“Yes, but I don’t think I can,” I said softly. “I don’t think I can stay here anymore, Julia.”
“Honey, you don’t have a choice.” She brushed my hair back. “Even if your dad said you could move back, would you really want to? Do you really want to have Nora telling you she told you so, and trying to convince you to give your baby away? Because I don’t want that for you.”
“I don’t think we’re going to be able to get through this,” I whispered, wiping tears that insisted on falling from my face. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get over this.”
“Whatever it is can be worked out, Lainey. Do you think Ned and I have always been happy?”
“Yes,” I admitted. They got along better than any couple I had ever seen, better than any couple I could ever imagine getting along. Even with his work taking him away all the time, they always seemed so pleased with each other, so comfortable. I couldn’t imagine Julia in my position, crying because their relationship was over, because they’d gone somewhere that could never go back from.
She laughed softly. “Well then, you’re wrong. No relationship is perfect, Lainey. No two people are always happy with the other, and no one lives a life where they don’t sometimes hurt the people they love. I’ m not going to make you tell me what’s going on, but if you need to get it off your chest, I’m here. Do you understand?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“And I want you to unpack all of this, okay? No more thoughts of moving out. This is your home now.” She kissed my temple and then got up to leave.
“There’s plenty of food downstairs. If you’re hungry, come down or call for me and I’ll bring you up something. I want you to eat at least something small before bed. The baby needs it, even if you feel like you don’t.”
“Okay,” I repeated, my voice so small I could barely hear it.
Julia smiled and I tried to force myself smile back. “Everything’s going to be okay, Lainey. Trust me on that.” She closed the door behind her and I heard her footsteps disappearing down the hall. I wished I could believe her, but never in my life had anything ever been so far from okay.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I called Scott first thing Friday morning to drive me to school, and managed to get out of the house without Adam noticing. I steered clear of him all day at school, opting to go to the library instead of the cafeteria during lunch period, and after school I went back to Scott’s house with Hannah.
Hannah tried to talk to me about it, but I refused to. Normally she would be the first person I’d turned to, but this was different. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. This was too personal, and too painful. I wanted to keep it to myself, hold it as close as I could, in hopes of smothering it.
Adam called and texted me throughout the evening, but I ignored each and every one, deleting the texts before I bothered reading them. There was nothing he could say that was going to change this.
Julia and Ned never informed me of a curfew, but Hannah still had hers, and I went with Scott to drop her off.
“Do you want to just spend the night here?” She asked as she was getting out of the truck. “All I’d have to do is push the beds apart and it would be like old times.” There was something hopeful in her voice, but I declined. I knew she’d try to pry more information out of me, and I didn’t want to have to keep dodging her questions.
Scott and I spent an hour driving around Haven, not really talking. Finally, after about an hour, it started to rain and he told me he needed to get home and there was no way his parents were going to let me sleep there. “Do you want to go back to the bed and breakfast?” He asked. “You can call Hannah on the way.”
I shook my head. “No, just take me home.” I decided, and cringed as the word ‘home’ left my lips. Adam used to feel like home.
“Just remember, you don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want,” Scott reminded me. “You don’t owe him anything.”
I placed a hand over my still-tiny bump and nodded. That much was true.
I wasn’t surprised to find Adam sitting at the bottom step outside his house, waiting my return. The rain was coming down harder, and he was drenched. Part of me almost felt sorry for him, but I quickly pushed that aside. He had done this to himself.
I sat there in the truck for a minute, staring at him and wondering what I should do. I needed to go up the steps to get into the house, and couldn’t really walk past him and act like he wasn’t there.
“Do you want me to walk you to the door?” Scott offered.
I considered it, but shook my head. “No, that will just start another fight, and I’m too tired for an argument.”
“You’re sure?”
I turned to Scott and smiled. “Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you, for everything.”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me, Lainey. To be honest, I enjoyed it.” He smiled sheepishly. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” I admitted.
He glanced away for a moment, and cleared his throat. “Look, Lainey, um, I know that you’re in a situation right now where dating probably isn’t even on your radar, but if you and Adam really do break up… I’m here, okay? I mean, as a friend. Or more, if you think that’s something you’d want again.”
I felt my heart speed up. I wasn’t that surprised, hearing those words, but it was unsettling, all the same. I reached for his hand, and he let me take it. “I’m sorry I hurt you before,” I told him.
He nodded. “I know you are. I’m sorry I was so mad at you for so long after.”
“I’m just glad you don’t hate me anymore.”
He smiled slightly. “I could never really hate you,” he admitted. “If anything, I still care entirely too much.”
“It feels good knowing someone cares.” I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him. It was an awkward hug, but it felt good, being that close to another person. I pulled away and brushed a few strands of his curly black hair from his eyes. “Have a good rest of your night, okay?”
“You, too. And Lainey? Think about what I said. Really.”
I nodded and let myself out of the car, giving him a small wave before turning and facing Adam.
He was standing up by the time I got to the steps. “Where were you?” He demanded.
“Out.” I replied, trying to step around him, but he blocked my path.
