by Douglas R.
I've struggled all day to keep this boy's face out of my mind. It wasn't easy. Especially with Play With My Hair stuck on replay in my head. The music goes on and on even after listening to it. And I have to fight to suppress it.
I'm finally back home where it's safe to think about anything I want. Where there are no sensors to read my brain waves and Cinder won't have know that I'm listening to music.
I still do have to listen to the Hypnotic tones a little bit in the morning. But only a little, just to mask over the brain waves that the music leaves behind. Trust me, you don't want to walk into the Major Tower with music in your head or an unknown brain wave pattern.
The sensors will catch you. And with all those clone soldiers in there there's no telling what could possibly happen.
So I think my deepest thoughts in secret. I know it may sound insane. Aren't my own thoughts hidden safely in my own head?
Well... no.
Welcome to Pandor.
Where freedom of thought is not a real right and my own thinking about myself poses a threat that could call in the enemy to my exact location as if I was screaming my whereabouts from a bull horn.
Weird what one quiet and innocent voice in my head can do. But not here. My home is my sanctuary. And as long as Pandor is shielded there's nothing stopping me from fantasizing this boy's face.
I lie on my bed, one hand in my hair as I remember his own. My lips move with the words of my favorite song:
I love it, I love it when you play with my hair...
I love it, I love it when you touch me right there...
I close my eyes and remember a kiss that almost happened. Why did I have to get so scared and wake up? I really screwed this up for myself. I won't make that mistake again.
I have a feeling I'll see this guy again. I can't wait to meet him and rape his lips and... love him?
Myla, are you falling?
I find myself laughing at the ceiling and how weird and crazy and sweet all of this is. A boy in my dreams. Who lives in Alaska. Wherever the heck that is in this Universe.
I know he's real. I just know he's real. My missing panties and his iPod—something never made before in Pandor, all the music artists listed inside and their pictures. Their faces that clearly do not reflect the make-belief peaceful aura that Pandor inflicts on its people through Hypnotic tones—courtesy of Capricorn's First Cruddy Law.
When they told me I could possibly have more strengths than they would expect, I had no idea it could possibly mean that I could meet with someone in a different planet, share a dream and exchange items during our sleep. I used to have childhood dreams where I would play at the beach or run in the fields with Xena and she would give me a little red shovel that I loved a lot. And while I was waking up I would try to hold on to that shovel but always awoke gripping thin air.
This is different. This is magical. This is something I can never tell Cinder, Thea, Phoebe or even Rhiannon. I can't let them destroy this too. I can't let them destroy what I could have with this boy.
They can never know about my new world.
Or my new... love?
Jeez, why do I get nervous just by thinking about that!?
There's no one here to probe into my head and besides, no one can actually read my thoughts.
But then... what if he doesn't really like me the way I like him?
My chest sinks in and I feel dehydrated just by the doubt. What if he has someone else over there in Alaska? What if he doesn't like the way I live or if he's afraid of the kind of life I live? What if all he wants to do is have sex... in a world like that... would it even be real? Could I even wake up pregnant?
I bump my head with my palm, feeling silly. I feel so stupid for even suggesting that. But I really like this boy. Maybe this is what it's like to like someone. I wouldn't know. It's my first time. And it's better than having to crush on my own trainer—yes, that almost happened one blue moon ago.
I reach for the iPod again. It's fully charged. Like most homes, this one is built with a wireless charging service that juices up anything with a battery.
I plug in my buds and explore the playlist on the screen. There are so many titles that I want to tap on and listen to. I am tired and I will probably fall asleep in a couple of minutes. And then I might meet Blake again. I hope. So I can... ask him out?
Out where? The only place you hang out is in that dreamy world that is in fact abnormally too real to be a dream...
"Shut up, Myla!" I snap at myself. Eyes on the screen now. I find a song that I think will put me to sleep, thinking about my encounter in a more positive way.
More than just a Dream.
