They stumbled backward so that Carrie was resting against her desk. As the kiss continued, Ash allowed her hands to wander, slipping beneath Carrie’s sweater. They both gasped as her fingertips touched bare skin. Ash knew she’d crossed a line and could no longer stop herself. The attraction between them was too strong to deny any longer. She lifted Carrie onto her desk and began to kiss along her neck. Somewhere in the distance she could hear doors opening and closing, people talking and moving around. She was aware that the noises were getting louder, but that made no impact as she worked her way from Carrie’s earlobes to the hollow at the base of her neck.
“Ash,” Carrie panted.
Ash moaned at the sound of her name on Carrie’s lips.
“We have to stop,” Carrie said between heavy breaths.
The words failed to register fully in Ash’s mind. Carrie’s arms were still wrapped around her and her fingers were tangled in Ash’s hair.
“I have a class,” Carrie tried to explain as she once again captured Ash’s mouth in her own.
“Cancel it,” Ash mumbled.
Carrie broke away slightly. “We can’t do this.”
“Yes, we can.”
They kissed again, slipping back into each other’s embrace.
“It’s too complicated,” Carrie protested weakly.
“It doesn’t have to be,” Ash said. “It could be so easy.”
Carrie pushed her gently away. “You don’t get it, do you?”
Ash looked at her for the first time since they had started kissing. Her hair was tousled, her face flushed, her lips red and swollen. She was absolutely irresistible. “All I get right now is how much I want you.”
Carrie sighed. “If someone came looking for me right now and saw this, it could end my career.”
Ash leaned in again. “If you give me a chance, I promise I’ll make you completely forget about tenure.”
Carrie slid off the desk and stepped to one side, breaking all contact between them. “I know you would. You almost did.” She picked up her satchel and headed for the door, stopping to look at Ash for another second before shaking her head. “I just can’t let that happen.”
Chapter Twelve
The bookcases began to come together before her very eyes. Ash threw herself into her work, making twice her normal progress in half the time. She didn’t know whether to be mad at Carrie for slamming on the brakes or at herself for letting things get that far in the first place. She didn’t know what to make of a kiss that had almost brought her to her knees. She didn’t know whether she wanted to run after Carrie or run away from feelings that were scaring her to death.
On the other hand, she did know how to sand the boards so they fit together tightly. She knew how to drive a nail so it was perfectly flush with the wood, and she knew how to set a rhythm and stay with it so her muscles worked on autopilot. Her work was not complicated to her; it was steady and fulfilling. Ash liked the way everything had its place, and that if she only did what others had done for centuries before her, she would get the same satisfying rewards.
She put the finishing touches on the woodwork and started brushing the varnish steadily over the bookcase. She had no idea how long she had been working when she heard the door open behind her.
“Carrie?” she murmured.
“I can be whoever you want me to be” was the rude awakening from Tess, who stood smugly in the doorway with a backpack slung loosely over her shoulder. She wore a pair of navy blue dress slacks with a yellow Our Lady of Mercy High School polo that showed her midriff.
Ash groaned. Just when she thought the situation couldn’t get any worse. “Don’t you have a home to go to?” she asked through gritted teeth.
“No, but we could use your place.” Tess batted her eyelashes.
“Go to hell.”
Tess flopped down into Carrie’s chair like she owned the office. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m building bookcases, what does it look like?”
“It looks like you were waiting on the edge of your seat for Carrie to come back from her classes.”
Ash ran her hand distractedly through her hair. Was she that obvious? “Tess, I’m really not in the mood for this right now. I can go somewhere else. How long are you going to be here?”
“Until Carrie gets done with her classes. She takes me to catechism on Wednesday nights.” Tess laughed sarcastically. “Want to hear sick humor? I spend all day at a Catholic school and then the one chance I get to be around another dyke is on my way to catechism.”
“You? A Catholic?” Ash let herself chuckle at the thought. First Betty, now Tess. Ash thought that some members of her own family would faint at the notion of liberals and lesbians at mass.
