No wonder her family had given up on her.
“Penny for them?” Andrew asked softly.
She shivered as he rubbed his thumb absently over the top of her hand.
She sighed and wondered how much to tell him. Would he understand or would he think her stupid for the way she was feeling?
“I’m enjoying being out the in fresh air, and … ” She looked around again. “People are living and are happy. I’ve not taken much notice of the world around me the last couple of years. It’s get up, go to work. Drive home, go to sleep. Grocery shop on my first day off. The rest of the time, I’m inside the house.” Dawn looked up at him — with his sunglasses down she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Pretty pathetic, huh?”
They’d reached the café and Andrew stopped before entering the building. “No, I don’t think you’re pathetic at all.” He couldn’t say any more as someone came out. Andrew grabbed the door before it shut. “Go and grab a table and we can talk.”
Dawn saw that the booth they had sat at yesterday was free again, so she made her way and sat down. Needing something to keep her hands busy, she put away her sunglasses instead of shoving them on top of her head. She then drummed her fingers on the table, looking around. People were busy using their phones or tablets or laptops. Such an unsociable world now; perhaps she did have the right idea of keeping to herself.
“Here you go, one hot chocolate and a cherry Danish.” Andrew’s arrival put a stop to the thoughts that were swirling around her mind. She was going backwards and forwards, as if she was on a swing, seesawing the same thoughts and never coming up with a credible answer.
“Thanks.” She grabbed the hot mug of chocolate and wrapped her hands around it. She welcomed the slight burning it gave her, before she took a sip of the hot liquid.
• • •
“You had every reason to shut yourself off, Dawn.” Andrew reached over and took the mug out of her hands. He wondered if she knew how desolate and lost she looked. He wished he could take the pain from her. He was part of the reason for the hurt filling her life. What if he’d stayed, what would’ve happened to them? He didn’t know. He couldn’t know. They’d travelled the roads they were supposed to. Now those roads had linked up again. But were they joined for a long haul or a short haul? He hoped it was a long haul.
“But to completely ignore my family and friends, did I have the right to do that?”
“You did what you had to do to cope. I’m not saying it’s the same thing someone else would do, but it was what you had to do.” Andrew reached for his coffee and took a sip. When he’d asked her out, he’d never expected that they would have such a deep conversation. Perhaps it was what they needed. “You’d lost your whole life, Dawn. A less stronger person would have taken up drinking or drugs or even, as awful as it sounds, tried to take their own life to join their loved ones.”
“I almost did.” She said the words so quietly he wasn’t sure he’d heard them correctly.
“What do you mean you almost did? Did you take up drinking? I don’t believe it would be drugs, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now. They wouldn’t allow it.”
As dark as her life would’ve got, he really didn’t believe she’d take her own life. It so wasn’t her character. But then again, people did strange things when held in the strong arms of grief. And she’d had a double dose of grief.
“No, it wasn’t drugs or alcohol.” Dawn paused and looked up at him. He held his breath as he waited for her response; instinctively knowing he wasn’t going to like what she was going to say. “I came very close to taking my own life.”
Andrew sat back, shocked that the girl he knew, the one who laughed and loved life, would be willing to give it all up. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected this at all. He knew firsthand how precious life could be. He’d seen two of his crewmates lose their lives battling the ocean when she was at her fiercest. Andrew had almost kissed her arms as well. He’d somehow found some extra strength to grip onto the life preserver that had floated by him when he’d almost given up hope. That preserver had saved his life. He couldn’t understand why someone would willingly give up that right to live.
“I’ve shocked you, haven’t I?”
He ran a hand through his hair. She had been honest with him; he had to be honest with her. “Yeah, you have. I never would’ve picked you as a person who would’ve contemplated suicide. Surely you’ve seen what happens to families when someone takes their own life.”
• • •
Andrew’s words had hit a raw nerve. Dawn had never told anyone that she’d almost taken her own life. Andrew was the first person she’d bared her soul to.
“You try losing everything that is important to you. You try to live with all the sympathetic looks and hollow words everyone says to you every time they see you.” She took a deep breath. “Then you can sit there and judge me and condemn me.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I said. I just don’t understand.”
Dawn closed her eyes, transporting herself back to the weeks that had followed Tom and Brody’s deaths. How everything had been so hard. Walking. Breathing. Living. It hadn’t seemed worth it.
“Have you told anyone about this?” Andrew’s question sucked her back to the present.
“No. I don’t think anyone would understand.” She gave a dry laugh. “Even after not seeing me for years and years, your initial reaction was disgust. Imagine how my family would react if I told them.”
“They would’ve been there for you, Dawn. Why didn’t you talk to them?”
“Because I was tired of the words, I’m sorry for your loss, but time will heal the hurts,” her frustration pounded out of every word. “So after a while, being alone was a better option.”
“Can you talk about it now?”
