So, Jana had been watching them on the porch. Had she really been asleep? Little things the child had done over the past month or so led her to believe Jana was trying to fix up Ian and her. The invitation to eat dinner the evening of her birthday was a good example, and she wasn’t sure what to do about Ian, because under all that anger he manifested toward Tracy, Alexa couldn’t help wondering if he was still in love with his ex-wife.
“Do you know he’s cleaned up his work area in the garage? I saw him last week late at night. I couldn’t sleep and got up to get something to eat. I saw him picking up several of his tools. He even brought out something he hadn’t finished and placed it on his work bench.”
“I didn’t have anything to do with that.”
“Yes, you did.”
The thought that she could have helped Ian made her heart sing, then she remembered how he had been acting the past few weeks—withdrawn, deep in his own thoughts. It was more than his heavy workload. “Jana, you’re reading something into a situation that isn’t there.”
“I don’t want you to leave at the end of the month. You understand me. You care about me. Mom’s gonna come here for a few days and move on. I…” Jana swallowed the rest of her words, her eyes misting.
Alexa folded her arms around Jana, her growing feelings for the child—and her father—thickening her throat with her own tears. “Just because I won’t be here every day as your tutor doesn’t mean I won’t see you. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m in your life now as a friend.” She pulled back, cupping the girl’s chin and lifting it. “I take being friends very seriously. And my feelings aren’t going to change concerning you.”
“Mom’s did.”
“I’m not your mother. When you become my friend, you become my friend for life.”
“Is Dad a friend?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then help him.”
“I’ll try.”
* * *
The following Thursday, Alexa rapped her knuckles against Ian’s closed office door. Her stomach constricted as though riddled with tiny knots.
“Come in.”
When she entered the room, she came to a halt a few feet inside and blinked at the chaotic mess surrounding Ian. Stacks of folders—but not in their neat little piles—littered his desk, some even on the floor. The blinds behind him were still drawn, little light leaking through the slats although it was early afternoon and bright and sunny outside.
“Is this what it’s like a week before April fifteenth?” She waved her arm about at the clutter.
He scanned his office. “Not usually.”
“Then what’s happened? I would think someone snatched the real Ian and replaced him with you.”
He arched an eyebrow. “More clients.”
“Is that really what it is? You’re never disorganized and frankly this is, for want of a better word, a mess.”
“Maybe you’re rubbing off on me.”
“Ouch! I may not be organized like you, but I’m not messy.”
He heaved a deep sigh. “You’re right, and I shouldn’t have said that.” He typed something on his computer then looked at her again. “What do you need?”
“I’ll come back later. This obviously isn’t a good time to talk.”
“Later won’t be either. Not for the next seven days, especially since Tracy has decided to visit Jana tomorrow. I think she purposely picked my busiest time to come back to Tallgrass finally. Now I have to worry about Jana and how she’s gonna take this visit, because her mother will leave again.”
“You’ll be there for her like you’ve always been.”
“But will it be enough?”
“I’m not going to tell you she won’t miss her mother. She will. But you and your love will fill the void.”
Dropping his head, he rubbed his fingertips into his brow. “A girl should have a special bond with her mother.”
“In a perfect world, yes. A bond between a father and daughter is special, too. Don’t forget that.”
Ian peered at his computer screen for a long moment. “What did you need to see me about?”
Alexa stuck her hand in her pocket and fingered the letter she’d received from the Christian Teachers International Organization. She needed to tell them if she was going to accept the scholarship by April sixteenth. She didn’t want to wait to the last minute to tell Ian and Jana.
Fortifying herself with a deep inhalation, she moved forward and sank into the chair in front of his desk. When his gaze pinned hers down, she wanted to tear it away but couldn’t. “Yesterday I received notification that I got the scholarship.”
The slight narrowing of his look was the only indication he even heard what she’d said. Then his mouth tightened, and he looked back at the screen. “Congratulations.” He entered something on the computer then checked the paper next to the keyboard.
Alexa stared at the top of his head. Her hands clenched in her lap. Although he’d said all the right words, the tone conveyed a coldness that left her chilled. She crossed her arms over her chest. “Is that all you have to say?” Please tell me not to accept it because you—
His gaze riveted to hers. “What else do you want me to say? That I wish you hadn’t gotten the scholarship? That I wanted you to struggle to pay for your schooling? That I didn’t want you to fulfill one of your dreams? What kind of man do you think I am?”
The kind I could fall in love with. She swallowed several times and said, “Well, no, but I would have liked to discuss the scholarship with you. I have to accept it by April sixteenth.”
“Why wouldn’t you accept it? It will give you the means to travel and teach in another country. It will pay for your last year of college and your student loans. You’re young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and this is a terrific opportunity for you.”
His logical reasoning struck her in the face as though he’d slapped her. No emotion in his voice. No emotion in his expression. Ask me to stay. Give me another dream. Those words slipped into her mind and stunned her. She’d known she was falling in love with him, but until now she’d thought she could stop the feeling from taking over her life. But no, it was entrenched in her now, to the point where it took priority over what she’d always thought she wanted. But it was obvious Ian didn’t return those feelings.
