by Kim Law
Harper smiled slightly as another tear rolled over her sister’s cheek. It was a single tear this time, and Harper understood that it was a happy one.
Then she thought about how she’d told Nick that she never panicked. That had been a lie. She had panicked. In the worst possible way.
She suddenly wanted to apologize to Nick for being so angry with him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d been rude and tried to push him away when he’d just been attempting to help. Thomas would have been doing the same thing as Nick.
“And that right there,” Claire began, reaching over and turning up the volume on the machine, “is your baby’s heartbeat.”
Harper wanted to die. Right there in the middle of the office building as she listened to the steady whop-whop from the machine. She didn’t want to draw another breath.
Unable to be in the room any longer, she made an excuse and left. She didn’t stop moving until she got outside, and then she continued until she found herself standing in the middle of the parking lot. A car horn honked, trying to get around her, and she held up a hand in apology. She stumbled out of the way and ended up leaning against the trunk of another vehicle, dragging in gasps of air.
She didn’t know how long she stood there, bent over like that, but eventually a light hand touched her shoulder. She looked up.
“Are you okay?” Jewel asked.
Harper nodded. She pushed off the car and looked around as if uncertain where she was. She hadn’t even come to the right parking lot. “Sorry,” she mumbled. She took her phone when Jewel held it out to her, and ignored the pinched concern on her sister’s face. “You ready to go?”
Jewel cast a shrewd eye in Harper’s direction before leading the way to her car. She’d driven today, with the plan being to drop Harper at Nick’s after the appointment so she could get her jeep. They slid into the front seat of the car, but instead of starting the ignition, Jewel looked over at her. Worry lined her face. “I’m sorry I was such a bear in there.”
Harper laughed tiredly. “Honey, you’re pregnant. You’re allowed.”
“Then if you’re not upset about me . . . what’s going on with you?”
Harper shook her head. “Just a bad day.” She couldn’t bring herself to make direct eye contact. She reached over and took the key from her sister, sliding it into the ignition and starting the car. “Can we just go?”
“Sure.” Jewel backed out of the space and made it to the edge of the parking lot before she tried again. “Really, are you okay, Harp? Because you don’t look so good. What happened?”
“I’m fine. I promise.” In truth, she was about to fall completely apart.
“We could go to my house. I could make us some lunch?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Then how about—”
“Jewel.” Harper heard the noticeable shake in her voice. “Please. Just take me to get my car. I have things to do this afternoon, and no time to . . .” She pressed her lips together and shook her head instead of finishing the sentence. She knew Jewel just wanted to help. Her whole family would be there in an instant if she’d only let them.
But she couldn’t. She was too ashamed.
“I’m not sure—”
“I’m just tired,” Harper interrupted again, this time forcing a smile. “Really. I’ll be fine.”
Nick wiped sweat from his brow before he attacked the next tree, once again cursing the bears that had a cherry fetish as he worked to minimize the damage. It looked as if more than one bear had managed to break through the fence barrier that had been erected several years ago—probably a mama and her cubs—and they’d literally shredded ten mature trees. The plumping green cherries were gone, branches hanging at odd angles. And Nick found himself wishing curses upon the animals, hoping the unripe fruit made them sick.
He also grudgingly thanked them for only taking out ten trees. It could have been worse.
He’d already fixed the fence, and was now on the last tree. Once he had it sheered down into manageable pieces, he’d drag the limbs to the pile where he’d stacked the others, then he’d come back with a trailer to pick them up. They’d hit the chipper before the afternoon was over.
Danged bears.
He grumbled under his breath as he finished up, and recognized that his bad mood wasn’t solely due to the wildlife. He hadn’t heard from Harper since he’d dropped her off at her house, and his patience was wearing thin. Her jeep still sat in the driveway, and though he’d considered having it delivered to her house just to get a rise out of her, he’d decided to wait her out instead. He’d pushed her pretty hard the other day. Now it was up to her. They were either through . . . or they were due for a serious conversation.
And the truth was, with any other woman he’d be done. But this time, his fingers were crossed for that conversation.
When he finished with the branches, he climbed on the four-wheeler and headed back along the path that took him nearest the lake. It passed the spot where he and Harper had walked the day she’d told him about her late husband. It was also where Nick had admitted to her that he wasn’t sure he’d be ready to leave when his dad returned.
He was even more conflicted on that topic today.
He brought the all-terrain vehicle to a stop at the edge of the ridge and spent a moment taking in the lake. It was a clear, warm day, and from this viewpoint, it seemed as if he could see all the way across the water. He couldn’t, of course. The distance was too far.
He thought about his years growing up here . . . about growing up with his mom.
His sister used to sneak out to the dock simply to get away from her, but Nick and his brothers had been able to escape with their dad on a more regular basis. If they weren’t helping him with something in the fields, then they were running errands in town or working on machinery in the barn.
It hadn’t been Nick’s favorite way to spend the time, but it had been a heck of a lot better than staying inside. The best thing to ever happen to him had been his mother dying.
And how completely sad was that?
