She fell back on top of Will, a sharp pain in her toe.
He pushed himself up, suddenly wide awake. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes.’ She winced, and held her toe.
‘You’ve cut yourself.’ Will grabbed a handful of tissues from the box by the bed and then groaned. ‘I’ve broken your photo and you’ve cut your foot.’
‘It’s not bad. Only a nick in my toe.’
‘Hold on.’
‘What for?’
He got out of bed and examined her foot. ‘Keep still.’
Gaby gritted her teeth, then let out a little squeal.
Will held out a thin sliver of glass. ‘More tissues. Quick,’ he said, taking the handful from her and holding them against her toe. Splotches of red appeared.
Gaby sank back on the bed, while he pressed tissues against her foot.
‘I’ll get another frame. I’ll order one the same. I am sorry.’ He was full of remorse. It was strange to see his softer side.
‘It really doesn’t matter,’ she said, trying to be kind. The broken photo was more painful than her foot.
‘It does. The man in the photo, with you and your parents? That’s your brother, Stevie, I assume?’
‘Yes.’
He sighed deeply. ‘Jess told me a little about it but asked me not to mention it and upset you. I’m really sorry.’
‘Absolutely no need to be. It’s been over a year now.’ Gaby sat up and examined her foot which had stopped bleeding. How romantic, she thought, but Will was looking at her tenderly.
‘What happened?’ he said gently. ‘Only if you want to tell me more.’
He lifted her hair off her face. Tears stung the back of her eyes, coming out of nowhere like a clap of thunder on a summer’s day. She took a big breath.
‘He was involved in a motorbike accident, shortly after his twenty-first birthday, for which I feel partly to blame. We’d had a row …’ She paused before going on. ‘He already owed Mum and Dad for a car they’d bought him and he still wanted the bike even though they hated it. It was second-hand off a mate; a great deal for cash, he said. He didn’t dare ask them to sub him the rest of the money, so I loaned him it from my savings.’ Her voice became roughened. It was hard to voice fears she held back from everyone else.
He held her hand. ‘You can’t blame yourself.’
‘All I know is that if I’d stuck to my guns and refused, he wouldn’t have had that fucking bike and he wouldn’t have been fucking killed. Oh shit.’ The bitterness and anger in her voice shocked her so what must Will think? She tried to soften her tone. ‘I’ve never told anyone that before. Bad timing. Sorry, when we’ve just … you know.’
Will held her. He didn’t say: ‘It’s not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up,’ as she might have expected, not that she’d planned on ever pouring out her heart like this. He simply listened and held her and stroked her hair until she stopped wanting to cry and her toe started hurting again.
‘What am I like?’ She smiled through her tears.
‘A normal person?’ he said. ‘A semi-normal person, anyway.’
‘Ha ha ha!’ Gaby picked up the pillow and hit him, eager to chase her tears away with laughter. She hadn’t asked or expected to talk about Stevie, but Will had somehow drawn feelings out of her that she’d never shared with anyone else. Her stomach fluttered. This – her feelings for Will – was becoming serious … dangerous and throwing up all kinds of possibilities she hadn’t planned for. Like staying longer than the summer …
Outside the door, they heard voices.
Will grimaced. ‘Arghh.’
Gaby sighed. ‘Too late now.’
‘This saves us creeping round and pretending. People may as well know.’
Her heart rate picked up. What was he going to say? ‘Know what?’
He swallowed hard. ‘This is probably the worst idea ever, but if I don’t say it, I don’t think I can handle it any more. Jesus, what am I doing? Shit. It’s just, I think I might love you.’ Immediately Will buried his head in his hands and let out a groan. ‘Oh God.’ He dragged his hands over his face. ‘Did I just say that? Scrub it. Forget it.’
Goosebumps had popped out all over Gaby’s skin again and she didn’t feel quite steady. The man of her dreams was finally in her bed and had just said the three little words that she’d least expected. Other words, perhaps: let’s do this again. Let’s start behaving like adults for a change. But not I love you.
