by Amy Brent
“I’m sorry, Deck. I know what happened today and I am so sorry that this happened.” Rory told him in a broken voice as he took his best friend to his room. He was in close contact with Rayna’s family about what was going on since Declan had shut himself off so much. “You’ll see her soon, it’ll all be okay and you’ll find your way back together.”
“How? We’ve lost everything.” Declan replied angrily as he threw himself onto the bed. One inhale and all that he smelled was Mallory’s sweet body spray and her coconut mint shampoo. Declan gripped the pillow tightly as he smelled it again and tried to fight the memory of them from the last time she was here. She’d finally agreed to start really packing and move in as well as to setting up Lindsay’s room.
That was the day before the accident. Mallory had been so uncertain of their future following the news of the pregnancy and a part of him would give anything to go back to that day. He’d do everything different from the beginning to prevent that accident from happening. “Just give it time,” Rory suggested as Declan curled his body up on the bed and remained silent. “Get some sleep, buddy. I’ll be on the couch.”
Declan woke up with the sun shining into the windows and rolled onto his back to look around. He could still smell her in the room but Mallory wasn’t here. He felt his stomach clench and placed a hand on his forehead as pain throbbed behind his eyes. These was the sure signs of a hangover but he hadn’t drunk that much in a few months.
Where was Mallory? Shouldn’t she be yelling at him right now? She hated it when he drank too much.
Declan stumbled out of bed to get some water and aspirin before he made the smoothie that always helped his hangovers. He walked slowly as he took slow breaths and glanced into the living room to see Rory sleeping on it with a blanket pulled over his body. What the fuck? Declan kept going into the kitchen and grabbed the water before his eyes moved to the floor to see something crumbled up and sitting in the middle of the floor. He grabbed it before he got the bottle of Advil and opened it to down a few pills with a large gulp of the refreshing water.
Declan unfolded the paper to see the ultrasound as fresh pain filled his heart. Mallory…she might see him today. He grabbed the counter as the room spun around him and took several hoarse breaths. “Calm down, Deck,” Rory told him softly as he stood beside his best friend.
“I forgot for just a while. I was coming out to find Mal and…” Declan’s voice trailed off slowly.
“You’ll forget a lot when you drink as much as you did last night.” Rory had a serious tone to his voice as Declan slowly glanced at him. “Cut this shit. You need be strong for your girl, Deck. You have a lot going for you beyond all of that. Don’t fuck it all off.”
“I don’t know how not to do that.” He admitted as he opened the water and sipped it. “I feel like shit.”
“Get some water down and take a shower. We’ll attempt food after that and you can try to go see her.” Rory suggested as Declan nodded.
Declan managed to get a cup of coffee down and took a long hot shower as he tried to force his stress out of his body. The water ran down his skin as he soaped up and cursed the memories and emotions that were taking over his cock. Declan missed Mallory so much in every way possible but at the moment, he played back one of their many times in the shower.
Once they’d eased into a relationship and after she found out she was pregnant, the hormones had kicked in hard and she had been willing to have him all of the time. The shower was a favorite for Mallory and he groaned as he reached down to stroke himself sadly. It was nothing like what he wanted and Declan only felt disappointment when he came all over the shower wall with tears in his eyes. He rinsed the conditioner out of his hair and turned off the water slowly before he stepped out into the bright room.
Declan brushed out his hair and pulled it back before he wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped into the bedroom. He threw open some windows before he slipped into some worn jeans and a long- sleeved Henley and stared into the mirror. The circles under his eyes were prominent and Declan shook his head slowly before he grabbed some Converse from the closet.
Rory was dressed in new clothes as Declan stared at him and he told him that he’d run home quickly but he was going to go to the hospital with him if Declan wanted him to. He did, so they walked out to the driveway where Declan looked curiously at his car parked to the right of Rory’s. “I had Kurt drive it here and he got a ride back to his place. I didn’t know if I’d be free today but classes were canceled so here I am.”
“Thanks, man. I need someone and I don’t want to hassle Gram and Grandpa. She’s dealing with enough already.” Declan shook his head slowly. His grandma was heartbroken over the loss of her great-granddaughter and he was trying to keep her out of it as much as possible.
“I’ll bet.” They pulled out of the driveway and onto the main road where Declan started to worry. What was he supposed to say to her? He loved her more than anything in the world but had never had to con fort someone through something like this. Declan felt clueless and for a moment, he hated his parents for never truly dealing with issues that came up when he was still with them. He’d always just pushed things aside and moved forward but right now he was locked into a place of heartbreak and pain. This was all so new to him and he pressed his hands to his temples as he sighed slowly.
Rory parked in the lot and looked at his friend for a long moment. “Ready for this?”
“I don’t know.” Declan answered honestly as he stared forward at the tree in front of them. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Just be there for her. It’ll fall into place.” Rory assured him as they got out of the car reluctantly.
Chapter 9
The guys saw Rayna sitting in the waiting room alone as they walked in and Declan frowned as she glanced at him with wide eyes. “Have you seen her?” His voice was abrupt and she nodded as she teared up.
