping wet, with a towel slung across his lower hip. The Double Moon tattoo made even Nao’s favorite oolong smell sour.
“This is what you’re supposed to do.”
“What are we having this morning?” asked Saehyun.
“Oolong.”
“Again?”
“It’s my favorite.”
“Don’t they all end up tasting the same after a while?”
“No.”
Saehyun shrugged. “They all taste the same to me.”
“That’s because you don’t bother to taste the different nuances of each. You don’t have a refined palate yet. Oolong has more of a variety of depth than any of the other types of tea out there.”
“I’ll get there after being with you for a few more months.”
Saehyun grinned, pulling Nao into a hug. Nao closed his eyes, letting everything disappear. In his apartment, he could forget the outside world. Kyoto was slowly getting broken, but at least inside here, Saehyun wasn’t a part of it. No, Nao needed to keep him close until after the last day of Gion. The more time Saehyun spent inside with him, the less of a chance the police or the Matsukawa could get to him. Nao could keep him safe.
“Maybe your taste buds are worn out. That’s why you have a hard time finding that new one you’d like to add to your collection.”
“Impossible. My taste buds must have become super powerful, and that’s why I’m having a hard time.”
Saehyun smiled, ruffling Nao’s hair before kissing his neck.
“You know I feel that you’re overdressed with that robe on.”
“Tea first. I’m still groggy.”
“Sore, you mean?”
“Shut up or you never top again.”
Saehyun held up his hands. “Okay, you win.”
“That’s what I thought.” Nao took down a pair of teacups, and that was when he noticed the tattooed lines down Saehyun’s back.
“What is this?” Nao traced Saehyun’s reddened skin.
“We were naked all last night, and you notice this now?”
“You’re getting another tattoo?”
“It’s going to be a full back dragon. It’s still going to take a few months, but I wanted to get it started. It’s a traditional one.”
Nao laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“It is very Japanese of you.” Nao’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you think you need to mark yourself again?”
“To be strong for Gion.”
“You keep saying you’ll leave the Double Moon once Gion is over. Why keep branding yourself as someone involved with the underworld?”
Saehyun said nothing, and Nao wondered if perhaps he had pushed him too far. He brought down the teapot and poured warm water into the cast iron.
“Did you find it yet?” Saehyun asked.
“What?”
“The box on the nightstand?”
“No.”
Nao followed Saehyun into the bedroom, and sure enough, a small box had been left on the nightstand. They sat, and Saehyun handed the box to Nao.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“Silver Day gift.”
“Silver Day?”
“You know—it was the fourteenth a few days ago.”
Nao put his hand to his forehead. “Another random Korean couple’s holiday?”
“Don’t diss them. I haven’t said a single bad thing about your monthlong Gion Festival.”
Nao smiled, holding the velvet box wrapped in a red ribbon. “That’s different. It’s been going on for millennia. You can’t tell me anything about the couple’s day.”
“Are you going to open it or talk about festivals?”
“I do like festivals.”
Nao pulled the ribbon free and opened the box. A silver bracelet rested inside. The rough edges of the silver circle showed it was handmade.
“A bracelet?”
Saehyun shrugged. “You don’t have your ears pierced, so I figured why not a bracelet?”
Nao turned the bracelet over, catching the inside to see an engraving, a series of circles and lines trapped in squares. “What does it say?”
“You can’t read it?”
“It’s in Korean, you jackass.”
“I guess it’s time for you to hit the books.” Saehyun shrugged and started to walk off.
“You didn’t put jjokbari on here, did you?”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
Nao glared at Saehyun.
“I wouldn’t do it anymore.”
“I’m not going to wear it unless you tell me what it says.”
Saehyun came around to Nao, hugging him. He held the bracelet up to the light, turning it until the engraving shone. Nao could smell his body wash on Saehyun while Nao smelled like their sex from the previous night.
“This is your name.” Saehyun pointed to a series of boxed lines.
“In Korean?”
“As best it translates.”
“And the other stuff?”
“That’s my name. Embarrassing enough?”
