by Deborah Carr
Before she could say anything else, grief washed over her. She gave in to it, unable to help herself. What was she going to do without him?
He took the cloth from her head and smoothed her hair back from her face. “I’ll leave you be,” he said, quietly. “but I’m only next door if you need me.”
At some point later, she had no idea how long, Alice woke. For a split second she was confused to find herself fully clothed in a hospital bed. Then she remembered what had happened to her and her loss overwhelmed her again.
Doctor Sullivan entered the room and stood at the end of her bed, watching her, sadness etched on his face. Alice looked at him through swollen eyes. “I’m very sorry to hear about Captain Woodhall,” he said. “I want you to know that if there is anything I can do, you only need ask.”
“Thank you.”
“If you want privacy, you’re welcome to sleep here tonight. I don’t need the bed for a patient.”
She opened her mouth to reply, but he cut her short with a shake of his head. “No need to answer. Would you like me to bring you a drink? Tea? Water, maybe, of if you’d prefer, I have brandy.”
Alice shook her head, tears once again streaming down her face.
“I’ll go now,” he said walking out of the door before she could manage an answer.
She closed her eyes. Her mind tormented with snapshots of the last time she and Ed lay in each other’s arms in the poppy field. They would never be able to return there now.
The following morning, Matron visited Alice. She patted Alice’s hand. “I’ve decided you should return to Jersey. You should be with your family at a time like this.”
Alice’s instinct was to argue, but she didn’t have any fight left in her. “Whatever you say, Matron.”
“Arrangements have been made,” Matron continued, her voice gentle. “Nurse Jones will assist you to pack up your belongings.” She hesitated. Alice could see Matron wanted confirmation that she was happy to leave, so she nodded. “An ambulance will take you to the dock. You can take the boat back to the mainland and then on to Jersey from there.” She took Alice’s right hand in hers. “I didn’t approve of your relationship with the captain, as you are aware, but I am sorry to hear of his loss. We will miss you, Nurse Le Breton.”
Alice blew her nose. “Thank you, Matron. You’ve been very kind.”
Matron left. Alice realised that now her return home had been decided, she was looking forward to being with her family. At least in Jersey there were no shared memories with Ed to taunt her.
The thought that she had lost the chance to introduce him to her family and her island brought on fresh tears. How was she going to live without him in her life?
Chapter 26
Gemma
August - 2018
Gemma sat at the head of the table with Tom to her right. She had to concentrate on what the old man was saying to her from the opposite end of the table. She really was going to have to improve her French, she thought. She was relieved her food had received her guests’ approval and was grateful for the bowls of couscous and three quiches that a couple of the guests had brought with them.
She was fascinated when one of her older neighbours talked about the citadel in the village and how Doullens was situated between places she recognised from reading historical novels, Arras to the north-east, Amiens to the south.
“Did you know,” she said to Tom as they went to the kitchen to fetch more wine. “There was a meeting at the town hall here during the Great War, where representatives from the allied forces agreed to Marshall Foch being appointed as supreme commander of the French military forces? Isn’t that exciting? Maybe Alice was staying here when it happened?”
“It’s possible, I suppose. I had heard something about it,” he said. “I believe that’s why coloured banners are hanging outside the town hall.”
She had so much to learn about this pretty place. The thought that it had played its part in the First World War fascinated her. It gave her more of a background to Alice’s letters.
The heat of the day eased with the setting sun. Later, Gemma sat back in her chair and took a sip from the glass of wine in her hand, watching her new friends chatting and laughing with each other, under the twinkling lights Tom had erected earlier. The air was filled with the scent of jasmine and lavender and Gemma couldn’t ever imagine being happier than she was right now.
“Having fun?” Tom asked leaning closer to her.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m surprised how many of their stories I’ve understood despite my appalling French. Hand signals have helped.”
Tom laughed. “Conversation, however stilted, is the most effective way to learn. You’ve probably picked up more than you realised since being here.”
“I must have,” she said, taking his hand under the table discretely and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m glad you persuaded me to do this today. I feel like I’ve known some of these people for ages, even though I can’t understand everything they’re saying.” She looked from one guest to the other. “They’re so welcoming.”
Tom refilled her glass. “That’s because they like you and what you’re doing to the farmhouse. I heard one of them say how he’s been hoping someone would give this place a new lease of life.”
“It’s certainly had that today,” she said.
The song on the iPod changed. A couple got up and began jiving in the courtyard. Gemma wished she could do the same with Tom, but not wanting to put him in a position where he would have to refuse, she kept quiet, humming along to the music and tapping her feet.
Tom stood up and took hold of her hand, taking her glass and putting it down next to her seat. “Come along. Let’s give it our best shot,” he said, pulling her to her feet. “Though don’t expect me to do what they’re doing.”
Gemma beamed at him and immediately began dancing. Tom seemed unfazed by his lack of skill. She had to admit he was a great host, waving for the others to get up and join them. His enthusiasm made her forget her inhibitions and lose herself in the music.
After several dances, Tom pulled her into his arms and hugged her, smiling. “I’m going to have to sit down for a bit.”
