by Kim Law
She lowered her head in shame.
“It’s hard,” her mom said. Her words were quiet. “You blame yourself. I get that. It’s the nature of motherhood.”
“But I caused it.”
Her mother’s eyes narrowed. “What did you do to cause it?”
“I wished it away,” she whispered. “When the doctor first told me I was pregnant in the hospital, I didn’t want it.” She blinked, her eyes dry. “I wanted my baby gone.”
“Oh, honey.” Her mom reached for her that time, and pulled Harper into her arms. “You know better than that. You can’t wish a miscarriage upon yourself. You were hurting. You’d just lost Thomas and you couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. You were angry.”
“I was furious.” Her words were muffled against her mother’s shoulder. “He was supposed to be here with me forever.”
“I know, sweetie. And I wish he were here with you. You didn’t deserve all this. You were my toughest kid, but also my most tender.” She pulled back and peered into Harper’s eyes. “You were the one who saved yourself for the right man.”
Shock widened Harper’s eyes. “How do you know that?”
“Sweetie. Moms know these things. Whereas my other girls . . .”
“Oh, Mom.” Harper pushed out of her mother’s arms. “Stop it. You aren’t supposed to know anything about your kids’ sex lives. And even if you do, you certainly aren’t supposed to talk about it.”
“You’ll know these things one day, too.” Her mother nodded. “When you do have kids.”
“But I don’t think I ever will.”
“Why not?”
Harper lifted her shoulders. “Because I don’t deserve them.”
“Baby.” Her mother took Harper’s hand and pulled her down to the couch. “If anyone in this world deserves to mother a child, it’s you. You have so much love to give.”
“But I—”
“Thomas wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever.”
“I know that, Mom. But he died because of me. How can I move on after that?”
“No, baby. He died doing what he loved.”
“But I talked him into too much stuff. He wouldn’t have done half of it if not for me.”
Her mother scowled. “That’s a load of bull, and you know it.”
Harper chuckled dryly at her mother’s words, but explained, “You don’t understand. His brother was the adventurous one.”
“And maybe his brother’s accident did lead Thomas into taking more risks than he would have. Didn’t you tell me he’d always looked up to his brother? That he was already following in his footsteps, even before Harry died?”
“He was. He’d talk Harry into taking him on the difficult slopes with him. Or climbing the experienced trails. They did lots of things together. But he quit all that after Harry’s death.”
“Why?”
“Partially because his parents wouldn’t allow him to do it.” At least, that’s what he’d told her. “But he said he didn’t want to, anyway.”
“Yet when he no longer needed their permission,” her mom said, “didn’t he start up again?”
Harper nodded.
Her mother looked directly into Harper’s face and said, “He lived his life the way he wanted, baby. He didn’t do anything that he didn’t want to do. Don’t you see that? He loved his life with you, being with you. He loved taking care of you. In fact, your father and he had a long talk before you got married. Thomas was good for you, Harper. You two fit. He would have died for you.”
“He did die for me.”
“And do you think he could have lived with himself if he’d lived without saving you?”
Harper lowered her eyes, because she knew the answer. “I think that might have destroyed him.”
Yet that didn’t mean her not being able to save him hadn’t also destroyed a piece of her.
“I know it would have.” Her mom squeezed Harper’s hands. “Ever thought that maybe he’s the one who sent you Nick to be in your life?”
Harper’s gaze shot to her mom’s. “We’re not even talking about Nick.”
“Aren’t we?”
She shook her head, but her mouth didn’t get the message to stay shut. “I hurt him, Mom.” She sucked in a breath. “He told me he could see us long term. But we’re not long term.”
“I don’t know,” her mom mused. “I could see it. You two are good together.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Sweetie.” She cupped Harper’s cheeks in both her hands. “He looked at you the same way Thomas did. How did you not see that? He cares about you.”
“But what if I . . .” She didn’t finish the sentence. Was she really afraid her actions would end up killing Nick as they had Thomas? Nick was high-octane long before he met her. He was also the kind of man who did what he wanted.
Yet, the fear was real.
“I wouldn’t want to hurt him, too,” she whispered before once again dropping her gaze. “Or for me to hurt because of him.”
Her mom pulled her in for another hug and spoke with her mouth near Harper’s ear. “You already know you’re not going to hurt him. He can take care of himself. But life isn’t without risks, and you know that, too. You may be my tender one, but you were born walking the edge. It’s who you are.”
“But I’m tired of hurting.”
She pulled back. “So you’d rather not live at all? Thomas died protecting you, Harper. Why would you stop living now? He would hate that.” She stood and moved to the door and asked Harper’s father to come in. “Tell your daughter that love isn’t always easy,” she instructed. “That people deserve second chances.”
“What are you talking about?” Harper asked.
Her dad looked at her then, and a feeling of trepidation come over Harper. “Did your mom ever tell you that I was married before?” he asked. “That I married her best friend?”
Harper stood. “What?”
