Monsterbook: Pongdollop and the School Stink

by Michael Broad

  Urk took a deep breath, tiptoed forward, and was about to grab the glass when the spotty mountain of monster made a great snuffling sound. Suddenly, Pongdollop tumbled over like a rolling landslide and the little monster leapt back as a sleep-slithering tentacle scooped up the glass.

  Urk and Will froze and watched with horror as a single eyelid slowly opened.

  Luckily, the eyelid was the second from the left, so there was nothing inside but a big black hole. It twitched a couple of times and then closed again as the monster resumed snoring.

  ‘What do we do now?’ Will gasped, looking at the glass held firmly in the tentacle’s grip. Urk was watching the glass too, but his eyes had glazed over and his mouth had dropped open in fright. Will knew it was up to him to get his hands on the eye.

  ‘And all I have are forks,’ he sighed, and then raised a curious eyebrow.

  Will crept forward and peered into the glass, where the Evil Eye bobbed up and down like a pickled onion in a jar of vinegar, then he lifted a fork and speared it with one well-aimed jab.

  ‘Urgh!’ he shuddered, peering at the yellow squidgy ball.

  Creeping away from the sleeping monster, Will quickly steered the zombie Urk out of the Gigantica Suite. He closed the door and sighed heavily, relieved to have the Evil Eye and that his friend had closed his mouth and was blinking again.

  ‘We did it!’ Will whispered, waving the eye triumphantly. ‘We actually did it!

  ‘You actually did what?’ said a raspy voice at their feet.

  Will and Urk looked down at the yawning Underling. The Underling looked at Will, then he looked at Urk, and finally he looked at the Evil Eye on the end of Will’s fork. His own beady eyes grew larger as he pieced it all together.

  Will quickly whipped the fork behind his back, but it was too late.

  ‘MASTER!’ yelled the Underling, scrabbling for the door.

  Will and Urk bolted down the spiral stairs three at a time, the floors of the hotel whizzing by in a blur of panic. When they eventually hit the foyer, the pair screeched to a halt and sauntered casually past the reception desk.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Urk, waving at the receptionist.

  ‘Lovely hotel,’ added Will.

  Back on the street they started running again, and they kept running until they reached the edge of Monster City. There they slowed to a fast walk through the Fungus Forest and back into the tunnels.

  The moment he stepped from the wardrobe into his room, Will flicked away the forks, threw off the rag and scratched his itchy head like a fleabag dog. Everything around him looked really bright and clean compared to the mucky murkiness of Monsterland.

  ‘Phew!’ he sighed. ‘I can’t believe we just did that!’

  ‘Stealing the eye?’ said Urk, picking up the fork with Pongdollop’s Evil Eye harpooned on the end and frowning at the swirly evilness. Something was troubling him, but he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what.

  ‘No, saving the world!’ Will gasped. ‘We just saved the world from a mad smelly monster!’

  ‘Yeah, I guess we did,’ said Urk, popping the eye into his rucksack. ‘Don’t you think it was a bit easy, though?’

  Will considered everything they’d been through in the last couple of hours, including Big Ugly Jennie spit on his head and dog-poo buildings and a roaring Octapongus and scrapping buffets and massive sisters and wee-wee dodging and eyeball kebabs …

  ‘No,’ he said eventually. ‘I don’t think it was easy at all.’

  ‘I don’t mean that,’ said Urk. ‘I just think it’s a bit strange that all we had to do was nab the Evil Eye, then Pongdollop waddles back to the Outer Regions and we’ve saved the school from a smelly uprising.’

  ‘Well, we’re OK for about a year,’ said Will. ‘That’s how long the Monsterbook said it takes to make an Evil Eye, assuming Pongdollop can be bothered to wait that long again.’

  ‘But why did he wait that long in the first place?’ said Urk. ‘Octapongi are meant to be lazy.’

  ‘Maybe he got bored?’ Will suggested.

  ‘I guess so,’ said Urk, pulling on his rucksack and heading for the wardrobe. ‘Same time tomorrow, then?’

  ‘You bring the book and I’ll bring the crisps,’ said Will.

