by A. S. Kelly
I nod and Jason smiles and goes back to kissing me.
His lips are hot, soft and inviting. He is attentive, considerate and going slowly, perhaps too slowly. I’d like to bite him to let him know I’m ready, that I want him inside of me right now with no rethinking it.
I decide to take the initiative, because it’s true, we have all night, but my anxiety and the frustration my body is signaling to my brain are difficult to bear. I’ve waited so long and don’t want to wait any more.
So I put my hands on his shoulders and push him back and I try to sit up. He looks at me in confusion and is about to say something when I start to slowly undo his shirt buttons despite my shaky hands and blushing face.
As I slip it over his shoulders, his eyes become dark, intense, and I can finally see his desire to have my body as well as my heart.
I touch his chest, letting my fingers run over his tattoo, which is no longer hidden and let them drop to his perfect abdominal muscles. He keeps watching me and I can feel his eyes burning my skin as if he were just waiting for the right moment to take me.
I take my top off without hesitation, but then feel my embarrassment rising up, up through my arms and I wrap them abound myself, hiding.
“You’re beautiful, Alex, don’t hide from me please. Let me look at you.”
I relax at the sound of his words and take a deep breath to calm my anxiety. He caresses me, just brushing my left breast before stopping at my wild heartbeat. He opens his palm and rests it there, provoking something in me I’ve never felt before, something healthy and beautiful but not lethal.
Then, he takes me from behind my nape and pulls me to him. His lips are hot and attractive, they’re greedy and devour me without giving me time to think or reason, to even understand if this is really happening.
With the other hand, he caresses my back and stops at my bra clasp. He signs and unfastens it before letting it slide down my arm.
I pull back just slightly and shiver.
“Is everything okay?”
I nod and go back to him. He holds my face in both hands and kisses me again as if our future depended on it.
As if kissing me were the only way to keep me with him.
26
JASON
The sight of her body laid out in my arms makes me lose control.
I kiss her face, neck and shoulders. With every kiss, I inhale her sweet scent that leaves me feeling inebriated.
It’s something I’ll never forget.
I kiss her as if it were the only way for both of us to breathe. As if it were the only way to not let her slide away from me.
I kiss her every time our lips meet and they taste each other, and, as well, I feel the fear growing within me that every kiss could be the very last one.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself, pushed by desire to have her for myself, tonight and forever.
I’ve dreamed about it so many times that it doesn’t seem real. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and it’ll be just that: another dream, an illusion.
I touch her chest with my face and she breaks out in nervous laughter.
“Your beard!” she says.
I smile and continue kissing her with more passion this time because I’m not able to hold back the urgency I feel to have her and to be inside of her.
I caress her breasts, shaking like an idiot, running my fingers over her nipples that peak under my touch. I feel the heat exploding in me, excitement growing and with it the need to taste every part of her and it is getting the better of me.
So I draw my mouth down to her chest and gently bite her nipples a few times and rub them with my tongue and I feel them go erect under my touch. I grab them with my hands, pulling them to me, and I breath her in before tasting one and then the other, sucking and playing with her with my tongue and in the moment I take one between my teeth, Alex calls my name, arching her back, offering herself completely to me.
Her gesture is more than I can bear and so I lay on top of her pushing her down onto the bed.
She sighs my name repeatedly and every time I hear it, it’s enough to make me forget my own name.
I leave a trail of bites down her skin until arriving at her belt, which I open with my teeth and touch her stomach lightly with my lips and she quivers so hard I can feel it all over my body. I unbutton her jeans. She raises her hips to help me and I throw them to the floor.
I kneel on the bed and take a moment to watch her naked body lying on my bed and it’s an image I’ll have with me for the rest of my life.
“God, Alex…” I let it out, running my hands through my hair. “You can’t imagine what I’m feeling right now. Having you here, in my bed, in my arms…in my life…” I pause to regain control of my voice, hoping to avoid that shaking that people have right before they star crying, because I certainly cannot cry in front of naked Alex. But I am nervous, and excited and all shook up, as if I have never been with any woman until now.
And maybe that’s really how it is. I’ve had sex with other girls but I have never ever made love with a woman. A woman that I love. It’s like my first time.
“Show me,” she says in a whisper. “Show me what you’re feeling for me.”
And that’s what it takes to lose any shred of self control.
I stand up, take off my jeans and boxer shorts, and stand nude before her and she immediately blushes when she sees my erection. Then I come closer. I remove her underwear, taking in as much air as I can and then lay down on top of her.
“Are you…okay?” I can’t help but ask.
“Never been better.” She smiles. “Nothing bad is going to happen, Jason. I promise you.”
What an asshole I am. I need to be reassured by her when it should be the opposite.
I nod, incapable of talking because my throat is completely blocked off by tears and emotion.
