by C. A. Szarek
Damn, Lee could argue. If Cole wasn’t so irritated by the words coming out of her mouth, he might have had to grudgingly respect that she had the balls to argue with him, buck up to him. Even stick her finger in his face.
But it didn’t matter. Berto’s intel was correct—Cole’s ass was going back to New York with or without her. Without was preferable. He didn’t need a partner.
Rapping his knuckles on the table, his eyes darted to Andi sitting across from him in the briefing room. In silence, she assessed him like she hadn’t in weeks. The bags under her eyes told him how exhausted she was, but there she sat, her head still in the game, pushing with Lee when he pushed back. Strategising, planning. His detective was a damn good cop.
His?
Cole swallowed back a sigh. Mixed emotions rushed him. The thought of leaving her, leaving Ethan…
It was going to kill him. But he had to go—he had a job to do, a case to work and a slimy bastard to apprehend.
Carlo had fled Texas—he had to follow. Was there was a reason for Cole to stay?
Chest aching, he took a deep breath and forced his gaze away from the woman who’d stolen his heart. How could he say goodbye?
“I trust Berto’s info. I’m going to New York.”
Lee rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Maybe you can talk some sense into his hard head,” she muttered, throwing a glance at Andi. “I’m done.” Shaking her head, his new partner headed out of the briefing room, cursing under her breath.
His eyes found hers. She bit her bottom lip and he reached for her hand. She didn’t pull away as he entwined their fingers. Flashes of taking her against the wall, kissing her, and then holding her while she slept in his arms danced into his mind. The intensity of the feelings washing over him made Cole swallow hard.
Son of a bitch, he loved her.
“I have to go.” Voice cracking, he ignored his sudden revelation.
“I know.” A nod punctuated her affirmative.
He wanted to ask, that’s it? But words wouldn’t form. He didn’t have the balls to ask her what she was thinking. “Tonight. I don’t want to give Maldonado any more time to get lost.”
“Okay.” Andi’s voice was low, but he couldn’t read her expression when their eyes met.
She glanced away, her breasts heaving as if she’d taken a breath, but when she faced him again she wore a smile. “We’ve had quite a run.”
Cole swallowed panic. She was shutting him out. “Yeah, you could say that,” he managed, every word forced past the pain in his chest.
What the hell was happening to him?
“I’ve got a flight. I already let Agent Barnes know what’s going on, since you have to be so damn stubborn.” Lee’s voice in the doorway made his breath exit on a whoosh.
He looked Lee’s way, not missing her keen dark gaze honing in on his and Andi’s joined hands. When Andi yanked away, Cole let her go, his chest tightening all over again.
“I’m driving,” he said.
One of his new partner’s eyebrows shot up.
Cole shrugged. “I bought my rental. Gotta get it home, is all.”
“I don’t know why you’re so sure you can trust this guy, Lucas,” Lee said, taking a seat across from him, next to Andi.
“I was under for fourteen months, that’s how. I trust his intel. The guys he contacted were all mine. Caselli’s father always had a big mouth, but it’s never without a purpose. My guess? He’s double crossing Maldonado and trying to get back into Junior’s good graces. The money tree is yielding more for the son than it ever did for the father.”
Lee nodded, but her expression fairly bled scepticism. “I’ll meet you at the office then.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“I’m out, gonna head to DFW Airport.” Standing, Lee thrust her hand out to Andi. “Nice working with you, MacLaren. Tell that partner of yours I hope to see him again. And don’t worry, I’ll take good care of your boy, here.”
Andi muttered pleasantries and shook his new partner’s hand, but her jaw was tight as Lee winked.
Was she jealous? It wasn’t the first time he’d thought so when it came to Lee. His lover didn’t relax until Lee was gone, but Cole tamped down the hope that popped up. Just because Andi might be jealous, it didn’t mean she cared about him. Did it?
“We should go,” Andi said, clearing her throat. “I want to get home to Ethan and make sure Bella’s doing all right.”