She rose. “I wanted you to know. That’s all. I’d better get back to Jana. She’s finishing up writing her own fairy tale and illustrating it. She wants to give it to her mother when she sees her tomorrow.”
“Fine,” he mumbled, and stared at the figures on the paper before him. He cared a great deal for Alexa, but he couldn’t stand in her way.
He waited until Alexa closed the office door before looking up. He didn’t know how long he could conceal his true feelings. In his heart he’d known she would get the scholarship. Why, Lord, did You send her to us and then take her away? Why was Tracy coming back now of all times? Alexa said You’re her strength and that he could rely on God for help. He needed that help now. He felt his life was in shambles. About the only thing going right was Jana’s recovery, but even that was threatened now with Tracy’s visit and Alexa’s departure.
His eyes stung from exhaustion. He buried his face in his hands, massaging his fingertips into his skin. He would never give his heart to another. It hurt too much.
* * *
The next afternoon when the doorbell chimed, Jana raced into the foyer ahead of Ian. Alexa stayed in the kitchen and cleaned up after their lunch. An eruption of voices from the entryway broke into the silence that hung over the room while they had eaten. Her hand clenched around the dishrag she used to wipe the counters.
Lord, please be with Jana and Ian during this visit. Help both of them deal with their emotions concerning Tracy.
“Alexa, I want you to meet my mom,” Jana said as she stood in the doorway, hugging a beautiful woman who looked like an older version of her.
Alexa stepped forward with her hand
extended. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Jana has told me you’re tutoring her.”
Although it wasn’t a question, Alexa said, “Yes.” Her mouth went dry at Tracy’s assessing perusal as she came into the kitchen. “Until tax season’s over.” She peered behind the woman and caught sight of Ian hanging back by the doorway into the room, an unreadable expression on his face, his countenance of late.
“You mean when Ian decides to rejoin the living.” Tracy’s mouth pinched into a frown as she spun toward him. “In fact, I’m sure you have work to do right now. Don’t let us keep you from it.”
He lounged against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest. “Oh, that’s okay. Don’t worry about me.” Although daggers didn’t fly from his eyes, his voice held them.
Tracy stiffened, glared at him then rotated back to Jana. “Where’s that dog of yours? Sugar?”
“I put her in my bedroom. I know you don’t like pets.”
“It’s not that I don’t like them, but I have an allergy to dog and cat fur.” Tracy took Jana’s hand. “Show me that fairy tale you wrote.” She led her daughter toward the den.
Alexa watched them a few seconds until they disappeared into the other room, then she looked back at Ian, who remained by the entrance, all the nonchalance gone from his posture, his expression not unreadable now. She saw a man hurting. She crossed to him. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I feel like…” He pressed his lips together.
“Like what?”
“Nothing. It’s not important. I’ll be in my office.” He pivoted and strode away.
The urge to go after him and take him into her arms deluged Alexa as though hundreds of gallons of water drenched her. She took several steps toward him. As if sensing her behind him, he halted and peered over his shoulder.
“I’ll be all right once she’s gone.”
His tone dismissed any help she might offer, and he continued the trek to his office. The sound of the door closing reinforced how easy it was for him to shut her out. Like her father had done for years. But not anymore. Could she break through Ian’s defenses?
If he didn’t want her help, then she could at least be here for Jana if she needed her. Alexa went back into the kitchen and decided to prepare something for dinner. She had to do something to keep herself busy while she listened to the chattering between Jana and her mother coming from the den.
* * *
Later that day, Alexa sat on Jana’s bed as the young girl twirled around and held out the flowing material of her skirt. “You look beautiful in the new outfit your mother gave you. How do you feel about going to dinner with your mother and stepfather?”
Ian’s daughter crunched her forehead. “I don’t know. She wants to spend as much time with me as possible before she leaves on Sunday.” She averted her gaze for a long moment. “But I never thought of her husband as my stepfather. I only have one dad.”
“I agree, and he does a great job.” Even though he was stressed with the situation at the moment.
“I’m glad you stayed. He may need someone to talk to after I leave.”
The child’s concern for Ian touched Alexa deeply. In a lot of ways, she was much older than her eleven years, especially with what she had gone through the past year. “I’ll try to help any way I can.” She could remember when Ian talked with her concerning her father. She wanted to return the favor, if he would allow her. But this was the first time he’d come face-to-face with his ex-wife since she left, and he was struggling with having any kind of closure. Would she be a help or a hindrance?
Jana placed her hand over her stomach. “I have butterflies.”
“You’re only a phone call away. And you all are going to the restaurant at the inn. You like that place. You’ve been doing so good going places, even without your dad.”
“And this is important. Then tomorrow Mom said we’re going shopping. She loves to shop.”
“Do you?”
Jana thought about it for a long moment. “No.”
“Have you told your mother you’d rather do something else while she’s here?”
“No. She’s different. I’m not sure she’s happy. Oh, she laughs and talks a lot, but something’s wrong. I don’t want to upset her.”
