by Jeff South
“I really can’t talk anymore. I have to see a woman about a car.”
“What?” I say. I can’t say anything more because Grandor has unleashed a barrage of his power at us. Blue balls of energy slam into each of us and we spill all over the room. The force of the blows knocks the wind out of us.
“I will not kill you because I have never killed anyone. Besides, even if I had it in me to kill you, I simply would not be able to. I have grown curiously fond of all of you. You are my friends. Yet, you are my adversaries. You are my friendversaries. Ciao.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
A blast from Grandor convulses my every muscle into a full body charley horse. The pain is swift and immediate and I have no way to relieve it except to blow out short breaths. Based on their groans of agony, Dad, Randi, and Jeff are all experiencing similar pain.
“Oh, god, this hurts,” Jeff says through clenched teeth. “Why does it have to hurt?”
“Breathe it out,” Randi repeats. “Breathe it out.”
“I knew I hated that guy.” Dad crawls to the Smelly Couch of Oblivion and gathers his strength.
My muscles slowly relax, though not all at once. The wave starts in my neck and shoulders so I’m able to pull myself up. The loosening spreads to my lower back and I straighten until my legs can support me. My breathing normalizes. Jeff lights up one of his Mongalisonian cigarettes and I reach out in a gesture that tells him to give me one, too. I light up and take a deep, satisfying drag.
“Guys,” I say. “I think I’m done.”
“What do you mean?” Dad says, giving me The Look. “And why are you smoking?”
“Yeah,” Randi says. “I don’t think Kevin allows smoking in here.”
“Once we’re done saving the world from Grandor, Jackleigh, Herpezoids, and Max, I’m done. Randi this is my notice. I can’t wait to go to college where my biggest worries will be whether or not to skip class and how much cheap beer to drink.”
The door at the top of the basement stairs bursts open. Kevin carries Marlene once more, this time completely in his arms. She is bruised and green Herpezoid slime splotches her arms and legs.
“Grandor tazed me or something,” he says. “Then, Marlene stumbled in. I think she’s really hurt bad this time.” He sets her down next to Dad on the Smelly Couch of Oblivion. I kneel next to Marlene and brush a few errant strands of blond hair out her eyes. She clutches my hands and squeezes.
“Tony.” She winces before she continues. “It’s bad. It’s real bad.”
“Where have you been?”
“I took out three Herpezoids at the Taco Haus. They were trying to rob it. They’re spreading out all over town. It’s like that move Gremlins.”
“I love that movie,” Jeff says.
“Then, I went to the River Luau. I found your moms. They’re keeping them in that black Winnebago with flames painted on it. I tried to rescue them, but I got overpowered. I was lucky to get away.”
“My god,” Dad says. “Where does she find the time to do all this?”
“And what did you have to eat?” I ask her.
“What?” She looks at me, insulted. “I’m really hurt here. I think I broke a rib or ruptured my spleen.”
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Her body spasms in pain and yells at me to not call her baby because we’re not together anymore.
“We need to get her medical attention!” I try to pick her up, but she pushes me away.
“I’m good. I’m good.” She rubs her temples. “I had five giant frozen lemonades with those crazy straw things. So good. Still having a brain freeze.”
“I’ve had enough of this doo-doo.” Jeff grabs an Existential Crisis Inducer from the weapons wall and starts pacing. “Enough talk. Time for action.”
Randi’s phone buzzes with a text message and she rolls her eyes and huffs at the message’s content. “Damn. Max wants to meet with me ASAP.”
“Tell him to screw himself,” Jeff says. “He’s a dick.”
“I can’t bring any suspicion from him. He’s probably already thinking something is up because we told him about the mole.”
“So, what do we do?” I ask.
“I’ll take care of Max.” She heads to the stairs. “You guys get to the River Luau and get Suzanne and Sandra back.”
“Wait.” Marlene sits up. “I heard them talking about unleashing Araneae on the fair crowd. I don’t know where the Araneae is being held, but I’m sure it’s there.” She springs up and runs to the stairs. “Gotta go. Gotta kick some ass ‘cause that’s what I do.”
