"You both look great," J.J. said, hugging Nathaniel and planting a light kiss on his cheek. She turned to me and we hugged. She was five inches taller than me, but she was so tiny through the waist and ribs that she hit my radar as dainty. We pressed cheeks together more than kissed, because though she was wearing her usual neutral lip gloss, I was wearing my usual deep red lipstick and I'd learned that it overwhelmed or looked odd intermingled with other women's lipsticks.
"Nathaniel picked the clothes, so if we look good it's his fault," I said, with a smile.
She smiled a little broader. "Trust me, Anita, it isn't all Nathaniel's clothes choice that makes you look amazing in the outfit."
It took me a moment to think it through and realize that J.J. was saying my body looked good in the clothes, and that was from working out in the gym.
"Thanks," I said.
"I wish I could have your curves and be in shape enough to dance."
Jason hugged her. "I like your curves."
She laughed. "I know you do, but mine are like a drive in the country; Anita's are like a roller coaster."
Jason's eyes sparkled as he looked at me, his face alight with some thought, and just like that I knew that whatever was about to come out of his mouth was something I wasn't going to like, or would be at least teasing.
"Would it piss you off if I said it's a hell of a ride?"
"Yes," I said, and gave him very serious eye contact out of my dark brown eyes. Brown eyes may not look as cold as blue or gray can, but I find that a mean look works just fine.
"Then I won't say it," he said; then he laughed, J.J. joined him, and finally Nathaniel did, too.
I rolled my eyes at all of them.
J.J. didn't have any other luggage. It was a quick two-day trip, and apparently everything she needed was tucked into the huge purse on her shoulder. It was impressively light packing, and I said so.
"After you've been on enough dance tours, you learn to pack light," she said.
It made sense, and she talked about the current production she was practicing for, and the season so far for the dance company. She asked how Nathaniel's and my work was going in the car. I drove, Nathaniel had shotgun, and the two lovebirds got the backseat of my SUV. It was very ordinary small talk except for our jobs being sort of cool, or unusual--a ballerina, a U.S. Marshal with the preternatural branch, a dancer and assistant manager of a strip club, and an exotic dancer at that club.
It felt a little like we were talking around the elephant in the living room. I wanted to point at it and say, "Look, look, an elephant!" I both wanted to talk about the sex and the issues surrounding it, and desperately wanted to ignore it. I think everyone else was actually just talking like friends. I always wanted to either sort of pretend sex and kink issues didn't exist, or take them so head-on that it was jarring to everyone else involved. I seemed to have only two speeds on problems that hit me emotionally, either putting my fingers in my ears and going la-la-la, or picking up an axe and attacking the issue. It wasn't actually a comforting approach for me or the people I loved, but it was what I had for coping mechanisms. I hoped someday to have more middle ground, but right now, I didn't. I was horribly torn between wanting to never bring up the subject of why we were all dressed up to greet J.J. at the airport, and wanting to yell, Is anyone else nervous, or is it just me?
Nathaniel reached over and started to rub lightly on my neck as I drove. "You okay?"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak without being rude or too abrupt. A lot of people take too much directness as rudeness, especially from a woman. I'd like to say it's not sexist, but it is; people expect a woman to have a softer approach to life than most men do. I was so far in the guy camp on my approach to most things that I often came off as harsh even for a man. I didn't mean to, but it happened a lot. I wasn't trying for harsh, I just wanted to say something, or do something, and I wanted to act, not wait until I had to react. Even if by pushing I made the situation worse. It was almost a compulsion that made me want resolution to all uncertainty even if the resolution was negative, rather than wait patiently for a more positive outcome. My therapist and I were working on it, but right at that moment I gripped the steering wheel and just kept my mouth shut; it was the best I had.
J.J. chimed in from the backseat. "Is it just me, or is anyone else nervous about this?"
"Thank God," I said, "yes, me, I am."
"What are you nervous about, honey?" Jason asked, and I knew he was talking to J.J., since he'd never called me honey, ever.