“That’s a relief,” Gemma laughed. “I wondered when you were going to take a breather.” They sat down, and she quenched some of her thirst with her wine. “You’ve got far too much stamina.”
He threw his head back and laughed loudly. “You’ve had fun though?”
“Oh, the best,” she said, smiling at him. She stared at him as he studied her, relieved she had chosen to give France a try. The concern she felt about how she was supposed to support herself crept into her mind for a moment. No, she thought, refusing to let it dampen her enjoyment of the evening. She pushed her worries away. There would be time enough for that tomorrow morning.
Later, with the last of the stragglers gone, Gemma stood with Tom and waved them goodbye.
“Don’t worry about the mess out there,” he said. “I’ll help you tidy everything away in the morning.”
“Thank you,” she said grateful for the offer. She stifled a yawn, not wishing Tom to leave just yet.
He gave her a kiss on her cheek. “I think you should get some sleep, it’s been a long day.”
She had enjoyed her evening with him, chatting, watching him interact with everyone in his relaxed, charming manner. “I don’t want you to go,” she said, not caring if he was shocked.
Tom’s eyes widened. He stared at her silently for a few seconds. “Are you sure, Gemma?”
She nodded. “Perfectly.”
“We’ve been drinking,” he said after a moment. “I wouldn’t want you to wake up and regret anything. I think we should wait?”
She didn’t want to wait. What if she was unable to stay in France, as she hoped to do? How many opportunities would they get to be alone, like this one? As far as she was concerned they had waited long enough.
“I haven’t had much really,” she said. “Anyway, what sho
uld we wait for? We’ve spent more time together than most people who’ve dated for months.” It occurred to her that maybe he’d been trying to let her down gently. “But, if you don’t want to stay the night, then that’s fine.” He went to say something, but Gemma shook her head. “I’ll understand,” she fibbed, aware she’d be mortified if he turned her down.
Tom crossed the room, taking her in his arms and kissed her. “You don’t have to persuade me,” he said eventually, his voice soft. “I want this, too. I just needed to be sure you’re certain.”
“I am.” She took him by the hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom.
The following morning, Gemma woke to hear gentle breathing beside her in the bed. She lay still recalling all that had happened the night before between her and Tom, and smiled. How could she leave now, knowing she would not spend time with him like she was able to do here? She turned slowly, careful not to wake him. Facing him, she rested her elbow on her pillow, her cheek against her palm, staring at his perfect mouth, wanting to kiss it again.
His brown hair sun-kissed from working outside, stuck up at various angles. Despite his bed hair and need for a shave, he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Gemma watched his muscular chest rise and fall. He was sexy even in a deep sleep. She reached out to touch his chest, stopping before her skin met his. She didn’t want to wake him. Not yet. Let him sleep, she thought. It had been a long day preparing for the party and it felt good simply having him here.
She slid quietly out of the bed. Pulling on her shorts and tee-shirt, Gemma grabbed her trainers and walked quietly downstairs.
Opening the tin, Gemma took the first letter from the second batch. Maybe now she’d discover why Alice had kept the letters in separate batches, she mused, walking outside. The day was already warm, and pollen floated in the sunshine. Gemma walked up to the field and stared across the low mist. Turning to face the freshly painted farmhouse, she sighed, gazing at its white walls shining brightly in the morning sunlight.
Was this how Alice felt living here when she stayed at the farm that first weekend here with Ed? Gemma sat down on the damp grass and began reading Alice’s next letter. Within seconds, her heart was pounding in shock. Surely not, she thought, breathlessly. She re-read it, hoping she had misunderstood what was inside.
“No,” she cried, covering her mouth with her hand, before reading it a third time. Ed couldn’t be dead. There must be a mistake, she thought angrily. This can’t be how Alice and Ed’s love story ended? It would be too cruel.
“Bloody war,” she shouted, forgetting Tom was asleep inside the house with the windows wide open.
Stunned, Gemma pictured Alice’s distraught reaction. Her notes on the back of the letter adding snippets about her devastation. She thought of Doctor Sullivan and how he had shown his true friendship by taking care of her until she was able to leave the hospital. Ed and Alice never did return here, she thought, miserably. She wiped her eyes with the bottom of her tee shirt, trying to come to terms with the notion that the couple didn’t spend the rest of their lives happily bringing up their brood of beautiful babies at the farmhouse.
Damn the war. Damn all wars, separating families and loved ones, causing men and women’s lives to change beyond all recognition. It was all so wrong.
She felt a gentle hand on her right shoulder. “Hey, what’s all this?” Tom asked, sitting down next to her a little awkwardly. “If it’s about last night—”
“No, it isn’t,” she said. She grabbed his forearm with her free hand. “Last night was, well it was amazing.” She handed him the letter. “It’s nothing to do with us. It was reading this that upset me,” she said. “It’s the first letter from the second batch.”
She sat silently while Tom read, frowning as he did so. “But this is horrible.”
“I know,” she swallowed. “It seems that the letters are in two batches because the second batch were written after his death.”