If Harper hadn’t stopped his runaway mouth when she had the other day, he probably would have shared that bit of info with her, as well. Along with the fact that his mother had hated him. She hadn’t loved him because he hadn’t been enough. And he’d been about to share all his baggage with Harper.
That knowledge amazed him on a number of levels. He’d not only never talked about his mother with another woman, but the idea had never even crossed his mind to do so.
He climbed back on the ATV and headed to the barn. But before he could hook up the wagon to retrieve the limbs, the sound of an approaching vehicle stopped him in his tracks. He straightened and watched as a dark-blue sedan headed up the driveway. He didn’t recognize the car, but he had an inkling of who sat in the passenger seat.
The car stopped, and Harper opened the passenger door, and Nick finally recognized Jewel in the driver’s seat. He tossed up a hand to Jewel. She waved, then drove off. Harper didn’t look his way as she got into her jeep.
Nick’s chest ached. Was she seriously going to leave without saying a word?
The jeep remained silent, the engine not turning over—but neither did Harper get back out. Nick maintained his position by the barn. Any discussion at this point had to be initiated by her. When the vehicle’s door once again opened, Nick released a sigh of relief. She stepped out, and the minute her footfalls headed in his direction, he moved toward the house. They met about thirty feet from the deck.
“Can we talk?” Harper asked. She shaded her eyes as she looked up at him.
“Of course.”
They walked side by side to the deck, and when Harper lowered to a wicker chair sitting in the corner by itself, Nick kept his opinion on her choice of seating to himself. He pulled out a chair at the patio table and waited. They’d not parted on the best of terms, and he had zero idea where to start. He’d let her figure that out.
“First of all,”
she finally began. She licked her lips and scrubbed her palms down over the denim covering her thighs. “Don’t call me honey.”
He lifted a brow. “Excuse me?”
“You called me honey the other day when we were fighting. I’m not your honey. We’re just having sex.”
He held his palms up as if in surrender. “My bad. I will never again call you honey. It was an unacceptable crime on my part to indicate through words that I like you.”
She rolled her eyes at him, and for the first time since she’d lost control at the wheel of the Ferrari, he began to breathe marginally easier. “And don’t make me laugh while I’m still mad,” she grumbled.
“That one I can’t promise.” He gave her a small smile. “It’s part of my charm.”
She blew out a breath then, and a slight curve finally found her lips. She shook her head at him, as if unsure where to start, then opened her mouth and her words tumbled out. “I scared myself the other day. When I wrecked. You were right. I was terrified. I thought I was going to die. And I swear, I don’t want to die. But my life flashed before my eyes in that moment. All the things I once wanted. All the things I haven’t done.”
Her voice broke, and Nick rose and dragged his chair over to sit in front of her.
“But you didn’t die,” he said calmly.
“And then there’s . . .” She blew out another breath and looked away, and Nick reached out and captured her hand.
“Look at me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“You weren’t wrong, okay?” Her eyes were hollow when they turned back. “I do tempt fate. I do. I know it. But the thing is, I had no idea that’s what I was doing. Because I’m so angry.” Her fingers squeezed his. “Thomas died, and he shouldn’t have.”
He nodded. He understood that kind of anger. “Do you want to tell me about the accident?” he offered. “Would that help?”
He knew of the details because he’d read about it in the news. But she’d actually been there. She’d jumped from the plane with him, and her husband had died in front of her. Nick couldn’t imagine that kind of experience, nor its impact on a person.
“I’m so tired,” she whispered. “All this anger . . . it’s exhausting. But I can’t figure out how to move past it. Or if I even want to. And I lied to you.” She stared at him, the intensity on her face breaking his heart. “I did panic. Once. Just once in my whole life. And because of it, Thomas is dead.”
“No,” he began, but she covered his mouth with her fingers.
She nodded. “It was my fault. He would be here today if not for me.” She let out a dry chuckle. “Or he’d be in California if he’d never met me.”
Nick no longer cared if she wanted her space or not. She needed him. And he was here for her. He picked her up and resettled them both in the chair she’d been sitting in.
Chapter Fifteen
Fear had dried out Harper’s throat, but now that she was here—now that she’d started talking—she didn’t want to stop. She’d kept so much bottled up, maybe sharing would help. And if not, she certainly couldn’t imagine it would hurt at this point.
“As you can guess,” she began, “Thomas’s death was hard on me.”
Nick’s arms hugged her tight, and she tilted her head to look up at him.
“You know how he died, right? And that I was there?”
“I do. And I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, well. We all have burdens to bear,” she said softly. “This is mine.” She tucked herself back against his chest. “Anyway, it was a gorgeous day that morning. Perfect jumping weather. We jumped all the time, and had for years. But that morning, our jump was a celebration.”
“What were you celebrating?” Nick asked.
She looked up at him again, trying to decide how much to share, and settled on the facts as they’d been known at the time. “The start of our family.”
“You were pregnant?”
“We planned to get pregnant. We’d been playing for years, living our lives for the moment, but we’d always promised each other that when the time was right, we’d settle down and focus on a family. Less about adventure. And the time was right.”
