by Annie Green
“So what do I do? Just let it go? Or do I walk away? Because I can’t imagine leaving him. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out.”
Maggie took another sip of her coffee. “I have no clue what to do. I’d walk away because I’m way too prideful, but if you love him then maybe you should stick around…” she sighed heavily before setting her cup down. “Hell, I’m a nineteen year old girl who’s never been in a serious relationship. I’m in no place to give you advice about this kind of stuff. When you were asking how to bag Damien, I was the perfect go to girl for advice, but now I’m just as confused as you are.”
I met her gaze. “It sucks right? I just wish I could have kept it casual…that I was strong enough to just be okay with just sex.””
“Yeah, I get it, but Tempie you’re stronger than me because you’re capable of love and love is fucking scary. So don’t think you’re weak because you fell for him. I think that makes you courageous.”
I lowered my eyes to the table and blinked back tears. “Thanks for that. I just feel dumb, you know?”
“Don’t. It’s Damien who should feel dumb. He’s giving you up.”
“Thanks for being such a good friend,” I said.
“Anytime and just know that if things go south with Damien you always have a place to stay with me, or your brother. I’m sure he’d be okay with you crashing at his place for a while.”
Just the thought of me having to sleep at my brother’s place on a lumpy sofa when for the past few nights I’d been able to share a bed with Damien made me sick. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“So you and Kyle?” I managed to ask, causing Maggie’s eyes to narrow.
“You sure you want to stop talking about Damien?” she asked. “Because I don’t mind if you want to keep pouring your heart out about this.”
I shook my head adamantly. “I need a break. I feel like my head’s going to explode.”
Maggie nodded, leaning back in her chair. “Okay, well, Kyle’s cool, but I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last.”
“Why?”
“He’s a little too sweet for me. I mean, he wants to take me on a date, Tempie. Me. Date. No.” She waved her hands in front of her dramatically, causing the ends of my lips to tug up at the corners involuntarily.
“Maybe you should go for a different kind of guy…you know? Like Caden for example.”
“Hell no. That guy’s a conservative asshole. No way would I ever be into him.”
“Maybe he’s super crazy deep down, past all that sweetness and uninked skin.”
Maggie just looked at me like I was a nut ball. I probably was. I really had not been doing well since I left Damien’s bed this morning. To make matters worse I hadn’t slept through the night in two days.
“I doubt it.”
“Well, in either case, he’ll probably be calling you. His sister wants piano lessons.”
Maggie seemed to stew on that for a bit before saying, “Yeah well, he hasn’t called me yet and I don’t expect him to. Self righteous prick,” she muttered before adding cheerily, “A few other people have called though. Thanks for putting that flyer up for me.”
“No problem. Anything I can do to help,” I replied, forcing a smile on my face. “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, what did Caden say to you at the pizza place that made you so mad?”
Maggie rolled her eyes to the ceiling and blew out a breath. “God, I hate him. He said he knew me, that the reason I was into Kyle was because I was too insecure to set my sights any higher.”
My brow furrowed. “Did he get it right?”
“Hell no,” she replied. “He’s a dick who thinks he knows me.” The way she said it wasn’t convincing however. She seemed to sense that I was catching on because she waved her hands in the air. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”
“Fine, no problem,” I replied, supportively. It was the least I could do when I’d been pouring out my crap to her the past week.
The two of us sat in silence for a moment before Maggie asked, “You still thinking about quitting the major?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, but it hasn’t been on the forefront of my mind at the moment. I’ve been too preoccupied.”
“Yeah you have,” Maggie said with a smirk before she added solemnly, “He really is a dick for giving you up. You know that, right?”
“He hasn’t given me up, he just can’t give me what I want…not that I’ve told him what I want.”
“Well, maybe you could renegotiate your expectations and rules…”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I want to settle for less anymore.”
“Well, you deserve more, that’s for sure.”
“I wish Damien felt the same way I feel about him. I wish he loved me.”
Maggie’s eyes filled with sadness for me and I looked away quickly, blinking back tears. I felt like curling up in a ball and sobbing, but I didn’t want to be that pathetic. I was going to make it through this just like I did any other bad situation I found myself in.
Maggie reached across the table and squeezed my limp hand. “Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Sometimes it stays just out of reach. Just know you’re worth it, Tempie. He’s missing out.”
I nodded with a swallow. “Can we talk about something else? I need a distraction.”
Maggie perked up. She was good at taking my mind off the present. “Of course we can. Let’s talk about Luke…”
Her voice trailed off into the distance. Her words weren’t the balm I’d been looking for. Because I didn’t want another guy. I wanted Damien.
But he didn’t want me.
***
After hanging out with Maggie I drove to my brother’s place. I wasn’t feeling up to running into Damien at the moment. I wanted to avoid the inevitable as long as possible. I was coming to the slow realization this had to come to an end soon. I deserved better, and even though for the moment I could justify settling, in the end I knew if I accepted anything less than what I deserved, I was going to revert back to the old me.
I didn’t ever want to be her again.
