Then I went right up to her blindfolded face and put my hand gently on her cheek. I told her softly, “You can trust me. I want this too.” And then I drifted into my very first kiss with her. It wasn’t even from me. It wasn’t an action. It was a melding. It was from the cosmos. We kissed without any care in the world. It was guided by the moment and not by a person. It was sublime. It was tender and deep. It was Regina.
And by the same means, my hand was guided to rest between her legs. She lit up as she felt the contact. Slowly, the focus narrowed and my hand was sending her to places that were impossible to feel in any other situation. She exploded in a giant vocalization of release! She relished the orgasm and worked it for a long time. Finally, when she was ready for the proverbial cigarette, I said, “That was some kind of crazy day I had.”
And again, like a light switch, she was someone else, her old self. She started laughing and her laughter was building, like the reverse ramp up of the crying. Between her big smiley laugh, she said, “Wow, this power thing might just go to your head. You’re crazy!!” And in the bright mood, I unchained her neck and untied her hands. “That was really fucking uncomfortable!” she said while giggling. “You don’t have to be so mean!” Concerned, I quickly asked, “Are you serious?” “Haha. Just kidding. I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she reassured me. Then we fell into a great hug that felt like eating hot French bread. We kissed a little. I still can’t believe I would ever be kissing a girl! But it didn’t feel like that. It just felt like a part of me.
Regina looked pretty spent. I made her a smoothie and she seemed delighted, first that I made it for her, and second that it was so cold and refreshing after what she went through. She delicately asked if it would be ok for her to lie down for a bit. It was all so new and neither of us had an emotional road map.
So we both went up stairs to the bed. We cuddled in close. Within a couple minutes, she was fast asleep. And I was in her arms. What a feeling. I wasn’t able to sleep. I kept going over everything in my mind. What a blizzard of feelings in such a short time! It was like nothing I would ever believe or expect to be true. We hardly knew each other in the least. Yet we knew each other like old friends. After about 20 minutes of taking it all in, I carefully slipped out of her arms to go downstairs. Even asleep, she looked pure. She was still in her boots. I wish my eye were a camera. I would blow that shot up to a poster and hang it on my wall.
Downstairs, I drank a glass of wine and listened to some classic Jack Johnson in my earbuds. I floated around doing nothing. A couple hours went by and Regina was still sleeping. It made me feel so happy that she felt comfortable enough to take a nice nap in my bed… in my home. It felt very loving. I decided to make dinner. But since she would be waking up, I thought I should make breakfast for dinner. I always loved that growing up. So I made some Belgian waffles and a Greek omelet. Once the table was all set, I went up to wake her. I sat down softly beside her and said, “Sweetie, I made you some breakfast.” But before she answered, I surprised myself: Did I just call her “Sweetie?” This is crazy. I’m nuts! What about my filters and boundaries? What has happened to me?
She started stirring. “Breakfast?” she wondered aloud, “Is it morning? I gotta be at work!” And she started to hop up. But I quickly assured her it was still the same day, “just breakfast for dinner.” She laughed.
At dinner, she told me all about her past marriage – all about how it went down and how Tucker had to go through some really crappy stuff during the process. In the case of her marriage, it really was “War of the Roses,” you know… two people are wildly in love and then end up hating each other’s guts. And since war is hell, Tucker ended up getting some collateral damage from being on the sidelines. Regina tried so hard to always keep him out of it, but sometimes it would be impossible to protect him because she only had control over her half of the equation. One time, her X grumbled to Tucker, “Nice haircut your mom got for you. The kids are going to laugh at you at school.” Disgusting. That is the kind of stuff that Regina couldn’t shield Tucker from. You get enough of those things in a kid’s head, and it can start to cause real harm.
Even though they had split custody, Tucker always gravitated to Regina (WHO WOULDN’T?) and she said they have always enjoyed an honest and special relationship. And I must say, Tucker seems like a super great kid. He could always turn out to be a serial killer from repressed damage, but I feel that his mom is a great role model for how to be a positive energy in the world.
Regina had to deal with her husband Alex’s crazy threats and hassles for years. He has a substance problem. That was the root of the demise. Once he beat her and she called the cops. Tucker was there. It killed her inside. But she is doing everything she can to heal Tucker now. Because she is a teacher, she only has to work until 3pm everyday so she can pick him up from school. She tries really hard to always spend quality time with him. He’s gonna be ok. I can just tell. She never badmouths Alex in front of Tucker. She said Alex is the greatest dad and an all around good guy… until he starts drinking again. Then it’s a cycle of damage and rebuilding, then damage again. But he has been sober for a long time now, so things are calm.
After breakfast-for-dinner, Regina said she had to get back. Neither of us would dare suggest she spend the night. Not only did we both have work in the morning, but also I’m sure we both felt like things were moving fast enough already.
We needed to keep a deliberate, steady pace so as not to get ahead of ourselves with a big crash and burn. There I go again. I don’t know why I keep thinking the other shoe is going to drop. I should let the goodness flow. I should trust.