“No.” Tess spun the chair around so she was facing Ash. “I’m not Catholic. My mother is Catholic. I am Teresa Maria Donnelly, her dyke of a daughter, who needs to go to church seventeen times a week so I don’t rot in hell.”
Taken aback by the force of Tess’s anger, Ash raised her hands in surrender. “Hey, kid, I’m sorry.”
“You’re not sorry, and I’m not a kid!” Tess stood up, grabbing her bag.
“Where are you going?”
“What the hell do you care?” With that Tess slammed past Ash, knocking her off balance long enough to get past.
Infuriated, Ash spun around and got a firm grip on the girl’s upper arm, just under her shoulder. “What is wrong with you!”
“Fuck.” Tess winced sharply and jerked away, clutching her shoulder as if Ash had stabbed her.
The reaction didn’t seem phony. Ash reached for her, this time more carefully. “What’s wrong? I barely touched you.”
“Just leave me alone,” Tess snapped.
Even as she spoke, Ash caught a glimpse of a nasty, deep purple and blue bruise high on her arm. A shiver ran up her spine. “I didn’t do that.”
“No shit.”
“Let me see it, please.” Ash took a closer look at what she could now make out as four separate bruises that had bled together, ringed in yellow and about finger-width apart. The marks had obviously been made when someone clutched Tess violently. Ash steadied herself and spoke slowly in attempt to keep her voice level. “Who did this?”
“I fell.”
Ash touched Tess’s other arm, pushing up her sleeve to reveal identical bruises on that shoulder. She fought against the mental image of how the bruises were inflicted. Subconsciously rubbing her own arms, she said, “Tess, I know what this is. Let me help you.”
Ash felt sick to her stomach. She was trying to decide what to do when Carrie appeared in the doorway.
“Come on, Tess, we’re running late” was all she said, without stepping fully inside and not even looking at Ash.
Tess didn’t move. Anger blazed in her eyes and Ash knew she was being challenged. If she told Carrie, she would lose Tess’s trust, if there was any. But if she kept her mouth shut, she risked Tess having to go through more than she already had.
Obviously sensing the tension between the two of them, Carrie rolled her eyes. “You two can’t even be in the same room with each other, can you?”
Neither Ash nor Tess responded.
“Fine, it’ll never happen again. I’m over it.” Carrie sighed heavily. “Tess, let’s go. Ash, just lock the door behind you when you leave.”
“Carrie, wait. We need to talk.” Ash realized she sounded pathetic.
“I’m sorry, but we’re running late, and there’s really nothing to talk about.” The words sounded so detached.
Ash fumbled in her jeans pockets, pulling out her wallet and pushing another one of her business cards into Carrie’s hand. “Please, just call me tonight, okay?”
Tess gave Ash a look that could have killed but said nothing.
“I’m going to be busy.” Carrie headed through the door.
“It’s important,” Ash called after her.
“We’ll see,” Carrie said as she walked away.
&
nbsp; *
Tess was silent most of the way to catechism. She usually sulked when headed for anything church related, but today she seemed resigned to attending. Quite frankly, Carrie was relieved. She wasn’t in the mood to argue.
When she pulled into the parking lot of the church, she tried to force a smile. “Have a good class, Tess. Your mom will pick you up at seven.”
“Don’t call Ash,” Tess said as she exited the car.
“What?” Carried tried to process the non sequitur.
“Just don’t call Ash tonight,” Tess repeated.
Carrie shook her head at the animosity she heard. Whatever Tess and Ash had been bickering about this time, the girl was still carrying it around with her. “Tess, just let it go.”
“Fine.” Tess shut the door and stalked off toward the church.
