by Linda Green
It started to rain. I saw other children hurriedly leaving the playground, mums and dads gathering up belongings and making a dash for it. Matilda was sheltering under the big slide.
‘Mummy!’ she called. ‘We’ve been waiting for ages.’
‘I know, I’m sorry, love,’ I said, crouching down to give her a hug. ‘There was a long queue.’
I smiled at Chris. One of those overly enthusiastic smiles people do when they’re trying hard to pretend that everything’s OK.
‘Right,’ I said. ‘Shall we make a move, then?’
He nodded.
We made a dash for the car. And with every step the knot in my stomach got a little tighter.
* * *
We were having tea when Josh got home. He’d texted earlier to let me know not to bother doing anything for him as he’d already eaten. He had always been good like that. Very considerate. Only, of course, this time I didn’t feel inclined to tell him so.
‘Hi,’ he said, strolling into the kitchen and pinching a pasta tube from Matilda’s bowl.
‘Hey,’ she said, ‘that was mine.’
‘You should have eaten it quicker, then. Instead of talking so much.’
He said it with a smile on his face and an accompanying jovial nudge with the elbow. Matilda pulled a face at him, but essentially he’d got away with it.
‘Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know. What are you having for pudding?’
Normally I would have laughed at his cheek. But at that moment I couldn’t find it within myself.
‘Banana and blueberry pancakes,’ shouted Matilda.
‘Wow! What’s the special occasion?’
‘I’ve just got a lot of eggs to use up,’ I said.
‘Maybe just a small one, then,’ he replied.
‘How’s Caitlin?’ asked Chris.
‘Yeah, good,’ said Josh.
He said it without hesitation. Without blinking, even. I’d always thought he was a rubbish liar. Maybe he was improving with practice.
‘When is she going to teach me the violin?’ asked Matilda.
‘After her exams, like I explained,’ I said. ‘Caitlin and Josh are both going to be very busy until then.’
‘They’re not too busy to go out together,’ said Matilda.
She was sharp, way too sharp for an eight-year-old, really. I dreaded to think what she’d be like by the time she was thirteen.
‘No, and it’s important that they have some time off. But Caitlin’s got her violin practice and her revision to do too.’
‘Don’t worry, she hasn’t forgotten you,’ said Josh. ‘Weirdly, she’s looking forward to it. You’re going to be her first pupil.’
Matilda’s face flushed with pride.
‘Just make sure you don’t split up with her in the meantime,’ said Chris. ‘Violin lessons cost a fortune.’
Josh gave him a look.
‘Aren’t you going to pay her?’ asked Matilda.
‘Daddy was joking,’ I said. ‘Of course we’ll pay her.’
‘She won’t accept it,’ said Josh, who was warming himself with his back to the Aga.
‘Well, we can at least offer,’ I said. ‘And if she turns it down, we’ll find some other way to say thank you. Maybe your dad could take a portrait of her.’
Josh turned his nose up.
‘What?’ said Chris.
‘Bit weird, my dad taking photos of my girlfriend.’
‘Jeez, what do you take me for?’ asked Chris.
‘Just saying. The whole “Would you like to come to my photographic studio?” thing sounds a bit suspect.’
‘Says he who hasn’t set foot in it for as long as I can remember.’
‘Why would I want to hang out there?’
‘I told you, there’s a Saturday job going, if you fancy it.’
‘No, thanks.’
‘Why not? It’s good money. I’m sure it would come in handy.’
‘Saturday’s not a good day for me,’ said Josh. ‘I’ve got stuff on.’
‘You mean Caitlin?’
I glanced up at Josh, wondering if he did mean Caitlin. Or whether it was more Lydia who was on his mind.
‘Yeah.’
The colour in his cheeks had deepened a fraction. And I suspected it wasn’t from standing in front of the Aga.
‘She’ll still be around at five o’clock, won’t she?’
‘That’s not really the point.’
‘So what is the point?’
‘I don’t fancy it, that’s all.’
‘Didn’t you say Tom’s got a Saturday job?’
‘Yeah, collecting glasses.’
‘There you go, then. You’ll be complaining you haven’t got as much money as him soon.’
Josh shrugged. ‘Whatever.’
‘When are we going to have pancakes?’ sighed Matilda.
I hadn’t even noticed she’d finished. ‘Now,’ I said. ‘Let’s get them started.’
Josh moved out of the way of the Aga. I caught his eye as he did so. He hated lying. He always had.
* * *
I used the sound of the running bath taps as cover. It was one of the downsides about an old house, the pipes were so narrow that filling the bath was a project you had to plan ahead for, not something you did on a whim.
I crept past Matilda’s room and hesitated before I knocked on Josh’s door. The ostrich position, while not universally acclaimed, was at least a safe one.
I was about to throw a hand grenade into Josh’s room. I wasn’t entirely sure what the fallout would be. Whether our relationship could survive unscathed or would forever bear the scars.
I knocked.
‘Yeah?’
I went in. He was sitting on the bed, his legs out, his back propped up against the wall. I think he knew straight away. There was something about his demeanour which said ‘rumbled’. There was no point in doing anything but coming straight out with it.