  The boy watched as Urk disappeared through the hidden doorway, then he closed the door, kicked off his muddy trainers and collapsed on to the bed. A very short time later he was fast asleep.

  9

  ‘Pssssst!’

  Will was tired the next day at school. He was also very bored with how normal everything was after the excitement of his adventure in Monsterland. At break time he sat on a bench and watched his classmates, feeling quite proud that he’d stopped Pongdollop from squirting them all with Stink Ink.

  ‘Pssssst!’ said a voice beside him.

  Will looked around, saw nothing and decided his late night was making him imagine things.

  ‘PSSSSST!!!’ said the voice again, but louder this time.

  Will looked closer and saw a pair of eyes peering out at him from the gap in the litterbin.

  He leapt back with an embarrassingly high-pitched squeal.

  ‘It’s me!’ whispered a familiar voice. ‘Urk.’

  Will quickly took a seat next to the bin and tried to look casual.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he hissed. ‘Someone might see you.’

  ‘We’re in trouble!’ said Urk, pushing the Monsterbook through the gap in the bin. Will glanced around the playground to make sure no one was looking before he took it.

  ‘Look at the “Evil Eye” section,’ said Urk.

  ‘We read that last night,’ said Will, flicking through.

  ‘Yeah, I thought so too,’ said Urk. ‘But I was so sure we’d missed something that I read it again this morning and found something important.’

  Will found the page and quickly scanned the text.

  ‘What?’ he said. ‘I can’t see anything different …’

  ‘The small print at the bottom,’ said Urk.

  Will lifted the book up to his face and was about to say ‘What small print?’ when he found a few lines of tiny text that at first glance looked like a smudge at the bottom of the page.

  Most Evil Eye manufacturers will provide you with a spare Evil Eye as they are easily lost or stolen. Do not be tempted to wear more than one Evil Eye for extra evilness! Wearing multiple Evil Eyes is very dangerous!

  ‘Uh oh!’ said Will, lowering the book and scanning the playground.

  It was then that he noticed something odd, or rather someone odd. There was a strange woman walking through the school gate, and she was holding the hand of a girl in a very large bonnet.

  Will couldn’t decide why the

  woman looked so odd, until she waddled into the playground and he noticed that one of her eyes was yellow and swirly and very evil-looking!

  ‘How do you think Pongdollop will get to the surface?’ Will asked the litterbin.

  ‘Er, he’ll probably shrivel down and squeeze into a rubber fleshblob suit,’ said Urk. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘Because I’m pretty sure he’s already here!’ said Will, nodding towards the woman and the girl. ‘We have to find a way to clear the playground!’

  ‘That I can do,’ said Urk, and began climbing out through the gap in the litterbin.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Will gasped.

  ‘Clearing the playground.’

  ‘But everyone will see you!’

  ‘That’s the plan,’ said Urk, brushing crisp bags and sweet wrappers from his shoulders and flicking an apple core off his head. ‘It’s better they see me than smell the great and mighty Pongdollop!’

  Urk arched his head back, opened his mouth as wide as it would go and then roared at the top of his voice. It was a very impressive roar, especially coming from such a small monster.

  Everyone in the playground froze, looked around, and then stampeded into the school, shrieking and screaming and waving their arms.
It reminded Will of a bad monster movie, one where a crowd runs away from a giant killer turnip.

  ‘Wow!’ he said enthusiastically. Until he realized they were now alone in the playground with the angry-looking Pongdollop lady and the peculiar girl, who looked suspiciously Underling-shaped!

  10

  Lady Balloon Head

  The Underling skipped over to the school fountain, pressed a finger over the spout and sent a jet of water across the playground towards the Pongdollop lady.

  Under the flow of water Pongdollop’s rubber mask began to swell like a balloon, stretching the features like a freaky fairground mirror. The head balloon expanded to twice the size of the body before the rubber finally burst with a BANG! Pongdollop’s massive head popped out and wobbled above the tiny body – a tiny body wearing a dress and holding a handbag.

  ‘GRRRR!’ growled Pongdollop, waving his handbag at Will and Urk.

