by Annie Green
“Exactly,” Jonathan interjected excitedly. When I shot him a glare, he just shrugged is shoulders. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” I knew he’d been waiting for me to have this revelation for months now. This must have been like an early Christmas present for him.
“I just wasn’t ready to hear it then, but despite it all, man, I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this work with Temperance. Will it be fair to her? Will she even want me? What if I can’t give her what she wants because I continue to feel guilty as hell all the time?”
“That’s a lot of ‘what-ifs’. You can’t live like that. You need to move on with your life, man. You need to go back to school and stop working that dead end job just because it’s easy as fuck. You need to sing your own music again and you need to tell Temperance you love her. You need to do your best to make every moment count.”
I ran my hand through my hair, knowing everything Jonathan said was right. I’d been working at the coffee shop because it was an easy job, benign and boring. I really needed to go back to school and pursue something I loved. I also hadn’t sung my songs because I hadn’t found any inspiration. Until I’d met Temperance, that is, and had fallen for her. Now I had all sorts of shit rolling around in my head, so much so that I ended up buying a guitar from a thrift store while I’d been traveling around the past two weeks and wrote a song just for her. I just hoped I’d be able to share it with her before it was too late.
For the past year I felt like my whole life had been on hold. But when things between Temperance and I heated up, I suddenly felt myself come alive. And it hadn’t been until she’d broken my heart that I’d felt a sudden motivation to change. To start my life again. To really start living in the present and not in the past.
And that had to begin with me telling her how I felt.
Too bad it had taken me two weeks to actually get the process going.
“Damien?” a female voice said in front of me.
I glanced up as Jonathan peered over his shoulder. A beautiful girl I didn’t recognize was standing in front of us. I wracked my mind for where I knew her because something about her looked familiar. She had a pixie cut, a petite, but curvy figure and light grey eyes…those eyes.
“Beth?” Jonathan asked, his mouth nearly dropping. Suddenly it clicked. This was Beth, Sophia’s best friend.
“Jonathan?” she said, striding quickly toward us.
As she neared, I couldn’t believe my eyes. She must have lost at least a hundred pounds since I’d last seen her. That’s why I hadn’t recognized her.
I watched Jonathan’s eyes eat her up as she approached and when she stopped in front of us, his eyes remained glued to her chest. Not that she noticed. She was too busy smiling widely at us.
“I can’t believe I finally was able to meet up with you. What has it been? A year now?”
Jonathan nodded dumbly. He was starting to look like a bobble head, so I hit him in the arm, jostling him out of his trance-like state.
“Yeah, a year,” I said with a small smile. “You look great, by the way. Didn’t even recognize you.”
“Yeah,” she said shyly. “Lost a hundred and ten pounds.”
“That’s awesome, Beth,” I replied, smiling up at her.
“You look really, really good,” Jonathan managed to say, his blue eyes meeting hers. She flushed under his praise and I kicked him under the table.
“What?” he asked me, turning around.
I just shrugged, gesturing for our old friend to come sit with us. She obliged, lowering herself next to Jonathan.
“How are you?” she asked, pushing her short brown hair behind her ears. For as long as Beth had been Sophia’s best friend, she’d had long hair. She’d shaved her head when Sophia started losing hers. Apparently, she’d never bothered to fully grow it out.
“We’re good,” I said. “Really good.”
“I’m glad,” Beth said, her eyes meeting mine. “I was worried about you for a while. I know you took her death pretty hard.”
“Everyone did. Sophia was loved,” I replied, hating how everything that had to do with Sophia had to remain past tense.
“Sophia was worried about you though. She spoke to me about it,” Beth said, folding her hands in front of her and tugging her lips between her teeth. I saw Jonathan watching her like she was fucking cotton candy. Like he wanted to stick her in his mouth and consume her. I knew by the way his eyes darkened he wanted to do incredibly dirty things to her that she’d probably never ever be into. She seemed way too innocent for Jonathan’s weirdness.
“I’d been bugging Jonathan about this for a while now. I didn’t have your new phone number. I think you changed it or something. Anyway, Sophia actually wanted me to give this to you on her one year anniversary,” she said, digging around in her purse. Finally she pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I lost it for a while, so I’m really sorry for this being a little late. I’ve been carrying it around, trying to find time to meet up with you, but I just keep getting bogged down and then I couldn’t contact you…anyways…”
She slipped the paper across the table and I just stared at it.
“She wrote this?” I asked, my eyes stuck like glue on that damn piece of paper.
“I did, actually. She was too weak at that point to write, but she told me what she wanted to say,” she replied.
“Pick it up, dude. This could be what you’ve been searching for,” Jonathan prompted.
I continued to sit there. What if it was Sophia telling me to stick by the promise I’d made her when she was dying? That she changed her mind? That I couldn’t be with anyone else? I’d have to give everything up…give up my future with Temperance…give up any kind of love.
Jonathan must have seen my rising anxiety because he grabbed the paper and unfolded it, placing it roughly in my hands.
“Read it. You need to know,” he insisted.
