by Grace Owens
“How old was the girl?” This was almost as bad as talking about family while naked, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Gertie,” he warned, but his warning had no effect on me which he soon realized and continued, “It was Ashley Walker. She wanted to give me a birthday present I wouldn’t forget.”
“That was very generous of her,” I muttered with a snort, feeling slightly jealous for no reason – I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d had sex with Ashley; she was beautiful and popular as well as two years older than us.
“It was,” he mumbled, deep in thoughts.
“Aren’t you going to ask me?”
“Fuck no,” he said with a huff. “I like to think I’m the only one.”
I scoffed because he knew I’d had a boyfriend before because he had straight out asked me about it a few weeks ago.
“Oh yeah, like I’m the only one you’ve been with?”
“You are.”
“Cailean, don’t insult my intelligence. You just told me who stole your virginity.”
“You make it sound so bad.” He pulled me closer as if he was sensing that he was losing me. In a way he was because this conversation had taken a deep nose dive. Fast. And it was all my fault. “But you’re the only one I’ve been with that has mattered. You’re the only one who has made me feel like this.”
My heart stuttered in my chest at his words and I had to fight back the emotions that threatened to come out. I pulled the sheet away from us, leaving both our bodies exposed.
“What are you doing?” he asked, but he couldn’t hide his hunger as his eyes raked over my body.
“Show me I’m the only one who has made you feel like this.”
He wasted no time as he settled between my spread legs. Normally, he would spend time exploring my body, priming it as if it needed to get ready for him. This time, I didn’t let him. Besides, I needed no extra help taking him inside me with the remnants from our last time still in me.
I gasped as he entered me gently, still feeling the effects of him from earlier. My hands wouldn’t stop roaming his body and I took in the feel of his back muscles flexing as he started thrusting inside me, the way his biceps tensed as he held his weight above me, his hard ass as his cheeks clenching under my touch.
He moved slowly inside me, but it didn’t stop my body from reacting to him. This was unlike any sex we’d had so far and from the intensity in his eyes as he looked down at me, I could tell he felt the same.
“Bloody hell, what are you doing to me?” he whispered, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to respond or if he even meant for me to hear him. Either way, I had no answer to his question.
“Cailean,” I moaned when everything became too much and I was ready to jump over that edge only Cailean had brought me to.
“I’ve got you, baby. Let go,” he answered, bringing my thigh up higher around his waist as he hit me even deeper.
Blinding light flashed behind my eyelids as I did exactly that. I could feel my body lock up beneath him and I grabbed at whatever I could reach to keep me grounded, but there was no use. I was floating higher and higher. I was barely aware of Cailean moaning out his release, but it was almost as if he knew that his groan when he came was my favorite sound because he always made sure his mouth was right by my ear. This time it was no different and a delicious shiver went up my body as he placed the faintest kiss right below it.
He was reluctant to leave my body and I wasn’t complaining as he recovered on top of me. I stroked his arms, back, shoulders in soft motions as if that would help him to calm his heart rate down.
It helped me.
Touching him to come back down to earth as if he was my anchor.
Eventually, he sighed and gave me a chaste kiss as he got off me, but not before placing a protective hand on my belly.
“Don’t move,” he ordered and got out of bed.
I couldn’t make my limbs move even if I wanted to, so I had no problem staying put as he came back a few minutes later with a washcloth.
After cleaning me up real quick, he came back to pull me into his arms, resting my head on his shoulders with a strong arm to hold me in place.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Since we have no more secrets…” Cailean trailed off, sounding a bit unsure which was unusual. If anything, Cailean was always sure of himself.
“Yes?” I could feel my body stiffen, preparing for what he was about to reveal.
“Something you said earlier has been bothering the bloody hell out of me. Two things, actually, but let’s start with your dream nursery or whatever the fuck you want to call it.”
“What about it?”
“When I first opened the bar, I hadn’t really pictured myself with a family so living here after Sebastian moved in with Hanna didn’t seem like such a big deal. More of a convenience, really. I mean, I’m always down there anyway so why bother with an expensive apartment.”
“Okay.” I was confused as to where he was going with this. “Are you moving out?”
“We’re moving out. After you told me about your dream life, I realized I couldn’t fix who you’re having the baby with, but I could help out with the house part.”
“You’re not serious?” I asked, sitting up.
“We’re going to look at houses next week.” I opened my mouth to argue because there was no way I couldn’t. Moving in with Cailean had been a big deal, but moving in together to a house we both picked out was never going to be in our cards. This was temporary. But before I could get any words out, he put his hand over my mouth. “You can argue until you’re blue in the face, babe, but it’s happening.”
I nodded, but I think we both knew I wasn’t agreeing to anything. He wanted to move to a bigger place to make room for the baby? Fine. He wanted my help finding said new place? Fine, I would help. Would I be moving in with him? That would be a big, fat Hell. No. Allie would be gaining a roommate after all and I chose to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach as Cailean finally removed his hand from my mouth.
