‘Really? Oh thanks! I thought what with you having three sisters…’
‘I’ll need a fourth to balance things up.’ Beata chewed her lip guiltily. ‘I haven’t seen them in ages.’ She met Augusta regularly in church but had visited neither Mims nor Maddie for many a month. ‘I really should go see how they are and arrange for them to meet Tommy.’
First, though, there was Jack’s wedding to be endured.
* * *
Following a month of worry over the imagined awkwardness of the occasion, she finally stood before her old sweetheart, shaking his hand and congratulating him, and found that it was not half so awful as she had feared. This was, in part, thanks to Lucy, who had kept the promise to support her throughout the afternoon, the same afternoon as her nineteenth birthday. More gratitude was due to the bride, Mary, who was very sweet and, in contrast to the gushing bout of hypocrisy from Mrs Lister, gave Beata a genuinely warm welcome, even though she was aware of what had occurred between this girl and Jack. But the main reason was that she herself experienced no sense of jealousy or loss. Faced with that good-looking groom she did not imagine what it might have been like to stand at the altar beside him – could have been looking at a stranger – envisioned only her own darling Tommy.
Totally relaxed and happy with Lucy at her side, she went on thoroughly to enjoy the wedding breakfast, even refusing to show how upset she was by an overheard confidence from Mrs Lister to a relative: ‘I detest the thought of my grandchildren being raised as Catholics but what can you do? We had to do as we were bidden but this generation has no respect for their elders.’
No, if anyone felt awkward it was Jack. He was quite obviously sorry for letting her down. Though unable to express his guilt it showed in his eyes when, slipping away from his bride, he approached Beata towards the end of the afternoon and drew her away from his sister. ‘I’m glad you felt able to come, Beat.’
‘Thank you for inviting me. I’ve had a lovely time. And I like Mary very much.’
Warmth lit the groom’s eye. ‘Yes, she’s a grand lass, isn’t she?’
‘Lucy told me you got to keep your job as butler. Will you still be working for the major now or—’
‘Yes, he very kindly found us accommodation nearby so nothing’s changed really. He even still lets me borrow the car sometimes too.’ Jack grinned.
Smiling and thanking him once again for the invitation, she shook his hand then made as if to return to Lucy.
‘I just wanted—’
She turned expectantly.
‘I wondered, that is, we both wondered … we’d like you to be godmother to our first child if we’re fortunate enough to be blessed.’
Beata laughed with sheer surprise.
‘I know it’s a bit premature, but I wanted to ask you in person rather than via Lucy when it becomes fact, and I know you won’t be coming here again after today.’
She agreed that this was probably true.
‘I’m sorry about Mother,’ he blurted.
‘Not to worry.’ Beata’s face was kind. ‘I’m happy.’
‘I know, our Lucy told me. I’m right glad, Beat. So will you do it for us? I can’t think of anyone I’d rather trust.’
‘I’ll be honoured,’ nodded Beata sincerely, and, as she went to take her leave of Lucy, thought what a lovely day this had turned out to be.
With thoughts as to her own betrothal, she asked if her friend would mind very much if she were to spend her next afternoon off visiting her sisters. It was time she prepared them for the event that she might be moving away. ‘Gus has had word that Mims’ll be going away to work on a farm soon so I’d better get a letter off and see if she can come over to stay.’
‘What about the other one?’
‘Madeleine’s away in the country looking after a patient. God help the patient.’ Beata gave her characteristic chuckle, little sound emerging but her whole body shaking and her eyes screwed up in mirth.
Watching all the other guests, Lucy mused, ‘Didn’t you ever consider becoming a nurse, Beat?’
The question surprised her. ‘Whatever made you ask that?’
‘I just thought you might be better suited to it than domestic service.’
Beata gave an adamant shake of head. ‘Doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll leave that to our Maddie. I can’t see anyone wanting to marry her!’