"I'm in love with you, Jason. It means this is more important than just some kinky group sex. You know I'm game, always have been, but never with important relationships. That's always been more straightlaced."
"Maybe that's why they didn't work out," Nathaniel said, turning in the seat so he could look at her.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"If a person is kinky, and nonstandard sex makes them happy, but they keep putting away the sex they like best every time they're in a serious relationship, then the relationship is doomed, because no matter how much you love your vanilla, you need the other flavors."
"You want the other flavors, you don't need them," she said.
"I used the word deliberately, J.J. I know for myself that if I don't get my bondage and submission needs met I get really unhappy, my energy goes down, and eventually nothing works right. I've accepted that it's a need, not a want, and once I accepted that my life worked better."
"Like me accepting that I liked women, and recently realized that the right man was something I didn't want to live without."
"Like that, yes; you've accepted you're more bisexual than straight lesbian," Nathaniel said.
"Isn't straight lesbian an oxymoron?" she asked.
"I don't think so; I've known gay men and women who were as conservative as any heterosexual. They all try to fit into just one box, and seem to feel that anyone who wants to climb out of that box is wrong, or even evil."
"I don't think Jason needing rough sex is evil."
"But you don't understand why he needs to have it with Anita, right?"
"No offense, Anita, but no, I don't."
"No offense taken; are you saying that you are willing to have rough sex with Jason?" I asked, glancing back in the rearview mirror enough to glimpse her face.
"We have had."
"How rough?" Nathaniel asked.
"Rough," she said.
"No, honey, not by Nathaniel's standards, and not really by Anita's either."
"How rough is rough to them?" she asked.
I concentrated on the road suddenly, just driving, because I didn't know how to answer that. Not without asking them details about the rough sex they'd had that I honestly didn't want to ask.
"It's not just how rough to me and Anita, it's how rough to Jason," Nathaniel said.
"Okay, I'll bite, how rough to all three of you?"
I heard soft movement from the backseat and knew Jason was cuddling her closer in some way. I kept my eye on traffic, but some small sounds you just know.
"I'm not allowed to bite you, remember?"
"I have to perform, Jason, and sometimes my costumes reveal most of my skin."
"And sometimes I can't afford bite marks on me for the same reason."
"So why is it an issue?" she asked.
"You don't want to bite me, and I want to bite you."
"I don't understand," she said.
"I'm hoping you will by the end of the night."
And that was the truth. Some things can't really be explained, they can only be experienced, or at least observed. Tonight was about seeing the truth; I just wasn't sure that I was happy being part of the wildlife being observed.
3
WE WENT BACK to talking about normal things all the way down the long stairs into the underground area below Circus of the Damned. We acknowledged the guards, said hi to the ones who had crossed the line to being friends, and learned more about practice for
the new ballet in New York. Nathaniel talked about the dance he and Jason were choreographing for Danse Macabre, which was literally a dance club, not a strip club. I didn't join in the work talk, because most of mine was a little too graphic or involved ongoing police cases; either way it was almost guaranteed to be a buzzkill for J.J. The men in my life were okay with me talking shop--most of the time.
Jason's room was one of the suites complete with bathroom and epic shower. We closed the door to the main bedroom part, and the silence was just the breathing of the ventilation heating/cooling system. All the rooms down here were carved out of a natural cave system, so we didn't actually need a lot of cooling, or heating, but if you did need it, you needed it, and Jean-Claude didn't really believe in skimping. He was spoiling us all, I think.
J.J. kissed Jason and said, "I'm going to freshen up and change into something more comfortable." She walked toward the bathroom, big bag swinging at her side.
I called after her, "Is it really more comfortable, or just the opposite?"
She laughed. "You'll see soon enough."
"Shit, that means I need lingerie, too."
She looked over her shoulder as she opened the door. "Oh, I don't know, you naked would be fine." She gave me a smile that went with the comment, then was through the door before I had a comeback. Just as well, because I didn't have a comeback. I just stared at the closed door feeling suddenly all deer-in-the-headlights.