“Yeah.” I need to get on the road, he left unsaid. Maybe he could ignore facing it for a little while longer.
The ride home was silent. Words wouldn’t form, so Cole didn’t push her to talk. What the hell could he say, anyway?
He’d been stabbed in the leg when he was seventeen, shot twice as an adult. Even had appendicitis. Nothing compared. He’d never been in so much pain in his life. Every breath stuck him like a dagger, his chest was torn open and his stomach felt like it was riddled with ulcers.
When Ethan flew into his arms after greeting his mother in the living room, Cole almost lost it. He buried his face against Ethan, breathing in detergent, soap and clean little boy. Cheek to the kid’s chest, Cole needed a moment to gather himself.
Natalie was there. Her voice, along with Bella’s and Andi’s, sounded far away. He heard the door shut. Jerk that he was, he hadn’t even said goodbye to mother and daughter.
Cole barely processed Andi explaining things to her son.
“You hafta go?” The little boy’s voice trembled, but he didn’t cry.
He was proud of him for that. “I do.” His voice cracked.
Ethan met his gaze and nodded seriously. Cole was able to smile genuinely—the kid was a mini adult sometimes.
Andi cleared her throat and their eyes met. God, she was beautiful. He wanted to kiss her, but not touching her was a plan he needed to stick to.
Coward.
He didn’t have the balls to tell her he loved her.
“Do you have everything?” she asked.
“Yeah.” He glanced at his black duffle. As with his hotel, he’d never unpacked. He’d always kept his life grab and go.
“Don’t want you to go.” Ethan’s voice was small.
“I have to, buddy.”
“When you comin’ back?”
“I’m not sure.” He hated lying. But he couldn’t look Andi’s son in the face and tell him he might never see him again.
Damn, how could a three-year-old look so solemn? It was killing him. Cole kept his eyes glued to the little boy. He couldn’t look at Andi. God, his gut ached.
If he looked into her blue eyes and saw hurt—even sensed it—the composure he was fighting for so hard would dissolve.
Was she dying inside like him? She’d never professed love, either. He had no idea what she felt for him.
He wanted to yank her into his arms and kiss her to find out. Was it worth the risk?
Yes, a voice whispered. He ignored it and tightened his hold on Andi’s son.
“I’ll see you when I can,” Cole whispered.
Ethan flashed a brilliant grin. “I love you, Cole.” He squeezed his arms around Cole’s neck, almost too tight.
His heart dropped to his stomach. Sucking in a breath, he buried his face against the little boy to hide his reaction. Caressing Ethan’s copper curls, he was still unable to meet Andi’s eyes. “I love you, too,” he croaked.
Closing his eyes, Cole set Andi’s son to his feet. The little boy slid his hand into one of his.
Her gaze found his and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. It was time to go. Before he did something stupid or weak.
“Good luck. No doubt in my mind you’ll get him.” She swallowed, making Cole want to kiss her throat. “Then you’ll have a tough road getting back to normal after being under so long.”
You and Ethan are my new normal.
He didn’t give a shit about getting settled back in at work. Cole could only nod. Digging deep, he forced words out of his mouth. �
��It’ll be good to get back.” Liar. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Double liar.
“I figured you would be,” Andi said, grabbing Ethan’s free hand.
The little guy looked up at his mother then at him, contentment in his expression. Cole’s heart flipped.
His eyes swept over their joined hands. Rightness settled over him.
This was it.
Ethan and Andi were supposed to be his.
Releasing Andi’s son, he took a step back, loss hitting him in waves. Every breath was tight, painful. “Well, I need to hit the road. Take it easy. Say goodbye to Pete for me.” His words were rushed.
Just go. You need to leave. Now.
“I will.”
Reduced to small talk? They were lovers. Had been lovers. Pain threatened to cave his chest. Cole bit back a cringe and planted his hands at his sides.
Get. It. The. Fuck. Together.
He shot a look at the door and shifted on his feet.
“Drive safe, okay?”
