I decided that I was going to talk to him about it the next chance I got.
As if he had been given a cue, my father entered the dining hall, and his eyes scanned the room until they landed on me. He smiled and headed toward my table. I started to get nervous as he got closer to me. I had thought I was going to have a bit more time to think of what to say to him. I sucked in a deep breath as he sat down across from me.
It was now or never.
Chapter Four
I finished taping my last box as my father stood in the doorway of my bedroom and watched me. I could tell that he didn’t like it that I was leaving, but when I told him that I wanted to move into my own apartment, he didn’t try to stop me. He had nodded and stood up from the dinner table without saying a word.
He knew that I was old enough, and there was nothing that could truly stop me. Still, I knew that it was going to take time for him to process it and get used to living alone. I also knew, however, that I needed to be independent from him and make my own choices.
It wasn’t like we weren’t technically under the same roof still, but we would be almost a mile apart, give or take a few hallways.
I looked around at the bare walls, remembering the time that I had spent in the room. Some memories, I cherished, and some, I hated. The one thing they all had in common was that they made me into the man I am. It was time for me to move into my own space and grow into manhood even more, and I hoped that my father would understand that.
“You know, you don’t have to move, Jake,” he said. “I know you are of legal age to do so now, but there is nothing wrong with you staying here a bit longer, if you want.”
“I know, Dad, but it is time for me to go. It is time for me to be on my own and use the life lessons that you have taught me. I’ll just be on the other side of the complex, and you can visit me anytime,” I assured him.
I knew that he was going to be lonely for a while, and I was a bit sad at the thought. At the same time, I knew that he had been without me before. He would be okay.
I stretched out across my bed as my father left the doorway. I looked around the room one last time before dozing off. It was the last time I would sleep in my bed under my father’s roof, and I took comfort in knowing that the next time I went to sleep, it would be in my own place.
*****
I woke the next morning with excitement burning inside me. Quickly, I took my bed apart, and Dad helped me load it in an electric dolly that he’d borrowed from The Force. We piled the boxes into the electric dolly, around and on top of the bed, and we began to maneuver it through the halls to my apartment.
The Force complex was a never-ending maze of a building that weaved through smaller buildings, connected by hallway after hallway. If you hadn’t been in The Force for a while, it was very easy to get lost. It took me a long time to memorize everything to the point where I didn’t get lost going to the gym or the mess hall, or even the bathroom.
I didn’t know a soul that came into the building who didn’t get lost in the maze the halls created.
Stopping just short of my new place, I unlocked the door and stepped into the empty space that I now called home. I looked around. I couldn’t believe it was all mine. I went back outside into the hall and climbed onto the electric dolly, where I began handing my father boxes to carry in.
After what felt like a lifetime of walking back and forth, I took the last box in. Then, it was time for my bed to go in. We wrestled the box springs and mattress inside and leaned them against the bedroom wall before unloading the frame.
Once everything was unloaded, I walked my father to the door and leaned against the doorframe. I smiled, nudging Dad’s arm with my elbow. “I really appreciate your help with moving today, Dad. I know you really didn’t want me to, and I thank you for allowing me the chance to grow.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want you to, son,” he replied. “It’s just… I am not sure if I know how to be alone again or if I even want to.”
Once again, the thought of us alone without him sprung to my mind, and I felt the anger that I thought I had buried deep down trying to come boiling out. I bit my tongue hard to keep the angry words from coming out of my mouth, but I think he knew what I was thinking by the look on my face.
He had never told me why we had to think he was dead, or why he spent so much time without us. I spent so many years wondering about it that our relationship had become strained. I knew that the only way that it would ever be better would be if he told me the truth about what happened back then. I had tried to ask him about it several different times, and every time, he shot me down. I knew that one day, he would eventually tell me, because I couldn’t imagine him keeping something like that a secret and taking it to his grave with him.
“I know you still have anger towards myself because I left you three alone,” he said when he noticed the look on my face, “but I need you to understand; it was not something that I really wanted to do.”
“Why won’t you tell me why you did it? Why is it such a big deal that it remains a secret from me?” The words burst from my mouth. “I am a man now, if you haven’t noticed.”
“We have talked about it before, Jake, and I really don’t want to talk about it again,” he replied sounding annoyed. “And a man you may be, but that doesn’t mean anything when you are talking to your superior… remember that, first of all.”
“I know what position you are in, father,” I said dryly. “You have always dangled that tidbit over my head, something I would never do to my son… if I ever have one… Also, if we talked about it, I must have been quite young, because I have no memory of what you said.” I felt anger rise higher inside me.
“Yes, I suppose I could see that considering how small you were,” he relented. “I.’’ tell you what: Let’s take a break from unpacking and get some water. I will tell you what you want to know.”
It was shaping up to be a good day. I had my independence and he was finally going to answer a question that had been burning in my mind for most of my life. Maybe once I had the answer, I wouldn’t feel so betrayed by him anymore.