“So we get into one argument and you go back to your old boyfriend? I’m not too clear on how that works.”
“We didn’t get into an argument, Adam. You purposely kept something major from me, and I found out.” I tried to sidestep around him, but he was faster, blocking me.
“So, what? That ends everything?”
“Yeah. I think maybe it does.” I’d gone over it in my head all day and all the night before, and there was no other response. I couldn’t feel the same way about him again. I couldn’t even look at him right now without it hurting.
He bit his lower lip and looked away for a second, just long enough for me to step around him and hurry up the steps. He followed close behind.
“You’re not breaking up with me,” he told me as we entered the house. I ignored him, hurrying up the stairs and into my bedroom. I tried to close and lock the door, but Adam stuck his arm in before I could, and squeezed in.
“That isn’t for you to decide,” I told him, removing my wet jacket and throwing it on the floor. That wasn’t like me, but I didn’t care. Let the room get messy; my life already was.
“You’re pregnant, Lainey,” He reminded me, as if I’d somehow forgotten.
“What does that have to do with anything? Oh, besides the fact that it isn’t the first time for you.”
“What happened with Natalie doesn’t count.”
I rolled my eyes. “How do you figure?”
“How would it? Do you see her here right now? Do you see me having a kid anywhere? She got an abortion, Lainey, and completely left me out of the decision, and then she left. It happe
ned a long time ago, and it’s over. I don’t know why you don’t understand that.”
“Maybe I would have if I’d heard it from you, months ago.” I turned to face him, arms crossed over my chest. I wasn’t backing down, not this time. I was tired of backing down from people. Nora, my dad, Maggie. I wasn’t going to back down from Adam, too.
“I screwed up, okay?” He was shouting now, and I was taken aback. Adam and I had had our arguments in the past, but he’d never raised his voice at me. “I made a mistake with Natalie, I made a mistake with you, and I made another mistake by not telling you about it, so yeah, I screwed up. I’m not perfect, but I don’t remember claiming to be. But I’m not going to sit here and let you break up with me and run back to Scott Foster of all people because of it!”
“That’s not for you to decide!” I shouted back. It felt good, almost exhilarating, to yell at him. He stepped closer to me, and I didn’t step back. I was going to win this argument, if it was the last thing I did.
“Fine, then what are you going to do exactly, Lainey? Where are you going to go? How the hell do you expect to raise a baby without me and without a family to help you? Explain that to me.”
“I never wanted this, Adam.” I reminded him in a low voice. “I didn’t want to do this. I did it for you.”
“So you’re really going to go there.” He was nodding his head slowly, his eyes steely and darker than ever.
“Go where? It’s the truth, Adam. That day on the beach, when I told you I didn’t think I wanted to go through with this, you talked me into it; you practically guilt-tripped me into it. And look where it lead us.”
“It’s always going to come back on me, isn’t it? Every time you’re mad at me, you’re going to throw it in my face about how I ruined your life. That’s fine, Lainey. Because if you really feel that way, then you’re more like your mother than I ever thought.” He turned to go, and something in me shifted.
I picked up a book that I’d left laying on my bed and threw it at him. It hit him in the back of the head and then fell onto the floor, making a louder sound than I’d anticipated. He stopped in his tracks, not moving or saying a word.
I clapped my hand over my mouth, unable to believe what I’d just done. I was immediately filled with remorse, but stood frozen, unsure of how to apologize or even if I should.
Adam turned around slowly, a look of disbelief mixed with anger on his face. “What the hell, Lainey?”
“Just leave,” I whispered. But he didn’t. Instead, he walked towards me and I felt myself flinch.
“I’m not going to hit you,” he said, his voice still full of anger and a little bit of hurt. “I would never do that.”
“You compared me to my mother. I’d rather you hit me.”
“You’re a mother who doesn’t want their child. Explain to me where the comparison is off.”
I raised my hand, preparing to slap him. He grabbed my wrist and held it before it reached his face. “Stop it,” he warned me in a low voice. “Don’t raise your hand at me.”
“Get out,” I said through clenched teeth. “Get out, now.”
We stared at each for what felt like hours, neither of us backing down, neither of us doing so much as blinking. And then he kissed me.
It was shocking at first, the sudden feel of his lips pressed against mine. I tried to push him away, but he only pushed himself closer, to the point where I fell backwards, onto the bed. He climbed over me, kissing me harder, and I felt myself responding, almost against my will.
We kissed hungrily, as if we needed each other just to survive. I found myself tugging at his shirt until it came off, and then I ran my hands down his bare back. His skin felt cold and clammy, probably from sitting out in the rain all evening, waiting for me. He felt so familiar, and that hurt. He was everything to me, and still a stranger, all the same.
He reached for his belt buckle and I placed my hands over his, stopping him. This was wrong. He met my eyes, questioning me without words. He leaned closer to me, kissing me more gently this time, but with the same hunger as before. He took both of my hands and entwined them in his, holding them up near my head, pinning me down.