‘I saw Caitlin in town today.’
Josh looked up at the ceiling. ‘Oh,’ he said.
‘I’m not going to have a go at you for lying to us. But I do expect you to have the decency to tell me what’s going on without us having to play any silly games.’
He nodded slowly, still averting his gaze from mine. ‘Mum’s back in Hebden,’ he said.
‘Right. And I take it you’ve been seeing her?’
‘Only today. It was the first time. We’ve just texted and that before. She’s really sorry about what happened. She wants us to start over again.’
I nodded.
Josh had the expression of someone who’d been waiting for a bomb to go off and was surprised that it hadn’t detonated.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
‘Why d’you think?’
‘You could have told me. We could have discussed it together.’
‘Yeah, but you’d have told Dad.’
‘I keep things confidential for a living, remember. If it’s what the person involved wants.’
‘I wanted to do things my way this time,’ said Josh. ‘And I figured it was better that none of you knew.’
‘And what if she messes you about again?’
‘I can handle it, Ali. I can deal with her. Anyway, she’s better now.’
‘What do you mean, better?’
‘She hasn’t had a drink since Christmas Day.’
‘And you believe that, do you?’
‘Yeah. I do, actually.’
I nodded. It was so hard. I didn’t want to cast doubt on his mother’s honesty, but at the same time I wanted to protect him.
‘The thing is, Josh,’ I said, ‘people can be on the wagon for a long time but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to fall off at some point. If she has got an alcohol problem she may well need professional help.’
‘Are you saying my mum’s an alcoholic?’
‘I’m suggesting you keep a close eye on her. And talk t
o me if you think she’s started drinking again.’
Josh looked down at his hands. ‘Are you going to tell Dad?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. I probably should do.’
‘But it’s not a problem. I’m not going to bring her here. I don’t expect any of you to have anything to do with her. I’m keeping it all separate from home.’
‘I know, love, and I appreciate that you’ve obviously put a lot of thought into how to handle this. But you’re still part of this family. And if she hurts you, she therefore hurts all of us.’
‘What’s the worst she can do?’ asked Josh. ‘Disappear again? If it happens again, I’ll deal with it. I’m giving her one last chance. I figure she deserves that.’ His voice was shaking as he finished.
‘How often are you planning to see her?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know. We’re going to take it slowly, see how things go.’
‘What does Caitlin think?’ I asked.
‘She’s cool about me seeing her. Family’s important to her too. She gets it.’
‘And have you told her the background. About what happened?’
‘Yeah,’ said Josh. ‘She knows Mum left when I was little, and that there was a big scene at Christmas after she came back.’
‘That’s good,’ I said. ‘I’m glad you can talk to her about stuff like that. Difficult stuff.’
‘I’m not going to let anything spoil what I’ve got with Caitlin, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
‘Good,’ I said. ‘Because I think she’s really special.’
Josh smiled. ‘So do I. And the thing is,’ he continued, ‘if you tell Dad now, it’ll all blow up into a massive thing again, and I don’t need that. I’m supposed to be revising for my GCSEs. I just want to be allowed to get on with my life the way I want to. That’s all I’m asking.’
I sighed. You couldn’t fail to be impressed by his maturity. And he had a point. Everything was good, everything was fine. Did I really want to be the one who upset all of that at such a critical point in his life?
‘I tell you what,’ I said. ‘There are going to be two conditions. One is that you don’t lie to me about what’s going on. If there’s a problem, I want to know about it. If the whole situation feels like it’s getting out of hand, or if Lydia starts drinking or messing you around again, you tell me straight away.’
Josh nodded.
‘And I want you to agree that, if Lydia’s still around after your exams and you still want to carry on seeing her, you talk to Dad about it then. I’m not at all comfortable about keeping this from him, and I’m only going to do it until that point.’
Josh nodded again, a broad smile on his face. ‘Thanks, Ali,’ he said, ‘for not kicking off, like.’
I smiled. ‘Right. Well, I’d better check on my bath. But remember what I said. Keep talking to me, OK?’
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘I won’t let you down.’
I’d never for a minute thought that he would do. It was Lydia I wasn’t so sure about.
He found me self-harming. I told him I did it because I was so unhappy, because he made me feel like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe, because it was the only way to get him to see my pain.
He just shrugged and walked out of the room.
18
‘So are you just going to your mum’s flat this evening?’ I asked.
We were in the kitchen together. Matilda had gone round to Sophie’s for tea after school. And the one good thing about the agreement I had with Josh was that I was back in the loop. He would tell me when he was due to see Lydia, where they were going (sometimes her flat, sometimes the cinema or a cafe in town) and occasionally, when he got back, he told me a bit about what they’d done, what she’d said, even a joke they had shared.
It had been strange, getting to know Lydia again, this time solely through Josh’s eyes. The picture he painted was of an entirely different woman to the one who’d fled in disgrace on Christmas Day. She was back to being the Lydia of that first meeting: cool, relaxed and seemingly relishing the opportunity to build a relationship with her son.
‘Well, that’s what I was supposed to be doing,’ he replied with a sigh.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, concerned that Lydia had blown him out again.