We walked out to the dolly, and I pulled a couple of canteens out of a cooler in the back. I slid down the wall and sat on the ground in the hall outside my apartment, and he followed. He cleared his throat while handing me the canteen.
“I tried explaining it to you when you were younger, but I wasn’t sure you understood what I had said. I should’ve known that one day I would have to repeat the story. It isn’t something that I am proud of, but it had to be done. There was no other way around it if I wanted the job that I had dreamed of for years. It sounds selfish of me, I know, but I thought I was doing what was best for my family.” He paused and took a drink.
“It really does sound selfish of you,” I told him. “You have no idea how hard things were for us once you left. We barely had any money and barely any food.”
“I knew it that was going to be difficult, but I was sending your mother money disguised as widow’s benefits from the government,” he confessed. “Even though I wasn’t there physically, I was doing what I could to care for you three. I had no idea that Cole had even been taken, because he was in a different group than the one I oversaw. It wasn’t until the day they released him that I was told what happened. I had to fake my death, Jake. My participation in The Force had to be a secret, and the only way I knew how to do that was make everyone think I had died. It kept you safe from The Elected… at least, it was supposed to.”
I sat silent, not sure what to say to the things he had confessed to me. I knew deep down that my father was a good man, and I also knew that he loved us. I still resented him for leaving us to suffer while he went and chased his dream job, but on the other hand, I understood why he did it. I wondered to myself if I would do the same thing if I had a family.
Right then and there, I promised my future wife and children (should I have any) that I would be nothing like my father, and that I would FIGHT for them to be free
one day.
“I get why you did what you did, Dad, but I am still mad about the time I spent without you and the hard times we had because you were gone,” I admitted. “I think there will always be a part of me that resents that.”
“I know, son,” he replied. “I am truly sorry for the way things happened. I wish that I could go back and do things differently. If I could, I would’ve brought you three with me, but I can’t change it.”
With that, we jumped up from the ground and threw the canteens in the cooler before heading back in to finish up the unpacking.
I thought a lot about the things he told me while I put my bed together and put the sheets on it. I wasn’t going to have much in the way of furniture, but at least I had a bed to sleep on.
The apartment was all one room, so my bed was on one side of the room, while my sitting area would be on the other side… once I got furniture to sit on. There was a small closet for my clothes on the side of the room where my bed would be set up, and my bathroom was off to the left. It was only sectioned off by a partial wall of only four feet tall.
There was a sort of makeshift kitchen in the far corner of my space. One sink, two burners, a hot pot and a tiny refrigerator were there. I was going to need to find things to cook and other things to fill the five small cabinets that lined the far side of the wall.
Once my sheets were on the bed, I turned to look at the side of the room that I would have to get furniture for. I was shocked to see one lone chair sitting in the room.
“I took it the day they were murdered, and I put it in storage,” my father said as I looked the chair over. “I knew that one day, you would have a place of your own. She would’ve wanted you to have that chair.”
Seeing my mother’s chair again brought back memories that flooded my mind like a river. That chair had brought so much comfort to my brother and I. We would sit at the foot of it and listen to our mother tell us stories about her childhood, as well as her young adult years before she met our father. I watched her sit in that chair and read countless books. She’d also crocheted scarves and mittens for people in our community.
Tears sprung to my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away before my father could see. He had always said that crying made one weak, and I didn’t want him to think that about me.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said as I sat in the chair. “This really means a lot to me. I thought everything from the house was gone long ago.”
“Most of it did get thrown away because of blood splatter, but I was able to salvage her chair and your brother’s beside table, which I will bring you another day. I have a meeting soon, so I must go now. I want you to know that I am immensely proud of you for proving to me that you are becoming a strong, young man. I know that your mother and brother would be proud of you, too.” His voice began to shake.
My father rarely showed any kind of emotion, so for him to show me his soft side was a big step. He grabbed me in a hug and squeezed a bit before letting go and getting in the truck. I watched as he pulled away and headed to his side of the complex. I headed back inside to finish unboxing everything and make the place my own.
I decided to move my mother’s chair to the foot of my bed, so she would be close to me in a way. It was weird, but I felt like I could feel her with me whenever I was in or near that chair. I sat down in it for a few minutes, letting it wrap me in a hug. It felt like the hugs she used to give. I shook it off, and then, I got up to continue arranging things the way I wanted them to be. I smiled, knowing that she would always be with me.
As I worked to finish cleaning my space, I kept looking at my mother’s chair off and on. It allowed the memories of her and Cole to flow through my mind like a movie. They had been gone for so long, and I missed them both terribly. I was happy that my father had been able to get the chair for me, and I knew that there would never be anything I would be able to do for him to say thank you.
I let my thoughts wander to the things he said to me, and I knew that, while he had taken a big step in mending our relationship, it would be tested even more when he realized that I really did not want to be a phase leader next year. I had meant what I said. This time was going to be my last until they found a different way to acquire their soldiers. I just hoped that he would not hate me forever. If he did, oh well. I had lived without him once; I was sure that I could do it again.
