—Charles Schulz
31% of men say they look at other women when they’re with their significant others. 62% of women say their significant others do.
WEIRD CANADA
Canada: land of beautiful mountains, clear lakes, bustling cities…and some really weird news reports. Here are some of the oddest entries from the BRI newsfile.
SNOW DAY
In January 2002, a 30-year-old Ontario man named Nona Thusky was charged with public drunkenness and violation of probation. He was kept in custody awaiting sentencing on a previous conviction for assaulting a police officer when, two weeks later, he was suddenly released. Why? Because it snowed.
Mr. Thusky is a member of the Algonquin tribe from the Barriere Lake reservation, and he’s the only community member who knows how to operate the snowplow. After a severe February snowstorm, judge Jean-Francois Gosselin decreed that “community service”—i.e., clearing snow from the streets—made more sense than jail time.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE A HOCKEY TEAM
Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman found himself in a storm of criticism in January 2002. He had staged a photo session shaking hands with and receiving a T-shirt from a member of the Hell’s Angels. Members of the notorious motorcycle gang had been involved in a vicious six-year drug war with rival gangs in Quebec in which more than 150 people were killed. Police organizations, city officials, and citizens blasted the mayor for the move, calling it grossly insensitive. Mayor Lastman threw the T-shirt away and apologized, saying he didn’t know that the Hell’s Angels…dealt drugs. Afterwards, the gang demanded an apology from the mayor—for throwing away the present they gave him.
BEYOND THE CALL OF DOOTY
In 1943, 17-year-old Hugh Trainor enlisted in the army and passed a preliminary test in his hometown on Prince Edward Island. He then traveled by ferry to an army barracks in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Once there, he failed his medical test and never officially became a member of the armed forces. But Trainor claimed that his time on the ferry—about a 10-mile ride—qualified as “war service,” because German submarines had previously attacked ships in Canadian waters. In 2002 the Federal Court of Canada ruled that 75-year-old Trainor was entitled to veteran’s benefits for his service and awarded him $1,000 a month for the rest of his life.
…significant others. 62% of women say their significant others do.
THE PLOP THICKENS
The state provincial fair in Calgary, Alberta, offered a new thrill to attendees in 2002: Cow Patty Bingo. They divided a field up into squares, painted numbers on them, and let people bet on the numbers. Then they let the cows into the field. The person whose square got the first “lucky patty” won a prize. Organizers denied claims that the cows had been given laxatives to speed the game up.
HOOT OFF THE PRESS
WANTED
“Salespeople needed. If you are now employed but wish to improve your position, or in a dead-end job, call now for opportunity in cemetary sales.”
—Toronto Star
“Career opportunity for a firefighter position: ‘We offer a smoke-free work environment.’”
—Calgary Herald
ANNOUNCEMENTS
“All residents will now be collected on Thursday.”
—Ontario waste-systems company notice
“At a meeting of the cemetary commission, the burial rates were increased slightly to reflect the higher cost of living.”
—Nova Scotia church bulletin
CLASSIFIEDS
“Visitors are needed for a man having trouble with blindness and a German-speaking woman.”
—The Ottawa Citizen
“Lots of stuff! All ex-hubby’s remains.”
—South Delta Today, B.C.
“Wedding gown worn once by mistake. Size 9–10. Asking $20.”
—Oshawa Times
NEWS FLASH
“A third grain-elevator fire in east-central Alberta has investigators wondering if there’s a cereal arsonist at work.”
—Calgary Herald
Canada has more doughnut shops per capita than any other country.
INTERNATIONAL ELVIS
Decades after his death, Elvis is more popular than ever. He sells more records, generates more revenue, and has more fans worldwide than he did when he was alive. If you need proof, look to these Elvis impersonators.
LATINO ELVIS (Robert Lopez, a.k.a. “El Vez,” Mexico)
Claim to Fame: First Mexican Elvis to think he was the second Mexican Elvis
Taking Care of Business: Lopez, who is famous all over Mexico and has appeared on MTV and The Tonight Show, grew up absolutely convinced that Elvis Presley was Mexican. “When I was a kid in the ’60s, I had uncles with continental slacks and pompadours in that Elvis style,” he says. “I thought Elvis looked like my uncles.”
Lopez got a rude awakening when he realized that the King wasn’t in Mexico even when he was supposed to be: “The first movie I ever saw him in was Fun in Acapulco. I found out later that it wasn’t even filmed in Mexico, but on a sound stage.” No matter—El Vez is still dedicated to emulating the King. “I don't think that you can do this unless you love and admire Elvis,” he says. “This isn’t just some fat-man-on-pills parody.”
REFUSNIK ELVIS (Vassil Angelov, Bulgaria)
Claim to Fame: Put his life on the line by impersonating the King
Taking Care of Business: When he was a young man in the 1960s, Angelov had to hide his admiration of Elvis because sideburns and rock music were illegal in communist Bulgaria. But the communist era ended in 1990 and today Angelov runs Bulgaria’s only Elvis fan club and openly tours the country imitating his idol. Someday he hopes to travel the world. “I want to look for people and places,” he says, “where I can show off my God-given talent.”
