He pulled her close again. “The house feels better with you in it.”
Kissing her soundly, he picked up his case. “I’m gonna take this up and change—wanna help me?”
She grinned. “Later—maybe after I get you some lunch.”
“Toasted cheese? And tomato soup?” he angled, figuring if she was in the mood to baby him, he wasn’t going to pass it up.
“Sure.”
He grinned and kissed her again, and went upstairs. Raine busied herself in the kitchen, and didn’t even hear him when he came quietly back into the kitchen.
“Raine?”
She turned from stirring the soup, and smiled. “Hey. Almost done here. Maybe you should get a fire going, it’s going to be a cold night.”
“Where are your things?”
She turned, wrinkling her forehead. “What?”
“Your stuff—your clothes, paperwork, your briefcase—nothing is here.”
She felt her muscles tense in response to the edge in his voice, and she kept her voice light and even.
“I took my things home. I stayed here for a day or so, but I was spending most of my time at the hospital with you, and I figured it was safe to go back—”
“You left? Why?”
Truly puzzled now, she turned the burner under the soup off and shrugged. “It was over, time for me to go home. There wasn’t any point in me staying here after things were settled.”
“Over? No point in you being here? How about the fact that we are together now, Raine? This is where you are supposed to be.” The words really grated as he said them, causing her anger to flare.
“Where I am supposed to be? What the hell does that mean? Yes, we are together, but I have my own house, my own life, and I needed to get back to it. We are still together. I don’t know what you are so upset about.”
“I told you I wanted you with me, every day, every night—in my bed. Not in another house, another town.”
She felt the blood drain from her face. “What are you saying? You expected me to live here? With you? Permanently?”
He was so angry she nearly flinched just from the expression on his face. She’d seen him angry before, but this was different. Something else was layered over the anger—hurt? She felt terrible when she realized what he had expected.
“Jack, be reasonable—we have only been together a few weeks, and under stressful circumstances. It was nice for you to let me stay here, and we obviously are together, but—” She paused, hearing the strain in her voice.
“Nice? You think I was nice to let you stay here? You want me to be reasonable?”
“Stop repeating everything I say.”
Crossing the kitchen in a few long steps, he backed her up against the sink, pressing into her, his face close.
“I don’t feel like being reasonable, Raine. I can’t believe you would pull away from me like this, just…up and leave. What do you want, Raine? How do you feel about me? What do you think this thing is between us?”
His eyes searched her face, and she stammered under the scrutiny, not able to form a reply before he continued.
“Because I’ll tell you, my ideas about us didn’t include you moving out and going happily on with your life—where did I fit into your plan, Raine? Am I in it?”
His eyes glittered, and she gazed back at him. “Yes, God, Jack, yes! I didn’t leave you, I just returned to my own home. I assumed we would keep seeing each other, see what it is we have, what we really feel…”
She couldn’t finish as he leaned even closer into her. “What we really feel? What do you really feel, Raine?”
“I…I— I’m not sure. It has all gone so fast, and there has been so much—how can we know for sure…?”
“I’ll tell you what I know for sure. I love you. I love you and I want you here with me, living with me, sleeping with me, sharing everything with me. I don’t want to date you, Raine—we crossed that line a long time ago.”
She couldn’t breathe—he loved her? He thought she was just going to live with him, to stay there and never go home? A feeling of uncertainty suddenly overwhelmed her, and she wiggled her way out of his tight hold. She crossed the kitchen, then whirled, turning on him, confused, angry and a million other things.
“You love me? And what does that mean? That you get to make all the decisions, that you decide what this relationship will be and I am supposed to just go along? I don’t think that is how you show you love someone.”
“Oh, and you didn’t do exactly the same thing, just moving out of here, and never mentioning a word of it? Why didn’t you say anything, Raine? You have spent every day with me, but never mentioned a word about going back home.”
“I…I guess I just didn’t figure it was a big deal.”
She felt his chill across the room, and realized she’d put that badly, but refused to back off now, and lifted her chin stubbornly. He walked to her, slowly, and looked at her deeply
“What exactly do you feel for me, Raine? You want me to ask, so I am asking.”
She squirmed. He wasn’t touching her, only standing there, looking right through her, and she could only find weak words, started to lift her hand to touch him, but dropped it back to her side.
“I…well, I want you. I care for you—a lot. You know that.”
His eyes veiled, and he didn’t say anything, just nodded. “You care for me.”
She nodded, and felt lost. Small. Sad.
He walked to the window, and leaned on the counter, looking out. “And do you believe I love you?”
She took a breath, trying to find something right to say.
“I know you care about me, too—I don’t know about love, Jack—I haven’t had any experience with it. And we have been in this horrible situation, so maybe it has made us feel things that we normally wouldn’t have—”
He turned, cutting her off. “Please, Raine. We’ve been down this road. I am a grown man, and I am in love with you. At least accept that much.”
She felt sick, and wanted to go to him, but didn’t know how to break down the wall that was growing between them.
“I just need some time—we can still be together, still see each other.”
“Why? So you can decide if you really feel anything for me or not?”
“No! Stop twisting things. You know I have feelings for you, I just don’t know how to handle them, I don’t know what they are. I need to figure things out.”