“She’s talking to Mom,” Rayna said as he stood a few feet in front of her and glanced down that hallway furtively. “Sit down, Deck. I need to talk to you.”
He moved to the chair a couple spots away from her as Rory sat down across from them. “What?” Dread filled his heart as he waited to hear what she had to say and Declan pressed his lips together.
“Well, clearly she’s really upset. This is all hitting her very hard.” Rayna started as she worried her hands together in a knot. “She…she wants to come to my house when she’s released from the hospital, Deck.” He stared forward as the fact that she’d never truly moved in settled uncomfortably in his stomach.
“She doesn’t want me anymore?” Rayna wiped a tear away at his words and her mouth opened and closed.
“I don’t think it’s that. She doesn’t want to burden you since you have school and the team…my mom is home all day. She can take care of her for a while.” Rayna made excuses as Declan stared forward with narrowed eyes and felt his heart drop. “She’ll come to her senses but she’s devastated right now.”
“Can I see her? Does she want to see me?” Declan asked as he felt Rayna’s eyes on him.
“Of course. She’ll be done with Mom soon and you can go right in.” Rayna replied as he pressed his feet into the ground firmly. Rory moved beside him but Declan was only focused on the fact that she wasn’t coming home to him. It resonated in his brain as his head started to pound and he closed his eyes tightly. “Don’t worry. She just takes things really hard. She’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think she’s faced this before. I am not all that reassured.” Declan told her as he started to massage his temples hard as if to increase the pain.
“Deck. You’re here.” Mary said as he blinked and looked at her. “Are you okay? You look tired.”
“I’m fine. Just a bit restless.” Declan shot a look at Rory to tell him to shut up as his best friend looked back at him in disbelief. The last thing Mallory’s family needed to know was that he was drinking himself into a coma. “How is she?”
; “Sore. Heartbroken.” Mary glanced at Rayna to see her give a small nod. “Oh. So you know?”
“Yes, I know that she’s not planning on coming to my house.” Declan replied bitterly as Rory winced. “Should I go to see her or does she want to skip over that as well?”
“Deck. Stop this.” Rory shot out as decline gave him a weary look.
“Declan, she’s a mom that just lost her baby. She’s really upset and just needs some time.” Mary assured him as she stepped forward slowly.
“I’m a dad that lost my baby too. Oddly enough, I’m pretty upset too and I thought we’d work through it together.” Declan said as he stared boldly into her pale face. “I didn’t think she’d run from this.”
“I’m sorry. It’s what she learned after her parents passed due to her family.” Mary admitted as she sat down and swiped her thumb across her cheek to catch a tear. “I tried to convince her but she’s just…not all here.”
“I am going in just to look at her and hold her hand. I need to see her and then I’ll leave.” Declan decided out loud as he stood and walked away from the group. The walls seemed to close in on him as he continued down the hallway to her room blindly. There were people passing him but Declan didn’t stop until he was pressing his hand against the door softly. He rapped softly on the door and heard her soft voice saying to come in before he pushed it open. “Mal.”
She was frail and pale in the bed as she rested against the pillows gently. “Deck.” A tear slid down her cheek and she looked towards the window sadly. “I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” He asked her weakly as he sat down beside her and stared closely into her face.
“I lost her.” Her voice was so small and he reached out and took her hand as it remained limp in his grip. “I was supposed to protect her.”
“You did nothing wrong. He did.” Declan felt tears in his eyes again as he saw the remaining wreckage from the accident spread out in front of him. “He’s the one that hit you. He’s the one that took everything.” He clutched her hand as he rested his head against the pink blanket. “I could’ve been driving. That way I would be here and the two of you would be okay.” He felt her hand shake and took a deep breath. “Do you remember everything from when you got here?”
“Now I do. It took me a minute once I figured out why I was here.” She started to cry. Declan raised his head and moved closer to her to stroke her tangled hair. “She was beautiful, wasn’t she?”
“She looked so much like you.” He whispered brokenly as they cried together for a moment before he pressed his lips to hers softly. “Please come home with me. I need you, baby.”
“I just need some time. You’re so busy and Mary just works part time from the house. It’ll be easier.” She tried to reason with him as he breathed her in for a moment.
“Is that the only reason?” Declan pressed as he heard her let out a sob. “I love you. What happened doesn’t change that.”
“I’m lost right now. I just need…I don’t know what I need.” Mallory admitted as he pulled away slowly. His eyes never left hers, watery and red, but she looked out of the window again.
“Are we over?” Declan asked her as she pressed her dry lips together.
“I am just stuck. I don’t know.” Mallory found a new way to say it and he stood and walked towards the door as the pain filled him and started to break him down.
“Don’t let this simmer. See the doctor they recommended and find a way back to me.” Declan told her before he headed into the hallway and looked left and right. He just wanted to leave but Rory had brought him here. He decided to go back to the waiting room and all three looked up at him curiously when he stood near Rory. “I’m ready.”
