by a dagmara
“I think you’re being summoned, better get to her.”
“I can and should get rid of her.”
“But why would you Charlie? Certainly not for me…I don’t want you to.” And I didn’t. I had so much to work through, I was grateful for the first time in days, my mind was so preoccupied, that his presence didn’t faze me.
I walked from his stunned expression, with my almost empty fourth bottle of wine, to my room, making sure I closed my door behind me.
I sat at my bed looking out the window…I was drunk and numb…always numb…pathetic. I was actually wallowing in my own mess. I got over my head. Lord, I wish my life had been different, normal.
All the words and adjectives that had been used to describe me circled my mind…the tears continued down…
I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it felt like my heart ached for the first time in seven years…my heart ached.
The bottle now empty, I dropped it to the floor and lay down on my bed. My eyes sore and unable to produce a single tear. Lying on my side, I found myself just staring out in the dark.
I felt the bed shift…his weight came down and pulled me to him. His cologne was a dead giveaway. Charlie.
I didn’t protest. I wanted to be held…it had been so long since I had been…since I needed to be held. He pulled the covers up over us wrapping in his warmth.
“I’m here Lillian…I won’t let you go until you need me to.” He whispered behind me with conviction and kissed the back of my head. “I’m not sure what happened, but don’t move out.”
“I need to Charlie. I need to get away from…” I paused catching my words. “I just need to change some things in my life. I can’t keep going down this path. I don’t even think I want it anymore.”
“I’m not really sure what it is in your life that you feel like you need to change, but if I may, follow your instincts. If they are telling you to change your path, then there is probably a good reason for it. But, don’t run away. Running never solves anything.” He sighed. “Trust me; I know a thing or two about running away.”
“I’m not running away Charlie. I don’t run, nor do I give up. However, right now, I just want it to end. I want to be free of my past. I want normal Charlie.”
“You’re not normal Lillian, I say this in a good way. The moment I saw in the kitchen, I sensed you were so much more,” he paused and I sensed him thinking over his words. “You are amazing, strong and confident. You have me guessing, not many have me doing that. You scare me.” His last statement, his confession, had me hold my breath.
“You scare me too.” I sighed. “But, I just can’t go there, not with you.” I whispered.
I could feel his body tense a bit. “What is it that prevents you? Why are you holding back?”
“If you, if only I could tell you…” I closed my eyes and my heart sped up. Shit, I’m drunk and I can’t open up to him. If understood who I was he wouldn’t be holding me like a man in love. “I’m not good for you Charlie, too much baggage.” I sighed.
“I could say the same about myself Lillian. I understand baggage, and secrets I have a shit load. But tonight, it doesn’t matter to me; I don’t care about your past.”
I turned into Charlie wrapping my arm around him. He kissed my forehead long and hard. I raised my eyes meeting his.
I trembled and my breath hitched. His eyes wide, appraising, his hand rubbing at my jaw just to pause under my chin. I lifted it up to him on my own.
“Are you sure?” he breathed in shock.
I raised my lips slow and gently to his. Trembling, I knew I shouldn’t allow this…but I want to …I needed to…It didn’t matter that it was him…I just needed to feel. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. I grazed his lips with mine, panic threatened as my body shuddered in fear. My resolve was greater then the fear. Opening my eyes, I felt trapped in his. The light from the street was just enough that I could see his.
His lips took charge of mine and consumed me. His kiss started slow then turned urgent, as if he needed it as much as I did. And I needed. I needed him tonight. The need was so different and foreign.
It was a hunger that I had not afforded myself…a drug and I wanted more. I let go.
Our bodies moved along the others in a rhythm all our own…there was no struggle for control it was a give and take equally matched.
