Always Yours

by Grace Owens

  “Wow, the little buggar really is in there, huh?” Cailean whispered and gently grabbed my hand.

  “What did you just call it?” I asked and took my hand back in a not so gentle way.

  “Well, it’s a hell of a lot better than ‘it,’” he argued.

  “Okay, all done,” Dr. Blackburn interrupted and wiped my belly off. “The heartbeat is strong and steady.”

  “Thank you,” I said and sat back up.

  “Unless you have any further questions, I will see you back in a month. I will also print out a couple of notes of the things we discussed today as well as a referral to get an ultrasound done.” She smiled at me and handed Cailean a stack of papers. “And don’t forget to stop and get your labs done before you leave.”

  Said labs were the whole reason why I hadn’t eaten for hours and I was surprised that I managed to sit through it without fainting. Blood had never been an issue for me, but I did feel lightheaded at the end of it. Cailean had a look of concern on his face as he watched, but luckily, he didn’t say a word.

  We both walked in silence to my car. I had a feeling that he, too, was trying to absorb the fact that he was going to become a parent. It wasn’t like it had been unreal before, but hearing that low and steady thumping had made it very real.

  A baby. With a heartbeat.

  I could feel my body responding to the panic just the word ‘baby’ brought. My palms became sweaty, my breath short and I felt as if I was about to throw up.

  Before that could happen, though, Cailean took my hand and pulled me toward him. I had no energy to push him away, still stuck in my own head and the hurricane that was currently roaming inside my brain.

  As soon as he pressed me tightly against his chest, it felt as if I collapsed. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt to hold myself steady, but the reality of what had happened was hitting me hard.

  “Just so you know, I wasn’t going to abandon you,” he said, cradling my head against him.

  It felt so safe. As if this man would protect me from anything. Too bad he couldn’t protect me against his sperm.

  There was a possibility that he kept talking, but instead I focused on the light swinging he was doing, trying to calm my breathing.

  “There you go,” he murmured. He must have felt me stiffen in his arms as I realized what the hell we were doing.

  I had been fisting his shirt tight and it took some effort to pry my aching fingers off, but I did it. No matter how much comfort his embrace had brought. I wasn’t going to admit that he had helped me. Ever.

  “I should get home,” I said and took a step back.

  “Let’s go get some dinner first.” He didn’t wait for a response as he took the keys out of my hand and urged me into the passenger seat of my car.

  “I’m not hungry and this is my car, thank you very much,” I protested, refusing to get in.

  “It’s old and it’s a death trap,” he argued, still waiting for me to get inside. “And we have some shit we need to talk about so I don’t give a fuck if you’re hungry or not.”

  “You’re an asshole.” I got in despite everything since people started looking at us and if there was one thing I hated, it was being in the spotlight.

  “So I’ve been told.” I barely heard his words as he closed the door behind me, but he did and the way he said it sounded so… resigned. So unlike Cailean.

  I sat silently fuming the while Cailean drove. I refused to admit how good he looked handling my old junk car. I didn’t know how it was possible, but he finally looked relaxed.

  At every red light we hit, or at every stop sign that we stopped, Cailean’s eyes found themselves wandering to me. Or rather, to my midsection.

  “Why are you staring at me like that?” I finally asked and his head snapped up.

  “I just…” he trailed off, focusing on the road for a while before continuing, “I can’t believe my baby is in there.” He nodded his head in the direction of my still-flat belly. “You don’t look pregnant.”

  He was right. I had spent countless moments in front of the mirror, examining my body. The only thing that had grown was my boobs. The logical part of me knew that it would take a few months for my belly to grow, but another part of me thought anyone would be able to see it as soon as I had found out.

  “I think we have established by now that I am,” I mumbled and my hand automatically went to rest on my belly. I tried to focus on my breathing so I wouldn’t get lost in my panic again, but the thing that kept me rooted to the ground was Cailean’s hand that came to rest on top of mine. I wanted to push it off, but instead I let him have this moment. It had nothing to do with how good it felt.

  “You could have just taken me to a fast food place. I’m not too picky,” I said as we sat down at a local diner.

  “I didn’t want to make it fast,” he answered with a shrug and picked up the menu.

  Blowing out a deep breath, I did the same. There would be no winning this argument so I might as well get a good dinner out of it.

  We sat in silence after placing our orders, but he was the one that had wanted to talk so I wasn’t going to start. No matter how many things I wanted to ask him. I needed to make myself understand that just because he was the father of my child, it didn’t give me the right to suddenly demand a bunch of crap from him.

  “Bloody hell, that’s disgusting,” he said, cringing as he swallowed the thick liquid before he pushed the tall glass of milkshake toward me. “Here.”

  Our food - my salad and his juicy cheeseburger - had just been dropped off at our table. His words were the first to break our surprisingly long silence.

  “Why the hell would you order a milkshake if you don’t like it?” I asked, not touching it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop once I started drinking it.

  “Because I know you love anything banana flavored, especially when it’s combined with chocolate in the form of a milkshake.”

  How? And why?