“Deck? Did you talk to her?” Mary asked him as she stood up to prevent him from leaving. She grabbed his arm and stared at him until he met her gaze with his red eyes. “She needs you, honey. She just doesn’t know it yet. I’ll keep her safe and you come and see her.”
“We’ll see.” Rayna sank back into her chair as she cried and he shook his head at her when he was finished hugging her mom. “You threatened me for her, Ray. Don’t let her sink.”
“No way. She’ll be back.” Rayna’ s voice was shaking and Declan pressed his lips together before he glanced at Rory.
“Let’s go.” They walked to the car and Rory drove to their favorite diner in an unspoken agreement. Declan had been in a hurry to get to the hospital and they’d skipped any food before leaving the house.
Rory waited until they were seated at a table with coffee before he looked closely at his friend. “What happened in there?”
“She says that she needs time.” Declan responded as he shrugged. “She’s just void and she didn’t respond to me at all. Mallory isn’t here right now.”
“Mary had a good point, Deck.” Rory started to say before Declan stared at him.
“Again, we both lost our child. I want to get through it together but that’s not going to happen right now.” Declan said sadly before he sipped his coffee.
“Did she end it with you?” Rory asked and Declan frowned.
“Not in so many words. She’s just gone right now.” Declan explained as Rory shook his head. “I’ll wait for her. I have nothing else that I could do right now.”
“You guys had it all. She’ll be back.” Declan shrugged and glanced up as their waitress brought their food to the table. The guys ate and moved on to other topics such as rugby and school but Declan was clearly still focused on Mallory as he tried to move forward.
Rory dropped Declan off to get his car and they went to the gym to work out. Hangover or not, Declan had to work out his feelings right now or else he felt like he was going to break in half. He worked hard on his arms and legs for over an hour and thought about the game since he was now playing again as opposed to coaching. They’d replaced their lost coach with a man that had the experience and the skills to do the job but it hurt all of them to see a new face there. Declan took over again as a strong lead player though right now he sipped his water and wondered if he could even do this.
He dreamed of coach every night after the baby died, mixing the tragedies together in one horrifying sequence that woke him up in a cold sweat.
Chapter 10
Declan glanced over the field as he trampled with his team to start the game the weekend after everything had happened. He’d been practicing hard and on the outside, he looked like he was in top shape and ready. He faked enthusiasm for everyone all of the time and was into the sport again. On the inside, he was broken and alone but he used that in the game and played rougher than he ever had before. Coach Mike and Coach Ken pushed him as they watched him closely since Mike knew what he was going through. He hated to see something else happening like this but Declan had assured him that he was fine to play. He told him that he needed to. They went with that and Declan tried to accept Ken as best he could through the pain of what had happened to the former man in his shoes and the emotions that he struggled with.
The team kept their victories going and Declan tried to keep his mind on school as the weeks passed. He’d tried to talk to Mallory a few times since she’d left the hospital but it was always awkward and hard. She wasn’t ready to move on but Mallory wouldn’t let her grief set in with him yet. She was trying to be strong and he begged at the end of the last conversation to just feel something about this. They ended up in an argument and Declan had thrown his phone across the room before he took off to the bar for a few drinks.
He didn’t see Mallory at school and the rumor was that she was taking a break for a while. Though her injuries weren’t nearly as serious as they could have been, Mallory had some healing to still do inside and out. He spoke with Rayna when he saw her and also kept in touch with Mary to know what was going on.
Mallory was healing as she should be physically after a couple of months, but he had been told that she wasn’t sleeping well at night and still traumatized from the stillbirth. Mary was doing her
best to get Mallory to see someone to talk to but was meeting a lot of resistance along the way. It sounded like she just slept through the day, though restlessly and claimed that she was recovering when Mary tried to force her up to do anything. The pained look on Rayna’s face whenever they ran into each other at school ripped him apart and Declan found himself needing to escape the pain that he wasn’t allowing himself to give into. He knew that his grandparents were there to support him but he’d never showed weakness to them before and he wouldn’t now.
The bar became a regular routine for him when he wasn’t studying or playing and Declan found solace in the alcohol. He had been a regular there before and it was easy to slip back into the old routine with those friends. They were separate from school and even Mallory since she hadn’t really been there a lot. Bars weren’t her scene and Declan had traded it for restaurants and dates happily as he settled into the relationship.
Now he was alone and the whiskey was flowing as the music played loudly over the speakers. Declan laughed as he bent over to shoot a pool ball into the corner pocket, careful not to fall on the ground. “Fuck, I’m wasted.” Nights were long and lonely and he filled the time there so he wouldn’t think too much about things. Merry moved beside him as he shot and missed and he stumbled against her. “Sorry.”
“It’s nice to see you back around.” He looked into her pretty face and squinted his eyes to see her better, but she’d never be Mallory. Even still, they’d had a good enough little fling well before he’d met Mallory and his mind started to wander slowly as he took in her deep blue eyes and long brown hair.
“I don’t want to be home.” That was all he ever said about things and everyone had learned to not ask or talk about the rumors that had been all over the bar. He watched as she covered the rough skin of his hand with her own pale soft one and looked down.