I caress her face and begin kissing her again, leaving aside any misgivings and fear because right now all she needs is my confidence, my sense of calm and all of my love.
It’s her first time and I want it to be perfect.
I let my hand slide down her body, I caress her side before going between her legs. At the first touch she shudders and I stop to let herself calm down and to understand if this is really what she wants. When I see her chest slow down, I begin again, touching her most intimate parts with my fingers.
Alex arches her back again and sighs, opening her legs to me. I put myself between her hot, excited thighs, touching her delicately to get her used to this new sensation, to this pleasure that’s about to explode within her.
“Don’t stop,” she says.
“Anything you want,” I reply, going down, leaving a trail of kisses on her skin. When I get to her inner thigh, she lets out a frustrated sigh that moves through me.
I can’t hold back.
I replace my hand with my mouth. I want to give her everything, I want her to feel it all.
With me.
Only with me.
Alex grabs my hair forcefully. I let her, she can pull it all out for all I care. I want her to enjoy this.
I play with her, delicately and attentively, taking all the time in the world to taste every moment together, to feel her shaking under me.
After a few seconds she relaxes her legs and her grip on my hair becomes less furious than it was so I try to give it to her as passionately as I can to make her come with my mouth, with my tongue and my lips.
I feel her quivering under me, she is eager and excited, I can hear her panting before yelling my name and pulling my head down harder towards her genitals as her body is rocked by spasms.
I stop for a few seconds to wait for her breathing to go back to normal, then I go back to her lips and she keeps her eyes closed.
“Hey…” I whisper. “Is?”
“It’s great. I’m great, Jason. For the love of God, don’t ask me again.”
She opens her eyes and touches my face with both of her hands, drawing me to he
r.
“It’s just…this is the first time for me. It’s new and strange but perfectly wonderful.”
“I’m here for you, Alex. Ask me for anything and it will be yours,” I tell her, smiling devilishly.
“I need you right now. I need to feel you inside of me.”
Fuck.
The determination in her eyes and the sureness of her voice leave no room for wavering or doubt.
She wants me.
And I’ve been wanting her my whole fucking life.
Our bodies join and our souls intertwine.
I lose myself completely in her.
And I have no intention of ever being found.
—
ALEX
He enters me slowly, holding himself up on his hands that are planted on the pillow, beside my head. My body instantly goes rigid. I close my eyes forcefully and inhale deeply to calm the pain and the panic that is assaulting me.
I’m making love with a man.
I’m making love with Jason.
He stops for a few seconds and I can feel him shaking.
“Is everything okay? Have I done anything?”
I shake my head without having the courage to look at him. He kisses the corner of my mouth and whispers: “Open your eyes, Alex.”
I do as he asks. My eyes lock in with his and everything I’ve been afraid of all these years, the suffering, the tears, all of it disappears in the moment it takes to read the love in his eyes.
“I’ve been in love with you my whole life, Alex McBride. I would never hurt you and if this isn’t what you want…”
I put my finger on his mouth to make him stop. I caress his back and slide my hands down to his bottom to encourage him to move again.
“Christ…” he lets out as he starts moving within me once more.
He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths and then speaks to me sweetly. “You just have to relax a bit and breathe deeply. You are with me, Alex. It’s me and you, okay? Trust me.”
I relax my legs and grab onto his back with my nails, clenching my teeth, trying not to think about the burning sensation between my legs.
He moves inside of me slowly, sighing heavily with every thrust. He’s holding back for me, it’s sweet and tender and I couldn’t love him any more than I do right now.
He comes closer still and rests his elbows hear my head and touches my face with his beard, whispering in my ear all the things I’ve dreamt about hearing all these years and that I’ve only dreamt about, hoped for and imagined.
My body responds to his sweetness, rising under him; I let myself be guided by his reassuring words as he swears eternal love to me, telling me that nothing will happen to me because he won’t let it.
And I believe him, I want to believe him, I need to believe in the confidence he has because after tonight, I couldn’t even imagine not having his kisses, his touch.
I can’t even fathom the idea of losing all of this again, forever.
I don’t want to give him up, I don’t want to give us up and all that we could have.
He continues saying my name as he brings me with him to a world that I didn’t know existed, a world made of love, reciprocity, tenderness and happiness.
A world without crazy hearts, without palpitations, without fear of death’s imminent shadow weighing over our heads.
And as I am absorbed in this fantasy that is restoring life to my hands, my body slowly gets used to him being inside of it, opening to him, offering him everything I have.
His pushing becomes more intense and deep and I listen to his noises every time he thrusts, igniting this passion that intermixes with this unconditional sentiment I feel for this man who is giving me everything I’ve always wanted.
I let the excitement grow and build in my body and experience something I never have before and that I would like to do again with him every day.