“Marlene. Wait.” I run to her and take her hands in mine. “I need you to know how much I hate myself. I wish I could go back in time and undo all of this. I love you so much. I shouldn’t have broken up with you.”
“Damn straight, boo. But you did.” She caresses my cheek with the side of her hand. “Because you’re a jerk tool head. A lovable, adorable jerk tool head.” She grabs my face, pulls me into her and kisses me. “Bye, Tony Pershing.”
She disappears up the stairs and I stand there with my lips still locked in a kiss which ended seconds earlier.
“Where did you find her?” Randi asks Kevin.
“She came in one day looking for a copy of Twilight and saw all of my shit on Herpezoids on the walls. She never blinked. Never questioned anything. She just looked at it all and said three words.”
“What words?” I ask.
“I want in.”
*
I have a love/hate relationship with the annual celebration of amazing food, terrifying rides, and cultural appropriation that is the Poplar Bluff River Luau. The whole town looks forward to this week-long event every summer. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I love the food. My Poplar Bluff summer is not complete until I’ve scarfed down countless foot long corn dogs, funnel cakes, turkey legs, and fried anything on a stick. My mom is on the city board which puts together the luau every year, so I’m proud of her and come to support her. Last year’s event was also the site of my the first time Marlene and I professed our love for each other. The River Luau offers much to appreciate.
As Jeff and I walk around the fairgrounds, though, I’m reminded of what I hate about it. Carnival rides which appear put together with staples, duct tape, and the prayers of children line the midway. I remind myself the screams I hear are those of happy fairgoers enjoying a pleasant summer evening and not of terrified people falling to their deaths from atop a rickety Ferris wheel. Scattered amongst the death traps passing for thrill rides are games of skill and chance. I wasted so much money last summer on a shooting game, I could’ve saved hard-earned cash and my fragile ego by simply buying a stuffed bear for Marlene off Amazon. I guess seeing her smile when she held the bear was worth it, though.
And, then, there are the carnies. The rides and games are all manned by a traveling band of sketchy figures. Ever since I was a small child, I’ve been afraid of them. Reading Something Wicked This Way Comes did nothing to calm my fears. I think of Mr. Dark’s traveling carnival from that book as I look at the sinister individuals standing watch by the attractions. They look human, but we now know they are really Herpezoids here to help Jackleigh carry out her devious plan.
Jeff and I each carry a minor cache of weapons. In my pocket is a Gulliball. Strapped to my right hip is the Existential Crisis Inducer. Since it looks like a flashlight, no one will question it. Tucked in the back of Jeff’s belt is both a JazzHands Phaser and a Neutralizer like the one I used on Max and his agents at the portal. We scan the grounds. Carnies work the controls of the rides, entice people to play rigged games, and dish out copious amounts of fried anything and everything, yet their focus appears solely on us. I feel their creepy eyes on us with every step we take. My pulse quickens and pounds in my temple. My legs tingle with anxiety. My chest hurts. The reality of no longer wanting any part of the Corporate life overwhelms me.
“I really am ready to go,” I tell my friend. “It’s tim
e.”
“I’ve been ready to go for as long as I can remember,” he says. “That’s why when this job is done I’m going back through the portal.”
“I still say you should come to college with me.” That’s a token response on my part. I know Jeff wants nothing to do with college.
“I’m not about that life. I don’t belong here. I don’t think I ever have. I’ve got a cool gig working with Simon Tybalt. I got a pimped out Vega. I get to travel. I’ve seen so much in a short time. One time, on Bi Xiu Prime, I got a massage from a girl with four arms. She had four arms. I want you to think about that for a minute.”
And, for a few seconds, I do think about it. How could I not?
“I need away from Corporate.” I turn away from Jeff and look at a carnie holding a stuffed unicorn. His creepy gaze bores into me. His eyes flip from human form to those of a Herpezoid. “I need normalcy. I need a plan for my life that doesn’t involve all this.”
