by A. S. Kelly
Of Alex kissing another man. Of Alex in bed with another man. Of Alex in another man’s life.
An Alex without me.
These are thoughts that bring about a slow death. It’s like I’m frozen in place watching a blade skim over my heart back and forth, back and forth, each time cutting a bit deeper until it finally remains wedged in there, letting me bleed to death in an infinite, unbearable death.
Because Alex will love someone someday and I know I can’t avoid that, I can’t control it and I have no voice in the matter.
Because Alex is not mine.
And I can only blame myself for it.
“I should have…” I whisper, resigned to it, talking more to myself than to her.
She sits next to me with a sigh. She rests a hand on my thigh and my muscles relax at her touch. She rests her head on my shoulder and her light breath tickles my neck.
God, I’ll never make it.
“You should have,” she says.
I close my eyes and nod, unable to do anything else.
—
ALEX
I show up at the guy’s house with my overnight bag. I begged my father to go to poker night, which he has given up since I’ve been home, so I asked to spend the night at Rain’s.
Jason answers the door and he stands there like a statue, not making room for me to come in.
“What are you doing here?”
“I…I live here,” he says, confused.
“Yes, I know, but I thought you were going to your dad’s tonight.”
“He had other plans.”
“Oh,” I say, embarrassed. “I understand…so, you didn’t know I was going to be sleeping over here tonight?”
Jason is a mask of surprise and agitation. He moves aside to let me in. I drop the bag in the floor, I lift my gaze and there he is, just wearing a pair of jeans.
I shoot a glance at Rain to interrogate her with my eyes while Jason closes the door behind him, resting up against it.
“I completely forgot, Alex.”
“Forgot what? Forgot that I was coming tonight or to tell me…that he was here?” I say, raising my voice.
I’m taking it out on Rain even if I know it’s not her fault. She always has a hard time remembering things.
She walks over to me and puts her hands on my shoulders to massage them a little, trying to help me relax.
“Don’t get upset, I beg you. Have you eaten? Did you take your medicine?”
Fucking questions.
I shake my head and move away from her massage, because in this moment, she’s my own personal Judah, the traitor.
“Sit down, I’ll order something. Chinese? Fish-and-chips?”
“It doesn’t make any difference to me,” I respond, looking anywhere but at his naked chest. “Is he staying here with us?”
“I. Live. Here!” he says, infuriated.
Perfect. This is the best way to keep away from him.
I sit down on the couch with my legs crossed and pull out a book I was reading today at lunch. Books calm me down, they offer me a way out of every difficult situation. Without them, I’d be lost.
Jason moves around the room and I surprise myself by following his perfectly sculpted body with my eyes, looking at his muscular arms; scrutinizing and guessing at the meaning of the tattoo covering his entire right arm up to the shoulder.
I find myself biting my lip and filling my mind with this insane idea of him and me, in another time and place where I didn’t know about my illness and where he hadn’t abandoned me in the hospital.
He leaves the room and goes upstairs, not showing me his face and making me sink back down briskly into my reality, but he returns after a few minutes, thank God, with a T-shirt on.
I follow the whole scene with my head held low, glued to the pages of my book and I try to follow his movements discretely.
Rain arrives in the living room with her cell phone up to her ear.
“Relax, I’ll be right back, okay?” she says, and then she cuts the connection.
She sighs with agitation, nervously touching the scar on her forehead, sitting on the kitchen stool.
“What’s happened?” I ask, setting my book on the couch and sitting up straight. “Are you okay?”
She looks at me and I can see that she’s worried. There’s a veil of sadness there.
“I have to run over to the pub right away.”
“What’s the problem?” Jason asks, going straight to alarm mode.
“A little fight has broken out.”
“What? What the fuck…I’ll go…”
“No, Jay. It’s calm now. It was a stupid journalist’s fault. Liam got really overwhelmed and tried to punch him. Patrick resolved the situation, but Liam is still upset. Erin is worried and I am too. I have to go to him,” she concludes, near to tears.
“I’ll try and be back as soon as possible, but if I shouldn’t make it—” She pauses before looking at Jason, “—I need you to do me a favor.”
Jason gets back to where he was before all this confusion broke out and nods at her.
“You have to take care of Alex, just for a few hours. Don’t leave her alone, okay?”
Jason locks his jaw and his whole body goes rigid.
I fall apart completely because I know that I’m gonna be alone with him, in this house for the better part of the night because Rain, damn her, just used those words.
Jason nods but doesn’t look at me. Rain leans in to me and whispers, “I’m sorry, but it’s an emergency,” before flipping on her shoes and taking the house keys and leaving.
The two of us sit in silence a few minutes.
Immobile.
I do not emit a sound, I can’t breathe, I don’t even blink.
Jason stands up and moves towards the front door, giving me his back.
The silence. That damned silence.