  Moments later, the body began to make squelchy noises as it too began swelling and swaying and eventually toppled over. Like a beetle on its back, the arms and legs wiggled, growing longer and fatter until each one pinged into the air like fleshy rubber bands. Pongdollop had tucked two tentacles into each limb, and they now writhed wildly, swelling and lifting him upright.

  The Underling child abandoned the fountain, threw off his pink dress and the bonnet that hid the hump, and scuttled across the playground. He leapt on to one of Pongdollop’s tentacles and scaled the side of the monster’s head. There he whispered something into a giant crusty hole.

  ‘YOU STOLE MY EVIL EYE?’ roared Pongdollop, glaring at Will and Urk.

  The pair exchanged panicked glances.

  ‘What do we do now?’ yelled Will.

  ‘RUN!’ yelled Urk.

  Charging across the playground, Will led them round to the back of the school. He wasn’t sure where he was going, and he wasn’t sure he cared as long as it was away from Pongdollop!

  Pongdollop charged after them with the Underling perched on his head, shouting encouragement. The octapongus was roaring and growling and gaining on them very quickly, so Will grabbed Urk’s arm and dragged him through the double doors of the canteen. It was too early for the canteen staff to be preparing for lunch and the only place in the school with no kids to get squirted.

  Pongdollop tried to follow them and knocked the Underling flying as he attempted to squeeze his fat head through the door. He got halfway through and then became wedged in the doorframe, which made him even angrier.

  ‘GRRRR!’ he growled, inching himself further into the canteen with a series of energetic thrusts and grunts. His body made horrible squelchy sounds as it squidged through the hole.

  ‘I didn’t think he’d get through that gap,’ gasped Will.

  ‘Well, at least it’s slowed him down,’ said Urk, grabbing the Monsterbook and flicking through it frantically. The young monster returned to the ‘Evil Eye’ page and scratched his head. Will saw another smudge below the small print that looked like more small print, but on closer inspection it was just a smudge.

  Urk was thinking about Evil Eyes and suddenly remembered a cautionary tale the little monsters were told in Basic Boo. He quickly went to the ‘Horrible History’ section of the book until he found what he wanted.

  11

  Stinky Squirty Showdown

  Just as they finished reading ‘The Lesson of Lililump’, Pongdollop burst through the door with a massive grunt. The Underling scuttled after him, red-faced and exhausted from shoving his master’s bottom from the other side.

  Pongdollop slithered to the centre of the canteen while Urk and Will backed away until they hit the wall. The Octapongus gave a jagged sneer as he rose up on two tentacles, bearing his entire underbelly.

  ‘YUCK!’ said Will, waving a hand in front of his nose as the odour filled his nostrils. ‘What on earth are those?’

  Dangling from Pongdollop’s underbelly were eight black sacks that throbbed and steamed, giving off a putrid stench that would make the filthiest skunk blush with embarrassment.

  ‘Those are his pus-sacks!’ coughed Urk, choking on the fumes.

  ‘Cower before me, puny fleshblob and traitor monster!’ Pongdollop boomed, bobbing up and down to pump up the pus-sacks before aiming them straight at Will and Urk.

  Urk threw the book down and rummaged in the rucksack behind his back.

  ‘Are you any good at throwing?’ he whispered to Will.

  ‘Um, I’m OK, I guess,’ Will frowned. ‘But I think we have more important things to worry about at the moment!’

  Urk passed him the Evil Eye behind his back.

  ‘You only have one shot!’ the monster whispered gravely. ‘And you need to get it in the Evil Eye socket. Then he’ll be wearing two and hopefully his head will explode or something!’

  ‘Are you sure it won’t just make him twice as evil?’ asked Will. ‘Because he’s pretty evil already and I don’t want to make him worse.’

  ‘Have you got a better idea?’ Urk shrugged.

  Will didn’t have a better idea, so he swallowed hard and sized up the weight of the squidgy eyeball in his hand. The feel of the eye and the stench of Pongdollop’s pus-sacks made him feel quite queasy, but he tried to concentrate.