“I fell in love with her best friend,” her dad said matter-of-factly. “Before I ever had eyes for your mother. We ran off and eloped. It was wild and passionate. Oh . . .” He let out a sigh. “We were crazy about each other.”
“Mom . . .”
Her mother put an arm around her dad. “What can I say? He liked her better than me.”
“You didn’t even like me then.” Her dad pulled a face. “You thought she could do better.”
“It’s true. I did.”
“But you’re both so happy.” Harper looked from one to the other. “I thought you were made for each other.”
“We are happy,” her dad explained. “And we always have been. But Annie was taken from us both. She died of cancer only a year after she and I married. Your mom and I both hurt from that. Tremendously. But because of her, we came together. And we’ve never regretted that.”
Shock kept Harper where she was. “I had no idea. How have you kept that from us all this time?”
Her mother gave a soft smile. “It was a special thing between us. There was no need to share it. Until today. Things happen for a reason, baby, and we’ll never be able to understand why. But without Annie’s death, I wouldn’t have any of you. And without Thomas . . .”
Harper gulped at the implication. She shook her head back and forth as she tried to sort through her thoughts. They were all too jumbled. “I just don’t know. And anyway, I hurt Nick. I told him no. That Thomas was my one and only.”
“He’s a bright boy,” her dad said. He kissed her mother’s cheek and gave her a wink before adding, “You might consider giving him a second chance. Sometimes they pay off.”
“Maybe,” Harper muttered. Could she really do that, though? Have a second-chance love? She still found that hard to believe. “The thing is, he might not be willing to give me a second chance?”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
It all seemed too improbable. “I’ll think about it. But I’m not making any promises.”
Her dad cross
ed to her then and took her hands. The warmth of his grip comforted her, and strangely, made her feel as if Thomas were there in the room with them. “You’re a smart girl, too, Harp. You’ll make the right decisions. And Thomas will be cheering you on every step of the way.”
“Thanks, Dad.” She just wished she had a clue what the right decision was.
She hugged her father, grateful to have him in her life, and let her head rest on his shoulder an extra amount of time. Before she stepped away, she opened her eyes and saw a new light now shining in her mother’s eyes. One she hadn’t seen directed toward her in months. Hope.
And for the first time, Harper wanted to have hope.
Her dad stepped back, and in true Margaret Jackson fashion, her mother lifted her brows and pinned Harper with a look. “You’re also smart enough to know that you’re not about to rope me into this mess of yours all by myself.” She eyed the pile of presents and the mounds of food. “But I’ll tell you what I will do. I’ll get my women’s club to help us. I’ll line up a group and we’ll get this mess out of here within days.”
Harper breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Mom.”
“But on one condition.”
She waited, instinctively knowing that her mother was about to push.
“Before you volunteer for anything else, you have to promise to have a long, serious conversation with yourself about going back to search and rescue. That’s who you are, baby. It’s horrible that Thomas will never again be in the helicopter with you. I hate that for you and him both. But you’ve wanted that since you first learned that people could get stranded or lost. You’ve found people. You’ve saved them. You’ve made a difference, sweetheart, and before you never take that flight again, you make sure you’re quitting because it’s the right decision for you.”
They left after that, and Harper watched them drive away. And it surprised her that the thought that showed up in her head next wasn’t of Thomas, but of Nick. Could her parents be right about him? About them?
Did she really deserve a second chance?
She honestly wasn’t sure how she felt about anything they’d said, so she decided to wait and ponder everything later that night. Right now, she wanted to return to her painting. And she wanted to paint the living room the color by the door. She had only a sample at the house, but she quickly went out and purchased several gallons. And as she painted long into the night, she surprised herself by carrying on a one-sided conversation with her late husband. They’d once picked out everything for these rooms, and she suddenly wanted to do that with him again.
She didn’t need a designer. She just needed to channel Thomas.
Several days later, all the downstairs rooms were repainted and all the charitable donations had been packed up and delivered. And as she stood in the middle of her newly colored spaces, Harper began to smile again. Because another question had been answered over those days of painting, as well. She would sell the house. And the proceeds would start a foundation in Harry’s name.
Which also meant she’d have to remove Thomas’s belongings from the house. It was time. And she would do that job herself. No hiring it out to impersonal movers. Thomas deserved to have her in his life for the last time, and instead of dread, she’d begun to look forward to the task.
Sore and exhausted from the painting, she could have easily gone to bed, but instead, she headed up the stairs. As she opened Thomas’s door, an explosion of color burst over the lake in the distance, and she moved to the window. She hadn’t even realized what day it was. Independence Day. That must be why her family had all been trying to get in touch with her. They usually got together as a group and grilled out on the Fourth.
But she’d ignored all calls that had come in that day, texting that she was busy. And she was fine with that. They could be over there watching it together. Because Thomas had loved fireworks, too, and it seemed appropriate that she and he watch them together this one last time.