His shoulders slumped, and he ran his hand over his face.
“Fine. Okay.” He came back to her, placed his hands on her shoulders, pain evident in his eyes.
“I guess that’s it, then. I guess we’ll just see where it goes. But right now, I need you to go. I want to be alone.”
Raine felt the hurt cut through her, and nearly wept. She wanted to say something, but the words weren’t there, she didn’t know what they were, where to find them. So she nodded as his hands fell away, and she whispered, “Okay,” and went back to the hall to get her jacket.
Walking away from the house, she felt her heart break with each step she took, but for reasons even she couldn’t understand, she kept walking.
16
HERE SHE WAS. Home. It was what she wanted. The fight with Jack had left her miserable and frustrated—why couldn’t he understand? He had had no right to make the assumptions he had. He had no right to be angry at her. She was sure of it.
So why did she feel so awful? So lonely? A knock on the door startled her out of her muddled thoughts.
“Just a second.”
A shiver of paranoia ran down her spine, and she breathed in and out slowly, reminding herself there was no one stalking her now: she was safe. She opened the door.
“Gwen!” She smiled with joy at seeing her friend, but the joy faded when she took in Gwen’s pale features and sad eyes. She wasn’t sparkly the way she usually was, and she was dressed in jeans and a plain gray T-shirt, which was definitely not Gwen’s style.
Raine slid
her arm around her friend’s slim shoulders and drew her inside. She had talked to Gwen the morning after everything had happened, offered to be there when the police wanted to talk with her, but Gwen had insisted she was fine and needed time alone. Raine knew she was embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.
“Here, sit down, and let me make us some tea.”
Gwen nodded. “Yeah, put something stiff in it if you have anything.”
“Sorry, all I have is some good old Earl Grey.”
Raine stopped halfway to the kitchen and watched Gwen bury her face in her hands. The tea could wait. She went back to the couch, surprised at how tightly her own heart twisted when Gwen raised her tear-filled eyes to her and spoke raggedly through sobs that seemed to be threatening to take over.
“I…thought…he was it, Raine. I…slept with him.... He said things, made me feel so special. I went to the jail to see him—yesterday....”
“Oh, no—you should have called me, Gwen. You shouldn’t have done that alone.”
Gwen nodded. “I couldn’t process it. I needed to hear it from him. And boy did I hear it. He said I was just a slut he was using till he could get what he really wanted. You.” The last word came out on a wail, and she fell against Raine, wracked in sobs. Raine followed her instincts and hugged her.
Eventually, Gwen’s sobbing ceased, and they just sat there, two friends, comforted by having each other. Raine hadn’t known until this moment how much she cherished their bond. Rarely in her life had she felt that kind of connection with anyone.
“I feel so stupid. How could I have thought I was in love with that insane jerk?”
Raine sat back, and took both Gwen’s hands in hers, and squeezed.
“You were not stupid. Not ever, not for a moment. He was more than a jerk, he was evil, Gwen, and you can’t be expected to have known that. He fooled you, and used you in the worst possible way. He fooled all of us. It’s not your fault.”
Gwen didn’t quite nod, and Raine didn’t know what else to say, so remained silent.
“I told him things, about us, being friends, about you—just general stuff, but he might have used the information to hurt you, I didn’t know. If you had gotten hurt, I never could have forgiven myself.”
Gwen was on the edge of tears again, and Raine put her hands on either side of Gwen’s face, and spoke firmly. “Nothing that happened here is anyone’s fault but Neal’s. He’s sick. I am so sorry you are paying so dearly for this, Gwen. You don’t deserve it. You just don’t deserve it, hon.”
Gwen nodded, sighed, and sat back against the couch.
“I thought you were getting wine.”
Raine smiled. “Tea, Gwen. It’s only one in the afternoon.”
“So?”
“I don’t have any wine, but I might have some chocolate chip cookies in here somewhere.”
Gwen smiled, the first real smile Raine had seen. They went into the kitchen to sit.
“So how are things with you and Jack? I’m so glad he was okay. I would have come to see him in the hospital, but…”
“He understands completely.” She sat, sighed. “Things kind of…blew up the other day. He was mad that I wanted to come home.”
“Why would he be mad about that?”
Raine looked sheepishly at Gwen. “Well, I guess I didn’t go about it very well. I moved back home while he was in the hospital, and didn’t let him know.”
“Ouch. Raine, sheesh.”
“Well, c’mon! It’s not like we were really living together, not like I ever agreed to that. We never even discussed it, he never asked me what I wanted.”
“What do you want?”
Raine stared out the window.
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if what we had was real or just part of the situation. I don’t know how to trust what he feels…what I feel.”
“What do you feel?”
Raine couldn’t answer. Words jammed in her throat, feelings in her heart. Gwen smiled again.
“Raine, it’s pretty clear that you love him.”
“I do?”
“Yeah. And he is nuts about you, too—has he told you?”
“Yeah.”
Gwen prompted her eagerly. “And you said…?”