‘Judging by your silence, I just did an incredibly stupid thing.’
‘No. It was an incredibly brave thing.’ And the loveliest, most amazing thing anyone had ever said to her. But though her heart screamed to say the words back, how could she give him false hope when she knew she had to leave?
‘Brave? It’s that bad, then?’ He jumped up. ‘I’ll go.’
‘You’d probably better put some shoes on first or you’ll cut your feet and drip blood everywhere.’ Gaby smiled tenderly, even though her heart was aching. She pulled his arm. ‘Sit down.’
Will obeyed and sat next to her, looking as if the sky had fallen in on him. ‘I’m not the first person who’s said this to you, am I?’
‘Hmm. I’m afraid not. There have been a couple more.’
‘I knew it,’ he said gloomily. ‘And did they crash and burn too?’
‘It didn’t end well. Henry tried to kiss me straight after he’d told me and we both ended up in front of the head of Year Four. Then there was a man at the garden centre who wanted me to move into his sheltered bungalow, but I had to decline.’
The look of complete confusion on Will’s face gave way to a disbelieving shake of the head. ‘You never stop joking, do you?’
Gaby rested her hand on his thigh. ‘It’s no joke. I can see you’re serious. Is this the first time you’ve said it to anyone?’
‘What do you think?’
‘I heard there were other girlfriends in the past. I don’t know if any of them were serious.’
‘There was one I cared for a lot and maybe I thought it was love, but I wasn’t sure at the time. Now I know for certain that it wasn’t love because I know how I feel about you … I’m making a tit of myself again, aren’t I?’
‘No. God no. It’s amazing to have a guy say that to me. To hear you say it.’
‘But you’re not saying it back. That’s understandable.’
‘No … It’s not what I expected. That’s all.’
He covered his head with his hands and blew out a breath. ‘This has been a fucking disaster. I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Finally, we get together, have amazing sex …’
She touched his chest, felt his thumping heart under her fingertips. ‘It was amazing. Wonderful.’
‘But then I have to bring the whole thing crashing down. Stick my size-twelve boots in it and destroy it.’
‘I rather like your boots. In fact, it was your wellies that first attracted me to you.’
He frowned hard. ‘What?’
‘I love them. I love your boots and your knackered old jeans and your grouchy grumpy ways. Even when you’re being an awkward, perverse bastard, I love it all but …’
‘But …’ he echoed, his eyes pleading with her.
‘But I don’t see how it’s going to work, Will. No matter how I feel about you – even if I let myself feel the same way and believe me, I want to – I don’t see how we’re going to be together. Your life is here. You’re rooted to this soil. You thrive on it and me – I love it here too – but I can’t make it my home.’ Not forever, she thought. Not yet. If she didn’t escape now, she might never do all the things she’d promised herself and sworn on her brother’s memory. She wasn’t ready to let those dreams go yet. ‘It’s so beautiful here, but it’s just one patch of earth,’ she said as gently as she could. ‘It may well be that I see some more of the world and still realise that this is the best place on the planet and the place for me. But I have to see those other places, experience them. I owe it to Stevie, to
my parents and to me.’
Will shook his head and heaved a sigh. ‘I know. Jess tried to warn me, but I think she was as worried about me hurting you as vice versa.’
Gaby thought for a moment, surprised that Will had gone so far as sharing how he felt with Jess. Her next words were quiet and tentative. ‘You know, I could ask you to come with me.’
‘I can’t.’ The response came back as swift and sure as an arrow.
Straight to her heart. She should never have tried. How was it that in a moment she’d got everything she wanted, yet she’d managed to throw it away? She’d spent so long hoping he’d show that he wanted her, that she hadn’t thought that he might feel more than just physical attraction – that he might love her.
Will laid his hand on her thigh. Every muscle, every bone ached to say she would stay. She longed to say she loved him too, but she couldn’t stay here in one place forever. There many places to see, so much life to experience elsewhere, and she wished she could live it with Will.
‘Will you still stay for the summer?’ he asked.