She was going to be with Tucker for the next three days. I wouldn’t see her again until yoga on Wednesday night. I walked her to her electric Vespa. The funny thing was when she was ready to leave for home, neither of us had an inclination to kiss. It would have been forced, not like the kind of kissing earlier in the day that was drawn magically from somewhere in the ether. But even though it was merely a hug goodbye, I could tell we both were clinging to the goodness of the day. We both wanted more. We both trusted in being connected. She joked as she sat on the motorcycle seat, “Ouch! You really did a number on my tush.” I joked back, “It wasn’t me. It was that mean Mistress of yours.” She laughed and drove off… very, very, quietly on her electric vegi-bike.
--- MONDAY MARCH 26 --- Back at work
I woke up and still smelled her on my pillow the next day. Usually on Mondays, I’m kind of blue. It seems everyone is like that. It’s a real thing. But today, I was different. I was more introspective. I was rerunning the whole weekend on a loop in my head. It was mind-numbing to think how fast things went. In a single weekend, I went from totally straight and into guys to a full-steam relationship with a girl. My intellect told me that the new relationship isn’t me. I’ve never been interested in women… ever. It must have been some emotionally drunken rebound from Boyfriend X. It was some kind of exploration or whatever. Everyone I have known my whole life has heard me go on about boys and sex with boys. I like boys. I’ve always liked boys. That was my intellect.
But my heart tells me something opposite. My heart tells me that Regina is it! Look no further. It’s a mind and heart tug-o-war. It’s the little angel and devil on my shoulders trying to pull me to their side. It’s really confusing. Regina, at dinner last night told me pretty much the same thing about herself. She would have never considered anything remotely close to what is going on with us. She said I was special somehow and drew her into my own personal gravity field.
But to fight with the devil for a second, there could also be a strong case that I have always been kinky my whole life and was sexually oriented toward dark sex. And dark sex doesn’t necessarily have to adhere to any one gender. So in that sense, being with Regina is not about changing my orientation. I’ve always oriented toward kink. I’ve always wanted and needed that. So I’m still the same person and fulfilling my same sexual fantasies
.
I wondered if Regina was having any sort of buyer’s remorse. Was this just a wild little tryst for her? Was it just something new and exciting to shake the stress and doldrums of single mommyhood and thankless work as a teacher? Was she seriously kinky? Are we really a fit? Maybe she just let her guard down for a moment. After reality sets in, maybe she’ll think I’m too dark. Maybe she’ll burn out on being my toy.
On the other hand, I’ve read a fair amount about S&M relationships. Some go on for a lifetime. Some people find joy in kink forever. I’m not saying this is true S&M. That whole scene has always seemed cliché to me. I’ve been to a few dungeon/dance clubs with Victoria. We went there for kicks to check it out. It always felt false to me. It felt like straight people in costumes. Well, or gay people in costumes too. It was always showy and cinematic. I didn’t believe that scene. Everyone wore the cliché black leather and studs. Boring. Fake. Then some dominatrix would be whipping some fat guy on a rack in the back of the room. The crowd would watch with their martinis and act like they really understood kink. Please. It actually pissed me off.
Kink isn’t a costume. It’s not an act. It’s not flogging some stranger. That’s all bullshit. I feel kink as the guiding rudder of my sexuality. It’s me. It’s not something you try at a club where you play with “danger” for show.
When I had Regina chained at the neck to that post, it touched my core. It ignited real passion in me that I have been shamed into keeping at bay for my whole life. So the only real question is, does Regina have the same wiring? Is it in her core? What if we start down this path and three months later, she turns vanilla on me and is repulsed by the idea of being my object. I would feel one inch tall.
All this doubt was swirling around my head. So I thought I’d better check it out with her. I texted her and arranged to call on her lunch break. When the time came, I called her from my car while driving to lunch. The conversation went like this.
REGINA
Meg!
ME
Are you ok?
REGINA
I don’t know. Are you?
ME
Are you feeling scared like me?
REGINA
Yeah. I’m kind of scared.
ME
Because you made a mistake or because you think it might end?
REGINA
I’m scared because I showed you my soul this weekend. I’m scared you will go away.
ME
That’s the same thing I’m afraid of.
REGINA
Do you think this is real?
ME
Do you?
REGINA
I want it to be real. I want to love you.
ME
Me too.
(Long pause)
ME
Ok. I think we’re good.
REGINA
Ok. Me too.
We both chuckled nervously for a moment.
ME
Can you believe how blue the sky is today?
REGINA
What!! I’m at work.
ME
Can you believe how blue the sky is today?
REGINA
(Whispering into the phone)
Yes it is, Mistress.
ME
You are my object. Do you understand me?
REGINA
(Super eager)
Yes, Mistress. Yes!
ME
I need you to masturbate in the bathroom.
Then email me and tell me that you did it.
REGINA
Yes, Mistress.