I tap and it plays. I let my head sink back into my pillow and picture myself kissing this boy so hard. Yeah... that's how I like to see it. The fantasy is positive and it makes me feel like maybe for the first time in my life, real love can happen.
13
The flowing stream is muffled under the beats. It's funny how the song I was listening to before I fell asleep is the same one playing right now as I sit crossed legged, gazing at the steady water. The iPod is in my hands as my fingers dance.
The power of music is not enough to calm my too excited heart. I wish there was a way to tell it to slow down but there isn't. I can't lie to my heart. It knows where I am. It's a world so perfect you feel exactly like what you look at.
When I lie down to watch the clouds, I become the clouds. When I stare at the mountains I feel strong and confident and very content. Watching the flowing stream is supposed to make me feel patient and calm, free with every worry washed away. But my heart knows I'm waiting on a boy. So that just complicates the equation. I do hope this anxiety and this sweating is a good thing, if it's anything at all.
This could be more than just a dream
This could be more than you and me
Never thought that I'd believe
A love so good it's crazy
I sway to the whistles in the song, the oh-oh-oh, the clapping beats, the drums that hammer like they want to tell me a story. Perhaps one of a very cool boy who fell in love with a girl who was not so cool.
Star-crossed lovers
Do you hear the song on the radio?
There's a map on the cover
How would we know
How we'd find each other?
I barely understand what the words mean but they make some sense in the rhythm. It's a language of feelings, not just words. No matter what words you put, it will only mean the same.
I'm about to follow the song through to the next verse when I hear the grass shuffling behind me. In a heartbeat I know it's him.
I bounce on my feet and spin.
Blake.
He looks at me like I startled him. Or is he amazed? I press pause as he takes a couple steps closer and raises his hand. "Hi!"
"Hi!" I smile.
Okay, Myla. This is it! This is it!!! Don't screw it or you'll be sorry.
"Um... thanks for the iPod," I hold it up.
"Yeah..." He squints his eyes at his device. "…about that..."
"I'm no longer a caged bird. Well, not so much as I normally was," I'm quick to add, hoping to make an impression.
Blake makes a little smile. But it's not like he's really happy. It's like he's sorry he made me happy.
"I love your songs. Play with my hair is my favorite so far. I didn't get to listen to many songs because I have lots to do. Being a Lebra is crazy."
Blake doesn't say anything. Maybe he's thinking of what to say. I notice his eyes are fixed on his iPod.
"You want it back?" I ask. "I'm sorry if—"
"It's okay," he says. It's soothing to hear him say something again. He studies me, pulling in his lower lip and I'm getting these tingles... are you attracted to me?
"So this is real," he says, like something he is now coming to terms with.
"Yeah. If you have my panties then it's more than just a dream," I quote from my most recent song, "It's real."
>
He takes a deep breath and looks around. The mountains behind me, the tall trees tearing into the skyline and the aura of being one with anything you focus on. This definitely doesn't happen in a dream.
"What kind of place is this?"
"I don't know," I say. "But I do know it's one of my strengths."
"You mean powers?"
I smile. It's something I can't help. "Yes."
"What other powers do you... forget it," he finishes off. The sudden lack of interest in me hits me in the guts. I want him to like me.
Wait, I want him to love me.
I need to play nice.
"Yeah, boring topic. Would you like to listen to some music together. Maybe you could show me your favorite songs."
I think I nailed it with that. Swerve the attention to something we can do together. Then tell him how much I like him. Maybe it will take a couple of dreams like this to build a relationship. But I'm willing to do all it takes. No matter how many nights.
Blake stretches his hand toward his device. "Please?" He says.
I carefully carry his iPod and place it in his hands as gently as I can. It's the most precious thing in the universe.
"Thank you," he leans back and tucks his iPod in his pocket. "I hope you don't mind but I don't have your—"
"Keep it. It's okay."
"Oh, okay. Then..." He clasps his hands together and shoots me a hard gaze. "I guess it ends here."