TOKYO ELVIS (Mori Yasumasa, Japan)
Claim to Fame: Became the first non-American to win an Elvis impersonator contest in Memphis, Tennessee, the Elvis capital of the world
It’s worth it: After a three-week vacation, your IQ can drop by as much as 20%.
Taking Care of Business: Yasumasa didn’t even hear his first Elvis song until he was 18, but quickly made up for lost time. It wasn’t long before he had perfected an Elvis imitation and was performing on U.S. Army bases all over Japan. In 1992 he made the trip of a lifetime when he traveled to Memphis, entered the International Elvis Impersonator Contest…and won. The victory has only deepened his appreciation of the King. “Although he didn’t compose or write his songs and leave any deep messages, I believe that he himself is the message,” Yasumasa says. “He was using his own body and soul to convey the message of freedom to the world. This to me is really incredible.”
KIWI ELVIS (Brian Childs, New Zealand)
Claim to Fame: He’s living the life of Elvis…in reverse
Taking Care of Business: Elvis was a singer who collected police badges and always wanted to be in law enforcement—and Brian Childs was a New Zealand police constable who always wanted to be the King. He started out impersonating Elvis in his spare time, but his chief didn’t like it and in January 2002, told him he’d have to quit his hobby. Constable Childs quit his job instead. Today he is the reigning champion Elvis Presley impersonator in neighboring Australia and is considering suing the force for wrongful dismissal.
FILIPINO ELVIS (Rene Escharcha, a.k.a. “Renelvis”, Philippines)
Claim to Fame: He takes care of business—by telephone
Taking Care of Business: It’s not easy to stand out from the crowd when you’re an Elvis impersonator—even if you’re a Filipino Elvis living in North Carolina. One of the ways Escharcha makes his mark is by whipping out his long-distance phone card in the middle of a performance and calling his cousin in the Philippines (also an Elvis impersonator) so that they can belt out Elvis tunes together, a cappella, over a speakerphone. Escharcha also keeps the King’s legacy fresh by writing his own songs. In “Elvis on Terrorism,” Escharcha sings, “I wonder if Elvis were here today, what would he do? I can ass
ure you, he would do something.”
Why is he so dedicated to being the King? “If you want to be somebody, you have to work at it,” Renelvis explains.
43% of single American men say they didn’t go on a date in 2001.
FAMILIAR PHRASES
Here are more origins of some common phrases.
BASKET CASE
Meaning: An overly anxious or stressed person who can’t function normally (yup, that’s Uncle John)
Origin: “First appeared as a slang term in WWI meaning ‘a quadruple amputee.’ Soldiers who had lost all their limbs actually were carried in baskets, because if they were carried on stretchers, they’d be too likely to fall out.” (From Jesse’s Word of the Day, by Jesse Sheidlower)
HANG IN THERE
Meaning: To refuse to give up; to stick with it
Origin: “This hails from the world of boxing, where managers exhort exhausted fighters to clinch their opponents, or hang on to the ropes, to finish a round or a bout. In recent years the expression has come to be used as common parting words to someone in trouble since everyone in this life is usually up against the ropes in one way or another.” (From Grand Slams, Hat Tricks, and Alleyoops, by Robert Hendrickson)
TO SHOW YOUR TRUE COLORS
Meaning: To be yourself
Origin: “To sail under false colors was to disguise a pirate ship by flying the flag of a friendly nation. Camouflaged in this way, pirates could usually sail fairly close to the ship he wanted to attack without raising an alarm. When the moment was right, he’d show his true colors by raising his own flag.” (From Scuttlebutt…& Other Expressions of Nautical Origin, by Teri Degler)
TO HAVE SOMEONE OVER A BARREL
Meaning: To have the upper hand
Origin: “In the days before mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, lifeguards placed drowning victims over a barrel, which was rolled back and forth while the lifeguard tried to revive them. The person ‘over the barrel’ is in the other person’s power or at his mercy.” (From The Facts on File Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, by Robert Hendrickson)
The call of the koala bear sounds like a handsaw cutting wood.
ROLLING OVER IN ONE’S GRAVE
Meaning: The action of a dead person, as if appalled by something that has happened or been proposed
Origin: “The first-known reference to this phrase is in Mark Twain’s 1894 novel, The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson. Twain says: ‘You has disgraced yo’ birth. What would yo’ pa think o’ you? It’s enough to make him turn in his grave.’” (From The Phrase That Launched 1,000 Ships, by Nigel Rees)
SKID ROW
Meaning: A run-down part of town
Origin: “Seattle swells with pride in the well-documented knowledge that skid row had its origins there. In the mid-19th century a logging road along which logs were skidded led from the forest to Yesler’s Mill. The Skid Road became a road populated by lumber-jacks, sailors, prostitutes, and panhandlers. It soon became known as Skid Row, but today is always spelled with small letters.” (From Cassell Everyday Phrases, by Neil Ewart)
TO THROW IN THE TOWEL
Meaning: To give up
Origin: “From the 17th-century expression, throw in the sponge, which was the practice of throwing up the sponge used to cleanse a boxer’s face at a prize-fight, a signal that the fighter had had enough—that the sponge is no longer required. In today’s pugilistic encounters one is more likely to hear that the manager of one contestant throws in a towel, rather than a sponge, but the original occasion for the expression still stands.” (From Heavens to Betsy!, by Charles Earle Funk)
“Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”
—Emo Phillips
Monkeys given paints and paper on which to draw will scream in anger when an unfinished work is taken from them. But they don’t object to having a finished painting taken.