Stripping the clothes off our bodies…we were entering uncharted territory for both of us. This was no longer fucking…I could feel the tremble release thru him as he held me up facing me, we were holding on to each other my legs wrapped around him as he lifted me over his erection…He paused, his eyes lost and searching deeply into mine. Geez, this was more than I had anticipated. My heart ached and the tremble had me shaking. His hands, sensing my doubt and fear, rubbed my back, holding me securely, the way a man holds a woman, when he’s in love. Oh my god, could this me love? The way he looked at me, had me thinking it might be. His lips on mine had me.
Damn, I had no control with him. I wanted him to consume me, all of me. I knew this was a lie, as he had no clue, who I was, yet I knew him. I knew who he really was. I knew who he was to me. Enemy and fantasy wrapped up into one.
“I never had sex with that woman Lillian…I sent her home...” his word weren’t necessary. I reached down between our bodies, his erected cock, was firm, hard and waiting. Lifting myself around his waist, I poised him at my aching entranced and dropped down slowly, easing him in. Throwing my head back in ecstasy, he was what my body and soul craved. Taking him completely, I reached around his neck pulling him tight for support. His heart pounded hard against my chest.
I cupped his face and urgently kissed him easing my body down to his taking him in.
My tears fell down and within seconds, I met my climax…but this was unlike any climax…this was different …it was freeing and cathartic…and what I had denied for so long.
He wasn’t fucking me…he was actually making love to me and I knew the difference…
“Fuck, Lillian, you feel like heaven.” He rasped in my ear.
“Charlie,” I moaned in ecstasy, I wanted him to call me by my real name. Crap! He was the first person, I ever wanted to hear to my first name screamed out in pleasure. I was lost in him. The walls I had built were falling in a quick mess of ruble. Each thrust, each claim of my mouth, had me undone. My climax, deep and reverent clamped hard around him; freeing. My control with him, willingly abandoned just for him. This was so new to me. The thunder of my heart had me completely undone in this moment with him. There was no pull to run away, to hide from him. I lost myself in him. My body, now his to control I was conceding for now. Moving up and down his cock, my arms gripped around his shoulders for support as his hands dug into the sides of my hips, bruising them with his hold.
Adjusting he lowered me down to the bed, as his movements increased and his body trembled. Pressing his body hard into mine, I felt trapped and secure. He consumed every part of me. My body withered in pleasure under his. The tempo increased and his cock buried to the hilt. The harder he thrusted, the deeper I felt him.
I knew tomorrow would come and my resolve would return, but for one night, I wanted to lose myself in my feelings, I wanted to lose myself in him.
My enemy, my fantasy.
I was screwed. I knew it, but abandoned all the doubt and fear, giving way to a new feeling of freedom. For tonight, I was his completely. I was willing.
That, scared the shit out of me, but enthralled me at the same time.
We went on, until the morning, entered the room. Finally, I was fully sated and sleep was calling us both. Dropping into each other, we found sleep, and I found peace.
I knew I shouldn’t have walked this path…my body covered in his weight; I felt a peace I hadn’t experience in seven years. The sudden flicker of my heart had me tense in fear. Running my hand down his back, I so could lose myself in him. Perhaps I had already. This wasn’t good. I knew who he was and what he could do to m
e.
Breathing in deeply, I needed to center myself. He would be the death of me. He would break me in a way that no man ever could. He had that power. The fear spiked and my body stiffened. I needed to move him off me.
My cell phone was buzzing. Looking to the clock, Shit, it was 10am, double shit, it’s Sunday.
I should have been tired but oddly, I wasn’t. I pulled from the bed, and stood to walk to the bathroom. I couldn’t help myself as I appraised a very sleep induced Charlie in my bed. The grin on my face, was a bit unexpected…He was a beautiful man and a mirror image of me. But then again…he couldn’t be. I knew I had fallen hard. Dear lord help me.
What had happened last night didn’t change anything. He was still trapped in his past. I simply played on his mind, reminding him of her. I couldn’t afford more of this. Someone would be hurt and it was no doubt that it would be me. Hell, I was already hurt, more than I realized. Reality had me regaining the sense that my actions were reckless. I let him in. When the truth finally comes knocking, shit, it’s going to be bad.