If I had his precious iPod in his hands I would have dropped it.
"It ends here?" I raise my brows like I can't see wide enough at my new crushing reality.
"Yes. This weird me-meeting-you-in-a-dreamy-place thing. It ends here. Don't lure me in here."
"I don't. I swear I don't."
"I thought you said it was your strength."
I open my mouth but I don't have words. I open my chest but I can't breathe. Blake turns around and he is walking away.
When the tears trickle I find my voice and it breaks out like a caged bird who wants to sing.
"Wait!"
He doesn't turn back.
"I liked it when you played with my hair."
He stops.
"And when you touched me."
He turns again and maybe, maybe now there could be some hope to make this work.
"I think I like you!" I blurt out. My arms are tight against my sides with balled fists, so desperate to grab that boy. Please don't walk away. Pleaaaase!
"I'm sorry, Myla. I can't do this."
With that he heels out until he becomes a blur. The film on my eyes balls out into a tear. My guts feel so bad. Every vein in my face hurts and my arms lose their strength. I can't carry a feather. I turn back to the stream and fall to the ground. Crying and sobbing and pulling myself into a fetal position on my bed. It's dark and the Lunabees are glowing out my window like lamps in the water.
My hair falls over my shoulders and I stroke some strands off my cheek. My other hand notices that the iPod is gone.
It's really gone.
And he's gone too.
14
Blake strolls in the cafeteria holding his tray of lunch: a pizza, some pudding, a packet of chocolate milk and an apple. Sherri, Matty and Charlie have conquered a table by the window. Sherri waves him over. More out of an eager need for help and at the sight of Charlie caressing her brother's sideburns he doesn't need to ask why.
"Hey guys!" says Blake.
"'sup!" says Matty.
"Um... when did Charlie join us?" he asks, more to Sherri than to Matty.
"Today. You have a problem with that?" she says.
"No. I just had something personal to say to my buds. You don't mind do you?"
Matty looks over at Charlie who's giving him a reluctant stare. "Give us a minute."
"Whatever," she gets off the bench and heads out the cafeteria.
"Thanks, Blake," says Sherri.
"Guys, what's going on?"
"I think I like Charlie," says Matty. "Sherri doesn't."
"Of course she doesn't. You know why?" says Blake.
"Yeah... she told me. She should've told me earlier."
'I never thought you and Charlie would hook up," Sherri snaps. "She was supposed to be with Tom!"
"Okay, okay. We're friends, right? If Charlie is gonna be around then Sherri maybe you should just let it go."
"Oh, really?" She crosses her arms and shoots Blake daggers through her eyes.
"Come on. I know it sucks. But what sucks more is you having to relive Tom's betrayal every time you see Charlie around."
"She cheated with—"
"Shhh!" Matty tries to calm her down. Sherri has a tendency of bursting into wild tantrums. She won't care where she is or who the hell is watching. In other words, she can really make a scene.
"She cheated with my ex!"
"Then screw Tom and screw her too."
"Blake! She is dating my brother. Do you know how insulting that is?"
He sighs. He turns to Matty. "Bro. Will you call it quits with Charlie just so your sister will live in peace?"
"I'm currently finding it hard to let go of her lap dances."
Sherri turns to Matty. "Seriously?"
"Hey. If Tom cheated with my ex and you liked him. Would you break up just because it felt uncomfortable?"
Sherri takes a deep breath. Her chest heaves up and down as she breathes out her mouth. She turns away and attacks her cold pizza.
"Listen. Maybe there's a way you and Charlie can be friends. But for now I think Matty shouldn't bring her over to our booth."
Sherri looks up, slightly more positive. "That makes some sense."
"Seriously?" Matty raises his hands at Blake. "How am I going to explain that to her?"
"She stole my ex. I think she'll understand," Sherri says with a grin.
"Cool. That's settled," Blake grabs his milk and pulls out the straw.