‘I was going to, but now I’m not so sure it’s the greatest idea.’ She spoke softly. ‘Part of me thinks if I hang around too long, I’ll never go and staying here wasn’t part of my plan.’
He pushed his hair out of his eyes roughly and let out a groan. ‘I never expected to feel this way, but it’s too late now. I can’t change the way I feel or that I’ve told you.’
She kissed him on the lips but couldn’t think of a word to say. He’d tossed all her expectations and plans in the air.
‘The way I see it, we have two choices,’ he murmured. ‘Go for it while we can. Even if that’s for a week. Or pretend this never happened.’
‘We’ve already tried the pretence. I don’t think it was working, do you?’ she said. ‘Oh!’
Without warning, he tipped her down onto the bed. His eyes were fierce as he looked into them. ‘In that case, time’s running out and we haven’t got a moment to waste.’
As she gave herself into the kiss, Gaby knew he was right, but she just wished it didn’t have to be that way.
Chapter 33
Jess hadn’t expected to sleep the night after the race. Even though she was more physically exhausted than she’d ever been in her life, she knew Adam’s confession would keep her awake. She sat up for a while, watching the moon lay a silvery path over the sea through her window. Imagining Luca sitting in his apartment on Petroc, maybe cradling a glass of brandy. Thinking of her? Or still consoling his crew and trying to schmooze Hugo?
Then there was Adam. She was on surer ground with him. He’d be with Keri and Emmy. Emmy would be in bed by now and Adam and Keri would be together in the sitting room. Would Adam be thinking of her or worrying about the axe hanging over his head – or both? How had he coped these last few months with that burden?
Jess had finally closed the curtains and lay in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to imagine it was the sky above her and count imaginary stars as she used to when she was at the school boarding house. When she was homesick or alone, she’d lose herself in the huge great blue bowl above her. She knew how to solve her problems these days and keep them in perspective: devise a plan for tackling them. But Adam’s problem was too big. Too big even for ‘grown-ups’. She could run away from it if she wanted to: take Luca’s offer and leave …
She closed her eyes.
A hundred and one, a hundred and two, a hundred …
*
Their mother was sipping from a teacup when Jess entered the kitchen the next morning. The table was set for three but Will’s place was untouched.
Jess sat down and reached for the teapot. ‘Will not up yet?’ she said.
Her mother pursed her lips. ‘His bed’s not been slept in.’
Jess put the pot down, wishing she hadn’t asked. ‘Ah.’
‘Is that all you can say?’
‘I’m not his keeper, Mum. It’s his life.’
Anna’s voice rose. ‘He’s with her, isn’t he?’
Jess knew her mother meant Gaby and struggled to keep her reply calm. ‘I don’t know. That’s his business.’
‘He went out to the yard after he’d had a shower when you came back from the racing. I didn’t hear him return. Did you?’
‘I was spark out as soon as my head touched the pillow,’ Jess lied as she poured tea into her mug.
Her mother tinkered with the teaspoon in the saucer. ‘She’s not right for him.’
‘You don’t know he’s been with Gaby and, anyway, at almost thirty-six, he can do what he wants.’ We both can, thought Jess, hoping Will was going to seize every opportunity to be happy, even if she couldn’t.
‘She’ll entice him away from the farm.’ The cup hit her saucer with a loud chink. Her mother’s eyes were moist.
Jess took her hand which wasn’t quite steady. ‘I know you’re scared of losing us, but if Will wants to leave, there’s nothing we can do and nothing we should do. It doesn’t mean our lives would stop; the farm would go on.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her eyes. ‘I’m being very selfish, but after your father left, I thought the world was over; the business, your futures and my life. We all worked so hard to build it up and I’m so proud of you both.’
Jess got up and hugged her mum. She was surprised and touched by her honesty. ‘No one’s going to abandon the farm or you,’ she soothed, but she was thinking of Luca’s offer at the same time. How could she leave if Will did go? He had no plans as far as Jess knew, but their mother had clearly seen something that Jess had missed: something between her brother and Gaby way beyond physical attraction.