Chapter 9
What had happened last night was more than enough for me. It had to be. I needed to let him and last night go. I couldn’t afford to allow my heart into this. I understood who and what Charlie was. He was someone that in the end would and most definably will hurt me. Yes, I knew precisely who he was. The Gamble was great and I played, I was all in before I realized it. Stupid!
Shaking my head, I walked to the bathroom and turned the shower on.
Leaning of over the counter, I brushed my teeth then climbed into the shower. There was so much running thru my mind. My job, Sam the apartment…a lot of loose ends that need attention. Therefore, it was good, I was meeting my nana…every Sunday, I met her for Sunday mass. It was a drive up north. It was as if I was driving home.
I stepped from the shower drying off, and put my robe on.
I was quick to pull my hair back into a braid and put my makeup on, just enough not to look over done. I looked at myself and for the first time all weekend I looked like me…the girl I was. If only I could be her again. Now that was a fantasy.
I walked out and to the closet pulling a pair of stone colored slacks and a purple polo button down, belt and heels.
Back to the room, I appraised the bed and Charlie was no longer there.
I went to the dresser and pulled out my cross. It once belonged to my mother.
It was simple on a white gold chain and made from small diamonds. My mind almost went back there had it not been for the phone call.
“Hi Nana, I’m leaving shortly I’ll be there on time.”
“Oh good…I made your favorite today, I think after mass you should come spend brunch with your Nana, I missed you this week.”
“Of course I’ll be over for brunch Nana, when have I not come over after mass?”
“I know Lilly…for some reason I have had an awful feeling that’s been festering…I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too Nana…I’ll see you soon”
“I love you Lilly.”
“Love you to Nana!” I hung up the phone and reached for my clutch having to change purse.
I paused, hearing Charlie on the phone. I couldn’t help ease drop on his conversation.
“This is done….I withdraw this wager.” His tone was firm and even a bit shrewd. The anger and determination was so evident in his tone. Who the hell was he talking too? Damn he sounded pissed.
“Yes I do!” He barked.
“What don’t you understand…the whole thing has changed…this is wrong and you bloody know it. When have we ever allowed to be misled like this?” Charlie again in a stern voice added.
It was clear he was having an argument with someone.
I stepped from the room, and his eyes landed on me watching every move. I opened the fridge and grabbed water. Turning back to him, I smiled. He tried to smile back, but it was clear he was too annoyed with the conversation.
“Give me a minute.” he spoke to whoever was on the other end.
“Where are you going Lillian?” though he tried to ask politely, it came off a bit controlling.
“Church…It’s Sunday and I’m Catholic.”
He looked at me somewhat stunned, and then his eyes dropped to the cross around my neck.
“You look lovely Lillian.” He smiled at me with a warmth that hit me hard.
“Thank you I think?”
“Will you be gone long?” again in the same tone.
“Yes, I meet my nana for a brunch every Sunday…so I’ll be back after she stuffs me full of her cooking.”
I smiled and grabbed my keys off the counter. Turning, I walked from the kitchen to the front hall.
He was quick and put his cell down. Pulling me into his arms, he forced a kiss on my lips, and I gave in; the tremble ever present for this was new to me.
Pulling from my lips, he looked down at me.
“I’m sorry Lillian, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”
“It’s ok Charlie…” I was still trembling “It’s ok…this is just new for me.”
“Can we do dinner tonight?” his eyes spoke volumes…something had changed, but what?
“I’m not sure I’ll have any room, but can I think about it?” I smiled innocently hoping to keep him from assuming I was rejecting him.
“So that’s a maybe?” he grinned.
“Maybe” I smiled and watched him pick up the phone.
Turning, I shook my head and walked from the apartment.
Down to the garage and into my car. I pulled out and into the streets of down town. Making my way to President’s St. then I83 North. Yes, out to the county.