“You said two things bothered you, what was the other one?” I was almost afraid of asking, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it unless I did.
“Your boring as fuck dream-dude.”
“I never said he was my dream guy. It was just how I pictured my life if I were to ever settle down. I never said I wanted a house or a different guy and now I’m regretting telling you about it in the first place.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Well, then you just have to realize that I come with baggage, dreams and a past just like you. I mean, I’m not up at night thinking about your dream girl, which I’m sure looks nothing like me.”
“She looks exactly like you.” I huffed at his cheesy line, but it did nothing to stop him from continuing, kissing his way down my body, “She has these exact gorgeous tits; just the right amount for a handful. This amazing little bump in her belly that holds my child, which makes me so fucking hard every time I see it.”
“There’s no missing it now.” I giggled.
“Exactly. Good thing my girl is insatiable these days so that she can accommodate my needs.”
“You’re ridiculous.” I pulled him away from my belly to give him a kiss because somehow he turned our conversation around and made me forget all about what type of girl he dreamt about.
“But I’m your ridiculous, Gert. It doesn’t matter who came before you because there will be no one after you. You’ve always been mine in my mind.”
Always yours, my mind said back what my lips didn’t. In a way, I had always been Cailean’s - in high school I had been his prey, in Vegas I had become his wife and the mother of his child, and now, now I didn’t really know what I was, but I knew he had a piece of me that I would never get back.
Chapter 16
◆◆◆
”I CAN’T BELIEVE this is really happening,” I mumbled nervously, twisting my fingers i
n my lap.
Cailean grabbed my hand and squeezed it with his big one. ”Either way, it’s amazing.”
”But what if it’s a boy...” I trailed off. ”I’ll feel so guilty.”
”Stop, babe,” Cailean said sternly. ”If it’s a lad, you’ll love him just as much as if it’d been a wee little girl.”
A while back I had voiced my wishes of wanting a little girl without even realizing I had done so. It was more like I wanted a girl for the convenience of it – I was a girl and therefore my brain thought it would make it easier to raise her. Heaven knew what I would do with a boy.
”Gertrude Anderson,” someone interrupted us before I had a chance to object.
”When are you going to change your last name?” Cailean asked as we stood up.
”Never,” I told him honestly and he had to let it go because this really wasn’t a good place to discuss it anyway.
”You’re so fucking stubborn,” he muttered as we followed the technician into a dark hallway.
The room we were led to looked exactly the same as it had the last time we had been here.
I can’t believe it’s been more than two months...
”Okay, Gertrude. Please lay down on the bed and pull your shirt up and pants down,” the technician said. I was too nervous to correct my name and went straight to doing what she told. I was just happy she was less flirty than the last technician had.
Cailean must have felt my nervousness once again and as soon as I had laid down on the crinkly paper, he grabbed my hand. It was a small comfort, but I doubted that anything could calm me down right now.
”Ready to get started?” she asked brightly as she had pulled my pants down a bit and squirted the gel on my belly. I’d had a bump for a little while now, but it looked so much bigger lying down and while I was transfixed with my growing bump, Cailean took it upon himself to give an eager affirmative. ”I’m just going to take a few measurements first. Did you want to know the gender today if the baby is cooperative?”
I should have said no. That would have put so much stress out of my life, even though that stress would come back in five months. I should still have said no, but I found myself saying the complete opposite, ”Yes.”
I couldn’t keep my eyes off the screen as the technician probed me back and forth. I knew I was pregnant and I had accepted it, but to actually see my baby just made it so real somehow. Cailean must have been feeling something similar because he held my hand a little tighter and his eyes were getting watery. It made me smile and he noticed.
”Thank you,” he whispered so quietly that I barely heard him at all as he brought my hand up to his lips and let it stay there. I didn’t know what he was thanking me for – he was just as much of a parent as I was.
”Okay, I’m just about done,” the technician announced. At first I was worried when she didn’t mention that everything looked good and that the baby was healthy, but then I remembered that she wouldn’t do that. She was just here to take some pictures of the baby and then send them off to my doctor. Still, an ’everything looks great’ would have been nice. ”Are you ready to find out if it’s a girl or a boy?”
Cailean nodded for the both of us. My eyes were still stuck on the screen and I couldn’t look away if my life depended on it.
”It looks like...” she trailed off, sliding the probe across my belly until she found the right angle. ”It looks like you’re having a little girl.”
I was never one to show much emotions, but I felt as if I would burst as she said those words. I was going to have a little princess and with my luck, she would look just like her daddy. Allie was never going to shut up about shopping and my mom was going to be so happy to have a granddaughter, probably insisting we named her after some awful Shakespeare character like she had me.
Oh, crap...
It had been a long time since I’d had to remind myself that my mom wasn’t here anymore. In the beginning, I’d had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that she was gone, but over the years I had accepted it... until now.
The technician continued to take the last few measurements as I was lying there in a daze. Cailean was too wrapped up in the computer screen, just as I should have been, to even notice my internal breakdown. After finally going to the bathroom, relieving myself and willing my tears to stay back until I was in the safety of our bedroom, we got our pictures and then we were on our way.