  He focused on the Evil Eye that was now glaring at him.

  ‘WHAT S THAT!’ roared Pongdollop, flexing all eight pus-sacks until they swivelled round and pointed directly at the boy.

  ‘What’s what?’ asked Will innocently.

  ‘The traitor monster gave you something!’ he snarled. ‘I want to see it!

  ‘You want to see it?’ said Will.

  ‘YES!’ growled Pongdollop.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘I DEMAND TO SEE –’ boomed Pongdollop, but he didn’t get to finish before Will swung his arm wide and lobbed the squidgy eyeball with all his might at the monster.

  Will and Urk watched in slow motion as the yellow swirly eye sailed through the air towards Pongdollop. But he lurched back at the last minute and the eyeball stuck firmly in his crusty right earhole!

  ‘Uh oh!’ said Will and Urk at the same time.

  Pongdollop frowned, twitched and tilted his head as the Evil Eye swivelled in his ear. Then he glared at Urk and Will with three regular eyes, the spare Evil Eye second on the left, and the peculiar evil ear eye on the right.

  The Octapongus looked very odd, but also definitely more evil than before, twice as evil in fact.

  ‘HA! HA! HA!’ he boomed as the extra evil swirled around his brain.

  Pongdollop bobbed up and down again like a grim jelly, aimed his pus-sacks at Will and Urk, squeezed hard – and then slumped in a big fat smelly heap. A small ring of smoke rose from the empty earhole on the left.

  ‘Squirt them, master! Squirt them now!’ yelled the Underling as he scuttled up Pongdollop’s back and on to his head.

  The Underling peered down at the fallen dribbling monster, plucked out the two Evil Eyes and sighed heavily. Then he glared at the stupid expression on Pongdollop’s face and stamped his foot angrily on his head.

  ‘ARRRRRGGGGH!’ growled the Underling .

  Will and Urk exchanged confused glances.

  ‘Do you know how long it took me to turn this BIG STUPID LUMP into something great and mighty?’ he yelled, jumping up and down with fury on Pongdollop’s sleeping head.

  ‘You?’ Will and Urk said together.

  ‘YES, ME!’ roared the Underling. ‘This USELESS HEAP couldn’t even wipe his own bottom before I came along, he was …’ The Underling thought about it for a moment and then got very angry again. ‘ … He was just like this! A DROOLING, DRIBBLING BLOB!’

  ‘HA! HA! HA!’ laughed Will and Urk together, and Pongdollop looked pretty happy too, in a dumb, dribbly kind of way.

  The Underling rolled his eyes, scuttled down the nearest tentacle and disappeared into the storeroom of the canteen. He returned moments later with a large tub of salt and began circling the fallen monster, shaking the sa
lt all over him.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked Will.

  ‘Well, I won’t get him home this size, will I?’ he grumbled, as Pongdollop began to shrink. His tentacles shrivelled inwards and his massive head went down like a wrinkled balloon.

  ‘That’s how the big monsters get into fleshblob suits,’ whispered Urk. ‘They’re mostly made of water and the salt makes them shrink.’

  When Pongdollop had shrivelled to a manageable size, the Underling heaved a tentacle over his shoulder and dragged the shrunken Octapongus across the canteen, leaving a wet slimy trail along the floor.

  ‘Don’t think this is the end of it!’ he panted, straining with the weight. ‘In a couple of years I’ll have him looking great and mighty again, then you two had better watch out!’

  And with this the Underling and the saggy Pongdollop disappeared into the nearest hidden doorway, which was conveniently located behind a large potted fern in the corner of the canteen.

  12

  Mad Monster Dog

  That night, Urk stepped from the wardrobe and plonked his rucksack on Will’s cluttered desk.

  ‘BOO!’ he said.

  ‘ARGH!’ said Will, glancing up from the newspaper. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I’m glad to say nothing,’ smiled Urk. ‘You?’

  ‘Something even more terrifying than Pongdollop!’ warned Will, and read the headline from the newspaper aloud. ‘ “FEROCIOUS MAD DOG TERRORIZES CHILDREN!”,’ he said with a worried look on his face.