  “My mouth works just fine. I can order for myself and if I wanted a milkshake, I would have asked for one.”

  “I’m sure your mouth works just fine, Gertie, and I can’t wait to explore what it can do to my cock,” he said, leaning forward.

  I kicked him under the table for being so crass, but all the bastard did was smile.

  “Unfortunately for you, you will never know what my blowjob skills are like.”

  No need to tell him they were pretty much nonexistent.

  “Keep telling yourself that, baby.” He was way too smug for his own good.

  To keep my mouth shut, because this was going nowhere, I stuffed it with the leafy greens. I tried to like the salad, I truly did, but every time Cailean let out a moan around his juicy burger, all I wanted was to get one of my own.

  Apparently, I wasn’t too discreet with my drooling because, without saying anything, he slid the other half of his burger over to me.

  In thanks, I pushed my half-eaten salad his way and pretended that sharing a meal like this didn’t affect me whatsoever.

  “So what did you want to talk about?” I asked once I had devoured his delicious burger along with some of the fries. The smooth milkshake sat untouched between us, but I knew my restraint would only last so long. I still had no idea how he knew about my love for milkshakes and burgers, but my guess would be Vegas.

  “I think we need to make this thing exclusive.” He leaned back and stretched, seeming satisfied with his meal.

  I wanted to laugh. Out loud. In the middle of the diner, because he was being absolutely ridiculous. And serious by the look on his gorgeous face.

  “And what is this thing exactly?” I asked after I managed to make it a scoff instead of a straight out laugh.

  “Our marriage.”

  “Not happening.” I was confident in my answer which seemed to piss him off.

  “You’re not fucking other dudes while you’re carrying my baby.”

  “Our marriage is a mistake and not real, Cailean. It’s j
ust a piece of paper,” I tried to reason.

  “Doesn’t mean we can’t make it real, Gertrude.”

  “You can fuck whoever you want or need to if that’s what you’re worried about,” I bit out, ignoring the bitter feeling at the thought of him touching another woman. Baby or no baby, I had no claim on him. “You don’t want to be married to me any more than I want to be married to you.”

  He looked guilty for a second, but that second was all it took to confirm my suspicions.

  Quickly recovering, he said, “You’re my wife and my baby’s mother. You won’t be fucking anyone but me.”

  I grabbed the melted milkshake to cool down my anger at his words. We could go on and on all night if we continued like this.

  “Have you told your parents yet?” I asked, changing the subject. At that point, I didn’t even care if he thought he had won the argument or not. It wasn’t as if I was planning to have sex with anyone anyway because that would just be… awkward.

  “No, I figured it should be something to tell them face-to-face. If the baby was real-“

  “It’s real,” I interrupted, angry that he would think otherwise.

  “If the baby was real, it might soften the blow that I got married without my mom planning every single detail of it,” he finished.

  “Why would that even matter? There’s no point telling them about the marriage part.”

  He simply glared at me before asking, “What about your parents?”

  “I’d say we should worry about yours instead,” I answered, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice. I knew for a fact that my dad would most likely not care about becoming a grandfather. He had stopped caring when my mom passed away, and my stepmom was a sad joke of a mother figure. The only family that mattered at this point - Allie and Hanna - already knew.

  “Okay.”

  That was it? There would be no fighting about it at all? I wanted to question it, but he seemed relieved somehow. Maybe he thought my dad cared enough to pull out a shotgun on him for knocking his daughter up. I didn’t want him to see the failure that was my relationship with my dad, so I kept my mouth shut about it as he paid for our meal and got ready to leave. I protested, of course, but in the end, I let him pay. It had nothing to do with the way he looked at me with heated eyes.

  Not at all.

  “Are you nervous?” he asked as we walked toward the parking lot.

  “Hmm?” I asked in confusion. I wasn’t sure I had even heard him talk, he spoke the question so quietly.

  “Nervous. About being pregnant, I mean. To become a parent. To be responsible for this little human.”

  “Yes,” I answered honestly. What I didn’t tell him was that I wasn’t so nervous about becoming a mom – that hadn’t set in yet and I didn’t think it would until I would be able to hold him or her in my arms. What I was nervous about was us doing this together. How our relationship would affect our baby and that when it would become too hard, or when he realized that I would never give him the relationship he wanted, that Cailean would bail on me. “Are you?”

  “I think I’m past nervous,” he answered, rubbing the palms of his hands over his face. I found it to be a sexy move and I had to look away. Just because we were friendly for once, it didn’t mean I could be attracted to him in that way. “I’m so fucking scared, Gertie.”

  “Me too,” I whispered.

  Since Cailean has driven my car to dinner, he drove us back to my work where he had left his car. Before I was able to get back into the driver’s seat after he had gotten out, he stopped me by putting his hand on the door.

  “I don’t like it,” he grumbled and shot my car an evil glare.

  “You don’t have to like it. It’s my car,” I snapped.

  “You’re carrying my baby.”

  I had a feeling that would be his explanation for getting things he wanted more than once, but I wouldn’t budge on this issue. He could hate my car all he wanted, it was still mine and all I could afford at the moment.