Jason hugged me. "Don't get all weird about that, okay? Remember, she likes girls a lot more than she likes boys."
I drew back enough to see his face. "You're not the only boyfriend she's ever had, are you?"
"No, but I am the only serious one."
Nathaniel hugged me from the other side, and for a minute I was held in the warm comfort of a boy sandwich. I liked that, and they both knew it. It helped calm me down.
Nathaniel kissed me. "I'll go get you some lingerie, and shoes."
"I can get it," I said.
He grinned at me. "You'll agonize over the choices, or use it to delay coming back; I'll just pick something awesome for you to wear."
I couldn't argue with his reasoning, so I didn't try. I could be taught. He went, I stayed, and Jason held me. I realized he wasn't touching just to reassure me.
"You're nervous, too," I said.
"She means more to me than any woman ever has, Anita; it's kind of scary."
"And wonderful," I said, arms around his waist, staring into those spring-blue eyes. He looked worried and had stopped trying to hide it.
"Yes," he said, "wonderful, but still scary."
I hugged him, putting my face against the warmth of his neck. "We got this."
He held me tight, the strength in his arms pressing me against him. "I hope so, Anita. God, I hope so."
I wanted to keep being comforting, but we needed truthful more. I rose back to see his face and said, "I've tried to help Richard make peace with some of his girlfriends and it's never worked well."
"Like Envy," Jason said.
"Yeah."
"I think if Richard had been having rough with you, he'd have behaved himself with Envy."
I shrugged. "He didn't have time to see Envy, date the new mundane chick, and fit BDSM booty calls into his schedule. He has a full-time job and a lot of family obligations with his parents and siblings in town."
"Richard likes sex rougher than almost anyone else in our group; when you play that hard, you can't skip it."
I agreed. "Not without it coming out somewhere else."
Jason nodded. "Which lost him Envy." His face fell into sad lines.
I moved my hands so I was gripping his shoulders, and I shook him a little. "Snap out of it; we are not Richard. We are all more in touch with our needs, and priorities, than that."
He smiled, and it almost filled his eyes.
"You're getting J.J. and me in one bed at the same time; come on, if you don't make at least one lesbian fantasy joke, I'll be disappointed."
He gave me the full smile then, making his eyes shine with it. "If I said I'd never fantasized about the two of you in bed with me, I'd so be lying."
I hugged him, smiling. "That's my lecherous wolf."
He hugged me back. "Thanks, Anita, for everything."
I wanted to say, Thank me after this works, but that would have undone all the reassurance I'd just done, so I just said, "You're welcome."
Nathaniel came back with my clothes and a pair of silk shorts for himself. J.J. opened the bathroom door in a pale-blue baby doll nightie thing. It clung to her body, with touches of lace here and there. She'd combed out her long, straight hair so that it surrounded her face like a shining curtain. She'd also darkened her eye makeup just a little.
All three of us looked at her. Jason said, "You are amazing; that you love me just makes me think better of myself."
She grinned, and it reminded me of Jason. "The look on all three of your faces when I stepped through the door was just about perfect."
"What would have made it perfect?" Nathaniel asked.
"We'll discuss that later; right now everyone else is way overdressed."
"Anita and I will change, and let you guys have some alone time." Nathaniel took my hand and started leading us toward the bathroom and J.J., shining in the doorway.
"Sounds good," she said, and moved so we had room to move past her. We closed the door to the sound of her laughter and the low murmur of Jason's voice.
Nathaniel had chosen a black teddy and a pair of black strappy stiletto heels. The teddy was sheer, so that once I fluffed my breasts into the top part, my nipples pressed against the thin material, and when I turned around using the mirror to see behind me, let's just say it was one of those pieces of lingerie that pretended you weren't nude, but made sure you could see everything, just through a gauze of black sheer.