Carrie pulled out of the parking lot and headed home. Tess and Ash’s argument was of little consequence to her now. Ash was obviously not role-model material. She’d made that clear time and time again. She had little regard for anything other than her own libido, and the list of character flaws didn’t end there. She’d shown no respect for Carrie’s wishes, and despite knowing how important Carrie’s career was to her, she was willing to risk everything just to get laid. But then again, Ash wouldn’t really be risking anything at all. Carrie would assume all the risk; she would be the one putting her reputation on the line. She was the one who would be heartbroken when she woke up alone and had to get used to being nothing but a one-night stand to a woman she had feelings for. Ash, however, could walk away and never think of her again.
When she thought about it in those terms, Carrie couldn’t believe how easily she’d succumbed. She knew it was wrong to let her guard down, but Ash’s charm was too strong for her to resist. Even after showering and changing clothes, she could still feel Ash’s hands on her skin and hear her voice echoing through her ears. She’d been so lost in the moment that she’d almost allowed Ash to take her right there on her desk. She had crossed a line, and that scared her. She still wasn’t sure how she had mustered the strength to stop, but she was certain of one thing. If they got that close again, she wouldn’t be able to control herself.
No matter what she did around the house, she couldn’t focus on anything but Ash. Images filled her mind, sweet moments, like those shared in Mary’s kitchen, fused with memories of passionate embraces. The recollections of arguments and Ash’s maddening disregard for the consequences did little to cool her down. Even seeing her with another woman at the bar hadn’t cured the infatuation. What was it going to take to get her life back under control?
Carrie stood suddenly. Grabbing her car keys, she headed for the door. She wasn’t going to be able to will Ash out of her mind or simply ignore the attraction. But she could think of one way to get Ash out of her system, one sure-fire way to make certain she walked out of her life for good. Carrie had been fighting her fascination for Ash long enough, and she was obviously losing. It was time to put an end to it right now, consequences be damned. Each moment spent with Ash carried greater risk than the one before. Sooner or later they would be found out, and when word got back to the dean, Carrie would lose everything she had worked so hard for. She had to get a grip on the situation, and fast. At least if she was the one who made the rules now, she would be able to end the relationship on her terms.
Chapter Thirteen
Ash didn’t even finish staining the last few sections of the bookcases before calling it a day. She was entirely too distracted to keep working. Her head ached and she couldn’t shake the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. As she drove home, her mind wandered through the events of the day. She couldn’t help but feel that things had been in a downward spiral for the past two weeks. She could barely remember how she’d gotten involved with the whole mess in the first place. If only Mary hadn’t talked her into a night at the youth center.
She wished Mary was at home, but recalled that she was at an educators’ conference and wouldn’t be home tonight until very late. Ash would have to handle everything on her own. By the time she turned onto her block, she had made up her mind to tell Carrie about Tess’s bruises. She knew Tess would hate her, but if she was able to get out of a bad situation at home she would be better off in the long run. Maybe Carrie could even take her in.
As soon as the thought formed in her mind, Ash rejected it. If Tess was under Carrie’s permanent care that would end any chance Ash had of winning Carrie over. She tried to convince herself that her life would be a whole lot easier without Carrie or Tess in it, but she knew her resolve would not be as strong if she were standing in Carrie’s office. Her heart picked up speed as she had a momentary flashback of the two of them in each other’s arms.
Ash shook away the image and began to climb the outside stairs to her loft. She’d only made it about halfway when she saw Carrie on the landing in front of her door, looking down at her. Ash had to fight to keep her composure. Her legs were weak as she took the final steps. Carrie was wearing blue jeans and a long-sleeved gray T-shirt. She looked wonderful in even the most mundane clothes.
“I don’t know what to say,” Ash blurted out. Her charms had failed her every time she’d been around Carrie. Why should this time be any different?
“Can we go inside?” Carrie asked.
“Sure. I mean, of course.” Ash bumbled around and found her keys, then opened the door. “How did you know where I live?”
“You’ve given me several business cards. Your home address is the same as your work address.” Carrie stepped inside, looking around the loft, the entirety of which could be seen from the doorway.