Before I went inside, my phone vibrated. Glancing down, I saw Damien’s name blinking up at me.
Do you want to carpool to work tonight?
I hadn’t heard from him since I snuck out of his room this morning to meet Maggie. I knew I was working with him later, but I needed to keep my distance. I hated what I had to do, but it was inevitable. I didn’t want to reply, but I wanted to be mature about this whole thing. I knew he was making an effort to repair things between us and I hoped to still be able to at least be friendly with him when this was all over, so I quickly typed a response: Sure
I used the key Jed had given me when he moved out, knowing I’d need a retreat from my parents. I had used it a few times when my parents had become overly unbearable, but since I’d moved out, my room was my haven. But with the memories of what Damien and I had done in that house, that wasn’t going to work anymore. What had I been thinking when I started things with Damien? That’s right. I hadn’t been thinking. I’d been too busy on my back or on my knees or bent over in the shower…
I pushed the apartment door open in a flurry to rid myself of those images that plagued my mind and saw Nik lounging lazily on the couch.
“Hey you,” he said, his eyes meeting mine and he suddenly frowned. “What’s wrong?”
I opened my mouth to tell him that it was nothing when my phone vibrated in my hand. I glanced down and my heart turned in my chest.
I hate what happened last night. Are we ok?
Damien’s question had my eyes involuntarily filling with tears. Nik must have seen because he was suddenly by my side.
“What’s wrong, Temperance,” he said sternly, his accent deepening as he grew serious. He rarely used my full given name, so I knew he was incredibly concerned.
“It’s Damien,” I said softly. “I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.�
�
“Come here, baby girl,” he said sweetly, pulling me into his arms. I loved that term of endearment he used for me. It was something he’d called me ever since I’d met him. It was one of the reasons I’d had a crush on him all these years. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with Nik when he called you that?
I needed the comfort he offered, so I went willingly, my heart breaking slowly as he wrapped his arms around me. “What happened?”
“He doesn’t want me,” I nearly whispered. “And it’s all my fault.”
“I doubt that,” he replied, kissing the top of my head as I clutched his shirt. “Now tell me everything.”
He led me to the couch and sat down, facing me. My hands were in his and I could tell he was worried about me. Hell, I was worried about me. How was I going to survive this? I’d never felt like this about anyone before and just thinking about losing him made me sick.
“So something happened between you and Damien…” he prompted when I just sat there in silence.
My phone suddenly vibrated once again and I glanced down at Damien’s name.
Temperance? You ok? Please talk to me.
I didn’t know what to say. Everything between us wasn’t okay and I wasn’t fine. I was tired of lying to myself and to him. I needed to be honest because ever since I realized I was in love with him, I’d been lying to both myself and to him.
I didn’t know what to say to Damien, so I set my phone on silent and turned my eyes to Nik. “Damien and I had an arrangement. Casual sex, no strings attached.”
“Sounds perfect,” Nik said dryly and I shot him a look. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Go on.”
“But I’m in love with him now and he doesn’t want me.”
“Did he say that?” Nik asked, his eyes going dangerously dark.
I shook my head. “No. He was clear about what this could be from the beginning. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything more than sex for him, but I made the mistake of falling for him…I thought I could keep this up, but I can’t. It’s just not who I am. It hurts too much, especially when he reminds me that it’s just casual on a daily basis.”
“He’s an idiot,” Nik said, his fingers tightening around mine. I appreciated the support he was giving me because at the moment I felt like I was losing control.
“And I’m an even bigger one. I knew this was going to end badly, but I did it anyway. And now he’s texting me, asking me if we’re okay. What do I say? How can I make this hurt less?”
Nik’s eyes shut for a moment. “You can’t.”
“I don’t want to end things, Nik. What do I do? Should I just keep it up and keep pretending…”
Nik silenced me with a look. “You just need to do it, Tempie. Cut if off. Once it’s done, it’s going to hurt like hell, but at least you won’t be dancing around it anymore. At least you’ll both know where you stand.”
“I don’t want to end things.”
Sympathy crossed his features. “I know, but would you rather keep up this charade…keep loving him when he’ll never love you back? Or starting moving on with your life?”
“But I’ll miss him,” I protested weakly. “I live with him…work with him…my life is so entwined with him.”
“I know, but if you stay, you’ll become a shell of a person. I like who you’ve become, Tempie. You’re strong, talented and sexy as hell. I’d hate to see you revert back to the way things were.”
“What if I can keep my new self and stay with him?” I knew that was just wishful thinking, but I had to voice the question anyway. Nik looked at me like I was crazy, but his voice was soft when he replied.
“You won’t be able to. You’ll lose yourself in him, in who he wants you to be. He wants your body, wants what you can give him physically and nothing more. If you keep trying to be only what he wants and don’t stay true to yourself, it will eat away at you. You will become someone you don’t recognize because everything is all bottled up inside. It will destroy you, Tempie. Take it from me. You won’t like what you become.”
My eyes filled with tears at his speech. “Was that what happened with you and Elsie?”