“It’s okay to express your wants. She’s here for you. She came to Tallgrass because of you, remember that.”
“Yeah, you’re right. She promised me today to call more often, but I’m gonna try not to count on it.”
“Why?” Alexa rose.
“Because I don’t like how I feel when I get let down. I get so sad then angry at my mom. Do you think she left because of me?”
“No. You had nothing to do with it.”
“I don’t like being angry at her, because I’m afraid she won’t call again or see me, but she hurt me.” Tears misted in Jana’s eyes.
“Honey, anytime you want to talk I’m here to listen. I had those same feelings with my dad.”
Jana sucked in a shuddering breath. “What did you do?”
“Prayed a lot and worked to forgive him. Your mother wouldn’t have come to see you if she didn’t care.”
“My counselor’s been helping me to learn to count on myself.”
“And the Lord.”
“Yes, He’s always here.” Jana covered the space between them and hugged Alexa. “I love you, Alexa.”
Her heart swelled, and her own love clogged her throat. “I love you, too. You’re such a special young lady. Anyone would be proud to call you their daughter.”
“I wish that you’d—” Jana snapped her mouth closed.
Alexa stepped back. “What?”
“Oh, nothing.” The child grinned. “I think I’ll wait on the front porch. She should be here any minute.”
The doorbell rang as Jana left her bedroom. Alexa followed her to the foyer while Ian came out of his office.
The desolate look in his eyes vanished when he saw Jana. “Are you ready, pumpkin?”
His daughter nodded.
“If you need me, just call. I can be there in ten minutes. Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes. I’m gonna be fine, Dad. Don’t worry about me.” Jana pointedly peered at Alexa as Ian swung the front door open.
Tracy smiled at Jana. “That outfit looks great on you. We’ll have to get some more like that tomorrow.”
Jana slid her glance again toward Alexa for a few seconds then back to her mother. “I’ve been thinking about that. Can we do something else besides shopping?”
Tracy frowned. “Like what?”
“I haven’t been to the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve lately. We could have a picnic there.”
“Let’s go. We’ve got a reservation at six-thirty. We’ll talk about it at dinner.” Tracy held out her hand.
Jana’s huge gaze latched on to her father’s for a long moment before she fit her quivering hand into her mother’s. Jana was taking a big step tonight. Meeting outside the home with the person who had brought all her fears to the foreground. All Alexa wanted to do was wrap her arms around the young girl and tell her she loved her.
“You’ve got my cell phone.” Ian kissed his daughter’s cheek, a nerve twitching above his jaw.
Jana waved to her father as she walked beside her mother to the car waiting in the driveway. Ian stood on the porch, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his slacks. The stiff set to his shoulders and back underscored his tension. When the car disappeared from view, he turned to go into the house.
The bleakness he’d masked earlier took over his expression as his gaze fastened to Alexa’s. “You don’t have to stay.”
“I promised Jana I would.”
“I knew it. She’s worried about being gone with her mother.”
“Not exactly. Although I think she’s a little anxious, she’s mainly concerned about you.”
“Why? I’m not the one who stopped going out because of her anxiety.”
But you haven
’t moved on yet. “She thinks her mother leaving you all has affected you, too. Maybe even worse.”
“Nonsense.” Ian waved off her apprehension as he shut the front door. “I’m fine.”
“Are you?”
He started to say something, but Alexa held up her hand to stop the words. “Think about what you’ve been feeling since you found out Tracy was coming to see Jana before you give me your stock answer that you’re okay.”
In three strides he closed the space between them. “What if my stock answer is right?”
“Is it?”
“It—it—” He jerked away and stalked toward his office.
Alexa followed. In the past month her dreams had been filled with pictures of her, Ian and Jana as a family, but she knew it was impossible. Ian was still in love with his wife. Anger and hate could be a mask to cover up his suppressed love. They had been married for over ten years. “So, it isn’t right? You having some problems with Tracy being here?”
He whirled around in the middle of the room, his hands fisted at his sides. “You bet I am.”
The lethally quiet words hung in the air between them, charging it with his intensity. His eyes narrowed on her face, but she kept her gaze unwavering. Her chin went up a notch.
“At least you’re now admitting what I’ve known and obviously your daughter has for the past few weeks. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Why do women always want to talk about their feelings? No, I don’t want to talk. I want to forget Tracy even existed.”
Do you really? Alexa took a step closer to Ian. “Why?”
“Why! How can you ask that? She walked out on me and Jana. How can a mother do that to her child? I can understand abandoning a husband—me—” he thumped his chest “—but she practically ignored her daughter for over a year.” All pretenses faded from his posture, expression, tone of voice, to be replaced with his anger, directed at his ex-wife. “And now she’s waltzing back into Jana’s life like nothing is different and wants to pick up as though the past seventeen months didn’t happen.”
“You’re worried Jana won’t be able to handle this visit—or is it more about you not being able to handle Tracy’s reappearance?”
A Gift of Love (New Beginnings Book 5) Page 16