Saehyun planted a kiss on Nao’s cheek, but Nao’s gaze remained on the bracelet. A frantic beating pressed against his ribs. His heart was assaulting him, reminding him that it was too soon.
“You don’t like it?”
“I can’t accept it.” Nao put it back in the box, shutting it.
“It’s a gift.”
“You barely know me. It’s wrong to get attached so soon.”
“It’s your choice that I barely know you. You never want to tell me anything about you. Even so, three months is enough for me to know my feelings for you. I accept that in time you will tell me, but until then, don’t tell me how I can’t love you.”
Biting his lip, Nao looked back at the bracelet. He’d tell Saehyun, and then he’d see. He’d understand why three months was too soon.
“You want to know how I got the scar on my neck?”
“Yes, but don’t feel like I’m pushing you.”
Nao cracked a smile. “Then give me a cigarette.”
Silence passed between them, and Nao looked up at Saehyun, daring him to speak.
“I thought you said you quit.”
“You want me to tell you or not?”
Saehyun found his pants on the floor, pulled a cigarette from the package, and lit it. He took a few puffs to get it started and then handed it to Nao. He took a long drag from the stick, getting his first shot of nicotine in years. It untangled his nerves so much more than tea ever did.
“I joined the yakuza when I was still in high school.” He laughed. That was when he officially drank sake with Father, at least. “Actually, I never finished school, so I was a dropout by that point, but I fought well, so they didn’t care. I got high in rank for my age, but I liked to party. I was known at all the host clubs.”
Nao paused, taking another few long breaths from the stick. Memories were coming back, and the end of the cigarette was becoming more and more ashen. He looked around for an ashtray, but those were all gone. He tapped it in an empty teacup from the night before.
“I met a guy there.” Nao took another drag from the cigarette. “What am I saying? He was a host. I paid him to sit and pour my drinks. I was such an asshole that no one else wanted to drink with me. The newer recruits thought I was too high up to talk to, and the old ones thought I was too young to bother with. It went on for months, until we started to see each other outside the host bar. We dated for two years.”
Nao lay back in bed, using the pillows to prop himself up. The bed was the same one that his lover and he would come to. Nao closed his eyes. Saehyun disappeared, and the host took his place, wearing the same towel. Nao breathed in the smell of their lingering sex. Nao opened his eyes, and his gaze fell back on Saehyun. The memories that hadn’t surfaced in years faded away...
“Long story short, he was my only serious relationship—”
“Say his name?”
Nao’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you care?”
“Because you barely said his name. You have his picture on your altar, yeah? It’s important you say his name to keep his memory alive.”
The memory was better off buried in the past. Nao closed his eyes. He’d never allowed his lover’s name to pass his lips or his thoughts since that night—at least not knowingly. Saehyun had apparently sensed that in even the small amount of time they’d known each other.
“Shinya.” Smoke swirled around Nao. “His name was Shinya.”
Saehyun smiled, and the look in his eye urged Nao on.
“One day, we traveled to Tokyo for something different. Yoyogi Park, the Tokyo Tower… We did all the lame tourist things, and when night fell, we hit the clubs. Some guy came up to…” Nao swallowed. It was still hard to say his name. “Shinya. Just came right up while we were dancing together and said Shinya’s would look good in his mouth. I told him to go away but wouldn’t. So I broke his nose and told him to fuck off. Then things went to shit.”
Nao put his cigarette in his mouth. Takeo had followed Nao and Shinya on each date they’d shared during those two years. Their trip to Tokyo had been to escape his peering gaze. Saehyun stretched out his hand to Nao, but Nao pulled his hand out of reach.
“The guy ended up being from the Tokyo syndicate. He and three other members followed us back to the hotel and put a knife to my neck. I could smell the alcohol on their breath. I tried to fight back, but they had weapons and threatened Shinya. They took us into a room then drugged him. They beat me up and forced me to watch as the one from the club had his way with him. Then the others would beat him up. He was so doped, he just laughed. It went on for hours, and once they were done they shot him. I was so close, his blood hit my face, my clothes. They started to strip me, and that’s when they noticed my tattoo. So they looked at my wallet and saw that I was a Mura—” Nao quickly took another puff of the cigarette then corrected himself. He was disowned, after all. “They saw the Matsukawa cards in my wallet.