‘You’re right though. I can’t stop either of you doing what you want. I have no right to. The closer I try to cling, the more you’ll want to go free.’
‘I love the farm. I love the isles. I don’t want to leave,’ said Jess. And it was all true, she suddenly realised, but it meant staying in limbo even if Adam left too.
Chapter 34
Gaby knew it was late by the angle of the sun through her room. She and Will spent much of the night trying to make up for lost time and now it was past the hour when she should have been up and about in the fields. Past the time when Will should have been out in the yard, calling for Len, carrying his coffee and crunching on the last of his toast. She’d fallen asleep last, wondering what to do, and woken first, having made her decision. She carefully extricated herself from his arms and managed to dress without waking him.
He opened one eye and blinked in the light. ‘Gaby?’
Her smile was small and fleeting. She knew he’d stir eventually and was surprised that he’d taken this long, given the noise she’d made while she was emptying the drawers.
‘What are you doing?’
Seconds were all it took him to see her, and the packed bags at her feet.
‘Shit. No. Why now? What have I done?’
He jumped out of bed. Still rumpled and gloriously naked. Gaby felt a wrench of misery like someone had placed a vice around her heart and turned it harder and harder.
‘It’s better this way.’ Her voice faltered as she squeezed out the words.
‘Better for who? Fuck, why did I say those stupid things? Why did I have to ruin it all!’ He shoved his hands through his hair, spiking it. ‘Damn it. Why not wind it all back to before I said that crap?’
‘You don’t mean that. And it wasn’t crap.’
Will threw up his hands in despair. ‘But it was a disaster. Can we just forget it?’
‘I’d like to, believe me …’ She held him, instantly worrying she might not be able to let him go again. ‘But that’s not what you want. I told you that I have to leave.’
‘And I have to stay here. I have responsibilities. I owe it to the farm and all the work we put in. It would break Mum’s heart if I quit. She went to pieces after Dad left. It nearly finished her and if I leave, Jess would have to shoulder all the burden her
self.’
‘That’s why I’m going now before I can’t leave and you start to hate me for making you feel as if you should leave.’ She told herself she was trying to be strong, she’d made her decision and it was for the best all round even if it felt wrong.
He held her by the shoulders. ‘I want to be with you. I can’t imagine life without you,’ he sighed, ‘but my life is here and yours is wherever you need to go. I know you want to explore what’s out there in the world. So do I, but we can’t always have what we want.’
‘I wanted Stevie to get better and I’d have done anything, but that was impossible. You seeing the world isn’t and while I want you to come with me so much it hurts, I care too much about you to make you leave your family and the farm. It’s your life – how can I take that away from you by issuing an ultimatum? It has to be your decision.’
‘And that’s why I won’t ask you to stay,’ said Will. ‘This – you leaving – is why I tried so hard until yesterday not to even get involved. Not because I didn’t want you to stay, because of how much I did. After that kiss in the shelter, I thought – hoped – that you felt something for me, but I was afraid that if I started something, I didn’t know how I could end it. I’ve seen how miserable Jess has been because of Adam and I guess I couldn’t face that.’
Gaby was sick with misery. ‘I’ve been thinking. I can come back here. Some time. In a year maybe …’
‘A year! I don’t think I can survive the wait.’ He kissed her and she realised she was crying. His arms felt so safe and tempting and solid, but she backed away and picked up her bags.
‘There’s an early boat. I have to go.’
He shook his head and grabbed his jeans from the floor. ‘I’ll come with you to the jetty.’ He struggled into them.
‘Please. No. No goodbyes. You go into the fields or the packing shed and let me walk away, just as if it’s a normal day. I can’t face a goodbye again.’
‘Because of Stevie …?’ he asked.
‘Not only him.’ She could hardly get the words out. ‘See you, then, boss.’
‘Yeah. I’ll get some Earl Grey in,’ he muttered. ‘For when you come back.’ His words were laced with a bitter despair that made Gaby’s heart crack in two.
Spring on the Little Cornish Isles: Flower Farm Page 26