“No.” Would listening to her dad bring some kind of closure on her childhood? Would it help her to forgive him? She knew that was what the Lord wanted her to do. She just didn’t know if she could.
Ian started the car. “Pick a private place. A restaurant or the street isn’t a place to have that conversation.” As he backed out of the parking space, he peered at her. “And I’ll be here to listen afterward.”
Another brick around her defenses crumbled at his offer. Every time she was with him, she discovered more things to like about Ian—someone a month ago she would have said was night to her day. Yes, they were still very different, and yet there was a connection to him she hadn’t experienced since Daniel. The realization scared her.
* * *
“So, you’re gonna come pick me up for church tomorrow?” Jana asked from the backseat of Ian’s car.
Alexa angled toward her. “If it’s okay with your dad.”
“Can I, Dad? I want to go to church with Alexa.”
Ian parked in front of the corral at the Wild Bill Buffalo Ranch. “Will you be okay if I don’t go? I have a lot of work I need to get done.”
Doubt clouding her eyes, Jana glanced from her father to Alexa. “Are ya sure ya can’t come?”
“Hon, not tomorrow. I’ve gotten behind and need the time to catch up.”
Jana squared her shoulders. “I’ll be all right then, but I hope you’ll come next week.”
“Next week?” One of his eyebrows arched. “Planning ahead. Has Alexa agreed?”
“Well, no.” Her brow creased, Jana swung her attention to Alexa.
“You can go anytime I go.” But I hope your dad will come, too.
“Great. Let’s get a move on it. The party has started.” Jana climbed from the car and rushed toward Ashley, who stood in the barn entrance.
“Have you square-danced before?” Ian opened his door, and the light brightened the interior, illuminating the hesitation in his expression.
“No. Have you?”
“Nope. And whenever I danced in the past, I’ve had two left feet, so I’m warning you now.”
For just a moment Alexa felt as though they were on a date. Which wasn’t the case. She had to remember that. She was here because of Jana—not Ian. And yet she had gotten ready as if she was going on a date. Even the fact Ian had picked her up at her house and come to her door had reinforced that feeling.
“Well, I’m pretty coordinated, so I’ll help you make it through the evening.” Alexa exited the car, the cool night air enveloping her. She shivered. She should have worn more than a sweater.
“Cold?”
“It’s a little chillier than I thought it would be. You just never know in Oklahoma about the weather, especially in February. Sunny and seventy degrees one day and snowing the next.”
He removed his jacket. “Here, wear this. The cold doesn’t usually bother me. I have a feeling when we get inside it’ll be warm. Look at all the people attending.” After gesturing at the vehicles parked near the barn, he slipped his coat over her shoulders.
She snuggled into its warmth, his male scent wrapping around her. Her pulse picked up speed as though his arms had surrounded her in a hug. What would it be like if he kissed her? Not a brush of his lips across hers. Something much more than that. “You’re probably right. Did everyone in the HHH group show up here?”
“I know at the meeting last week the kids were looking forward to it and so were the parents.”
“Jana told me she finally went with you to a meeting and had a good time.”
“I think her friendship with Ashley is helping draw her into the activities. That and your influence.”
“I wish my class wasn’t on the night you meet with the other parents. I’d love to attend one. Maybe during spring break next month. I’ll have the week off.”
“If you’ve got your planner, pencil us in. How’s it working for you?” Ian paused in the entrance to the barn.
“If I would look at it each morning, it would work better. Just writing an activity on the calendar doesn’t mean anything if I don’t check it the day it’s supposed to happen. I’m not used to having a planner, so I’ve missed a few things.” Scanning the crowd, she saw a few familiar faces. “I see Nancy. I’m gonna go say hi.”
Before she took a step away, Ian snagged her hand. “When the dancing starts, don’t leave me stranded.”
Her heart fluttered. The appeal in his eyes accelerated her pulse rate even more. “I’m sure Jana would be your partner.”
“She said she hopes Randy asks her to dance. She all but told me to stay away and give him a chance. I know she’ll be eleven in a few weeks, but she’s growing up too fast. She’s beginning to think about boys.”
Alexa leaned close to Ian. “I have news for you. She probably was thinking about boys before now.”
His eyes grew huge. “This is the part about being a father I’m fearing.”
She patted his arm. “You’ll do fine. I won’t abandon you when Zachary gets started with the square dancing.”
As she walked toward Nancy off to the side by the refreshment table, she couldn’t help wondering if her father had feared the same thing. She’d never given him much reason to because when she was sixteen, she’d begun dating Daniel, the son of close friends to her parents. He’d often been at her house as though he were part of the family.
She greeted her adviser with a smile. “You all did a great job on the decorations.” Her gaze roamed over the Western-style Valentine’s Day theme—hearts done in a red-and-white checker pattern, small Stetsons filled with red-and-white, heart-shaped candy, a cut-out poster of a woman being roped by a cowboy who was pulling her toward him.
“Ashley’s family and a couple of other people did all this. I can’t take credit for it.” Nancy stepped away from the table off to the side, where it wasn’t crowded. “I’m glad to see you here with Jana and Ian. You’ve been so good for her. When I saw them at the meeting this last week, Ian stopped to tell me thanks for recommending you.”
