“A son.”
“Is that why you came home early?” I asked, angry for his ulterior motives.
“I came home to be a father to Shannon, a husband to you…and yes, hopefully to convince you that I’m worthy of a child, another child.”
“Worthy? You haven’t been a father, yet: a provider, yes; but not a father. The subject’s closed.”
“I’m re-opening it. I have rights as a husband to want another child. If the roles were reversed, I’d give you what you wanted. I’ve given you everything you could possibly want or need. I’m only asking for one thing.”
He stepped toward me and said, “Please, Rebecca. Let me be your husband. Let me in. Please?” He pulled me to him and leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head. He sighed and let me go.
“I’m sorry, Parker. I can’t give you what you want.”
“Is it that you don’t want any more children, or is it the thought of my touch that keeps you at arms-length?”
I didn’t know how to answer him. I did want more children, but not with him. And the thought of his touch turned my stomach. “I just…can’t. It’s not a good time for another child.”
“Shannon’s six, it’s the perfect time. She could be your little helper. She’d love a brother.”
“No. I’m sorry.”
He walked toward me again and pulled me to him. “Okay, if you don’t want another child right now; then let’s get to know each other again. We’re married, let’s act like it. Make love with me…please?” he pleaded.
“Parker, I’m tired. I um…I, not tonight.”
He sighed. “Don’t you mean, not any night? You’re my wife.”
“You have lovers. You don’t need me.”
“I had lovers because I don’t have you. I don’t see any of them anymore. I haven’t for weeks now.” He reached out and touched my hair. “I can make you forget him, if you’d just let me.”
It was all too much. I couldn’t handle one more thing. Shane was back and thoughts of him were all-consuming. I couldn’t handle the pressure from Parker now, too. I pushed him away, taking my anger for Shane out on my husband.
“I SAID NO!”
He looked hurt and angry, and frankly I didn’t blame him. He’d been there for me through it all. He hadn’t abandoned me…Shane had. I was pushing the wrong one away. “Parker…I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too.” He walked away. I heard the front door slam a few minutes later. I walked back into Shannon’s room and I wound up the snow globe and curled up with my daughter and cried.
Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Shane kept appearing everywhere. It was a week before Christmas and he ‘ran’ into us, while Shannon and I were shopping for Parker’s Christmas present.
“I see him as more of an ascot type of guy. Or, maybe one of those pink polo shirts,” he grinned.
“Hi Shane! Merry Christmas!” Shannon said and ran to him. She was crazy about him from the moment they met, and much to my agitation and constant worry, he was obviously in love with her.
“Hi Shannon. Are you excited about Christmas?”
“I can’t wait!”
“Did you ask Santa for anything special?”
“A whole bunch of things,” she whispered. “But, it’s not really about the toys, so don’t tell mom.”
“It’s a promise!” he said and bent down to hug her.
He was so taken with her, I could see it. Like a moth to a flame. I thought back to the days when I had to beg for any shred of affection from him, and yet he opened himself up without hesitation for his daughter.
He stood up and smiled at me, waiting for the flood of pink to color my cheeks. I didn’t disappoint him. “What did you ask for from Santa this year?”
I grabbed Shannon’s hand and said, “Peace and quiet!”
As I opened the door to let my parents in Christmas morning, I found three wrapped gifts on the porch. I wanted to throw them away before anyone saw them, but it was too late, Shannon came running out the door and saw the brightly wrapped packages and squealed with delight.
Luckily there were so many gifts and so much wrapping paper strewn through the room, that Parker and my parents didn’t even ask where the three gifts came from.
“Look Mommy! A Cinderella snow globe!”
I smiled and nodded, trying to usher her on to the next present.
Shane had always been constantly in my dreams and now he was an almost daily part of my life. I started to feel smothered by him and I’d finally had enough one afternoon when he showed up at the park.
Shannon was busy playing and didn’t see him this time. So, when I felt his presence next to me on the park bench, I lost it. He’d hurt me, broke my heart, left me alone and pregnant and all of the emotions, anger, fear and pain came out at once.
I stood up and said, “I DON’T WANT YOU HERE! I want you to leave and never come back!”
“It’s not up to you. I missed your pregnancy, the birth and the first six years of my daughter’s life! I won’t be denied another minute!”
“Don’t you see what you’re doing? You’re confusing her. She doesn’t understand why you keep coming around. I don’t understand it, either! She has a father! Just leave us alone!”
“Is that what you really want?” he asked, stepping closer to me. He brushed the hair back off my face and his brief touch brought all of my senses back to life. I could smell him, touch him, and feel him. At that moment, he was mine for the taking. He made it obvious that he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn’t falling for him this time. I stepped back, but not before he pulled me to him and crushed his lips to mine.
I hated him at that moment. He had awakened desires that I had managed to keep buried for over six years and he brought it all back with one kiss. I immediately started to pull away, but he pulled me closer, his kiss deepening, warm and inviting…wanting.