After about 15 minutes, I was finally in Baltimore county and the interstate now only two lanes. This was part of the drive I loved.
Northern Baltimore county was breath taking the trees still green and lush the drive us very windy up and down hills…It was just a peace of heaven to drive thru. I pulled off one exit early realizing I needed gas. Off the beltway, the Exxon station was just off the ramp. Hereford…this is where I had grown up…my high school just down the way. I pulled in and pumped the gas.
Returning to my car, I decided I was going to take York road the rest of the way up. Sitting at the light just at the center of Hereford, I let my windows all down…It wasn’t hot and the temp at 70 was ideal as this drive. My music, setting the tone for my mind; I felt free and happy.
The light changed, and I made my left onto York road. The church would only be about 4 miles, if that from here. I chose to drive this way, so that I could pass by my old High School…
They had made so many improvements, as I passed by it slow. I liked allowing for trips down memory lane, when life was so easy and carefree. I missed that life.
Shaking my head, how did I change so much?
Sensing I didn’t have much time, I increased my speed. Up and down the windy road, I came around the sharp turn by the little falls and my brakes felt odd…No worries they worked, but normally they were so much more sensitive.
It had to be these heels getting in the way.
Moments later, I made a left and another immediate left into the church parking lot.
Parking, I stepped from the car and like the others already walking, I stepped into the church locating my Nana. Her white hair pulled up in a high ponytail, she reminded me so much of my father. She resonated so much class. She was about 5’8 and slender. She looked nothing like most grandmothers; she was the essence of elegance in my opinion. I loved her and her no hold bars attitude. She was the picture perfect reflection of what old money was, class and pure elegance.
I knelt down and made the sign of the cross before sliding into the bench. I kissed her on the cheek.
“Hi Nana.” I whispered still smiling.
“Lilly, you look beautiful as always.” She offered a sincere kiss to my cheek.
I smiled to her waiting for her next comment. I knew what was coming.
“Does your shirt not button up higher?” She raised a brow looking to me.
“Nana…please…my breast are covered. Mrs. Peterson has more cleavage hanging out.” I gestured over to the older woman sitting in front of us.
Mrs. Peterson turned and nodded to Nana then to me. I really didn’t give a shit if she heard my comment about her shirt.
“Good morning Elizabeth.” She smiled to me. “So when will you let me introduce you to my grandson?” Her very pressured looked bore in to me and annoyed me. She was a persistent one.
“Good Morning Mrs. Peterson.” I tried to avoid her constant invitation to set me up.
“Are you dating anyone?” she asked urgently. Geez, this woman just didn’t give it up.
“No Mrs. Peterson. I don’t have the time to date.” I did my best to hide my annoyance.
“I suppose not. A young woman such as you shouldn’t be doing a man’s work. Your nana tells me you’ve really brought your father’s company back from ruins.” Her voice was laced in distain. Clearly, this woman was caught in the middle ages, when a woman had no value beyond being a wife.
“Nana talks too much. The company was never in ruins Mrs. Peterson. Moreover, I don’t run things. I’ve simply helped guide it into the present.” Looking at her, this woman perhaps knew too much or suspected the truth.
“Lilly is doing a fine job Patricia…and I think it honorable of her to step into Henry’s shoes. She is very much like her father.”
Mrs. Peterson raised an eyebrow and smiled “I suppose you are right.” I wanted to scream that this was the twenty first century at her.
“Elizabeth…does everyone call you by your middle name these days? I prefer your first name.” of course you would.
I pulled my lips tight, “Yes most do call me by my middle and I do prefer it.” Why the hell do I find myself explaining myself every Sunday to this old witch?
Nana jumped in, “Ally always called her by her middle name Patricia it was easier for her to pronounce and her preference is to be called by her middle is her choice and not what others should concern themselves with.” Nana looked to me and winked, reminding me of my father.