Ash followed her gaze to the kitchen directly to the right. A bar divided it from the living space, which Ash had set up as a workspace. Beyond that was Ash’s bed, which was really just a mattress and box spring on the floor. She’d been meaning to make a real frame with a headboard but hadn’t gotten around to it. In the far back corner was the only enclosure in the entire space. It housed a sink, a shower, and a washer/dryer combo.
The windows across the back wall looked out over the older area of downtown and had a view of several brick buildings. Ash had never really wondered what the place would look like to someone else since she rarely brought women home with her, but she now found herself wishing she kept it a little cleaner. She didn’t know why, but she worried that Carrie would see it for the bachelor pad it was.
Carrie walked around, stepping over the spare parts and tools that were strewn around to a table Ash had built in the center of the room. She picked up one of the framed pictures Ash kept there and smiled. “This is you and Mary.”
“Yeah.” Ash smiled back. “That was right after we met.”
“How long ago was that?”
“I guess it’s been over ten years now.” Sometimes it seemed like yesterday. Other times Ash felt that she’d somehow stayed as she was, but Mary had moved on.
“You look so young.”
“We were. Would you like a drink?” Ash asked. “I’ve only got water and beer.”
“Water would be great.” Carrie continued to study the picture as Ash opened a bottle of water and carried it to over to her.
“It’s hard to believe, really. I was only a little older than Tess is now when that was taken.”
Carrie set the picture down and stared into Ash’s eyes. “Let’s not talk about Tess right now.”
“Carrie…” Ash couldn’t find the right words to start the conversation she was dreading.
Carrie took a few steps. Ash felt her heart beat faster as she followed her line of sight right to the bed. Carrie turned and looked at her. “You can’t keep doing this to me.”
“Doing what?” Ash’s voice cracked on the words.
“Toying with me,” Carrie answered flatly.
“Is that what you think I’m doing?” Ash was a little hurt that Carrie thought so poorly of her.
“What else am I supposed to think? You sweep in, all charm
ing, acting so cute, and then when you get my guard down, you show up looking so sexy in your jeans and tight T-shirts with your muscles flexing and making a show of how good you are with your hands.”
Ash was astonished and more than a little flattered. “I’ve been a bumbling idiot every time I’ve seen you, and you’re the one dressed to the nines all the time. I’m sweaty and covered in sawdust. Just look at me.”
“I am looking at you,” Carrie replied. “I can’t stop looking at you, or thinking about you, and it’s not good for me. I am usually stronger than this, but you’ve gotten under my skin. I can’t fight it anymore. You win.”
“Carrie, I’m not trying to win anything.” Ash’s head spun as she struggled to understand yet another turn of events. “I want to do what’s right for once.”
“And for once I just want to do what I want.” With that Carrie pulled Ash in and kissed her, a deep, passionate kiss that picked up where they had left off earlier.
Ash was caught off guard, but her instincts kicked in and she wrapped her arms around Carrie’s waist, holding her closely. For just one fleeting moment, she questioned the wisdom of what they were doing. She needed to tell Carrie about Tess, but before she could finish her thought, Carrie slid Ash’s tattered jacket off her shoulders and began tugging the T-shirt from her jeans.
Ash let out a moan. She wanted Carrie too badly to stop. Her lack of control was terrifying, but the feel of Carrie’s hands running across the skin on her back was more than she could take. Any remaining doubts disappeared completely as her shirt dropped to the floor, exposing her from the waist up. When their eyes met, Ash saw the desire she’d suspected, and hoped, Carrie was hiding from her. She wondered if Carrie could see the same in her.
Gently, she ran her hands under Carrie’s shirt and up the slender curves she’d admired from the first time she saw her. As the shirt came off, she took in the soft skin before kissing Carrie’s neck and shoulders, breathing in her intoxicating scent. She reached around and deftly flipped the hooks on the back of her bra while sliding the straps from her shoulders. As the bra fell to the floor, Ash cupped the back of Carrie’s head in her hand and laid her down softly on the bed.
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