I was naive to think Cailean didn’t notice the change in my mood. As soon as we were outside, he pulled me aside from the busy walkway and looked down at me. I couldn’t bring myself to look back at him, afraid that all my emotions would come pouring out at once.
”Are you okay?” he asked after a little while.
Him asking me if I was okay only made it worse and a small tear escaped.
”Yeah,” I lied. He gently grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him.
”This little girl is not a disappointment and I already love her so much it fucking hurts.” He thought I was worried that she wasn’t going to be loved, but I already knew she was going to be. ”She’s not a mistake and she’s definitely not a disappointment.” He said that last part almost as if he was speaking to himself. I didn’t say anything back, worried that I might break apart in front of him.
He gave me a quick kiss before he let me go. It scared me how much I wanted him to pull me in to his arms and continue kissing me. His touch soothed me instead of making me cringe. I should be pulling away from him in every sense, but instead I found myself leaning toward him more and more.
The car ride home was a quiet one. I couldn’t stop staring at the new pictures of our daughter.
Our daughter.
She already looked so beautiful even though I only had these grainy pictures of her.
”You want me to come upstairs with you?” Cailean asked as he parked the car. I could tell that he was trying to make sense of my mood and that he was starting to get worried.
”No, you have a bar to run. You should go. I’ll be fine,” I answered, trying to convince both him and myself that I just needed a minute by myself.
Besides, since it had been an afternoon appointment, he was already running late. Sure, it was a Tuesday and the crowd would be a bit smaller at the bar, but there would be a crowd nonetheless. I had been caught up on all the paperwork he let me handle, but to be honest, I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and being in the bar was far from quiet and lonely.
”You’re more important than my fucking business, Gertie,” he insisted as we got out of the car. ”Our daughter is more important and if you need me to stay with you, I will.”
”I know you would. I promise I’m fine and I promise to call you if I need you.”
I could tell that he didn’t believe me, so I grabbed his face and pressed a hard kiss on his lips. I knew that only fueled his worry, but he still pulled me closer as if he craved my touch just as much as I craved his. I let him go before he could deepen the kiss and walked ahead of him so he wouldn’t be able to see the tears that were finally breaking free.
For a minute, I was worried that he was going to follow me upstairs, but he got stopped by Charlotte as soon as we walked inside the bar. I couldn’t see him with my back turned, but I could feel his worry as I walked up the stairs and to his apartment.
Still, he didn’t follow.
I made my way to the bed through blurry vision. Now that the tears had started, they wouldn’t stop coming until I was completely dried up.
I grabbed the frame from the nightstand. Even though my stay with Cailean was temporary, I still felt the need to be close to my mom. In the picture, she looked happy while holding on to a three-year-old me. It was before everything went downhill in our lives. My mom had been a classic beauty and while I had inherited a few of her features – the color of my eyes and hair, and the shape of my nose – I didn’t look much like her. Her dark hair was thick and curly, and her skin had a slight tan to it. I wondered if my baby would look a little
like her.
More tears streamed down my face, knowing how happy she would be and how she would make plans to go shopping as soon as possible.
”It’s a girl, Mom.” I rubbed my belly, trying to imagine my mom’s face. ”You’re going to have a granddaughter.”
I pulled the frame to my chest and laid down on the bed. For the first time in over a year, I allowed myself to cry over missing my mom. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I missed her more than I could ever imagine. However, that was nothing compared to the ache in my chest right now. How the hell was I supposed to raise a little girl without my mom?
Sometime later, I could hear my phone ringing in the distance, but I didn’t bother getting up to see who it might be. I was too tired, my head was too heavy and my eyes were too puffy from all the crying – company was the last thing I wanted right now.
I didn’t know how long I had been in bed, a few hours perhaps, before I felt the bed dip behind me and it wasn’t long before a pair of strong arms wrapped around me, making me start crying all over again. He didn’t need to talk, I knew it was Cailean who had showed up. Most likely due to a worried call from one of the girls or maybe he had gotten worried when I hadn’t gone downstairs to tell him goodnight.
“It’s alright, love, I’ve got you,” Cailean said soothingly, placing a small kiss on my neck.
I cried until there was nothing left within me – all my energy had left my body and what was left was a blubbering mess with a swollen face. Cailean was still there; I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, something that was oddly comforting. However, not as comforting as his fingers lightly tracing my belly.
“When the ultrasound technician told us that it was a girl, the first thing I thought was how happy my mom would be to have a little granddaughter.” My voice was raspy, almost to the point where it made me cringe and I took a deep breath before I continued, “For a short second, I forgot that she wasn’t here anymore and when I realized that she’s not, it felt almost as if she had died all over again.”
Cailean didn’t say anything, but I felt his fingers continuing to stroke my belly in a comforting way. I didn’t need him to say anything. In fact, it was probably for the best that he didn’t. All I needed was for someone to listen.