27
Maddie loved her work at The Retreat, its forty acres of beautiful grounds, tranquil wards and progressive methods of nursing far removed from the type of grim madhouse that still unfortunately existed elsewhere. General nursing had been rewarding, yes, but for one who had always been tormented because of her name it was much more deeply satisfying to care for these poor bewildered souls who really were mad, temporarily or otherwise.
Esme was one of the temporary variety, her suicidal leanings induced as a result of parturition. She had given birth twice before and had suffered deep melancholy as a result, but it was her third son who was responsible for triggering this extreme reaction. Unrecognizable from the normally loving wife and mother, within a fortnight of him being born she had tried to drown herself in the ornamental pond of her country estate. Fortunately the gardener had been on hand to save her and steps taken to prevent a recurrence, though her wealthy husband had not deemed it fitting that she should be incarcerated in an asylum, and instead a nurse, Maddie, had been summoned to live in.
Mr Black was some years older than his wife. Surprised by Madeleine’s youth, he had initially been dubious about this owlish redhead’s ability to handle such responsibility, but within hours was reassured.
Ever watchful, but experienced enough to allow Esme sufficient personal freedom so that she did not feel trapped in her own domain, over the months that Maddie had been administering her care she had seen Esme grow from a terrified, self-destructive wreck who could barely tell the time into something resembling a human being. Now there were signs that her assignment would soon be over.
On the one hand glad that her patient was recovered, she would be sorry to leave. It was a beautiful dwelling, not large but elegant, set in two landscaped acres with rolling countryside beyond and maintained by a troop of servants. At first Maddie had been treated as one of them, but, impressed by her tender ministrations to his wife, Mr Black had soon begun to relax his attitude and to recognize just what this girl had done for him and his boys. Perhaps his feelings towards her were engendered by guilt. He purported to love his wife, yet it had been Maddie, not he, who responded to Esme’s anguished yells at any hour of the day or night, who wrestled with her to administer medication, then held and stroked her comfortingly till the devils had been exorcized. Whatever his reason, in honour of this he began to include her in the family circle, even inviting her to sit with them at dinner, and whenever they went on an outing Maddie would come along too, not in the role of nurse but, as Esme termed her, ‘my dear companion’.
Maddie had grown close to her patient too. Difficult and exasperating though the mentally deranged could be, she found it hard not to, for, leaving aside the illness, Esme was everything she herself could only ever dream of being: dark and elegant, sweet-natured, graceful, ladylike, altogether lovable. But she envied her also, for her house, her servants, her provider. What Maddie would give for a husband such as this. Yet, hungry as she was for the lifestyle, the craving was not just a mercenary one. At first she had seen Mr Black merely as an employer, a stuffed shirt impervious to his wife’s suffering whose only reason for hiring a nurse was to avoid the embarrassment of having the world know that his spouse was in an asylum, who, in response to the poor creature’s distress, hid his face behind a newspaper whilst someone else dealt with the problem.
But one day, in a moment when his guard was down, she accidentally glimpsed his true character, saw, beyond the panoply of hauteur, a glint of sheer anguish, and she came to understand that his avoidance was not because he did not care but that he cared too much. He could not bear to see Esme suffer and so he pretended th
at it was not happening, leaving her to Maddie who coped with it so much better. It was in the knowledge of this that the young nurse began to grow close to her patient’s husband too, pitying his dreadful plight, for in the throes of delusion Esme could be very tiresome. And in that same knowledge, at some point, Maddie’s allegiance began to shift.
Mr Black felt differently towards her too. She could tell. The private words of gratitude were now laced with a look of devotion. A look that said he felt as much for her as she did for him. Sharing such an ordeal, how could he not?
And tomorrow she would be forced to leave, never to see him again.
But there was still tonight and she must make the most of it, as an excited Esme was doing now, donning her new silk evening gown, applying make-up and jewellery, helped by the young nurse who had also become a friend. It had been decided that Mrs Black was well enough now to receive guests, and a dinner party had been arranged for a few close friends. In appreciation of her services Maddie had been invited as guest of honour.
Fastening the diamond clasp of Esme’s necklace, Maddie stepped back to smile at the reflection in the dressing-table mirror. ‘You look stunning.’
