by A. S. Kelly
I’ve got a cold sweat. I need to drink something so I don’t choke on my food. I gulp down a few swigs of beer but I can still feel his eyes on me.
“I know it’s her, Jason. It always has been. You know, love can happen at any age and sometimes, the first love, the one everyone says you never forget, remains the only one.”
—
ALEX
“And so this is where you hide…”
Her voice startles me and makes me drop the book I was reading. I get up from the stool behind the counter to pick it up, but he beats me to it and we find ourselves on our knees, very close to one another.
Too close.
“Are you following me?” I ask him as he sets my book down.
“I’ve been waiting to see you at the pub for a few days but you haven’t showed up. So, I called your dad and he told me you work here.”
He takes a pause, a bit too long, and then lets out a sigh.
“Is it…safe?” he says, coming closer. “It doesn’t tire you out too much?”
I huff, exasperated. He’s a carbon copy of my father.
“I don’t do much, and it’s just a part-time job, it probably won’t last long, I’m covering someone’s maternity leave,” I say, impatient as everyone seems so anxious for me. “It’s not the work that creates a problem for me. The things I need to worry about are…” And I cut myself short before I can regret what’s about to come out.
He doesn’t insist and changes the subject, at least in part.
“Nice here. I’m not surprised to find you surrounded by books. Things haven’t changed that much.”
“It’s not like I can…” I stop, feeling sorry for myself and I hate it.
I let the thing go and hope he won’t pick up on what I started to say.
“How are you?” he asks and I can feel like I’m about to scream. The same question everyone asks me every single day.
“Great!” I reply with a touch of bitterness, as I turn the page.
“Alex…” His tone of voice is sweet and dangerously intimate.
I look at him and find his eyes once again, the ones I used to know, still veiled by a subtle opacity that almost killed me.
“I’m sorry to have gone away in that way, to have let us lose touch as we did…the other night you didn’t give me the chance to tell you.”
I nod and swallow hard, starting to feel strangely anxious.
It’s Jason, he’s here and that’s not good.
I shake my head because I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if I really want to get into this conversation with him, but he doesn’t let go, he’s stubborn.
“Please, talk to me, Alex.”
“Why are you here?”
“Because I decided that it’s time to face this thing. Truthfully, I’m trying to face a few different things right now. I was recently at my dad’s house.”
“How is he?”
“The same as always, downhearted, dejected and lost.” He pauses and sighs. “Like me.” He concludes, and my hands begin to tremble and my heartbeat speeds up, keeping time.
“Your father is a good person. He has suffered terribly and deserves to go on with life and to have you by his side,” I tell him, trying not to think of the last words he said to me.
“Yeah…” He sighs and his glance wanders around a bit before returning to burn on me.
I’ll never be able to go on like this, I’ll never be able to leave the house. It’s not possible that after all this time my feelings are still there, so evident and dangerous.
I’ve been in love with him my whole life, from the first time he came in my house with his mother.
Years of joking, making fun of each other, laughing and crying. A bit of everything. We have shared everything.
Everything but love.
“You can’t stay here,” I tell him suddenly with a harshness that is not mine. “It’s not…it’s not safe.”
“Alex…” He studies my face from up close. “I would never hurt you,” he says seriously, trying to take my hand, but I pull it back to avoid any kind of contact.
I know he won’t hurt me, but I could hurt him.
“I’ve missed my best friend, I’ve missed you. I’d like to recover a bit of lost time. I know that you’re disappointed and that you’re upset with me for how I behaved and you’re right.”
For everybody else maybe, but not me.
Never for me.
7
JASON
“A short break, ladies and gents and we’ll be right back,” I announce at the microphone, before setting down my guitar and heading over to Liam.
“The audience is better tonight than usual,” I tell him, trying to distract from his one-track thoughts, but how can I blame him? I find myself in the same position, maybe worse. “Nights like these are good for getting back the spirit of the group,” I add, hoping he’ll concentrate on us.
Liam is so in love with Rain that when she’s not here, within eyesight, he gets all out of sorts. He’s always nervous that something’s going to happen to her and he’s terrified at the idea of losing her again and I think he always will be.
After everything that’s happened, I don’t think it could be otherwise.
Rain has some linguistic difficulties. She can’t express herself perfectly and not everyone understands her the first time. She’s easily lost in her mind and sometimes she’s not able to get out of her head for hours. She’s been living with this condition for a while and I know she knows how to get along and we all try not to suffocate her, but when she goes to the city, in the crowds, Liam is a mess of nerves and he only calms down when he can hold her again.
“Hey…I know you’d like to be somewhere else right now, maybe with someone with long copper hair, but just for another hour, let’s concentrate on this, what do you say?” I try to move him.