Warily I glanced down and felt my eyes well up with the first word. It was so like her. I could hear her voice as clear as day:
Motherfucker!
It’s been a year now and you’re still moping around, aren’t you? I know you. I love you and I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I need you to live your life. I need you to go back to school, continue singing and fall in love.
Promise me you’ll fall in love with someone worthy of you, someone who will love you back and give you the world because you deserve it. I want you to be happy.
And just in case you really are being a dip-shit about that promise you made me…I never took you seriously and I never expect you to give up love because of me. So don’t do it. Live your life and love again. I really want that for you. You have lifetimes ahead of you and I want you to enjoy them.
Just know you gave me the best two years of my life. I will always love you for that, but now it’s your turn to live.
S.
P.S. You better not put that shit promise on your skin. You already have enough of me on there.
Holy hell. My cheeks were wet now and my hands were trembling as I clutched at the paper. Jonathan’s eyes were growing bleary as he watched me and I shakily handed him the paper. He grabbed it from my hands, eating the words up.
“Well hell,” he said, his voice gravelly.
“Yeah,” I said as I swiped at my cheeks. Sophia had always known me better than I knew myself. She must have known that I’d fall for someone right away and how I’d act.
“If only that got to me sooner,” I said as I finally managed to find the words. “It would have made everything a lot easier.”
Beth looked guilty. “I know. I know and I’m sorry, but I’ve been so swamped, and I tried to get in contact…”
I held up my hand and shook my head. “No need to apologize. I shouldn’t have put this off like I had. It all happened like it needed to. There were a lot of other things I needed to figure out before I saw this.”
Jonathan folded the paper up and slid it across the table. I picked it up
and slid it into my back pocket. I’d probably end up rereading it a few times on the way home because it was what I’d been searching for for months. And now I had it. And I finally was starting to feel free.
“I need to talk to Temperance,” I said, glancing up at Jonathan.
“She’s probably already at the party,” he replied.
“What party?” Beth asked, her grey eyes volleying between Jonathan and I.
“This guy we play rugby with throws this Halloween party every year. Speaking of which, you have plans tonight?” Jonathan asked eagerly.
Beth shook her head, her long earrings hitting her cheeks as she did. “No, no plans.”
“Then come with us,” I said, causing Jonathan’s eyes to shoot over to meet mine.
“What?” I asked, feigning like I didn’t know what was going on in his fucked up mind. Like I didn’t know he wanted to tie her up and screw her.
I scooted my chair back and stood up. “Quit dicking around. I have to put together a costume so I can fix things with Temperance.”
“Good plan,” Jonathan said. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”
And there I went. Off to get my girl and to finally start living again.
Chapter Twenty
Temperance
I didn’t really want to go to Kyle’s party, but everyone I knew insisted. I think they were starting to feel sorry for me. The past fifteen days...yes it had been fifteen days and I had been counting, since Damien up and disappeared…I’d become quite pathetic. I moved into his room and wore his shirts to bed and had practically stopped eating. I literally had no appetite. I didn’t bother to weigh myself, but I was pretty sure I’d lost ten pounds that I couldn’t really afford to lose. Now I just looked like a skeleton.
That’s what I wanted to be for Halloween, but no one thought it was funny. So I told Nik to pick me out something since he and Deidre were coming with me to the party. I really shouldn’t have trusted him because he ended up bringing home a sexy schoolgirl outfit that made me look super slutty.
I should have cared more, but at the moment I was just going through the motions. So I acted infuriated about his choice, but I put the costume on anyway and let Deidre do my makeup. And then I was walking into Kyle’s house and seeing a bunch of familiar faces. Maggie was dressed as Eve, wearing almost nothing, Caden was dressed as a cowboy, Deidre was a twenties flapper and Nik was Christian Grey. But I didn’t see Damien.
So nothing else mattered.
I ended up sitting on a couch, watching people mingle and drink, wishing I were home in Damien’s bed. In his clothes, lying on his pillow. I had come to the conclusion that he was probably really hurt or dead, and not knowing was worse than all those terrible thoughts going on in my head.
“So why are you sitting here all alone?” Caden asked, tipping his cowboy hat back and looking at me with concern.
“I didn’t really want to come,” I replied. “I would have rather stayed home and watched scary movies.”
“Not feeling social tonight?” he asked, concern in his voice.
“Not at all.”
“Well, I like your costume,” he said, eyeing my bare midriff and my thigh high socks.
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “Nik picked this out for me. He’s the reason I’m even here.” I glanced at the dance floor before me and shook my head. Nik was dancing with a girl dressed up as a slutty Minnie Mouse. God, did people have no shame? That thought left my head immediately when I glanced down at the skirt I was wearing that barely covered my thighs. I wasn’t dressed much better.
“Well, you look good,” Caden said sweetly and I forced myself to smile at him.
“Thanks. You do too.” I grappled with what else to say to him, so I asked, “Did you call Maggie yet?”
“Yeah and Carly has her first lesson on Monday,” Caden said before adding, “It better be worth it because I have to pick up an extra shift to pay for these lessons.”