‘Thank you, dear.’ Poised at her dressing table, Esme’s dark-brown eyes glowed with warmth. Then, taking in Maddie’s reflection, she appeared to have a sudden thought for she rotated swiftly and announced, ‘You must wear something special too!’ And so saying she gave access to her wardrobe.
Maddie looked unsure. She was here in the role of nurse and normally wore her uniform. It might be frowned upon to shed it. But, hungry to play the part, at Esme’s insistence, she took little persuading.
Clad in midnight-blue silk, a little too long but otherwise a perfect fit, Maddie gazed wondrously into the mirror, fingering the row of pearls at her freckled throat and pretending for that moment that this was her room, her dress, her necklace, her husband. She would have continued to stare for much longer had not Esme disturbed her dream by saying how charming she looked. Taking the offered arm, she went down to dine in the hope that the husband would be equally influenced.
The atmosphere downstairs was all very genteel, everyone in evening dress. Far from feeling out of place, Maddie adored it and, maintaining the fantasy in her mind that she was lady of the house, fitted in perfectly, until the two little boys and the baby were brought into the drawing room to say good night to their parents. Watching Esme and her husband – yes, her husband, Maddie told herself, not yours – watching them fuss over their children her composure slipped and instantly she shrank to her true position, just a nurse who was here to tend a patient, a nurse who would be gone tomorrow and soon forgotten. But then he glanced at her over Esme’s head, held her eye with such warmth, such love, that she just knew she had not been mistaken, and hope was rekindled.
The children were put to bed, the adults went in to dine and Maddie was back in control. Disappointed not to be seated next to Mr Black, she soon discovered why he preferred the chair opposite. Throughout the meal there were so many desirous looks exchanged between them that she felt sure one of the other guests must have noticed. It was the most wonderful evening of her life.
Having endured a quiet existence for so many months, Esme was worn out by the excitement and apologized to her guests as first coffee, then brandy was poured in the drawing room. ‘Oh, it’s been so lovely to see you all! But would anyone mind if I went to bed? I’m utterly exhausted.’
After joking apologies for being so boring, the close family friends said that of course they did not. ‘We ought to be going soon ourselves,’ added one.
‘Oh no, stay and keep Charles company,’ begged Esme. ‘He’s had such a miserable time of it lately and it’s been such a magnificent evening.’ She began to glide to the door.
Bitterly dissatisfied, Maddie rose from the chintz armchair to accompany her.
But Esme insisted that she did not require help. ‘Please, Madeleine, you too must stay and enjoy your last night here. I insist.’
Trying to disguise her joy, Maddie turned enquiringly to Mr Black.
‘If that is what my wife commands then that is what you must do.’ And with a smile he summoned her back to the circle.
After the door closed on Esme the others stayed for only a short while, but it was worth it just to be granted an extra half an hour in his company. In addition there was the opportunity to keep up her fantasy as the guests finally left, Maddie standing at Black’s elbow as he bade everyone good night, nodding genteelly and pretending that she was mistress of the house.
The maid closed the door, the hall fell quiet. A moment of despondency ensued: it was all over, she must go to bed.
Until he said, ‘I noticed you didn’t finish your brandy, Madeleine. Was it not to your taste?’
She hastened to assure him that it had been very palatable. ‘I just didn’t have time to drink it.’
Then you must.’ He indicated for her to accompany him back to the drawing room.
Heart pulsating, she hesitated only slightly, then complied.
He picked up her glass of unfinished brandy. ‘Would you care for a top-up?’
‘Thank you.’ She wondered whether he would come to sit on the sofa beside her, but after handing her the crystal he took a separate chair.
However, it was close enough for intimacy. ‘I wanted to tell you how greatly I appreciate all that you’ve done for my wife and for me too.’
Maddie looked modest. ‘I’ve only done the job I’m paid to do.’ Then her heart pitched as she realized how this might sound and she added hastily, ‘Though, of course, I care greatly for Mrs Black’s welfare.’