WEIRD SENTENCES
These sentences may have made sense at the time they were handed down…but we doubt it.
• Leah Marie Fairbanks of Duluth, Minnesota, pleaded guilty to first-degree assault charges and was sentenced to 14 months probation…plus she had to read seven classic novels and the Declaration of Independence and then write reports on each one.
• Anna Mae Leach of Castle Shannon, Pennsylvania, was jailed for a week for not returning three videotapes. (The charges turned out to be false.)
• Gloria Cisternas of Santiago, Chile, was sentenced to seven days in jail for failing to pay a $63 (U.S.) fine. She had been fined for failing to keep her lawn green.
• USA Today reported that Utah’s Tom Green had been convicted for polygamy and criminal nonsupport. Sentence: “0–5 years in prison.”
• Tony and Angelica Flores spent a night in jail after failing to appear for their court date. Criminal charges had been filed against them in Peoria, Arizona, for keeping their Christmas lights up too long.
• In Louisville, Kentucky, Luther Crawford, father of 12 kids by 11 different women, was $33,000 behind on child support payments. He avoided going to prison by accepting the judge’s offer that he refrain from sex until he has paid up.
• A wealthy Finnish man was fined $103,000—for a speeding ticket. In Finland, traffic fines are levied in proportion to the driver’s income.
• Four Swedish teenagers were convicted of high treason for their plot against King Carl Gustaf. Their plot: to throw a strawberry cream pie at him.
…work is taken from them. But they don’t object to having a finished painting taken.
POLITALKS
Politicians aren’t getting much respect these days—but then, it sounds like they don’t deserve much, either.
“Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.”
—Alf Landon (R-KS)
“We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.”
—Richard J. Daley (D), mayor of Chicago
“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism.”
—George H. W. Bush
“This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.”
—Gov. Pat Brown (D-CA), discussing a flood
“Mr. Nixon was the thirty-seventh president of the United States. He had been preceded by thirty-six others.”
—Gerald Ford
“If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had ten apostles.”
—Jesse Helms (R-NC)
“This legislation has far-reaching ramifistations.”
—Gib Lewis (D-TX)
“I didn’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.”
—Nancy Reagan, asked a political question during a “Just Say No” rally
“I am not a chauvinist, obviously.…I believe in women’s rights for every woman but my own.”
—Harold Washington (D), mayor of Chicago, 1984–87
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’ But, of course, those who died—their lives will never be the same again.”
—Barbara Boxer (D-CA)
“The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.”
—Gov. Ronald Reagan, (R-CA), responding to student protests on college campuses
“Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for the goddamned people.”
—Richard Nixon
Southclaw: Most parrots are left-handed.
THE KING OF COTTON
When you hear the name Eli Whitney, you probably think of his invention, the cotton gin. But you may not realize how profoundly it (and his other inventions) changed the world. Here’s the history they never taught you in school.
LOOKING FOR WORK
In 1792 a 27-year-old Massachusetts Yankee named Eli Whitney graduated from Yale University and landed a tutoring job in South Carolina. He was glad to get it—he needed the money to pay off his school debts. But wh
en he arrived there he discovered that the job paid half of what he’d been promised, which meant he’d never be able to save any money. He turned the job down.
Suddenly he was jobless, penniless, and stranded in the South, hundreds of miles from home. But he’d made the trip from New York with a friend named Phineas Miller, who was escorting his employer, a widow named Mrs. Greene, back to Georgia. When Greene invited Whitney to spend a week at her plantation outside of Savannah, he gladly accepted. He had no place else to go.
Whitney repaid Mrs. Greene’s generosity by designing an embroidery frame for her. Greene was impressed by the cleverness of the design, and it got her thinking. If Whitney was this clever, maybe he could solve a problem that plagued her and other planters—how to “gin,” or remove the seeds from, cotton…without doing it by hand.
Upland cotton, the only kind that grew in the interior regions of the South, had seeds that were “covered with a kind of green coat resembling velvet,” as Whitney put it. These fuzzy seeds stuck to the cotton fibers like Velcro. Removing them by hand required so much labor—one person could clean only about a pound of cotton per day—that upland cotton was essentially worthless.
MASS PRODUCTION
If a way could be found to remove the seeds more easily, upland cotton had the potential to become a very valuable export crop. Why? The Industrial Revolution had transformed the English textlie industry (which turned the cotton into thread and the thread into cloth) into a monster and caused demand for cotton to soar.
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