‘This party thing’s come up.’
‘What party thing?’
‘This friend of Caitlin’s is having a party tonight. I wasn’t going to go but Caitlin really wants me to. Because of what’s happened.’
I put down my mug of tea. ‘And what has happened?’
Josh stopped pacing about the kitchen and turned to face me. ‘Alicia’s broken up with Tom.’
‘Oh no. Poor Tom.’
‘Yeah, he reckons it’s no big deal. But I think he’s pretty gutted, actually.’
‘I thought you said she was besotted with him?’
‘She was. Still is, apparently. Caitlin said it was Alicia’s parents who made her call it off because they were worried she was going to screw up her GCSEs. Only now Alicia’s in bits.’
I shook my head. No doubt they had thought they were doing the right thing too. That was the trouble with parenting. What seemed right in your head didn’t always work out in practice.
‘So I take it Tom’s not going to the party?’
‘No. He’s working, anyway.’
‘Right. But Caitlin is going, and she wants you there?’
‘Yeah, because she’s trying to persuade Alicia to go and reckons she might need me to lend a bit of support and tell her that Tom doesn’t hate her for dumping him.’
I nodded, still trying to process it all in my head. ‘Well, what do you want to do?’ I asked.
‘I want to go. I mean, Caitlin’s asked me to but I don’t want to let Mum down either.’
‘Do you know what?’ I said. ‘I think she’d understand. It’s not as if you make a habit of it, is it?’
I looked at Josh. I was trying to avoid saying that Lydia could hardly complain after the number of times she’d let him down.
‘I guess not,’ he said, still not sounding convinced.
‘Why don’t you give your mum a ring? Tell her what’s happened. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. You could always fix something up for next weekend.’
‘Yeah,’ said Josh, nodding. ‘You’re probably right. It’s just …’
‘Just what?’
‘I don’t want her to, you know, take it the wrong way.’
‘It’s not such a big deal, is it? There’ll be plenty of other times to see her, love. She knows that. It sounds like Caitlin could really do with you being around tonight.’
‘You’re right,’ said Josh. ‘Even if it will just be girly-crisis-in-the-loo stuff.’
I smiled at him. ‘She’ll thank you for it,’ I said. ‘That girly-crisis stuff’s really important when you’re sixteen.’
‘You’d better stand by your phone,’ he said. ‘I’ll give Caitlin your number, if it gets really heavy.’
He walked out of the kitchen, a smile on his face and a newfound air of maturity about him.
* * *
‘So where’s this party he’s gone to?’ asked Chris later, when Matilda was in bed and we were sitting on the sofa.
‘It’s in Warley. I’ve got the address. I said I’d pick them all up and run Caitlin and Alicia home. Josh is going to text me when they’re ready.’
‘I’ll go, if you like, love,’ Chris said. ‘It’ll probably be late.’
‘It’s OK, thanks, I don’t mind. Anyway, I don’t suppose you fancy dealing with teenage girls blubbing in your car.’
Chris looked at me, a slight frown on his face. ‘Why will they be blubbing?’
‘Big crisis. Alicia has dumped Tom. Or rather, her parents made her break it off so she could concentrate on her revision.’
‘Jeez,’ said Chris. ‘Big stuff, indeed. Are we the bad parents, then? For letting Josh carry on seeing Caitlin?’
‘Not from whe
re I’m standing,’ I said.
‘You think they went in too heavy?’
‘She’s not going to be able to concentrate on her exams if she’s as miserable as sin, is she?’
‘No, but it will probably all blow over in a week or two.’
‘Not at that age. It’s a massive deal. He was her first proper boyfriend.’
‘And we’ve got all this to look forward to.’
‘No, we haven’t. Not if Josh behaves himself and we don’t try to meddle where we’re not wanted.’
‘They have been seeing a lot of each other lately.’
I was about to take issue with that. Then I remembered that, as far as Chris was aware, they’d been seeing a whole lot more of each other than they actually had.
‘Good. I think she’s a great influence on him.’
Chris shrugged. ‘You won’t be saying that if she ends up pregnant.’
‘She’s got far too much sense for that.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Josh told me. Said she wanted to wait.’
‘How come he tells you stuff like that?’
‘I had my counsellor face on at the time.’
‘Well, I hope she sticks to her guns, for everyone’s sake.’
‘You just want to avoid having “the talk” with him, don’t you?’
‘Oh no,’ said Chris, smiling. ‘That is firmly your department.’
‘I don’t know what it’s like to be a sixteen-year-old lad, do I?’
‘Imagine raging hormones and a one-track mind and multiply that several times. Then you’ll be about halfway there.’
‘Sounds lovely.’
‘And that’ll be exactly why Alicia’s parents are very relieved tonight.’
‘What, you think they were worried that she’d get into trouble?’
‘I bet that was part of it.’
‘It’s still tough on them both, whatever the reasons.’
‘They’ll get over it.’
‘Still fancy doing the taxi run later, then, do you?’ I asked, a smile nudging the corners of my mouth.
‘Like you said, maybe she’ll need a sympathetic ear. Female solidarity and all that.’