There was kindness in his smile. ‘I can tell you do.’
‘I’m so glad she’s recovered.’
‘So am I. So am I.’ Gaze downcast, he stared thoughtfully into his glass, swilling its contents round occasionally. ‘But I shall be sorry to see you go.’ He looked up then, looked her directly in the eye making her heart beat even faster. ‘I’m ashamed that in all the time you’ve been here I’ve never taken the time to ask about yourself.’
Her sandy, almost non-existent eyebrows arched in surprise. ‘There’s nothing much to tell.’
‘I know that’s not the case. I’ve watched you. You have remarkable attributes for one so youthful and I’d like to know from whom you inherited them.’
Taking a deep breath, she said, ‘Father was an infantry officer. He’s dead now, so is Mother.’
‘I’m sorry to hear it. And what of the rest of your family?’
‘I’ve three brothers – I don’t see much of them; they live elsewhere – and three sisters.’
‘And are they nurses like you?’ He ran his eyes over her auburn hair.
‘No, the youngest one’s a scholar and the other two are married. In fact,’ she looked around the room, ‘this house reminds me very much of my elder sister’s.’ One after another the lies slipped out.
‘Ah, I suppose that’s why you appear to be so at home here.’ Black smiled and shifted in his chair.
‘Yes, I’ve been very comfortable,’ she murmured unblushingly, then lowered her sandy lashes and took a sip of her brandy.
The discourse continued for a while longer. Plied with soft enquiry, she responded with romance, ashamed of her true background and desperately wanting to remain on a par with her host, not out of any spiteful notion that he would leave his wife for her, but simply for the moment; the last they would have together.
The moment lasted longer than she could have hoped for. He prolonged his intimate quizzing of her long after midnight, showing great reluctance upon finally rising from his chair in order that the servants might be allowed to go to bed. As they made their way up the staircase together and paused on the landing for a second it appeared to Maddie that he was expecting her to go with him, for he took her hand and his green eyes bored into hers for long moments. But just when she felt ready to faint, he dealt her hand a swift kiss and said, ‘Thank you for ever
ything, Madeleine. Good night.’ And he swivelled on his patent shoes and strode away.
‘Good night,’ she whispered, then hurried to her own room, pressing her shoulders against the door for a while and listening alertly with breathless anticipation before accepting that he had truly gone.
Thrill mingling with sadness, she too went to bed.
* * *
‘Dear Madeleine,’ said Esme with a little moan in her voice at the breakfast table next morning, ‘we are going to miss you.’
Back in her nurse’s uniform, Maddie felt wretched, both at leaving and for the thoughts that had kept her awake most of the night. ‘I shall miss you too. Oh, by the way, I left your dress and necklace on my bed. Thank you very much for the loan of them.’
Esme shared an intimate smile with her husband. ‘Mr Black and I should like you to keep them,’ she spoke above Maddie’s gasp of astonishment, ‘as a token of our gratitude and esteem.’
Ignorant over whether such a gift as pearls would be in order, Maddie was not about to refuse, and stuttered her thanks.
Ultimately this lovely interval came to its rightful conclusion. Her case packed, the job done, Nurse Kilmaster stood in the hall waiting for the car to be driven round, in the meantime taking leave of the little boys who had been brought in to shake her hand.
The Blacks insistent on accompanying her to the train, she was chauffeured to a small but busy country railway station where on the platform she finally took her leave of them.
‘Thank you once again for everything.’ Black removed his hat and engaged her hand in a sincere grip, the intensity of his feelings travelling up Maddie’s arm and into her heart. In a panic now that she would never see him again, she gazed into his eyes, imploring silently, Give me a sign, tell me you want me to stay.
But his only response was to let go and step aside, allowing his wife to deliver her own gratitude with a fond kiss to Maddie’s cheek.
Bereft, she managed to conjure a smile and waved to both of them from the train, pleased with a job well done, happy that Esme was well again, but sorrowful to be leaving the man about whom she would dream all the way home.
A Different Kind of Love Page 61