And I hung up on her. About 15 minutes later, she wrote me and said that she had done it and was profusely thanking me for the command. I wrote her back a single line email with no subject: “That was some kind of crazy day I had”
An hour later, some flowers appeared at my work. There was a note attached, “In spite of what the weather may be doing, I really appreciate our developing friendship. Fondly, Regina.”
This was particularly funny because I had sent her flowers about the same time and the school receptionist was probably signing for them at the same moment. My note wasn’t as poetic. It just said, “Regina, I’ve never shared my true heart like I have with you. Thanks for not judging me. You’re beautiful. – I’m yours, Meg.”
Of course, my whole office teased me about who was sending flowers. Pete, in particular, commented that I looked different. He made the intuitive observation that something major has shifted in my life. He knew it was a relationship. He said he’s never seen me like that, brooding, pensive, and daydreaming. And he was right. I’d never seen me like that either.
That evening I briefly called Regina to wish her goodnight and to tell her to enjoy loving Tucker. She was sweet and wished me well too.
I must say, immature as it is, I was a little jealous that Tucker got to be with her. I skipped dinner and went to bed, sleeping all the way until morning.
--- TUESDAY MARCH 27 --- No playing games
Tick Tock. Tick Tock. I have never felt time move so slowly. I felt like I was in stuck in a giant jar of molasses on a winter day. I really wanted to make it through the day without texting or calling Regina. I didn’t want to seem too needy or desperate. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet. I struggled to occupy myself with my job, trying everything to avoid calling. It was torture.
And of course, with each minute that went by, I had this running dialog with myself: “Maybe she misses me and is struggling hard not to call me too. Maybe she was getting angry with me that I wasn’t contacting her. Maybe she thought I was playing games with her to see who would call first. Or maybe, she was just going along in the trappings of her day and has me on the back burner of her mind.” But the way we connected told me that she wasn’t likely to play games.
Also, from the way she was crying during our little session (for lack of a better word), I’m sure she was thinking about me, touched by the sudden and extreme emotional changes.
Ding-a-ling! The caller I.D. on my office phone showed that Regina was calling. My emotions started racing. I quickly picked up:
ME
Hi Regina!
REGINA
Hi.
ME
I’m so glad you called. I was on the fence about calling you. I didn’t want to bug you or seem desperate.
REGINA
I had the exact same thoughts. I felt like calling but wanted to play it cool.
ME
Regina, let’s agree on one thing.
REGINA
Ok, what?
ME
Let’s agree that we will always keep our relationship healthy by not playing any games.
REGINA
You mean like calculating to call or not call?
ME
Right. We should just always operate out of honesty. If we feel like calling, we call. If we feel hurt, we say it. If we feel jealous or put off or slighted, we say it. I think that will help us stay on course with each other.
REGINA
Agreed. That’s how I normally operate anyway. But with something as delicate and precious as what we are developing, I might have tended to cover some feelings in hopes of not pushing you away. But you’re right. There is no place for that with us. The only games we can play are the games about the weather.
ME
(I chuckled)
Sounds good. Like right now… I don’t know if you said that… in hopes of getting me to talk about the sky… or if you just said it for fun.
REGINA
I was just joking. If I really want to talk about the sky with you, you will know it. You will see me yearn. You will be able to read me. You will see my eyes begging for your control. You will know when to talk about the sky.
ME
Great. So in the same spirit of honesty and not playing games, I will tell you that I am crazy in love with you. I know it doesn’t seem possible yet, but
this has never happened to me!
REGINA
I feel the same way.
I can’t wait until yoga to see you.
ME
I got an idea. I have to location scout tomorrow for a couple hours. I was going to go in the morning, but if you like, I can go at 4pm and take you and Tucker along.
REGINA
Really? You wouldn’t mind if Tucker came?
ME
Normally, it is super bad to have kids meet all the various dates that a girl has. You’re supposed to wait until something is more solid so that the child isn’t jerked along with a string of new faces and drama. But this feels different. Am I high?
REGINA
No. It feels solid. (Pause) Let’s just be friends in front of Tucker. He will love you. I’ll tell him you are my new friend.
ME
Ok. The location scouting should be fun for him. We have to check out six giant stylized warehouses for a commercial shoot. They are all vacant. He can bring some roller blades or a little bike and have a blast in the big spaces! There’s also one place that is on the 6th floor. We can throw paper airplanes off the overlook. I bet they will fly forever.
REGINA
It sounds like so much fun.
(Thoughtful pause)
I want to touch you.
ME
Me too. But that will have to wait. It will be more fun that way. Forbidden love!
REGINA
I wish I could see you right now!
ME
See you tomorrow at 4. I’ll pick you up.
Then there was a long pause as neither of us wanted the call to end. Finally, I hear a gentle kiss sound come over the phone. Then it hung up. It was only an audio kiss, but it may as well have been a full, physical kiss on the lips. The way she delivered it, it was. I could feel it like she was right in front of me. I could taste it. I could feel her breath in the kiss.
Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman Page 5