“But why would Alice write to Ed if she couldn’t send them anywhere?”
Gemma shrugged, taking back Alice’s letter and reading it for a fourth time.
He put his arm around her shoulders. “Was it her way of keeping him alive, do you think?”
Gemma hadn’t thought of that. She liked the idea and could imagine Alice’s motives behind it. “Yes, I suppose it must have been,” Alice wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Something like that.”
They sat in silence for a while.
“I think I should stay here,” she said breaking their silence.
Tom didn’t speak for a while. The silence disturbed by several starlings on the branch of a nearby tree and bees buzzing on the few cornflowers next to her feet.
“You mean in the field now, or at the farmhouse?”
She could tell he was surprised, and hoped he was happy with her decision. It had been an unexpected one. Thinking about Alice’s life and how it had suddenly changed, Gemma knew that she, too, had no way of knowing what would happen in her own future.
“We think we have all the time in the world,” she said thoughtfully. “I’ve seen enough tragedy at the trauma unit to know we might not be that lucky. You know that only too well.”
“I do.”
“Reading Alice’s letter has made me think.” She took hold of his left hand in hers. “I don’t want to waste any time I have with you,” she said. “However long this thing we’re sharing lasts, I want to enjoy it. I’m not going to end it by choice.”
Tom pulled her towards him and kissed her, hard. “Good,” he said eventually. “I’m relieved. What will you do about the farm?”
She thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. The first thing I need to do is speak to my dad and try to persuade him not to sell. Though why he’d agree to that, I can’t imagine.”
“The most important thing for now,” Tom said. “Is that you’ve made a decision.” He kissed her on the nose. “The right decision.”
She was relieved to hear him being so enthusiastic about her decision to stay in France. She stood up and held out a hand for him to take it.
“I think the first thing I need to do though, is tidy everything up from the party and then give my dad a call. Get it over with.”
“Good plan,” Tom said, picking her up and swinging her round. “It was a good party though, wasn’t it?”
Gemma pushed Alice’s letter carefully into her shorts pocket. “It was,” she said, as he put her down. They strolled to the barn and Gemma couldn’t help wishing Alice had been able to enjoy family parties with Ed at this place, too. What a tragic shame, Gemma thought, miserable for the couple.
Tom placed his fingertips under her chin, lifting her head slightly. “Just remember one thing,” he said quietly. “The only person stopping you from realising your dreams, is you.”
She considered his words. They made sense. “You’re right. I know you are. It’s only today though, that I can envisage a new dream to replace my previous career-led one.”
“And?”
She stared into his beautiful eyes and kissed him quickly on his perfect lips. “You’ve given me the confidence to believe in myself.”
“Good,” he said, pulling her to him. “I’m glad.”
Chapter 27
Alice
January 1919
Alice folded away Doctor Sullivan’s letter. It still felt odd thinking of him as Jack, but since he had begun corresponding with her soon after her return to Jersey, he had become one of her closest confidantes. She was grateful for his friendship. Now that Mary was so happy and recently married, it had been a relief to have him to write to.
“Alice, we’re going to be late.”
The last thing Alice felt like doing was going out for afternoon tea with her mother’s friends. Being back in Jersey had been comforting for the first few weeks. She had her own room and could sob in peace when she locked the door. Now, though, she was expected to be sociable. Making small talk and answering endless questions ab
out her time working at the casualty clearing station was agony. The constant mention of the place where she had met and learnt that she had lost Ed was something she wasn’t ready to discuss, with anyone.
She stared at her reflection in the cheval mirror, her hand lightly encircling her rounded belly. Recalling Jack’s care of the nurse who had terminated her own pregnancy in France, she was certain he would not judge her predicament like most people. He was a good man. She thought of how he had operated on Ed and it was comforting to know someone who remembered Ed, however tentative their relationship.
She stared at her swollen belly. Ed would have made a perfect father, she thought, picturing him gazing at their baby as he held it in his arms.
Hearing her mother’s footsteps coming up the stairs, Alice quickly grabbed her coat. She couldn’t hide her pregnancy for much longer, she knew that, but until she could find a way to break the reputation shattering news to her mother, she was going to have to keep concealing her condition.
Alice was fastening the last button when her mother entered her room.
“Darling girl, I know you don’t wish to join me today,” she said, patting her immaculately coiffed hair needlessly. “But I believe it’s time for you to meet people and find your place back in island society.”
Alice understood her mother’s need for her to meet someone and marry. No one would ever match up to Ed though, she knew that and would rather remain a spinster than settle for a loveless marriage. Her conscience pricked at her. Could she really let this baby grow up illegitimate? She would do what no doubt thousands of other girls in her situation did and pretend to be widowed.
“What I need, Mother,” Alice said, trying to keep her voice gentle. “Is to find a position somewhere.”
Her mother looked aghast at the suggestion. “You do not need to work,” she said, picking up Alice’s handbag and passing it to her. “The war is over now. There is no need for you to volunteer for anything else.”
“Can’t you see how lost I am having nothing to keep my mind occupied?”