“It’s a big deal, messing with the Matsukawa family. We rule Kyoto. All Japan looks up to us to keep the old traditions alive. I was at fault for not checking in with the local syndicate. I was supposed to, but it was a weekend party trip. Anyway, they freaked out and abandoned me with his body.”
“Nao…”
He closed his eyes. That wasn’t everything, but it only took a minute before Nao came to his senses. Saehyun didn’t need to hear all of it, but the truth continued to run through Nao’s thoughts. He’d run after the people that killed Shinya. Gutting them like the fish they were, except for the one who’d managed to run away. He was the one who told the Tokyo godfather. Since Nao had entered their territory unannounced and then killed three of their members, it was an act of war. With Nao being the son of the Kyoto leader, it was a serious one. Takeo had surrendered his finger for not doing his job of keeping Nao out of trouble. The finger was sent to Tokyo, and Nao bowed out of the Matsukawa.
Nao blinked, but no tears rolled down his cheeks. Shinya was dead because he couldn’t protect him. Saehyun refusing to move in made it impossible for Nao to protect him.
“Nao?”
“I couldn’t stay with him. I couldn’t call the police. He was shot with a gun, and it would’ve caused more trouble for me and the other syndicate. I left, but with no connections in Tokyo, I couldn’t take the body back with me. The next day, the police found a plastic-wrapped torso in Shibuya. I knew it had to be his. He couldn’t even get a proper funeral.”
Another drag on the cigarette, and Nao shakily put it down on the edge of the teacup. Saehyun’s arms wrapped around him and rubbed his back, but the comfort did nothing for him.
“It’s okay. You’re not that kind of person anymore. It was years ago.”
“That’s why I left the family. That’s why I drink tea and walk down the Philosopher’s Path, to keep the me
mories away. That’s why I didn’t have a phone, you know? I destroyed the phones because people kept calling to see how I was doing.”
“You have one now, and you can call me anytime you want.”
“I know the Matsukawa. They will kill anyone who does anything to Kyoto. I don’t want you dead. That’s why you should stay inside with me until the Matsukawa crush the Double Moon and you don’t have to worry anymore.”
Saehyun sighed. “Nao, I’ll be killed if I don’t fight.”
“If you can’t stay here, then move until this whole thing is over.”
“It’s not that simple.” Saehyun shook his head. “Godfather Taejin will find me no matter where I go. He’s the wolf in every wall. And if he finds me with you and realizes you used to be Matsukawa, he’ll kill you.”
“You will die messing with the Matsukawa. Taejin is one man, and the yakuza are all over the world. You can bribe the police and keep hiding. In another year, they’ll find someone else to blame for what happened.”
“If I don’t fight, the boss will stick a bullet in my head.”
“The police are after you too. Stay inside with me.”
“If we stay inside, you’ll miss all of Gion. I know how excited you are to see everything, to show me Yoiyama. I’ll meet you there tonight and wear a face mask so the cops won’t recognize me, like before. I want to enjoy the festivals with you, and then the floats and every festival Kyoto has after that. This is what you love, and I want to see it with you.”
“I’m talking about your life, Saehyun. The festivals have gone on for thousands of years.”
“This is what you do. You go to the festivals. I want you to go and not stay inside because of me.”
Nao turned away and heard Saehyun sigh. If the Korean godfather was as devilish as Saehyun suggested, then he would come after Saehyun regardless of whether he stayed inside or not.
“I’ll see you tonight, all right?” Saehyun smiled.
“It’s going to be impossible to find you,” Nao said to himself.
It was the last day of Yoiyama, and people crowded the historic district. An hour had passed already, and the distinct clang, clang from the historic instruments softened Nao’s solitude. People wore less-traditional clothes, but children still ran around dressed in summer kimonos. Nao smiled as he watched them weave in and out of the people and street stalls, unhindered by the chaos. Nao had even dressed up for the occasion, wearing a white yukata with blue carp. Finding Saehyun was like expecting someone else to make a perfect pot of tea: impossible.