“Um, well, I wasn’t sure—how can he be sure he loves me? I care about him, and I want to be with him, I told him that—”
Gwen collapsed back in her chair. “So he spilled his guts to you, and you told him thanks, I care about you? Oh, God, poor Jack. That is the worst.”
“What do you mean, poor Jack?” It came out in a squeal, and had her up and stomping to the sink again, then back to the table. “He shouldn’t have assumed so much, he just had it all so neatly planned, and without talking to me about it at all.”
“You didn’t tell him you had moved out, either.”
“That’s different—I never moved in on a permanent basis. He should have known.”
“C’mon, Raine—the guy basically laid his life at your feet, and you stomped on it.”
Gwen got up to go get the tea, and came back to the table. “Listen, I know you are afraid, and that it’s a risk. Believe me, I know what it feels like to fall down on the wrong side of a risk.”
Raine started to speak, but Gwen was on a roll, and continued. “But there’s no gain without risk. I jumped too quickly with Neal, didn’t know enough about him. But as much as my ego has taken a bruising, losing Neal was not a fatal blow. We didn’t have what I see when I look at you and Jack—that connection, that passion—I wanted us to have it, maybe so much I missed the signals. If you let go of what you have with Jack, Raine, I think it will be one of your biggest regrets. He’s one of the good ones.”
Raine absorbed the words, unsure what to say. Her mind was going a mile a minute.
“Raine, stop thinking—just feel—how does he make you feel?”
She sighed, fidgeted with her cup. “Safe. Cared for. Special.”
“Desired? Passionate? Happy?”
Raine nodded, feeling uncomfortable. “Yeah. I know it’s not just sex, it’s more. I just don’t know how much more. I don’t know how I am supposed to know. How can anyone know?”
“Well, you just have to trust your heart. And his. Think of how you felt when you knew he was seriously hurt, about the time you spent together at the house, and how you felt when you went to stay with him in that hospital room—every day.”
Gwen leaned across the table, squeezed Raine’s hand and looked at her intently. “I know I didn’t deserve what happened to me with Neal—neither did you. But you do deserve Jack. You have to go for it, Raine—admit how you feel to yourself, and then let him know. It could be the only good that comes out of this mess, aside from putting that asshole in prison.”
Raine nodded, and sipped her tea, and knew Gwen was right. Overthinking things wasn’t going to make them clearer. She had hurt him. She was so caught up in her own baggage that she hadn’t put it down long enough to think about how her actions were affecting him. She had to stop hiding behind her wounds.
She missed Jack—it was the plain truth. The truth she had been struggling with since she had left him. She had hated walking away from that house with every step she took. She had felt empty every second since. She hadn’t ever really known love, but she thought, maybe, she was knowing it now. And, at the moment, it hurt.
“I think Jack’s due back in town today. I guess I have some Christmas shopping to do.”
Gwen smiled, and the old sparkle came back into her eyes for a moment. “Attagirl. Go get him. And remember, I’ll want all the details.”
They laughed, and Raine felt more alive than she had in her whole life. She knew exactly what to give Jack for Christmas.
* * *
HER NERVOUSNESS was all-consuming. She had never done anything like this in her life. Obviously. If she had done things like this before, she would not be so nervous now. She would be cool and calm and ready to go like she always imagined she would b
e, like when she had thought this was a good idea, and in the shops when she had gotten this entire deal together—stop! God, she was rambling in her own head. Silence. Relax.
This may not have been a good idea, but it was all set to go now, no backing out, and she had to see it through. God help her.
She’d bought a Christmas tree, decorations and candles. She had decorated it in Jack’s bedroom. She then put one brightly wrapped box underneath. She took the pretty quilt from the bed and laid it out on the floor beside the tree.
She looked at the clock and hoped he would come home before she completely lost her nerve, but not before she was completely ready.
She had called him, left a message on his cell that she wanted to see him and would wait for him at his house, so he knew. Ducking into the shower, she soaped and shaved and shampooed with the fragrant accessories she had bought herself, ignoring the totals that had added up on her credit card. It was Christmas, after all. Time to splurge.
She dried off, applying the exotic lotion she’d bought, and slipped on the bright-red, lace flyaway baby doll she had purchased that afternoon. She looked in the mirror and her eyes nearly popped out—it sure didn’t hide much. But she was done with hiding, so she took a deep breath and turned, examining herself in the mirror. Not half-bad, really.
The top barely contained her breasts, and parted at the middle to show off her trim waist and inny belly button. The small, triangular scrap of lace that lay over her abdomen made her feel sultry and sexy. Daring, even.
She slipped on a furry white garter and felt a sense of anticipation flow over her. She fluffed and dried her hair, applied a deep red tint to her lips. She didn’t need any other makeup, her cheeks were flushed enough with anticipation. She had never seduced a man before. Furthermore, she had never seduced a man she loved before.
It was five minutes to seven. God, she hoped he was still coming home tonight.
Taking a deep breath, she went into the living room and checked the champagne she had bought, lit the candles she had placed on each stair leading up to the bedroom. She lowered the lights and, finally, put on the satin Santa hat she had bought, just for fun. Then she returned to the bedroom to wait. It was just past seven. She hoped he wouldn’t be very late. She had called him at four. Not that he would come running just because she called.
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