Mouth dry, he nodded. No way he could talk.
Squeezing his eyes shut when he heard Ethan shout one last goodbye, he closed the door to her house.
Fucking coward. What the hell is wrong with you?
Tossing his duffle in the back seat, he slammed the car door shut and pounded the steering wheel as soon as his ass hit the bucket seat.
Was leaving a mistake? Couldn’t Lee get Carlo? He’d briefed her on his whole case history. She was more than capable. Why didn’t he have the balls to let it go?
He was losing them. The only woman he’d ever loved and the kid he couldn’t bear not seeing every day. Was he walking away from his…future?
Andi had stood there wishing him luck with a smile on her face.
Did she feel anything for him at all? Was he arrogant to think so, to wish so?
She didn’t cry or ask if he’d come back. Tell him she cared about him…even loved him? Why had they never talked about it?
Because, asshole, you wanted it that way.
Why would she have risked herself with him when he’d never offered her the same consideration? He’d never told her a damn thing, other than confessing to needing her. That was a drop in the bucket compared to how he felt now.
So, the joke was on him.
He was the one who’d fallen in love.
Cole should have kissed her goodbye. But if he’d touched her it would have been over. He’d have told her he loved her. He may have even begged her to let him come back when Maldonado was behind bars.
With one last glance at the door, he started the Challenger. He still loved the car, and now it was truly his. But Andi and Ethan were not.
“Fuck,” Cole muttered, shaking his head.
He shoved the car in reverse and gunned it to the street. Long drive meant he’d better get the hell on his way.
* * * *
Andi had struggled for control the whole time he’d stood talking to her. Like normal. Like everything was okay. Like he wasn’t ripping her heart into pieces with every word.
When the door shut, she fell apart. Knees buckled, her ass hit the couch hard. Damn good thing she’d been standing so close.
Tears cascaded. How could this be happening? The man she loved…leaving her. Again. A voice whispered he hadn’t wanted to leave, that he’d had to go. He said nothing about coming back.
He’d told Ethan he loved him. What about her? Why didn’t Cole love her?
“Mama, Mama.” Ethan’s panicked tone made her force one breath, then two.
What the hell was she doing?
Get it together, Andi. Now.
His blue eyes as wide as saucers, Andi forced a smile and ruffled his hair. She swiped at her face with her free hand, but the tears wouldn’t quit.
“Mama. Crying? Mama, don’t cry!” Ethan grabbed her hand and squeezed.
She gathered her little boy onto her lap, burying her face against him as his small arms shot around her neck. Cole’s clean masculine scent clinging to his T-shirt tickled her nose. Her eyes slipped closed.
Oh, God.
How was she supposed to get past this?
Ethan patted her back and hugged her tight. “Mama,” he whispered.
Forcing a breath, she pulled back as her son nestled closer on her lap. “I’m okay, buddy.”
His gaze was confused and she bit her lip. She needed to get it together. Fast. If not for herself, for Ethan. It wasn’t fair for him to see her like this.
“I’m okay,” Andi repeated, sniffling. “I’ll be okay.”
He nodded and patted her cheek. She smiled and grabbed his little hand, pressing a noisy kiss into his palm that made him giggle.
“I miss Cole, Mama.”
She blew out another breath, her heart stuttering. “I do, too.” And it was true, God, it was true. Gone only ten minutes and her heart…her life would never be the same.
Andi ran her hand against Ethan’s soft curls, fighting another sob.
Letting Cole go because it was what he needed was the right thing to do.
Right?
Case aside, his life was sixteen hundred miles away. Not in a small Texas city. Not even for Andi and Ethan. After he caught Maldonado, he could get back to the matter at hand—getting Caselli. Despite his undercover work, the surface was barely scratched. He needed to be in New York. That should have comforted her.
Being his lover was always going to be a temporary thing. Andi had gone to bed with him—had him in her bed—with both eyes open. Cole had never promised her a damn thing. So why the devastation?
Because you love him, stupid.