“I’m never going to let you leave,” he whispered in my ear before trailing kisses down my neck and over my chest. He lifted his head again so that we were perfectly eye to eye. “I love you way too much to lose you.”
He released my hands and I pressed both of them against his face. He closed his eyes and I took him in, realizing maybe for the first time how vulnerable he was, behind those dark eyes and that bright smile. How much my leaving could really devastate him. I didn’t want to be that responsible for someone else’s feelings. I didn’t want to matter that much.
This time it was me who reached for his belt buckle, who initiated our bodies to unite. The action itself was no different than any other time before, but the feeling during and after was something I couldn’t really describe. A completeness, maybe.
Afterwards I didn’t rush back into my clothing like I always had before, and instead laid my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, still so fast at first, and then finally slowing. I breathed in the smell of him, the sandalwood and rain all blended together.
We were quiet for a long time, his hand running lazily through my hair and down my back, and finally I spoke. “I’m sorry I threw a book at you.”
Adam laughed a familiar, comforting laugh. “It’s okay. I deserved it.”
“You really did,” I agreed, smiling despite myself. “You should have never compared me to my mother.”
With his other hand, he lifted my chin, bringing my eyes to his face. He looked solemn. “I never meant that, Lainey. You’re nothing like her. I’m so sorry.”
I kissed him, sealing his apology and my forgiveness. “Do you think the baby knows when we’re angry at each other?” I asked suddenly.
“I have no idea. I’m sure he feels whatever you’re feeling.”
“He?”
Adam grinned down at me, flashing those perfect white teeth. “Yeah, he. You’re going to name him after me, right?”
I snuggled closer to him, smiling against his skin. “That’s not likely,” I said.
“I’ll change your mind,” he promised, brushing his lips across the top of my head. “I always do.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Maggie and Nolan began dating in the middle of January.
No one was expecting it. They’d always flirted at school, but it seemed innocent, if flirting could ever really be considered innocent. But then one day there they were, walking down the hallway hand in hand, Maggie smiling from ear to ear.
Adam was the one who broke the news to me, although he didn’t seem any more pleased by the situation than I was. Maggie and Nolan dating meant she was going to be around a lot more, and if there was anything I knew for sure when it came to Adam and Maggie, it was that he genuinely didn’t like her.
It was my instinct to try and shield Hannah from the news, but that proved futile. When I got to the cafeteria the afternoon they became official, I could see from the look on her face that she’d already been alerted.
“He isn’t worth it, Hannah,” I said immediately as I sat down. “He isn’t good enough for you.”
“I’m going to have to agree with Lainey on this one,” Adam agreed. “Nolan’s an ass.”
Scott joined us soon after, and an awkward exchange of eye contact happened between him and Adam. It had been two weeks since Scott’s half-attempt at reconciliation, and although things had remained friendly between us, it still felt awkward sometimes.
“Don’t say a word,” Hannah warned him.
Scott raised his eyebrows. “Okay?”
“She doesn’t want you to tell her that you told her so about Nolan,” I advised him, receiving a warning glance of my own.
“Nolan?” Scott repeated. “What did he do now?”
“He’s dating that witch Maggie.” Hannah said angrily. “As in, a
ctually dating, weeks after he told Lainey he didn’t want anything serious.”
“Well if you don’t want anything serious, Maggie seems like the perfect girl to date,” Scott remarked. “No offense,” he added, glancing at Adam.
“None taken,” Adam muttered.
“She’s not even that pretty,” Hannah complained. “Seriously. And she’s such a bitch.”
“We all know, Hannah,” I said sympathetically. “But maybe this will help you realize that Nolan isn’t all that great, either.” It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was what she needed to hear.
“Maybe you should try to focus on someone else,” Adam suggested. “There’s this guy I used to talk to a lot on my track team, Eric. He’s pretty cool.”
Hannah made a face at him. “I don’t want to date an Eric, Adam. That just sounds like he’s some kind of a preppy track runner. Not my type.”
Adam looked at her, perplexed. “What the hell do you think Nolan is?”
Hannah glanced in Nolan’s direction, a look of wistfulness on her face. “A Greek god,” she admitted. “He has perfect features, and a perfect body, and ugh. Why can’t anyone ever just pick me?”
“He probably knows you’re out of his league,” I reassured her, but it fell on deaf ears. She started pouting, and I knew it would be a while until she stopped.
I took a fry off of her untouched tray and popped it into my mouth. “If it makes you feel better, your contest with Adam officially ends next week.”
“Contest?” Scott asked.
I grinned. “Yeah, Hannah and Adam are competing to see who is right about the baby’s gender. We’re supposed to be able to find out next week.”
“Wow. Already? How far are you?”
“Nineteen weeks this Friday.”
“I thought you were getting fatter,” Hannah remarked.
I raised my eyebrows at her. “Wow, Hannah.”
She sighed. “Sorry, Lainey. I didn’t mean anything by it. You are showing more, though.”
I put a hand over my stomach self-consciously. I’d thought so too, but I wasn’t sure if anyone else had noticed. Adam wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
The Consequences of Forever (Lainey) Page 25