“Maybe you and Marlene will get back together.” Jeff pulls out a cigarette and lights up. He offers me one and I take it. I can’t let this nano inside me start taking over with so much on the line. What’s the deal with her, anyway?”
“What do you mean?”
“The way she kissed you back at the book store.” He takes a drag and exhales and I realize I should tell him he doesn’t have a nano in him. “What’s up with that? Are you guys back together?”
I puff on my own cigarette and think about that amazing kiss and the one from the night she saved me from Life Coach Gilbert and the little old lady whose name is still a mystery. The sights and sounds of this ridiculous carnival remind me of our first kiss. Have we had our last kiss now? Can I get her back?
“I dunno,” I say. “She’s still pretty pissed that I broke up with her. Yet, she kissed me.”
“Does she work for Corporate or something?” Jeff takes a final smoke and flicks his cigarette onto the ground. “She takes down Herpezoids like it’s her purpose in life.”
“I don’t know. I thought so, but Randi says she doesn’t. She works with Kevin, I guess.” I toss my cigarette to the ground and smash it out. “Jeff, I need to tell you something about your nano.”
“Later.” Jeff points straight ahead. “Marlene’s walking this way eating a turkey leg. I’m gonna check some things out. Find my car. Kick some ass. I’ll be in touch. You do you and work some shit out.”
Jeff disappears into the midway crowd on his quest to find Miss America. Marlene faces me. She wears the familiar ponytail and no makeup. Her face is always fresh and sunny, even when she’s gnawing on poultry and covered in alien blood.
“Found anything yet?” she asks me. “Did you find your mom yet? Have you tried these turkey legs? Freaking amazing.” She walks past me toward the parking lot.
“Where are you going?” I chase after her.
“I got word from a contact that there are some Araneae somewhere in town. A big nest or whatever you call it. I’m gonna find it and take it out ‘cuz that’s what I do.”
“Since when?” I spin her around. “It’s like I never knew you. You apparently live a secret life as an alien hunter who eats everything in sight.”
“Why do you care to know me now? You broke up with me.” She takes one last bite of the turkey leg and tosses the bone to the side. “So, I’m eating the shit out of everything and focusing on my career.”
“And dating Clint.” I shouldn’t say that, but I felt the need to get in a petulant dig. Her response begins with a slug to my bicep.
“Don’t be a dick. Clint was an assignment. I got intel that he might be a Herpezoid. When we broke up, I let him think he was healing my broken heart so I could get close to him.”
“How long have you been in the book club?” My arm still stings from her punch. I’ve never been more attracted to this girl than I am right now. She’s mysterious, fiery, and could easily kick my ass with little to no effort.
“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” She grabs my face with both hands and kisses me. Arousal fans out across my body, especially to all the critical areas. I reach to pull her close to me, but she breaks our kiss and backs away a couple of steps. “I’m not in the book club. I fly solo. I do my own thing. In secret. It’s awesome.”
“Will you stop randomly kissing me? I mean, don’t stop. Randomly kiss me all you want. I don’t understand what’s going on here. Are you mad at me? Are you done with me? Or are you still into me? What’s going on here?”
“Tony Pershing.” She pulls a Herpezoid-killing pistol from her back waistband and inspects it. “It is entirely possible to know you need to move on from someone even though you still love them. Now, I need to go take out some Herpezoids and find the Araneae. Go save your mom and let me do my job.”
She walks away from me and I follow her into the parking lot. I call after her, but she waves me off. She stops at her motor scooter and look back at me.
“You hurt me, Tony Pershing.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. I thought my job at Corporate was too dangerous and didn’t want to risk you getting hurt.”
“I can take of myself.”
“So it would seem.”
“We both had secrets.” She puts her helmet on and sits on her scooter. “Neither one of us knew the other. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you, either. It compromised my mission.”
The obnoxious roar of Clint Hudson’s Truck of Overcompensation overwhelms our conversation and we turn to see it barreling toward us on the parking lot. It skids to a stop and Clint hops down from the driver’s side and his loyal cronies Tyler and Dalton emerge from the passenger side. Never have three people needed to find a hobby more than this trio.