I let my head fall back into the pillow and my body shakes with his and my name rings out in the room, probably the whole house, which, until now has been quiet.
His hot body presses against mine, his face rests in my neck and I feel a warm wetness that I recognize right away. I turn my head to look for his eyes and I feel him shaking over me.
“Jason?” I call him. “Is everything—”
“No,” he answers hoarsely before slowly coming out of me, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness.
He falls to one side and opens his eyes and looks at me seriously, as if to tell me something that might break my heart.
“I’m not ready…I’ll never be ready to lose you,” he concludes, breaking into a desperate cry.
He covers his face with his hands to hide his anguish but I want him to vent it, so that he lets it all out and doesn’t keep it in, trying to pretend he feels a serenity he doesn’t.
I gently move his hands away from his face and smile at him, trying to seem calm myself.
“I’m sorry,” he says, grabbing me by the hips and pulling me to him. He holds me so tightly I can barely breathe.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t want to…”
“Shhh…everything’s okay.”
“No, it’s not true,” he replies, taking my face again in his hands. His eyes are veiled and worried, but splendid and sincere as always.
“I shouldn’t have fallen apart like that, in front of you. What I felt when I was inside of you, Alex, when I felt so close to you, you were so mine…it was too intense and it just pushed me over the edge. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“Please stop it. We can’t pretend like nothing’s going on.”
He nods in resignation.
“We have to be prepared.”
“Alex, you know that I’m not able to do that, right? I will never be prepared for something like that to happen. Not just because I lost my mother, because I’m still reeling from it…it’s because I’m not able to lose you. Please, tell me you’re not planning on dying.”
“Jason—”
“I need to hear you say that you’re not going to leave me here alone. Tell me that you’ll stay, forever, because I cannot live without you. I’m selfish and weak because I’m here begging you not to die and I’m doing it for myself because I can’t imagine not seeing you every day, and I’m embarrassed by it, believe me. But I can’t help it. If you leave, Alex, I’m going with you.”
Jason isn’t breaking my heart. He is opening my heart and is extracting it directly from my chest.
27
JASON
I fell apart after having made love to Alex for the first time. What kind of man does that?
What I felt as our bodies were together was frighteningly intense. The worst part of it is, I now know that I couldn’t do without it. I knew that once our souls were joined they wouldn’t be able to go on separately. And I don’t know what will happen to me if she…
After my stupid confession I tried to get control back and take care of her. I went to the bathroom and wet a towel and brought it back to her. She was waiting for me on the bed, a bit embarrassed.
I sat next to her and ran the towel between her legs. She smiled timidly, biting her lip and I felt like I could die from the intimacy of it.
I laid down next to her and I held her tight almost all night. I caressed every centimeter of her skin with shaking fingers and lips wet by tears to imprint every detail of her into my memory. We stayed like that, naked—our bodies still warm and alert but full of a sweetness that opened my heart in two.
I let myself go and I said things I felt and I was wrong because I’ve put her in a difficult condition which is even harder and more pitiful than the one she was already in. There was no need to add anything to her worries.
At a certain point, I think I must have fallen asleep because now I am woken by dawn’s first light with a light background music.
I will be your guardian… When all is crumbling… I steady your hand.
I get up and look around me and the empty s
pace she has left there. I jump to my feet in confusion, rubbing my eyes with my hands. I look around until I find a figure wrapped in a sheet sitting by the window. I go to her and kiss her neck.
“Hi. I woke you.”
“Not important.”
“I felt like listening to some music,” she says without looking away from the foggy window.
Don’t let me go… Don’t let me go.
“Alex…”
She looks at me with a sad smile.
We’re falling apart and coming together again and again… We’re growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I don’t know where it came from. I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Everything’s alright.”
Don’t let me go… Don’t let me go.
“No, Alex, everything isn’t fine and I wish you’d stop saying that. We have to be honest and…prepared. I know, it’s just….it’s so difficult, do you understand? We have wasted so many years and I’ll never forgive myself for it. But my heart, Alex, has always been yours and always will be, no matter what.”
Her eyes fill with tears and her lip starts to shake. I take her chin in my hand and bring it to my mouth.
“I won’t let you go. I promise.”
I’ve always been an honest person. I’ve never made promises that I couldn’t keep. I don’t lead people on and I don’t take on something I’m not able to finish.
And for this woman, who is slowly dying in my arms I would be ready to do anything, say anything that would help her and make her believe she can do it. That we can do it, together.
She needs me to support her now and needs for me to say that I won’t go anywhere and I’ll be there with her, forever.
What she doesn’t need is a man who doesn’t know how to reassure her, protect her, keep her safe and love her like she deserves to be loved. Someone who breaks out in tears after they’ve made love for the first time, done in by the emotion and fear of it all.
She doesn’t need for me to tell her that if things go badly I’ll have no reason to live.