"Fine," says Matty, back to his fruit. "I'll talk to Charlie. Anyway, did you get your iPod back?"
Blake looks up to meet his grin. He turns to Sherri and she sinks in her shoulders, biting her tongue. "Oops!"
"You told him?"
"I wasn't supposed to?"
"Sherri!"
"Come on. You told him half of it already."
"I didn't tell him I was going to try get it back."
"Hey," Matty intervenes. "Enough chit chat. Did you meet this Greek goddess again and get your iPod. What was her name again... Pandora?"
"Seriously?" says Sherri. "The one who let evil loose in the world?"
Matty chuckles and Sherri is busy trying to look all sorry. Blake reaches for his pocket and the next thing they see is his iPod sliding on the table.
"She gave it back to me."
Matty and Sherri drop their jaws and gawk long enough for a baby to count to five.
Matty starts, "You're sure it wasn't—"
"She gave it back to me. Simple."
Matty crosses his arms, "Hm... Impressive."
"Impressive?" says Blake, quite offended.
"Easy, dude. 'was just being ironic."
"So this is real?" says Sherri.
"Guess so. Hard to believe, isn't it?"
Sherri takes the iPod in her hands. "It's fully charged. You said it was—"
"Thirty percent before I slept."
"And why is this happening?" says Matty.
Blake shrugs. "I don't know. I called it off. Told her I didn't want anything to do with her."
"Sherri told you to do that?"
"I thought it was the right thing for Blake to do."
"Ever since Tom it's like you want all the other boys to break up with their girls."
Sherri opens her mouth to argue but pauses like she didn't fully understand what her brother just said. When she does she becomes frozen in a glare. Matty can smell his mistake and he gets off the bench before the tantrum begins. "I think I should go look for Charlie."
Sherri's gaze follows him. "You can't even apologize
when you know you should!" she shouts back.
"I'm sorry, Sherri," Blake reaches out. Sherri whacks his hands away and shoves her pizza into his face. It goes splat and slides down his shirt.
"Don't talk to me," she gets up quick and storms away. Blake hurries after her. Out the cafeteria and into the hallway.
"Sherri!" he calls out. "Sherri, wait!"
Her sobs are like a trail, leading Blake straight to her as she heads to the Ladies. She paces faster and Blake has to run just to catch up. He pulls her arm and turns her around. "Sherri!"
"Let me go! You don't know what it feels like to be dumped."
"I'm sorry about this, okay?" He pulls her in for a hug and she doesn't push. No matter how much she wants to be alone, she knows she needs it. Blake strokes her back. "It's going to be okay. He shouldn't have said that. I'm sure he didn't mean to."
"He's stupid."
"Sometimes."
Sherri pulls out and rests her hand on the door jamb of the toilet. "Sorry I got pizza all over your face... and your shirt. I lost it back there."
"And I'm sorry you got some of it on you too."
Sherri looks down at herself and notices the smear on her own T-shirt. "It was worth it."
She opens the door and leaves Blake outside the Ladies.
What a lunch this turned into.
He turns around and the bell rings, signaling the end of recess. Everyone begins to flow out to class. In the midst of activity in the hallway, he sees a girl. Her long auburn hair dances in the air. Her cute face is cringed with a frown. She is not happy. There is no light in her eyes.
She speaks, "You don't know what it feels like to be dumped."
Blake's pulse starts to race and he jolts when there's a touch on his shoulder. In an instant his eyes are up. Mr. Avery takes his hand off. "Didn't mean to startle you. We have class now. Poetry. The caged bird's wings are clipped and his feet are tied... come on now, finish up..."
Blake nearly stammers on the words. As if they choke. Mr. Avery beams at him and Blake spits out the next line of the poem. "So he opens his throat to sing."
"Great. Off you go. You're supposed to be seated in class before I get there."
Blake hurries away with the other kids, frantically looking from side to side. He can only see graffiti filled lockers. She is nowhere.