Then that sound, strong and sudden.
My eyes roll back in my head and I’m lost.
I’m not there anymore.
10
JASON
“There you are…”
Alex opens her eyes and I return to the world of the living.
She fainted for a few seconds but it seemed like an eternity to me and in one moment I relived that experience I had been trying to cancel from my mind for the last five years.
Another thirty seconds and I would have died, seriously. I went into panic. Out of the blue she falls over on the couch and I felt totally lost. I was terrified that she wouldn’t wake up again.
I’ve studied her illness. I’ve spoken with her father and I asked Rain for some explanations and they gave them to me.
I know that it can happen, that she can have blackouts or convulsions; and they happen every now and again, but for the rest of the time, she’s okay. Her illness is under control, she takes her medicine regularly and the medication means she can live peacefully.
I know that she mustn’t get worked up, and that she should avoid strong emotions and things that are frightening to her. I haven’t become an overnight medic, but I do understand that this is not what happened last time.
“Humm,” Alex mutters and brings her hand up to her forehead. She’s sweating and shaking and I try to calm her by brushing her hair gently.
“Everything’s alright, it wasn’t anything, it’s all over.”
She turns her head slowly resting it on my legs and looks at me sadly.
I can’t see her like this. I just can’t bear to see her exhausted and resigned to her fate.
“Goddamned doorbell,” she murmurs and I lower my head closer to hear her better.
“What’s that?”
“It was the sound of the doorbell,” she continues, slowly tugging herself upwards as I help her to sit up.
Right. Sudden noises.
“I’m tired, I’d like to go lay down if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all, I’ll help you.”
“I can make it.” She chastises me with h
er eyes. “I don’t need you.”
“I just wanted…”
“Don’t do it, okay?” I’ve survived without your help for five years, I can still do it.”
I close my eyes to placate the tears that are trying to betray me. She’s right. I wasn’t close to her. I wasn’t there for her.
I should have, more than anyone else, protected her and helped her to get over all of this, her fears, and to accept this new life.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her again.
She sighs and lets herself go, hugging herself close to my body as I stand there with my arms outstretched.
I’d like to touch her, I’d like to hold her to me and cancel out the past.
I’d like to go back in time to that afternoon. I wish I hadn’t kissed her. And I wished that my mother wasn’t dead.
I want so many, too many, things.
And I can’t have any of them.
I slowly lower my arms and I caress her shoulders. She makes a soft sound at my touch and I hesitate for a second, to give her time to accept my nearness or to leave if she doesn’t feel comfortable with me.
When she seems to be relaxed, I put one arm behind her legs and the other behind her shoulder. I lift her up and take her to my room. At first she tenses up and opens her eyes, but then she slowly relaxes again and rests her head on my chest and I can feel everything all over again: the pain, the suffering, the sense of impotence. I feel all the weight I tried to leave behind me. It hits me like a lead weight, crushing my chest and leaving me breathless.
I climb the stairs and bring her to my room. I set her gently on the bed and pull up the covers. She turns to her side, resting a hand under her pillow and closes her eyes. After a few minutes, I can hear her breathing become regular and heavy.
I grab a blanket and some pillows from the closet. I prepare a space on the carpet and lay down at her feet. During the night, I get up repeatedly to check on her and to make sure her heart has not stopped and all of it is so damned familiar to me, so real and vivid in front of my eyes, despite all the time that has passed.
Here I am again watching over someone, someone who appears to me to be on the verge of death, trying to assure myself that she is still breathing and will live to see another day.
—
ALEX
I wake up in full hysteria. I instinctively bring my two fingers to my neck to control my pulse, hoping it’s not too fast. I look around and realize that I’m not at home in my bed.
I take a few deep breaths to shoo away the anxiety, I pull back the covers and set my feet on the carpet. I’m tired, in a terrible mood and, gauging from the light coming in from the window, probably late for work.
I get up carefully to avoid my head spinning and look around for my purse, which has my cell phone in it. I walk around the bed when a figure curled up on the floor makes me jump.
I stand frozen a few seconds, trying to breathe as slowly as possible, afraid that the slightest noise will wake him.
He is sleeping on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket with a pair of pillows under his head. His hair is mussed up, his eyes forced shut and there is visible tension on his face.
I kneel down next to him, undecided if I should wake him or not but then he moves in his sleep and I instinctively take a few steps back toward the door. I don’t make it in time to grab the handle when he gets up, suddenly blocking my way.
I turn and our eyes meet, exchanging an embarrassing glance.
“Good morning,” I splutter with a voice still laden with sleep.
“Are you alright?”
I nod and lower my gaze because I don’t want to see the same worry in his face that’s there every other day.
I turn again to leave the room and the situation, but he takes my hand delicately.