“He did?” She searched the throng and found Ian standing with Zachary, talking. In his quiet way Ian commanded a person’s attention. Dressed in jeans, a plaid shirt and boots, he looked as much a cowboy as Zachary. Although Ian wasn’t used to this casual attire, the only thing, however, that gave him away was the brand-new boots that stuck out from his slightly worn jeans.
“Yes.” Nancy studied her a moment. “I’ve noticed lately in class you’ve been distracted. It’s not like you to be lost in thought. Is everything all right?”
“My dad is still here. I thought he would go back by now.”
“Isn’t that good? Aren’t you glad they’re trying to work out their issues?”
“You know about my issues with my father.” Not long after saying something to Ian, she’d also confided to Nancy about what was going on with her and her father. “Ian thinks I need to have that conversation with my father. I don’t know if I can. I’ve been avoiding him since we met for lunch, but it’s getting hard. He’s always at the house when my mom is there. He’s determined to get Mom to come home with him. And when my father is determined, nothing stands in his way.”
“But you did.” Nancy shifted farther away from the crowd.
“Yeah, which is probably why he wants to talk. To try one more time to get me to do what he wants.”
“Do you know that for sure?”
“I know my dad. He hasn’t changed. He’s pressing my mom hard to return home.”
“I think Ian is right. Talk to him. Try to forgive him, Alexa. That’s the only way you’ll be free to move on. As long as you hold your anger inside, you’ll never be totally free from your father.”
“I know.” But the thought of that conversation chilled her blood.
After observing his daughter learn the DoSaDo step then the flutter wheel—where in the world did they come up with these names for dance steps—Ian had his doubts about not making a fool of himself. Maybe if h
e disappeared in the crowd of people in a circle around the floor set up in the barn for the square dancing, Jana would forget he was here. Then he remembered her challenge as she’d come off the floor with Randy with the biggest grin on her face. She didn’t think he could do it. He rubbed the taut muscles along the back of his neck. The problem was, he didn’t know if he could do it either.
Alexa appeared at his side. He sensed her before he glanced at her.
Her smile twinkled in her eyes. “Are you ready?”
“No, let’s go for a walk. Maybe some fresh air will help.”
“With what?”
“My coordination. My…” He shrugged. “Okay. I don’t like being onstage. There, I said it. My big secret is out.”
She chuckled. “I used to feel that way. But since I’m studying to be a teacher, I had to overcome it. Teachers are ‘onstage’ every day.”
“So, it doesn’t bother you to get up in front of fifty people and do something you don’t know how to do?”
“Are these people friends?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you should be all right.” She pointed to the couples heading out into the center. “I’m sure we won’t be the only novices out there.”
* * *
After fifteen minutes of instruction, Ian wasn’t so sure he wasn’t the only novice attempting to square-dance. Even Alexa looked like a pro compared to him. He tried another run at the Chain Down the Line step and ended up spinning Alexa in the wrong direction, which caused him to face the man across from him instead of the woman.
“Okay, let’s try that again,” Zachary said as he walked over to Ian and stood by him. When he began the call, he guided Ian in the right direction.
“I think I’ve got it now.” After Zachary left, Ian whispered, “I think he’s speaking a foreign language.”
“You’re doing great.”
“Yeah, if they allowed an elephant to do it. I’m sorry I stepped on your foot. At least you aren’t limping anymore.”
“Okay, we’re gonna try this to a song. Ready.” Zachary signaled the person running the sound system to cue up the song.
Ian completed the first move behind the others, and the rest of the song went downhill from there. By the time he promenaded Alexa down the middle, his cheeks felt like they were on fire. But he stuck with it to the very last note. The audience erupted into applause. Ian made a direct line to the fringe of the crowd surrounding the dance floor, practically dragging Alexa with him. He dived through the throng and kept striding toward the exit.
Outside in the cooler night air, he faced Alexa. “Did I do as bad a job as I think?”
The lights from inside illuminated her expression, not one sign of ridicule in it. “You did fine. You might not have noticed the others made mistakes, but everyone did. Square dancing isn’t something you do effortlessly overnight. I can tell you, your daughter was clapping louder than anyone there.”
“She was?”
“Yep.”
“I felt out of control on the dance floor.”
“You don’t like being out of control?”
“Does anyone?”
“True, probably not. But I learned I’m really not in control. Once I accepted that the Lord had the final say, I let a lot go.”
“So, you’ve never felt like your life is falling apart around you?”
“Yes.” She averted her gaze, staring off into space. “When Daniel died unexpectedly my life came completely apart right after that. All the plans I’d made with him were gone. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was I didn’t want to go to medical school like my father wanted. Instead of staying and making my dad see my side, I fled. Now I’m beginning to wonder if that was the best way to have handled the situation. I knew my dad would be angry and make demands I wouldn’t fulfill. I think secretly I was hoping that would happen. Then the hard decisions would be taken away from me.”