And it wasn’t Cole’s fault she’d fallen for him. Fool.
He’d always seemed to sense what she needed. After their interlude in the living room, he’d held her until she’d fallen asleep. Tender touches, soft kisses leading the way. No pressure to do anything but be together.
Why hadn’t she told him then? His eyes had been deep pools of molten steel, tender heat that had affected her as much as his hands on her body. Feeling that had made her burn for more.
Andi should have told him she loved him.
Today he’d stood across the room, away from her, Ethan the only one in his arms. How could someone so close be so far away? Untouchable.
Now he was gone, without so much as a kiss goodbye.
He was gone. He’d left. No word about a return.
Pain threatened to double her over and she clung to Ethan. The metallic tang of her own blood hit her tongue. She’d bitten into her lip to stave off more tears. Unsuccessfully. “Oh, God.”
“Mama?”
Shit, she’d spoken aloud. “It’s okay, Ethan.” Her voice shook.
He looked even more confused. Andi caressed his cheek and his eyes welled with tears.
No, please. Don’t let him cry.
“I want Cole.” His bottom lip trembled.
She held him closer. The little boy sniffled loudly, a tear sliding down his cheek.
“Don’t cry, baby.”
I can’t take it if he makes you cry, too.
She tried to swallow back her own sob and lost the battle. Her vision blurred, her chest heaving.
“I want Cole.” Ethan’s stubborn demand was punctuated with him crossing his arms over his small chest.
“I do too, buddy, I do too.”
“Why’d he go?”
Andi crushed her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek. “He had to.”
Ethan’s eyes were misty and earnest when she met his gaze. “I want him home.”
Home. How did she tell him Cole had gone home? His home wasn’t truly their home.
Wiping his tears, she rocked him in her arms.
Neither of them would ever be the same again. The only question was who would cry more?
Chapter Twenty-Two
She had to sprint away mid-sentence. Andi made it to the ladies’ room just in time to throw up. Pete would likely come after her. His concern would even be genuine, but what th
e hell was she supposed to say to him? None of your business never worked with her partner.
The menacing tiny blue plus sign popped into her mind, as fresh as it had been four weeks ago when she’d taken the test because Mother Nature had been two weeks tardy to her monthly party. Now she had a nine month suspension notice—well, more like seven and a half.
Tears streaming hot, sobs had racked her body, as she’d stood at her dresser in her bedroom after taking the test, staring at the wedding ring she’d taken off only about a year before—at Pete’s urging. Iain’s ring. What had she been crying about? Andi still wasn’t sure exactly. Loss. Love. Life?
Cole was gone, too. They’d both left her with a child.
Heart pounding, Andi stood and reached to flush the toilet, then brushed off her khakis. Wobbly legs took her to the sink. She rinsed her mouth out, splashed cold water on her face and prayed for control.
Pete wasn’t stupid. He’d been there when she was pregnant with Ethan. She’d been sick as a dog the first four months.
If her partner hadn’t followed her to the bathroom—she was lucky he hadn’t burst inside—the third degree would descend before her ass hit her seat.
He’d been gone almost two months. Andi’s gut clenched, but it wasn’t nausea. Pain threatened to double her over. She rested her hands on her knees and panted.
No calls. No texts. No emails. Hell, not even snail mail.
It was as if she’d never existed to him.
He made you no promises, a voice reminded. She crushed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, then another.
Cole could pretend all he wanted that they had never been, but proof grew safely inside her. Andi rested her hand low on her belly and tried to calm her heart and her thoughts.
What had she expected—that he would get back to New York and they’d talk every day? Skype? Carry on a long-distance relationship? They’d barely had a relationship at all. He hadn’t even called to let her know he’d got there all right.
The rational side of her brain reared its ugly head. He was working his case. He was…busy. Right?
Andi had been trolling the news—TV and websites—hell, even watchdog websites. Nothing. No human trafficking king pin apprehended, not even a low man on the totem pole like Maldonado.