"I'd have picked something a little less see-through," I said.
"I know, but you won't mind if Jason tears this one off you, and you'd bitch if he tore the silk ones."
"Oh, yeah, we did negotiate that he could tear the clothes off my back."
"You say that like you don't enjoy it, and you do."
I looked away from the mirror so I couldn't watch myself get embarrassed. It was bad enough feeling it; didn't need the visual.
Nathaniel hugged me from behind and turned me so I could see us both in the mirror. "You look fabulous, and you're just competitive enough to want them both to have the same look on their faces as we did for J.J. when you come through the door."
That embarrassed me, too, but for different reasons. "I'm not competitive with Jade."
"You're sleeping with Jade."
"I'm not competitive with Envy."
"No, that's true, which is a little weird, actually."
"Why?"
"Because she's five-eleven, mostly legs, and traditionally model gorgeous; that would sort of freak out most women."
I shrugged with his arms still wrapped around me. "Her inseam is six inches longer than mine. We're built so differently that it'd be ridiculous to compare us, like making a Clydesdale and a Thoroughbred racehorse race each other. They're both horses, but that's about it."
He laughed, hugged me, and kissed my cheek. "That is the healthiest analogy I've ever heard from any girl. You really don't compare yourself to other people?"
"Not to women who are too different from my body type, no. That wouldn't make any sense. I did it more when I was younger, but I finally realized that trying to compare myself to women who are built tall and leggy is like trying to compete in the gym with the guys who were six feet plus--it's outside my weight limit. I'm a bantam and they're heavyweights, or in the old vaudeville terms for showgirls, Envy is a stallion and I'm a pony. Neither one is better than the other, they're just different."
"Difference can be good."
I nodded, smiling. "It can, and I'm not comparing myself to J.J. either, because she's a ballerina and her body is from some of the most strenuous
exercise on the planet. She's a professional athlete; I work out to run away from the bad guys."
"Or chase them down," he said.
"Or that," I said.
"I compare myself to the other dancers, and some of the other men."
I turned so I could look directly at him, rather than at his reflection. "Are you saying you have body issues?"
He shrugged. "A little."
"You are one of the most beautiful men I know, and one of the best lovers ever; how can you have body issues?"
"I strip on stage, Anita. I get customers talking about my body in person and online; it's hard not to be self-conscious."
"So, me pointing out you're beautiful doesn't really help you work the issue," I said.
"No, because the issue isn't about logic, or even reality; it's an issue that's about illogic, and emotions, and the negative voices in everyone's head."
"Everyone has their issues, I guess."
He nodded, and then smiled. "But tonight, we get to have sex in the same room as Jason and J.J., and that totally rocks."
I turned and patted his shoulder. "You are my little voyeur."
"No, I'm your great big voyeur; it is one of my major kinks."
"You're a pretty big exhibitionist, too," I said.
"Yep, and tonight we get to do both. Let me change, and let's go do this."
"You have no qualms about this, do you?"
"If anyone can help J.J. feel comfortable with all this, it's us."
I nodded, because it was reasonable, even logical, but . . . "I'm not a voyeur, or an exhibitionist."
"Not really, but you are two things that will make this work."
"What two things?"
"Jason's friend and lover."
"You got me there," I said.
He started taking off his clothes, and I turned around so I wouldn't be distracted as he stripped. Him undressing always seemed to make me want to touch him, and tonight we needed to save the distracting touching for group activity. Just thinking that in my head was a little weird. My life; sometimes it amazed me, sometimes it just made me go Huh?
4
BUT INSTEAD OF hot monkey sex, we ended up talking. J.J. didn't know me well enough not to ask one question too many. She asked, "What bothers you most about dating Jade?"
It was a list, and the itemized list changed order from day to day. I lay propped up on my side in my see-through black teddy and fuck-me heels talking very seriously. J.J. lay on her back in her blue silk nightie, face intent on mine, listening, nodding, adding a comment here and there.
Jason Page 5