Was she still in love with Daniel? That thought gave him pause. There was a time he’d loved Tracy, but she’d crushed that love. Her betrayal had hurt him. Alexa also had, in a way, been hurt by someone who had abandoned her. Was that why he felt a connection with her? Their bond scared him. And yet, he couldn’t seem to resist her.
Ian took her hands and tugged her away from the entrance and a couple leaving the barn. Positioning himself against the railing of the corral, he drew her close. “What decisions?”
“What do I really want in life? How do I go about getting it? Why do I want whatever it is? What is my purpose? I reacted without thought to Dad, and I haven’t stopped to really answer those questions.”
“I thought you wanted to be a teacher.” His thumb rubbed a circle in her palm, the tingling sensations of their touch robbing him of coherent thought for a few seconds. He considered releasing her hands but didn’t want to break the physical connection.
“Yes, but what do I want to do with that? Do I still want to travel the world and teach in underdeveloped countries like Daniel and I talked about? It was his dream as much as mine. I latched on to it and escaped to Tallgrass to fulfill it.”
“Do you still want to do it?”
“I’m applying for a scholarship Nancy told me about. If I get it, I’ll be going to school full-time and finishing my degree two semesters early. Then I’ll be placed for three years in a third world country through the group that sponsored the scholarship. This is an opportunity I’ve been dreaming about for years and only lately have I realized it is my dream as much as it was Daniel’s.”
“Ah, I see.” So, she would be leaving Tallgrass, probably by the end of the year. He had started to care about Alexa, but if he continued, he would be setting himself up to be hurt again. How could he do that to himself or Jana? “When will you know about the scholarship?”
“At the beginning of March, I’ll find out if I’m a finalist, then the person will be selected by the first of April.”
Six weeks. He could keep his distance from her that long. He released her hands and sidled a few feet away, as though that was his first step in severing any emotional ties that had developed since he had gotten to know her.
“I don’t hear the music anymore. Maybe that means no more square dancing.” Ian moved toward the entrance into the barn.
Her laugh sprinkling the air, Alexa fell into place next to him. “So, I guess you aren’t gonna sign up for dance lessons?”
“I’ll pass.”
He entered and looked around until he found his daughter. Jana stood with a group of kids her age. The smile on her face, so like his ex-wife’s, caused him to suck in a deep breath. Anger stirred in the pit of his stomach. Jana should have a woman’s touch in her life. When Alexa left them at the end of April, what would his daughter do?
What would he do? That question came out of the blue. Did he have more at stake keeping Alexa around than his daughter?
Chapter Nine
After dropping Jana off at home following church on Sunday, Alexa headed to her place. As she turned onto her street, she saw her father’s Lincoln Town Car out front. A heaviness sank deep into her heart.
She climbed from her vehicle and spotted her dad sitting on the top step and trudged toward a meeting she couldn’t put off any longer. “Mom’s gone to lunch with some ladies at the church. She won’t be home for a couple of hours.” Why didn’t she go with her mother? Beads of sweat coated her face.
Lord, I don’t want to do this. What good will come from talking to him?
“I know. I called her and she told me.”
Her rising panic contracted a band around her chest, making each breath difficult. “Then why are you here?”
“To talk to you. This past week talking with your mother has made me rethink a lot about the past.”
His grave tone, coupled with his pensive expression, tightened the constriction. Alexa inhaled, and yet it wasn’t enough to alleviate the sensation she couldn’t get enough oxygen. She couldn’t answer him. Instead, she nodded and mounted the stairs
to the front door. He followed her into the house.
Alexa tossed her purse on the coffee table and sank into a chair. Several deeper breaths and she finally asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
Her father stood for a few more seconds then selected a place on the couch across from Alexa to sit. “Us. What happened five years ago?”
She shifted, crossing her ankles one direction then the other. Finally, she felt compelled to say, “It’s the past. Done. Over.”
“Is it?” His gaze slid away from hers. “I was—wrong in what I said right before you left home.”
Did she hear him right? Folding her hands in her lap, she leaned forward, but she couldn’t think of anything to say to his statement.
“Your mother in her not-so-subtle way has been telling me all the things I need to make amends for if I want our marriage to work.”
Anger pushed through her shock at his confession that he’d actually done something wrong. “Oh, I see. You’re only here because Mom has forced you.” She rose. “I have an application to complete and not a lot of time. Thanks for coming by, but you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.” With her hands balled at her sides, she started for the kitchen where she had her paperwork spread out on the table.
“I’ve hurt you again. I’m not very good at this.”
She halted and pivoted. “At what? Making me feel as though I come in second in your life? You’ve always been very good at that.”
“Please take a seat and listen to what I have to say.”
The beseeching look on his face nearly undid Alexa. Her anger deflated, but she remained standing, only a few feet from the kitchen door.
“I wanted you to do what I wanted, but I’m finally realizing I should have listened to you about what you wanted. Your mother said she told you about my first wife, Irene, and my son who died in a car wreck. After that, I swore I would never love anyone that much. I held my little boy in my arms as he died. With his death, I thought my dreams had died, too.”
A Gift of Love (New Beginnings Book 5) Page 12