I sigh before shaking my head and forcing myself to block the emotions that have decided to betray me, letting the tears fall and revealing my pathetic existence. I’m not this strong. I’m weak and frustrated, and I’ve missed him so terribly, and I still miss him. More so than my old life.
“I’m back…” I whisper with a voice choked with tears.
They run down my face undisturbed and although I try to dry them with the back of my hand repeatedly, they show no intention of stopping.
“I’m back too,” he says, taking another step towards me.
I have to ask him, I have to know.
Now.
“You’ve come back….to me?”
He closes his eyes and lowers his head. Then he exhales slowly and looks at me directly and I see it’s him. It’s Jason.
He’s back.
He’s come back to me.
11
JASON
“There’s no need to take me to work, I could have taken the bus.”
“I didn’t have anything to do,” I lie.
I did have an appointment this morning with a drinks supplier and the accountant and God only knows who else. I’ve got a full day but none of it matters to me. I want to, and have to, stay with her for a little bit longer.
“Sure you feel like working today?”
“I’m fine, Jason. They just hired me, I don’t want to risk losing this job.”
“What time do you start?”
I look at my watch. “10:00.”
“You want to get some breakfast with me?”
“Jason…”
I know she wants to refuse, but I’m not going to let her.
“Maybe we shouldn’t.”
“Alex,” I tell her, turning my body to face her and taking her hand. “I would like to make up for some lost time. So many years have passed and I want to know everything about you, what you’ve done, how you’ve lived. I want to find my best friend.”
“Your best friend isn’t here. That person doesn’t exist anymore.”
“Okay then. Let’s say I want to know you, the new Alex.”
“There’s not much to know,” she says, lowering her eyes to our fingers which are still entwined.
“Let me decide that.”
“I don’t even remember what kind of person I was.”
“But I do. I remember everything. I remember everything about you.”
She raises her eyes to me and gives me a weary semblance of a smile and it takes all of the willpower I have to not draw her to me and hold her and transmit all of the emotions I am feeling for her now, emotions that I’ve kept to myself and that I’ve never shown to any woman, ever, because they’re not her.
Because no other woman can ever be my Alex.
“The college coffee house is open,” she says shyly.
“Let’s go,” I conclude, letting go of her hand and keeping at bay my agitation and feeling the hope which is growing in me and that I should try to suppress, but I’m weak, I always have been.
She was always my force, even if I never understood that.
And she’s always been in my heart.
Always and only.
We sit down at a little table and order two cups of coffee and pancakes. We sit in awkward silence, afraid that the wrong word could bring us back to the awareness of what what we are not, what we used to be and are no longer.
Always you will be part of me… And I will forever feel your strength… When I need it most… You’re gone now, gone but not forgotten… I can’t say this to your face… But I know you hear.
The music playing in the background fills me with regret for having let Alex slip out of my life.
I’ll see you again… You never really left… I feel you walk beside me… I know I’ll see you again.
I can’t stand this, I can’t avoid looking at her and telling her that she’s always been with me, that I’ve never forgotten about her and even if we were just two kids, I loved her.
I loved my best friend.
And I’d do anything to get her back.
“Don’t say anything,” she whispers, before biting her lip forcefully to stop herself from crying.
“Alex…”
I take her hand and squeeze it desperately.
“Please!” She moves her lips, her voice broken with sobs.
And I respect her wish to be quiet, paralyzed by the memories that destroy me, mixed with suffering and fear. Fear of losing her, losing the only person I ever loved besides my mother.
I can’t give her up again and if the only way I can have her in my life is to not love her, then I won’t.
I won’t love you Alex.
If that’s what you want from me.
I lie to myself and to my heart because I love her already more than anything else and nothing can change that, not even the fear that it could all end one day.
Not even the fear that death could take her away in any moment.
Nothing, Alex, nothing can take away what I feel about you.
—
ALEX
“So, I’m going to swing by and pick you up at 7:00.”
In the phone call, Rain has convinced me to go out with her, Liam and Keith, the guy who works with them at the pub.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“It’s just a dinner together so we don’t all have to be alone. Don’t worry.”
“It’s just that the whole idea makes me anxious.”
“Relax. Have you taken your medicine?”
“Rain,” I chastise her.
I hate it when she asks me that.
“I just wanted…”
“Don’t do it. Not you.”
“Okay, sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“See you tonight.”
I hang up with the feeling that this is not going to help me, that it won’t move me along at all and that I don’t want to get to know other guys and I’m not looking for a relationship.
What I want is just to be able to be with Jason, without destroying his life.
I sit down at the desk, feeling a bit defeated and turn on the computer. I go to Facebook to distract myself from my monotonous life, to look at other people’s photos, showing them happy and alive.
I notice that Aaron has been tagged in some pictures, so I go to his profile and start looking around until I see it: a picture of Jason with a girl in the background. I take a closer look and it sure seems to me that he’s got his arm around her.