  “Thank you for reminding me. Now move so I can go home.”

  He sighed heavily and surprisingly did what I asked. He gave me a chaste kiss as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and then he was gone. I was so stunned that I hadn’t even had a chance to tell him off for kissing me like that.

  Damn him for acting as if what we had was normal.

  Chapter 7

  ◆◆◆

  “OH, MY GOD,” I whispered, trying to focus on anything but my bladder, something that seemed impossible. We were sitting in the waiting room at a diagnostic imaging place, about to see our baby for the first time.

  “What’s wrong?” Cailean asked in a bored tone as he flipped through the gossip magazine in his hands.

  “I have to pee like a freaking race horse, that’s what’s wrong,” I muttered. “What’s the point in drinking so much water, anyway? I’m pregnant, not dehydrated.”

  The lady on the phone had instructed me to drink more water than I usually drink in a day and I hadn’t understood what that meant until just now, with my bladder ready to explode before my procedure had even begun.

  “It makes things easier to see on the ultrasound,” Cailean answered even though I hadn’t expected an answer.

  “Gertrude Anderson,” a blonde girl called and opened the door for us.

  “Finally,” I mumbled quietly and followed her.

  She led us through some heavy doors and down a dark hallway that was sort of intimidating. If Cailean and I’d had a different relationship, I probably would have taken his hand in a death grip. However, as soon as we reached the room, my fears went away – it was cozy, almost, with dimmed down lights, a bed and a monitor.

  “Gertrude, if you wouldn’t mind lying down on the bed for me and your husband can have a seat right next to you,” she said.

  Much to Cailean’s smugness, I didn’t bother correcting her on the husband part of her sentence. Something in me didn’t want her flirting with him and the way she kept glancing at him, I was pretty sure that was inevitable. He could flirt when I wasn’t around – there was no way I was going to let him pick this girl up at our ultrasound appointment; that was just weird.

  “Since you’re about ten weeks along, we should be able to see everything with a normal ultrasound, but I want to prepare you that we might have to do it vaginally,” she informed me and I really hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

  “Okay,” I agreed despite my fear of having to spread my legs to a stranger yet again.

  “Alright, if you would unzip your pants and pull them down a little bit, and lift your shirt, we can get started!” She was way too chipper this early in the morning, but I still did what she instructed me to do before she squirted some warm gel all over my belly.

  Cailean leaned in closer, grabbing my hand in the process. I didn’t take it back because his big and warm hand gave me comfort as the screen showed something that looked like a little peanut – my peanut. That was my baby in there. I was so fascinated that this little thing was inside me, growing, that I didn’t even realize I had tears going down my face until Cailean pointed it out.

  “Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he murmured and made comforting circles with his thumb in my palm. He must have thought I was crying because I was feeling some sort of resentment because his voice was pleading in a way I hadn’t heard since Hanna’s wedding.

  “Sorry,” I said with a sniffle, wiping the tears away. “It’s just that having it confirmed is one thing, but actually seeing our baby… I don’t know. It’s just… beautiful, I guess.”

  “It is,” he agreed and went back to staring intensely at the screen.

  “I just need to take a couple of measurements and then I’ll print you a few pictures,” the technician, who still hadn’t even introduced herself, said.

  “So is it a lad or a wee lassie?” Cailean asked, squinting at the screen.

  Ever since our dinner at the diner a week ago, Cailean has taken to wearing his black metal weddin
g ring. I told myself, as the technician blushed at his accent, that she must have seen that since she had already referred him as my husband. I still couldn’t understand why he needed to bring out his best features at our ultrasound appointment. If he wanted to pick a girl up, he could do it on his own time.

  Oh, gosh, I thought to myself. I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend!

  “Cailean, it’s the size of a peanut. I don’t think you can tell if it’s a boy or a girl yet,” I argued, trying to put my jealousy aside.

  “Are you the doctor?” he asked defiantly.

  “Well, I’m not a doctor,” the technician put in and continued, “but you won’t be able to see the sex until your next ultrasound appointment; usually when you’re around 20 weeks along.”

  “I have to wait ten fucking weeks?” Cailean complained and I shot him a stern look for saying the f-word. “What? I want to know.”

  “Well, for now you’re going to have to settle on a few pictures, I’m afraid,” the technician said in what she probably thought was a comforting voice.

  After finally allowing me to pee, I felt awkward as I went back out to the room, finding the two of them in deep conversation over the pictures she had printed out. Of my baby.

  “Ready?” I hated how timid I felt as I walked up to Cailean.

  “Sure,” he answered and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze as if he knew what was going through my mind.

  “I need to get to work,” I said and took my hand back once we were back out in the parking lot.

  “Let me take you to breakfast first.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I answered, thinking back to our dinner last week. Nothing had really been solved then and I doubted it would over breakfast.

  He wanted to argue, I could see it on his face as he leaned back on his truck, but for some reason he didn’t.

  “Okay. We still need to talk about what to do next.” He pulled a hand through his hair, making it stand in all kinds of directions and I wanted nothing more than to fix it.