“Yes,” he breathed. “I don’t want to see you drag this on for such a long time when the person you love just can’t love you back.”
I scooted over until my head was resting on his shoulder. This was how I’d sat with Damien the few time’s we’d made love. Just remembering it caused my heart to thump painfully in my chest.
“I have to work with him tonight,” I said into his shirt.
“Then end it tonight. Do it sooner rather than later or next thing you’ll know, it will be two years from now and you’ll feel more alone than when you actually were alone.”
A sob escaped my throat and I bit down on my lip. “I don’t want to…”
“But you have to,” Nik said, his hand rubbing my back in slow circles.
“Jed always said I was too hopeful, that I always saw the good in people. I wanted to believe he could get over his broken heart and love me.”
Nik glanced down at me, confused. “He has a broken heart?”
“Some girl he loved…well, she broke his heart. That’s why he can’t give his heart away. I think he still loves her.”
“Well, then he’s an idiot. You’re priceless and he’s throwing you away for what? A girl who won’t love him back?”
“I don’t know. He never really talks about her, or about what happened.”
Nik ran his hand through my hair. “Then it’s his loss. You’ll find someone else, I promise.”
I didn’t want anyone else, but didn’t feel like voicing it. Instead I picked up my phone and glanced down at it. Damien had texted me again.
You ok? Please text me back!
“Who’s that?” Nik asked and I just shook my head.
“Damien. He wants me to carpool to work with him and I said that we could.”
His hand froze on my back. “Tell him you changed your mind and that you’re going to go in on your own.”
“He’ll know something’s wrong.”
“Good, let him stew on that. Better yet, let me take you to work.”
My head lifted from his shirt. “No. No way. That would just be mean. He’s really jealous of you.”
Nik glowered at me. “Good. He should be. He deserves to feel like shit for putting you through all of this.”
“It’s my fault. It was my suggestion in the first place. I was the one who pursued him. He tried to stay away. He’s not a bad guy…really, Nik.”
He grunted like he didn’t believe me. “I still want to punch him in the balls.”
My lips twitched unwillingly. “Please don’t. He really is amazing in bed. I wouldn’t want him to be ruined down there.”
Nik squeezed me tightly against him, tapping my phone. “Now text him and tell him you’ll go to work alone. No more pretending, Tempie. No more lies.”
“Okay, but how am I supposed to make it through work when I know it’s going to end between us? He’ll know something’s wrong.”
“So what? You worried he’s going to get hurt by all of this? He won’t, Tempie. If it’s just casual for him, he won’t care if it ends.”
“But I know he cares about me.”
“Probably a lie too,” he muttered and my stomach churned, making me feel slightly nauseous.
“You think he was lying about caring about me?”
“Guys are pigs, Tempie. They only want one thing. They’ll say or do anything to get it.”
I didn’t want to believe him, but I knew he was right. Those few choice times when Damien had said things that made me believe he cared could have been ploys to get what he wanted. And I’d been all too willing to give it to him. What a fool I’d been.
“Text him back. Tell him you’ll drive yourself and then when you get to work…when you’re ready…end it. But do it tonight. Don’t keep this up. You’ll regret it if you do.”
I lowered my eyes and took a shaky breath. I would
be strong. I had to be.
Or else I’d break apart and never be able to put myself back together again.
***
I drove to work, my heart in my stomach. I saw Damien’s truck parked in the parking lot and forced myself to get out of my car. When I walked inside, I could see Damien watching me. There was worry in his eyes, so I forced a smile on my face. It rang false, but he seemed a little relieved by the gesture.
When I finally put my stuff in my locker and walked behind the counter, Damien was watching me warily.
“You okay? You didn’t text me back,” he said, leaning against the counter. Anyone who glanced at him would assume he was relaxed, but I could see the anxiety lining his features and the tension bunching the muscles beneath his shirt. I was doing that to him…oh God. Just thinking that he was nervous made me want to cry. This was going to hurt so much.
“I’m okay,” I replied, knowing my eyes were still a little puffy from crying. Hopefully he wouldn’t notice.
He tilted forward a little and asked softly, “Are we okay? Because last night…Shit, last night was a disaster and I’m sorry.”
I swallowed, hearing the anxiety in his voice. I wanted nothing more than to appease him, to tell him we were fine, but I just couldn’t lie to him. So I decided to be ambiguous. I still had to work with him for the rest of the night. It was going to be shitty enough without adding a break up on top of it…if I could even call it a break up. We weren’t even together.
“I don’t know.”
His brows furrowed and I saw his biceps flex. “You don’t know,” he repeated. “What does that even mean?”
“I just…”
I was searching for something to say, when a customer walked up to the counter. I could just hear Damien’s thoughts as he cursed the person for having the worst fucking timing. I was thankful though because I didn’t know what to say. And I wanted to prolong the inevitable.
And thankfully we stayed busy until right before we closed, so it gave me a lot of time to think about it. Not that it mattered. Because it was still coming to an end and it hurt like hell and I hadn’t even done anything yet.
Chapter Seventeen
Damien