Dawn thought about it. Could she? She’d told him one of her darkest secrets. She’d also decided that she wanted to move on with her life. Perhaps if she did share it with him, the guilt would ease. She’d already decided to spend time with him. She couldn’t do that freely if she was still holding things back.
“Maybe I can.” She looked around the crowded café and knew she didn’t want to share her inner most secret in the middle of a busy café.
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, mimicking her by looking around the cafe.
“Yeah, I think I do,” she said and grabbed her handbag. “Do you want to come to my place?”
The question was out before she could stop it. It seemed when she was around Andrew, the impulsiveness of her youth came screaming to the forefront of her actions.
“I’d like that,” he said with a smile.
Dawn nodded. “Okay, you can follow me.”
• • •
The walk back to the hospital car park to collect their cars passed in a tense silence. She knew she’d shocked Andrew with her declaration of contemplating suicide. She’d shocked herself at the time. It was something she’d never thought about before. But then her life had been fine and she’d been happy. She’d had no reason to want to end it.
“I’m parked in the visitor’s area.” Andrew’s voice broke through her thoughts. She hadn’t realized they’d made it back to her car.
“No problem. I’ll meet you on the street.”
“Dawn, you don’t have to do this,” Andrew said quietly. “We can catch up for dinner instead.”
Dawn could’ve kissed him. He was standing so close to her, his scent drifting out to her on the breeze. All she had to do was lean forward and touch her lips to his. It seemed her resolve to no more kisses was crumbling. But the hospital car park wasn’t the place, even though her heart melted a little at what he’d said. He was being so sweet, but she knew the time had come for her to admit what she’d almost
done and why she’d almost done it.
She reached out and touched his face. “No, it’s fine. As I said, the time has come to talk about it, and I’m ready.”
“Okay, just wanted to make sure you’re happy with this.” He put his hand over hers, which was still resting on his face. The warmth from his touch was comforting.
“Thank you.” Dawn fished her keys out of her bag and clicked the button to unlock it. She got in and started it up. She looked to her right and saw that Andrew was still watching her. She reversed out and as she pulled away she saw him move and head towards his car.
• • •
Dawn pulled into her driveway and brought her car to a stop. All during the drive home she’d been conscious of Andrew following behind her. She’d almost run a red light because she had kept glancing in her review mirror, looking at him. After that close call, she’d concentrated more on the road in front of her than what was on the road behind her. Very apt for her life right at this moment.
She switched off her engine and took a deep breath as she stepped out of her car. She knew that after this conversation she would definitely be closing a door in her life.
“Do you make a habit of almost running red lights?” Andrew said with a teasing smile.
She shut the door and locked her car. “Not normally. It’s a habit I try to avoid.” She took a moment before she continued. “A drunk driver ran a red light and hit Tom’s car.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry, it seems everything I say is bringing memories you probably don’t want to deal with.”
“It’s fine,” she said as she headed down the drive and to her front door. “You weren’t to know. Come on inside.”
She opened the door and let him enter before she did. After Tom’s death, she’d stayed in the house they’d bought together for a little while. But the memories had become too hard to live with, so she’d sold it and bought a smaller place. With Tom’s life insurance payout, she had no financial commitments now. It was a nice feeling, but a horrible way to get to that point in her life.
She indicated to the room to her left. “Take a seat in here; I’ll organize some drinks for us. Do you want a soda or would you like another coffee?”
Andrew walked into her living room, giving it a quick study before he turned and looked at her. “Soda’s fine. I won’t stay too long; you’ll need to get some sleep so you’ll be ready for your next shift.”
The tiredness she had managed to keep at bay crept over her. She pushed it aside. She could sleep later.
“Soda it is,” she said and headed towards the kitchen. She got a couple of cans of soda out of the fridge and made her way to the pantry where she took out a packet of cookies. She didn’t have a lot in her cupboard, so he would have to be satisfied with what she had — she didn’t entertain much.
She walked back into the room and saw that he was looking at the picture of her, Tom, and Brody. It had been taken not long after Brody’s birth and he had been sleeping like an angel in her arms. It didn’t hurt so much to look at the picture now. There was a matching one of just her holding Brody in her bedroom.
“Here you go, I brought some cookies as well in case you’re hungry. I’m afraid I don’t have anything else to offer. As you know I don’t entertain much.” She took a sip of her soda before leaning back and sighing into the couch.
Andrew followed suit and silence surrounded them like a cloak. Dawn knew she had to start telling her story. It was why they were there.
“Are you ready to hear my sordid, sorry tale?” she asked.
He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees. “It’s up to you. If you’re ready to share then I’m ready to listen. My offer still stands — if you’d prefer not to say anything, I can take my drink and go.”
“No, it’s fine.” Dawn took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She said a silent prayer that Andrew would understand why she’d done what she’d done and not judge her for it. “Okay, it was about a month after Tom and Brody had died. I had been given six weeks compassionate leave off work. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was only working part-time before the accident and I had to decide whether to go back full-time or stay part-time.”