“I think it will be good. Carly will be happy. You know, you’re a good brother,” I said, reaching out and touching his thigh. He glanced down at my hand and I pulled it away, suddenly feeling weird that I’d just touched him.
“Sorry. I don’t know why I touched you like that. I think I’m losing my mind,” I explained.
He nodded sympathetically. “Damien still hasn’t called you?”
“No, has he called you?” I asked hopefully.
He shook his head. “No. No one’s heard from him.”
My heart sank. “Yeah, I hope he’s okay.”
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Caden hadn’t known Damien when Sophia was alive, but he had known about her. I’d worked with Caden a few times since Damien left and asked him as many questions as I could about Damien. He didn’t know much, but he did say that since Damien had met me, he’d been happier and much more open. It made me hope…hope that if Damien came home he’d take me back.
“You want something else to drink?” Caden asked when we just sat there in silence for a while.
“No thanks. Go ahead and go. I’m going to take off in a while anyway. Enjoy your night off.”
He seemed reluctant to go, but finally he stood up and disappeared into the crowd. I turned my eyes to the people dancing before me and saw Nik making his way toward me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet.
“You look pathetic,” Nik said loudly in my ear. The music from the speakers in the living room was so incredibly loud it was a wonder I’d even heard Nik at all. “You’re making everyone depressed, so come dance with me.”
I shot him a look. “I should have never told you about this party,” I said. “I don’t want to be here. Let’s just go home.”
Nik rolled his eyes to the ceiling in response and tugged me forward, pulling me into the small crowd of people dancing. I’d never been much of a dancer and felt even less motivation to move to the music at the moment. Nik, however, wasn’t going to tolerate my pouting because he spun me around and pulled me into him. My back was now flush with his chest and his hands were on my hips, forcing me to sway to the beat.
“That’s better. At least fake it, Tempie,” he said into my ear.
I did my best to comply, but my heart wasn’t in it. It was hot and I was starting to sweat. I just wanted to go sit back on the couch and sulk. I turned to move away from Nik and that’s when I saw him.
Damien.
Looking sexy as hell dressed as James Dean. And he was frowning at me.
For the first second when my eyes landed on him, my heart leapt with joy. He was alive and well and looked just like I’d remembered him. And then I felt guilty for dancing with Nik. And then when all of that passed, I was left with such incredible anger that I literally blacked out for a second.
And when I came to, he was turning around and making his way down a darkened hallway.
Oh hell no. Not again.
I wrenched myself away from Nik and stormed in the direction Damien had disappeared. I saw his leather coat and long jeaned legs striding purposefully down the hallway and I broke into a run to catch him.
My fingers reached out and clasped his arm in a vice grip. I loved how familiar he was, how I seemed to have him memorized even after all this time.
“Damien, wait,” I said, slightly out of breath. Needless to say, I hadn’t worked out in a few weeks. I’d been much too depressed and now I was too furious to even breathe.
He spun around, anger and something else I couldn’t recognize flashing through his eyes. We stared at each other for what seemed like minutes, until he opened his mouth and said, “So I see you’re with Nik now.”
Without thinking, my hand flung out and slapped his face. I’d never slapped anyone before in my life. Never. But his insinuation made me so mad that I didn’t care and all the pent up frustration I’d felt for the past two weeks was expelled all at once. My palm stung, but I was too mad. Too relieved that he was alive and well. To pissed off. Too everything.
“You sonofabitch. Where t
he hell have you been?” I nearly yelled, angry tears flooding my eyes.
He rubbed his cheek, his eyes darkening as he stared at me. “Not that you’ve cared,” he said.
I almost hit him again, but decided once was enough. Instead I shoved at his chest. “Of course I care you stupid asshole. I’ve been worried sick about you. Why the hell did you leave and not bring your phone?”
“I needed to think.”
“You needed to think?” I laughed hysterically before gaining control and glowering at him. “I’m going to kill you. I’m going to fucking kill you,” I said shakily as I punched him in the chest. I was hanging on by a thread. Everything was spinning around me and I didn’t know what to do let alone say.
“You’re going to kill me? Yeah, I’d like to see you try,” he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Without thinking, I pushed into him, causing the two of us to barrel through an open door and into a dark room. We came to a stop only after crashing into a dresser. Something rolled off the top and shattered on the floor, but I didn’t care. All I could feel was Damien’s hands on my hips, steadying me and his breath moving across my skin. And the feel of his heartbeat against my fingers. It was so familiar, so Damien that I lost control. Anger, frustration and grief were forgotten.
I grabbed his hair and pulled on it roughly while crushing my lips to his.
“I fucking missed you,” I said, biting down on his lips as they moved harshly over mine. “Don’t ever disappear again,” I demanded, sucking his tongue into my mouth.
He groaned and grabbed my ass, lifting me up and pushing me against the wall.
We were frantic, panting, wild. I was clawing my way down his back as he literally tore my panties off. And then he was inside of me and I was groaning like an animal in heat. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I had my skirt around my waist as Damien fucked me, didn’t care that the door was unlocked and anyone could come in and see me, didn’t care that I was screaming in ecstasy.