I couldn’t stop myself. I finally gave in and kissed him back. My hands reached up to lace around his neck. Instead of pushing him away, I pulled him closer and opened my mouth, longing for the taste and touch of his tongue on mine.
“A-hem! Excuse me! But, this is a ‘children’s park!’ If you two feel the need to continue, maybe you should go someplace a little more…private!” one of the mothers said while covering her son’s eyes from our passionate public display of affection.
This brought me back to reality. I pulled away and my hands flew to my now-swollen lips. “Oh, God, where’s Shannon? I have to go!” I was shaking so hard, I was certain he could see it.
“Rebecca,” he said; his voice hoarse with desire.
“I have to go!” I ran to the slide and grabbed her hand, hurrying her along.
“But, I was having fun! I don’t want to go!”
“I’ll buy you some ice cream on the way home.” I picked up my screaming child and carried her away from my car so that she wouldn’t see him and I didn’t have to face him after what I’d just allowed. I headed to the other side of the park and doubled back to my car. I was so thankful that Shannon had been busy playing with her friends and hadn’t seen us kissing. I knew that
Out of the Mouths of Babes
We had dinner at my parent’s home that night. I almost cancelled, feigning an illness, but thought better of it with Parker having taken the night off. I knew it would be easier to avoid not only the topic of another child, but his increasing interest in restoring our sex life, if we spent the evening with my parents.
We were eating dinner and once again I was lost in thought. I hadn’t eaten much in weeks and evidently it was starting to show.
“Rebecca, please eat. You’re skin and bone! You’re going to make yourself sick if you don’t start eating regularly.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“You don’t look fine. You look tired and flushed. Do you have a fever?” she asked, leaning over and touching my forehead as if I were still a child.
“Kiss her forehead, Grandma, that’s how you tell if she has a fever. Mommy always
kisses my forehead when I’m sick.”
She smiled at her granddaughter and then did just that, she leaned over and kissed my forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”
“I’m fine. I’m just tired,” I said, irritated by the attention.
“Is that what Snowballs doctor was doing today, Mommy? Checking to see if you have a fever? Did he give you ‘biotics’ too?”
This brought me back to reality. “What? No, no Honey. I’m fine.”
“What are you talking about?” Parker asked Shannon.
“My friend…Snowball’s doctor. He was seeing if mommy had a fever today at the park…”
“Shannon…no, that’s not…” I was panicking.
She ignored me, eager to finish her story. “But, he didn’t do it right. He kissed her on the mouth, not the forehead.”
My mother dropped her fork on her plate and stared at me.
I was stunned silent. I didn’t see any way out of this. I was caught red-handed by a six year old who’d seen me kissing her cat’s vet…her father at her favorite park.
I looked around the table. My mother was still staring at me, waiting for me to say something. My father looked confused, as if there was any reason I would possibly want to kiss any man other than his precious Parker. And Parker…he was shooting daggers at me, also waiting for an explanation.
“It’s not what you think…I…” but I couldn’t come up with a plausible excuse that didn’t exclude Shane, and I wasn’t willing to admit that he was back. I was angry at myself when I realized the reason I hadn’t told them he was back, was because I wanted to see him, I made it easy for him to find me, to find us. I wanted him, as much, if not more than I always had. I knew when they found out, when Parker and my father found out he was back, I’d lose him again…even though I didn’t really have him.
“Shannon, there’s pie for dessert. Your piece is already on your Cinderella plate, so why don’t you take it into the game room and watch cartoons while the grown-ups talk?”
The mention of dessert and cartoons had her running out of the room at full speed. Once she was gone, all eyes were back on me.
“It’s not…I didn’t…oh, I don’t have an explanation,” I said, looking down at my napkin.
“What the hell does that mean? Who’s the vet and why does he keep showing up around our daughter…around you?” Parker asked, accusingly.
“He’s…Snowballs vet. He just happened to be at the park…with his daughter.” That wasn’t a lie, at least.
“And?”
“And nothing,” I said, but looked away guiltily.
“Charlotte, would you mind keeping Shannon tonight?” Parker asked my mother but didn’t remove his glaring eyes from me.
“Of course.”
“Let’s go home, Rebecca!” he demanded.
“Not without my daughter!”
“She’ll be fine here. Evidently, we need to talk!”
“There’s nothing to talk about!”
My father cleared his throat and then excused himself from the table. He said goodnight, but when he looked at me, I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
“Goodnight,” I said, standing up and kissing his cheek. “I’ll just get Shannon. Thank you for dinner.”
“Honey, she can stay. I’d love for her to stay. Just run up and kiss her goodbye. I think the two of you could use some time alone.”
I looked up at Parker and knew it was going to be a long night. I took a deep breath and followed my mother upstairs to Shannon’s play room.
“Shannon, how would you like to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa?” I prayed she’d say no, but I knew it wasn’t likely.
“YAY! Yay, yay! Can I sleep with you and Grandpa?” she asked.
“I think that can be arranged. Why don’t you go get into your pajamas and we’ll crawl into bed in a little while and watch Cinderella.”
My mother’s attention was focused back on me again. I knew she could see I was hiding something, but she was still desperately trying to read me.