She picked up her drink again and took another sip. “Anyway, I was getting endless calls from my mum asking if I wanted her to come over and help me sort through Tom and Brody’s things.” She looked up at him. “They’d been dead a month, only a month, and I didn’t want to say goodbye, especially not to Brody, he was my baby. My love and my life. I was struggling to go on without them in my life — why would I want to erase every existence of them from my house?” Her voice broke on the last sentence.
“I’m sure she was only trying to help,” Andrew said, like he knew she needed a moment to get her emotions under control.
“I know that now, but at the time I didn’t need anybody’s help. Or so I thought. Eventually I stopped answering the phone, I spent most of my days sitting in the rocking chair in Brody’s nursery, hugging his favorite bear and wishing it was him.”
“Did no one suggest that you should go to counseling?” Andrew asked. “I can’t believe anyone would think you’d be able to cope without any sort of help.”
Agitation at spilling her secret filled her. She stood and started pacing around the room, hoping to ease the feeling welling up inside of her. “You have to understand. I was in denial and put on a front for everyone. If they called around, which wasn’t often, I fooled them into thinking that I was fine. That I was coping and didn’t need anything or anyone. I became very good at it.”
She closed her eyes and gripped the mantle she was standing in front of. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she opened her eyes and turned to face him. “Then one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the medicine cupboard and took out the sleeping pills that were prescribed to me the night the boys died. I went into Brody’s room, sat in the rocking chair with the bottle of pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I stared at that bottle for the longest time, even going so far as to opening it and pouring some of them out.”
She jumped when she felt warm hands land on her shoulders, turning her. She then found herself in Andrew’s embrace. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder, and his hand moved up and down her back, slowly, hypnotizing her with the gentle movement.
She didn’t know how long they stood there. It could’ve been minutes. It could’ve been seconds but it was what she needed. Andrew’s hold was not judgmental at all, it was forgiving. His hold was telling her to forgive herself for her moment of weakness. She could forgive herself, when she’d finished the story. As much as it pained her to do it, she pulled herself out of his hold and went and sat back down on the couch.
“I can’t explain what happened next. But the moment I went to place the first pill in my mouth, a feeling came over me. I’m not one to believe in ghosts … ” She stopped and pulled herself out of his embrace. Needing a little space of her own she moved a couple of steps away. “But I swear, Andrew, right there in Brody’s room I felt a presence of something. I swear I was being held and hugged. I knew then I couldn’t take the easy way out. It wouldn’t be fair to Tom’s love for me and it wouldn’t be fair to Brody. Right then I found the strength to go on. I got up from that chair and flushed the pills down the toilet. Thoughts of suicide never crossing my mind again.”
Just like she had that night, Dawn felt a sense of being hugged and even though Andrew was in the room with her it wasn’t him holding her. She hugged her arms around herself, hugging the presence back. A small sense of contentment washed over her.
“So there you have it,” she said, spreading her arms wide. “My deepest, darkest secret that I’ve never told anyone about.”
“Thank you for sharing it with me. I know it can’t have been easy to do that.”
�
��No, but it’s been over two years since my world fell apart. It’s probably time I start acknowledging what I was feeling back then and facing up to the fact I’ve shut myself off from the world. I’ve taken the cheat’s way out of dealing with my grief.” It was a day for confessions.
Andrew moved closer to her again, clasping her hands with his. “No, Dawn. I don’t think you shut yourself off at all. You were grieving and people grieve in different ways. Do you know what I think?” he asked.
“That I need to admit myself for psychiatric evaluation,” she joked.
“No,” he said as he stood and pulled her back into his embrace. He looked deep into her eyes and she shivered at the emotions she saw shining in them. “I think you are an amazing woman. The choices you made have made a huge difference in people’s lives. I mean … ” He paused and winked. “Who else would work continual night shifts for the last two years?”
Dawn laughed but appreciated his words. She knew that when Sophie had taken over as Nursing Unit Manager, she’d relied on her to ensure the night shift staff performed their duties and Dawn had ensured that the emergency room had run well in the evenings. But now, was it enough? Was doing what she was doing enough to sustain her for the rest of her life?
Did she want to spend the rest of her life alone?
A yawn shook her frame. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was close to ten in the morning. She’d been up for a long time and after sharing something so emotional on top of a night shift, her bed was calling loudly to her.
“I should let you sleep,” said Andrew and he gave the top of her head a kiss. “I’ll see you before your shift. I’ve taken an extra night shift tonight myself.”
A warm glow filled her — had Andrew taken a shift in the hopes to see her more than a half an hour before she was due to start?
She pulled out of his embrace and made her way to her front door with Andrew walking alongside her. She paused before opening it and looked up at him. “Thanks again for listening and not judging. I appreciate it.”
Lovers Unmasked: The Complete Series Page 23