She spread open the drapes and picked out a spot on the guest bed so she could both sort through boxes and watch out the window at the same time. But she didn’t open a single box. Instead, she grabbed a pillow and stretched out to watch the show through the bedroom window. And she began to talk to her husband.
“I love you, Thomas. You know that. And I always will. And I’m so very sorry that I panicked, but at the same time, thank you for saving me. Mom was right. That’s the kind of man you were, and you wouldn’t have had it any other way. And I knew that. As angry as I was, I knew that all along.
“I guess I should apologize for being angry, too, but you always did love my passion, didn’t you? So I can’t really say that I’m sorry for having strong feelings about losing you. I am sorry I lost our baby, though. Maybe it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. Or maybe it was. Possibly my grief caused too much stress. I’ll never know.”
A burst of red, white, and blue showered down in the distance.
“It’s beautiful, Thomas. I wish you could see it with me.”
Another round went off, and she opened the window so she could hear the booms. She sat down in front of the glass and leaned against the windowsill.
“I shouldn’t have gotten out of SAR work, though.” She said those words as much to herself as to Thomas. “I know that probably hurt you the most, but I just couldn’t do it. I was too mad. And yes, I’ll admit that partially I wanted to hurt you. Because I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to live after you left me. But you know what I figured out this week?” She looked at the closet, as if her husband were just behind the doors. “You may have left me, but you went to be with your brother. And Harry probably needed you more than me. So that’s okay. Tell him I said hi.”
She closed her eyes as the booms echoed in the background, and she thought about all the things that her life was supposed to have been. And then she thought about Nick. She missed him so much. It had been over two weeks, and she wanted to see him now as badly as she’d wanted to go after him the night he’d walked away.
“I didn’t want to help anyone for a while,” she whispered, “because there was no way anyone could help me. But I do now. My anger is fading. I may not be able to save you or our baby, but I can help others. So I will do that. I make that promise to you now. I’ll never stop being what we were again.”
More booms sounded, and she opened her eyes. She could practically see Thomas smiling back at her, and she nodded. “I wish I had you back in my life, but I’m ready to let go.”
Orange and green rained down on the lake, and tears began to fall over Harper’s cheeks.
“I love him, Thomas. I’m not sure how or why or when. And I know it hasn’t even been two years without you yet, but I love him. And I think he could learn to love me. If I haven’t already run him off.”
She wiped at her cheeks, but more tears immediately replaced the ones now on her fingers.
“I don’t want to be sad the rest of my life.” Her voice shook. “And I know you don’t want that for me. So will you make me one last promise? Will you and our baby watch over me as I try to move forward? Maybe send me the strength to attempt this thing with Nick? Because I need him, Thomas. I never imagined I’d get a second chance, but he’s as good as you. I promise. And I know you would have loved him, too.”
A burst of fireworks so loud and so big stopped Harper’s words, and she watched silently until every last color faded away. Then she stood and got busy sorting through Thomas’s things. It was time to do something other than sit still.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nick perched on the bottom rung of the gate, adrenaline zapping through his body, as he waited for his turn. He was back in Birch Bay for a one-night event, and the ride he was about to take would be it for him. He was hanging up his rope.
He’d had a good run, earned plenty of money, and had only broken a handful of bones. It had been a fantastic career. And though he’d gotten into it for all the wrong reasons, he didn’t regret his decision one bit. Bull
riding was a part of him now. But he was ready to move on. There was more waiting out there for him.
He caught sight of Jewel and Bobby watching from the corner, and he mentally patted himself on the back for not looking around for Harper. Seemed she was in his past, too. Though he had considered texting to let her know he’d be making his final ride here tonight. They might not be a couple, but they had been friends. He would’ve liked to have seen her here for him.
The speaker in the middle of the arena fired to life. “Next up is a local boy, folks, and with this ride comes a huge announcement. Two-time Montana Pro champ Nick Wilde is taking his final ride tonight.”
The crowd gasped with shock, followed by groans and the beginning of clapping.
“He wanted to take that ride here with us, so let’s get behind him and make this one count.”
The speakers went quiet, and Nick rose up to the next rung. He waved his hat at the cheering crowd, taking in the moment. He did love this attention. And he’d miss it. But he also knew he’d made the right decision. There were bigger things waiting for him, and this time he planned to live his life for himself, not for anyone else.
The crowd died down as he and his spotter got into position, and then Nick slung his leg over the gate. His focus was strong tonight. Legs set, rope tight, back straight. He said his prayer and gave the nod.
The gate flew open, and he and bull went out as one. The bull gave it everything he had, but there was no way Nick wasn’t staying on for this ride. The buzzer sounded, and a grin arrived before he’d even hit the ground. That had to be darned close to the best ride he’d ever taken.
As a score of ninety flashed, contentment settled over him. Life was finally heading in the right direction. The fans showed their gratitude with a minute-long standing ovation. Cameras flashed, and he even caught a couple of faces wet with tears. His friends and family glowed with pride. This was the way to go out.