I understand how he feels and I can’t hide that I also worry about her when she’s gone for many hours at a time, but she does have the right to live her life and do what she wants.
Liam isn’t listening to me at all. He lifts his shoulders and goes to the counter.
That’s when I look around the room and my eyes remain locked on who just walked in the door.
Oh God, help me not to fall apart now that someone else needs my help.
Liam sets his beer that he was about to drink on the counter and runs to Rain, who opens her arms for him and I can’t take my eyes off the person who is standing next to her.
We get on stage again, check our instruments and prepare for the next song we’ve got on the line-up for tonight.
Before starting, Liam looks up and smiles. I follow him with my eyes but then lose the trail because mine come to a halt when they meet hers.
And I understand how Liam must feel. I understand his torment. I understand his suffering. I understand his love.
I understand every damned part of it.
I never said I’d lie and wait forever… If I died, we’d be together… I can’t always just forget her… But she could try.
What is karma? A fucking joke of destiny?
And all the things that you never ever told me… And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.
Great choice in songs, guys. Nailed it.
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me… For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me… If I fall… If I fall (down).
NO, I’m not just falling, damn it. I’m falling apart, miserably and inevitably.
I’m falling apart here in front of everybody.
In front of her.
How is this supposed to work? How do you continue to live when you know the person you’d give everything to, even your own life, is there, a few meters away from you and you can’t tell her how you feel, you can’t hold her close to you because all it would do is hurt her?
How can you live like this?
Liam looks at me and his eyes are full of love and hope and I can’t help but smile back and b
e happy for him and Rain. I am so happy for them, because Liam finally came home and it seems like he’s the guy he used to be and Rain can have a real life full of love with him.
And Alex?
What’s she going to have?
Can I be there for her? Can I help her accept her life and…me, help her to accept my love for her?
And I? Can I accept this love? Can I let myself go and throw myself into this crazy obstacle course that could trip me up, break my legs leaving me breathless or lifeless?
Listen to me, what a bunch of bullshit.
I had my chance years ago and I blew it. I could have stayed by her side then, when she needed it. And instead I only thought about myself, to run away from the chance of being hurt again and the fear of losing someone else in my life and I’ve denied myself all these years with her.
And I have denied her everything.
I don’t deserve to be close to her and I don’t deserve her love. Because I know it’s there. I know that she loves me, from that day on and very probably before then.
From the first time I made her fall off the swing or when I hid a toad in her backpack. Or when I beat up Rick Murphy in the playground after he told her she had nice tits.
She’s loved me since the day we understood that we weren’t meant to be with others, since my mother brought me to her house and begged me to play with her because she didn’t have many friends.
She’s always loved me, but I’m nothing more than an idiot.
And I…I’ve loved her since my first breath.
—
ALEX
“So?”
Rain and Erin sit down next to me. We’re at Starbucks, a stone’s throw from Trinity College. In the last few weeks they’ve taken on the habit of coming to visit me after work to spend a little time together.
Rain wants to catch up with Erin, who is a nice, sweet girl and very easy to get along with. Now I understand how she was able to tame that womanizer Patrick.
I can’t deny that their company is good for me. It’s really nice to have some friends I can spend some time with and that I don’t have to spend all my free time at home in my room with my books.
I got a sandwich and some tea but I’m not really interested in eating.
My stomach is in knots and I don’t know if it’s the medicine or this thing that’s crushing me.
“What are you talking about?” I say vaguely, even if I know where she’s getting at.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know! Spill it!”
I set the sandwich down on the plate and push it away from me and let myself slide back in the chair.
Rain looks at me disapprovingly, she always does when I leave my entire lunch on my plate.
“What is it you want to know, Rain?”
“What a question! I want to know everything!”
“There’s not much to tell. It’s him, I have to stay away from him. You know the rest.”
“You’re not getting off that easy.”
“What do you want me to tell you? You know the story.”
“And you know that I don’t remember all of it. I know he was your first kiss, your first love, well, I can go a step further, I know that he’s been your only love.”
As her words fall down on me, I think back to Conor and how our story ended. I shake my head before resting it on the table and banging it.
“You know I can’t,” I say without lifting my head from the table. “And then, so much time has passed. We were just kids and I went away and who knows how many girls have passed under him since then.”
Rain sits in silence for a minute before going on.
“You never forget your first love.”
“We were only friends.” I rebuff her idea.
“Friends don’t kiss,” Erin adds enthusiastically.
“I tried, I went out with some others. I had Conor, and you know how that went…”
“Conor was a real idiot.”
She’s right. Conor was an idiot and the year we spent together did nothing but confirm my theory that no one will ever want to really be by my side and that I’m not made to do certain things.