“Shane gave me a Cinderella snow globe, Grandma. Did you see it?”
“Who?” my mother asked, turning toward her granddaughter again.
“Snowball’s vet!” I said, praying she’d been too preoccupied to hear Shane’s name.
“Oh, I see. Well, that was very nice of him.”
She smiled and trotted off to get ready for bed.
My mother turned back to me, “Are you having an affair with the vet?”
“NO! Of course not!”
“Honey, I know you’re not happy…with Parker. But, surely you can see how much he loves you. Do you really think it’s wise to see this…man?”
“I’m NOT seeing him!”
“Okay, but surely you can see how he’s intruding in your life…your marriage?”
“Mom, drop it! It was just a coincidence that he showed up at the park today. Don’t read anything into it!”
“What about him kissing you? Was that just a coincidence, too?”
I turned away from my mother. “Mom…” I started to lie, but knew she’d see right through me. I took a deep breath and said, “I kissed him back,” I sighed. “I knew it was wrong and I started to pull away, but I couldn’t stop myself…I didn’t want to.” I turned back to face her and said, “One of the other mother’s interrupted us and when I realized what I’d done, I grabbed Shannon and ran.”
“Are you in love with this man?”
Why couldn’t anyone ask me an easy question for a change? “It was just a kiss. He caught me at a weak moment, nothing more. I ended it and I went home.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Drop it, please. It’s over. It was over before it began. Now, I guess I should go face the music.”
“Parker’s going to be crushed.”
“It was just a kiss.”
“You’re his wife.”
I wanted to shout at her, yell, scream. But, I simply nodded and walked away. I wondered what she’d think if she knew about all the women that Parker had slept with over the course of our ‘marriage?’ I could have so easily turned this around on him, making him the bad guy, but I knew, that although I’d been completely faithful…until that one kiss, I had never really given Parker what he needed or wanted. So, I went along as the only guilty party in our otherwise ‘flawless’ marriage and walked downstairs to face my husband’s angry glare.
It Was Just a Kiss! Yeah, Right!
The drive home was silent. I stared out the window trying to figure out what I was going to say. Telling him the truth was obviously out, as I still wasn’t ready to divulge that secret. I turned to him, thinking there’s no time like the present.
“Parker, it’s really not what you think.”
“I can’t talk to you right now,” he said, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles.
We only lived a few blocks from my parent’s home, so it wasn’t long before we were standing in the living room, staring at each other.
“Talk!” he ordered.
I looked down and saw no way out of it. “He showed up at the park…”
“And?”
“And, he was there with his daughter. We were talking…”
“Rebecca!”
“He kissed me, alright. Are you happy now?”
“Yeah, I’m thrilled that my wife was kissing some man at the park in front of our daughter!”
“She was playing…and I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.”
“So, you pushed him away, stopped him?” he asked, looking relieved.
I closed my eyes, forcing the tears back. “I…pushed him away, at first, but he wouldn’t let go.”
“I’ll have him arrested!”
“No! Parker, I pushed him away at first, but then…I kissed him back. He didn’t force me.”
He walked over to the bar and picked up what was left of his $200.00 bottle of scotch. He was calm when he said, “Do you want some?”
�
��No.”
“I thought you’d taken a liking to it. The bottle’s half gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just scotch,” he said, tossing back a shot of the aged whiskey.
“I mean about the kiss.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” he asked, swirling another shot of whiskey in his glass.
“NO!”
He looked up at me and said, “Have you slept with him?”
How do I answer that loaded question honestly? “It was just a kiss, nothing more. We didn’t plan to meet.”
“You didn’t answer my question. Have you slept with him?” He was pacing the room now. “Are you in love with him?”
“It was just a kiss! I know it was wrong. I’m sorry. When I realized what I’d done, I grabbed Shannon and ran. I swear I didn’t think she saw…us.” I was breathing hard now, worried about being able to dodge more questions.
He downed the second glass of scotch and set the glass on the bar. “So, you’ll kiss a complete stranger, but not your own husband?”
He was calm, much too calm and it worried me.
“It was just a kiss. I said I was sorry.”
“Are you?”
“I know it was wrong. I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“Are you sorry you kissed him, or are you sorry it was wrong?”
“Can we just drop it, please?”
“Were you just longing for affection? Why him? Why not me? I’m here Rebecca! I love you. Why not me?” He looked so hurt.
I felt the tears start. Parker had been there for me. He loved me, in his own way. He didn’t deserve this. “I’m s-sorry,” I said through my tears.
He walked over to me and grabbed my shoulders. “Are you seeing him again?”
“I have no plans to meet with him!”
“You said you’re not sleeping with him…”
“I’m not!”
“Do you want to?”
I didn’t answer for a moment. His question forced me to think about something I hadn’t allowed myself to face. Yes! God, how I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted him more than anything! And that thought terrified me.
My lack of an answer must have confirmed his suspicions. He took a few deep breaths and sat down on the couch.
EXONERATION (INTERFERENCE) Page 3