“Fanstastic,” I mutter.
“We were supposed to go the River Luau today.” Clint huffs. “What are you doing here with this asshole?”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t know you and I had a date today, Clint. If our relationship is going to work, we need to improve our communication.”
“I’m not talking to you.” He shoves me and turns to Marlene. ‘What are you doing here with this pussy?”
“Don’t call me that,” I say. “Besides, you’re the one who got his ass handed to him the other night.”
“I’ll call you whatever I want,” Clint says. “Besides, I’m not a pussy.”
“Fine, then.” I take a couple of steps toward Clint because something about being around him now fills me with a need to act like a buck in the wild. “If somebody thinks you’re a hedgehog, presumably you give them a mirror and tell them to sort it out for themselves.”
“What?” Clint says.
“He’s quoting Douglas Adams now, Clint.” Tyler says. “First it was Isaac Asimov, now Douglas Adams. This dude has no respect for you.”
“What is it with guys and the incessant need to posture in front of a female?” Marlene asks. We stare back at her in slack-jawed silence, though, in Clint’s defense, slack-jawed silence might be his resting face. “It’s pathetic.”
“They were posturing.” Tyler points at Clint and me. “Not us.”
“Right,” agrees Dalton. “Clint is a classic poser.”
“I’m offended by the use of a term for female genitalia as an insult,” I say. “Can’t we rise above all that?”
“Marlene,” Clint protests. “You’re supposed to be with me.”
“Besides,” Marlene says, pointing at herself. “This particular possessor of said female genitalia could unleash holy hell on all of you.”
“Are you trying to pick a fight with me, Marlene?” Clint maintains his slack-jawed expression. “I thought we had something together.”
“We do.” She cups his face like a mother would a child. “But, it’s not what you think it is.”
“So, you’re back with this pussy?” Clint shoves me once more.
“Stop that.” Marlene’s voice sounds as if it’s dropped an octave or two and she speaks through clenched teeth. �
�If you do it again, I’ll have to assert myself.”
“You threatening me? I do what I want. If I want to push someone, I will.” Clint pushes me to the ground, I assume, to demonstrate he’s a man of his word. I get back on my feet and pull the Existential Crisis Inducer from its holster.
“Careful, Clint!” yells Tyler. “He’s got a flashlight!”
“Actually, I wasn’t referring to shoving Tony.” Marlene steps up to Clint. Though her face only comes to his broad chest, she is not intimidated. “Though, you need to stop doing that, too. You need to stop shoving Tony and saying the word ‘pussy.’”
“Like I said, Marlene. I do what I want.” Clint leans down to her, noses nearly touching. His eyes glow the way they did the night he attacked me at the portal. “So, if I wanna call him or anyone else a pussy, then, I will.”
Marlene gives each of her response its own special emphasis. “Don’t. Do. It.”
“He’s. A. Pussy.”
Marlene’s knee greets Clint’s crotch with a violent upward thrust. He cries out and falls to the ground. She straddles his chest and pounds his jaw twice with her fist. I fire the Existential Crisis Inducer at Tyler and Dalton, but my shot misses and hits the grill of the Truck of Overcompensation.
“Hey!” Dalton cries out. “That’s not a flashlight.”
“I’m getting security,” Tyler says and the pair turns to run into the park. “You two are in big trouble.”
Marlene jerks her awesome sci-fi nun chucks from her back waistband and hurls them at the fleeing boneheads. The weapon clocks Dalton in the back of the head and he hits the ground in a heap. She sprints to Tyler, jumps on his back, and wrestles him to the ground.
“Say ‘I’m a tiny penis,’” she commands him. “Say it.”
“No!” Tyler tries in vain to remove himself from her vice-like grip around his head.
“Say it,” she barks one more time. “Say ‘I’m a tiny penis’ or I’ll snap you in half.”
“I’m a tiny penis.” Tyler gasps for air as Marlene releases her stranglehold.
“I know what the three of you are.” She looks at Clint, Tyler, and Dalton nursing their wounds. “If I see you out alone, I won’t go as easy on you.”