“So you jumped as one last hoorah?” he guessed.
“Exactly.”
Only, she hadn’t told Thomas that morning that her period was late. And she was like clockwork. It had only been one day, but she’d known.
She’d just known.
So she’d picked up a pregnancy test before heading out, intending to take it with Thomas after they’d made it back to the ground. She swallowed the details that she wasn’t willing to part with and continued. “It’s a simple story, really. My chute didn’t open.”
“And your backup chute?”
She grimaced. “That’s when I panicked. All I could think . . .” Was that she was going to kill the baby that might be growing inside her. That she shouldn’t have jumped given her suspicions. That they could have celebrated by having a nice romantic dinner, instead.
But she’d always wanted to do things big. Hadn’t that been the basis for her in-laws’ hatred? Not only had she convinced Thomas to live here, but she’d then encouraged his irresponsibility.
“I couldn’t think straight,” she said, forcing herself to continue. “It didn’t even occur to me to open my backup chute. My mind just froze. Thomas saw what was happening and dove through the air to get to me. I was flailing. Literally. As if it were my first solo jump and I had no clue what to do. It was ridiculous.”
Nick gave her a squeeze, and the reminder that she was in his arms soothed her.
“He calmed me. He caught up with me and held on to me. Kissed me.” She stared off in the distance toward the lake as she told the story. Her nose burned. “He looked me in the eye and got me focused. We’d dropped low at this point, but we still had time to get down safely. He got the cord for my backup chute in my hand, then he gripped his cord. On the count of three he pushed off, and we both opened our chutes. Only . . .”
She blinked as the lake went unfocused.
“Only, our chutes got tangled,” she said more softly. “I’m not sure why. He didn’t get far enough away before I opened mine, I guess. But we got tangled up, and though both partially opened and they did slow us, we were still dropping too fast. And we weren’t heading for open land any longer. When we looked down, it was trees or power cords. With no time to avoid both.
“We tried again to get apart, but . . .” She had to pause and catch her breath. Her breathing had sped up.
“Stop,” Nick said. “You don’t have to finish.”
“No.” She shook her head, almost frantic with the need to get through the story. “He died because of me. Because I panicked. If I’d just pulled the backup chute, he wouldn’t have been there beside me. We wouldn’t have gotten tangled. And then”—she gulped—“when we headed for the tree, the idiot wrapped his entire body around mine so he would be the one to take the brunt of the fall. Stupid—”
“He saved you,” Nick interrupted.
“Yes.” The word came out as hard as she felt. Thomas shouldn’t have died. Not for her.
She thought about his last words. Don’t quit living because of this. Promise me. Don’t ever let anything slow you down.
She’d refused to make that promise. She’d refused to consider life without him.
When they’d crashed, and she’d heard so many snapping sounds, she’d sworn to herself that none of them were from him. That she hadn’t honestly just heard her husband’s body breaking into pieces.
But she’d been pretty sure she was wrong.
She scrubbed at her face with the heel of her hands as if expecting to find tears there, but her skin came away dry. She stared at her palms, holding them up in front of her. As if the lines marking her skin had the answers. Thomas had died. And on the very same day, she’d gotten confirmation that she was pregnant. That the baby was fine.
“I’m sorry for the things I said the other day,”
Nick said, and Harper looked up at him. Dazed. She’d forgotten that he was there. “About you panicking,” he added. His skin seemed pale, and she put her fingers to his cheek. “I’m so sorry,” he finished on a whisper.
“You don’t need to apologize for that.”
“I do. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I shouldn’t have—” His jaw clenched, and he pressed into her hand. “I hurt you with my words.”
“You were just trying to help.” She traced her thumb over the line of his jaw. “I get that. And I actually think it did help. I mean, I’m here now, aren’t I? I’m facing my anger. I’m talking about the accident. It’s the first time I have, by the way. I did rant to my mom about the accident at one point, but I didn’t talk about it. Not like this. I could never talk about it like this.”
He didn’t say anything else, so she put her head back on his shoulder and enjoyed the feel of his heartbeat underneath her body.
“Tell me about him,” Nick said after a few minutes.
“About Thomas?”
“Facing the accident brought back awful memories. It’s hard on you.” He glanced down at her, and she saw concern in the tenderness of his gaze. “You should remember the good things, too. Tell me about him.”
Her hand shook as she touched a single finger to the center of Nick’s mouth. It had softened along with his eyes. “Okay.” She nodded. She liked that idea. “Where should I start?’
He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Tell me what you loved most about him.”
That was easy. “That he was willing to try anything.” Though she’d sometimes questioned if his parents had been right in their accusations. “And that he had a heart of gold.”
She shifted on Nick’s lap, bringing her legs up and draping them over the arm of the chair. Her move pulled her away from his chest, but he left his arm behind her. He dropped his other hand to her lap, and she leaned back and tilted her face up to the sky. There were no clouds today, only blue as far as the eye could see. And she couldn’t help but think that Thomas was looking down on them.
Would he be happy to see her sitting in another man’s lap? To see her less sad for once?