Chapter Five
I finished unpacking around eleven and decided it was time for me to go to bed. I had been at it all afternoon after my father had left, and I almost had the place the way I wanted it. I knew that I needed sleep, since the next day was gym day- and the day things would progress in The Force… It was April, after all.
I liked to work out at the gym as much as I could, so that I would be in good shape when it came time to be phase leader. Everyone liked to tease me and say that I kept myself in shape for the ladies, but there were no ladies flocking to get with me.
I was suspicious that everyone thought Samantha and I were together, because we were pretty much together all the time. No one seemed to realize that she was my best friend and only that. I wasn’t really worried about the whole relationship thing. I had seen a few of my friends get hurt by people who supposedly loved them, and I knew that when I made the decision to be with someone, I wanted it to be the way my parents had been before my father left.
I stretched out on the bed and yawned as the exhaustion finally caught up with me. I turned the bedside lamp off and ran my fingers across the wood of the table that my father had found time to bring me. Just having it in my room made me feel close to Cole again. I wanted so badly for him to be here with me, but I knew that he was in a better place. He wouldn’t like the way things had been going if he were still around.
I let my thoughts wander to a time when Cole and I were younger. The days at The Lecture Compound were too boring for us, so we would skip lecture and sneak our way to the border of The Corridor. We would sit for hours and talk about what life would have been like if things were still the way they had been before WWIII, and what jobs we might have had when we grew up.
The main thing we wanted, though, was to be able to use water and electricity whenever we needed to. Cole often said that if things were still the way they were back then, he would have wanted to be a farmer and grow lots of vegetables, so that no one would go hungry again.
The government didn’t allow us personal gardens because they wanted everyone to depend on them for everything. Cole was passionate about helping other people, and I loved that about him. I had never been as compassionate as he was. Perhaps I had grown colder from losing my brother, but I couldn’t say for sure.
I knew that I would never know.
I had always tried to honor his memory by being the same way, but it was hard to help people when you lived in a compound full of hard-hearted kidnappers and murderers who thought they were doing the right thing.
Was I becoming like them? Could I let that happen to me?
I needed to sleep, but I couldn’t get thoughts of Cole out of my head. I laughed at the childish memories that danced through my mind, but I yawned once more and rolled to my other side, pulling the blanket up to my chin. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to take me over.
It had been a long time since I had slept well, but I figured being on my own might be better. I soon faded as sleep pulled me under and dragged me to its actuality.
Suddenly, I was running. I couldn’t tell where I was because I was running so fast, but I was in a field of tall grass in a full-fledged Force uniform. What was happening? I didn’t want to be a member of The Force. I wanted to do something else. I didn’t agree with how they did things, and yet, I was in their clothes?
I looked to my right, and I saw a girl running beside me. She was also in a uniform, and I felt confused. She was tall and thin, with shoulder-length, dirty blond hair. Her eyes drew me in, and I couldn’t look away.
We were running together, and I kept looking back to see if anyone was fo
llowing us while she checked beside us. It seemed that we had a certain mission, but I didn’t understand what that mission was exactly. There was no talking to each other, yet we seemed to know what the other was thinking.
All we could do was run, and we ran until we found the green truck… she knew about the green truck? We hopped inside.
I struggled to find the key, but then, I remembered its hiding place. I sped off with her in the truck, only to find that the fence to the Forcefield was now a wall. The front end of the truck crumpled, and we were jarred senseless from the impact.
I raised my hand to my head, realizing that there was blood oozing from a wound. I ripped the end of my shirt off to apply pressure. From beside me, I heard the girl whimper and moan as she tried to sit up.
“Jake, are you all right? Want me to take a look at it?” she asked softly.
She knew my name. How did she know my name when I had no idea who she was? Was she a spy for The Elected?
I shrank away from her as she tried to look at my head, and she moved away from me. We had to get out of the truck, and I had to find out how she knew my name. Who was she? What did she want? About that, I had no idea.
I startled awake, and I realized that I was lying in a puddle of sweat. I sat up and wiped the sweat from my forehead, sighing heavily. I had no idea what that dream meant or if it even meant anything at all, but it had freaked me out.
I couldn’t even think about something happening to my truck. I would never be able to fix it again if it did. I had found the last remaining parts for it, and once they were gone, no more would be made.
I made my way to the bathroom before trying to go back to sleep.
I tossed and turned before realizing that I was fighting a losing battle and decided that I needed a snack before going back to bed. I knew that no one was supposed to be milling about in the middle of the night, but some of us did it anyway.
I had yet to stock my mini kitchen with food, so I was going to have to go to the main kitchen to find something… anything. I knew that most people would get in trouble for being up and about, but because my father was the Captain’s second in command, I got away with more than most kids did. I guess that was a perk and a curse at the same time.
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