“Maybe you should see someone, go out, have fun…maybe with someone who knows nothing about you, what you’ve been through,” Erin suggests.
“What should I do, throw myself into some guy’s arms to test out if my heart can take it?”
“You know full well that it could take it, Alex, we’ve already talked about this. What happened to you was casual, it didn’t happen because of that. The doctors have explained this to you, haven’t they? It would have happened anyway. And until you put your hat in the game, you’ll never be free from this conviction that you have.”
“And you’re well now, aren’t you? Everything’s under control, the medication is helping,” Erin adds, looking at me hopefully.
“Mmm-uhm,” I mumble before standing up with my tray, bringing it away.
I turn quickly and run right into his chest and barely manage to hold on to the tray and avoid spilling everything all over his shirt.
“Hey…” I say, dying of embarrassment. I hope he didn’t hear any of that stupid conversation. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”
Jason smiles at me as my legs try to abandon me.
“Allow me,” he says taking the tray from my hands and setting it on the counter.
“What are you doing here?”
“I went to visit my father and we went to get something at the cafeteria. Your father told me that you were here with the girls and since I was already in the area, I came to see if you needed a ride back to Howth.”
I bite my lip nervously as he continues looking at me.
“Were you going some place?”
Anyplace where you are not.
“Ehm.. no, I’ve finished everything I need to do today.”
“May I take you home?”
“No thanks.” I cut it short, gathering my things and leaving the building, nodding at Rain and Erin in goodbye before he decides to follow me.
I speed up my pace to get out into the fresh air as soon as possible, where I can breathe away from everyone, and I reckon it will help me slow things down a bit. If we keep meeting like this, I’m not going to last very long.
I walk up O’Connell Street with my thoughts all in a jumble. I can’t do this, I can’t allow it, I have to find a way out. It’s useless trying to avoid him, I have to find another solution.
Maybe Erin’s advice wasn’t so bad, maybe I should throw myself out there, find someone who knows nothing about me. Someone who does not elicit certain emotions, and especially someone who will not suffer because of me.
Someone who isn’t him.
Pathetic, right? A twenty-three-year-old woman who isn’t able to have any kind of relationship, who has never had sex, who can’t find someone who wants to be with her, without provoking a fainting spell, some kind of malice or even a stroke.
I could do it, I could try, without anxiety, without fear. After all, what is it all about, just sex, right? Thousands of people do it every day, why shouldn’t I? Maybe I’d even enjoy just that moment and feel like a normal girl, just like the others.
Could feel myself, my body, let myself act on instinct.
I could feel alive again.
8
JASON
“You like her, right?”
“Huh?”
We’re in the warehouse trying to get the orders in with our contracts, our notes and our thoughts.
We rehearsed for a few hours before the pub opened. We’re looking to come out with something new because my father is still intending to give us a hand with the music.
We’re not leading ourselves on, that train has already left the station for us. We lost our big break after Patrick walked out on us in London last year in the middle of a meeting with a record company, so he could go to Erin. I don’t think there are any other concrete possibilities of future chances, but it doesn’t hurt to try our lu
ck, especially now that things have calmed down and we’re all in the same place again.
Patrick is less of an asshole than usual, Aaron is fine, Liam is back and is behaving much better.
Everyone can go back to breathing.
Everyone but me.
“Alex, I mean.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Liam,” I tell him.
“Come on Jay, I saw how you were looking at her the other night.”
“We were friends, we still are, more or less.”
“Listen, I know the story.” He interrupts himself, but I know what he was going to say.
“Yes, well just because you know what happened doesn’t mean you know what you’re talking about. It’s…complicated.”
“Complicated? Friend, life is complicated.”
“Seems like I’m talking with my dad again.”
“You still like Alex, it’s obvious and I can see that she still likes you. She’s always liked you and Rain told me that she’s never had eyes for anyone else. Just because her illness has struck twice, it doesn’t mean it has to happen again.”
I’m about to respond to his words in the same tone of voice but stop short at his words.
“Two times? Actually, it only happened that one time…”
“And then again with Conor, last year.”
I sit down on a case of beer, upset by this revelation. I knew that sooner or later Alex would have found someone else, but knowing it for certain makes me want to punch a wall.
“Who the fuck is Conor? And what the hell happened?” I ask, raising my voice.
“He was her boyfriend. She had some kind of problem and that idiot called the ambulance.”
I clench my fists and try to control the rage even though I truly do not know where it’s coming from.
Alex had a boyfriend.
That boyfriend was not me.
Am I jealous, perhaps? Yes, I am.
“They were about to…okay, it’s better not to go into details. Rain told me in confidence.”
“And you had the great idea to share this with me? With me?”