Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  There was just one problem: inventing a video game cartridge system from scratch and manufacturing it in great enough volume to beat out his competitors was going to cost a fortune. The only way that he could come up with the money was by selling Atari to Warner Communications (today part of AOL Time Warner) for $28 million in 1976. Bushnell stayed on as Atari’s chairman and continued to work on the cartridge system.

  Each year in the U.S., 30,000 dog bites are serious enough to require medical attention.

  Introduced in mid-1977, the Atari Video Computer System (VCS)—later renamed the Atari 2600—struggled for more than a year. Atari’s competitors didn’t do much better, and for a while it seemed that the entire video game industry might be on its last legs—the victim of the public’s burnout from playing too much Pong.

  ALIEN RESURRECTION

  Then in early 1979, Atari executives hit on the idea of licensing Space Invaders, an arcade game manufactured by Taito, a Japanese company. The game was so popular in Japan that it actually caused a coin shortage, forcing the national mint to triple its output of 100-yen coins.

  Just as it had in Japan, Space Invaders became the most popular arcade game in the United States, and the most popular Atari game cartridge. Atari followed up with other blockbuster cartridges like Defender, Missile Command, and Asteroids; by 1980 it commanded a 75% share of the burgeoning home video game market. Thanks in large part to soaring sales of the VCS system, Atari’s annual sales grew from $75 million in 1977 to more than $2 billion in 1980, making Atari the fastest growing company in U.S. history. But it wouldn’t stay that way for long.

  THE BEGINNING OF THE END

  Within months of bringing the VCS to market, Bushnell was already pushing Warner to begin work on a next-generation successor to the system, but Warner rejected the idea out of hand. They had invested more than $100 million in the VCS and weren’t about to turn around and build a new product to compete with it. Warner’s determination to rest on their laurels was one of the things that led to Bushnell’s break with the company.

  By the time Space Invaders revived the fortunes of the VCS, Nolan Bushnell was no longer part of the company. Warner Communications had forced him out following a power struggle in November 1978.

  The Three Stooges appeared in more movies than any other comedy team in U.S. film history.

  If Bushnell had been the only person to leave the company, Atari’s problems probably wouldn’t have gotten so bad. But he wasn’t—Warner also managed to alienate nearly all of Atari’s best programmers. While Atari made millions of dollars, Warner paid the programmers less than $30,000 a year, didn’t share the profits the games generated, and wouldn’t even allow them to see sales figures.

  The programmers didn’t receive any public credit for their work, either. Outside of the company, few people even knew who had designed classic games like Asteroids and Missile Command; Warner was afraid that if it made the names public, the programmers would be hired away by other video game companies.

  BREAKOUT

  So Atari’s top programmers quit and formed their own video game company, called Activision, then turned around and began selling VCS-compatible games that competed directly against Atari’s own titles.

  Activision dealt a huge blow to Atari, and not just because Activision’s games were better. Atari’s entire marketing strategy was based around pricing the VCS console as cheaply as possible—$199—then reaping huge profits from sales of its high-priced game cartridges. Now the best games were being made by Activision.

  Atari sued Activision several times to try to block it from making games for the VCS but lost every time, and Activision kept cranking out hit after hit. By 1982 Activision was selling $150 million worth of cartridges a year and had replaced Atari as the fastest growing company in the United States.

  THE ATARI GLUT

  Activision’s spectacular success encouraged other Atari programmers to defect and form their own video game companies, and it also prompted dozens of other companies—even Quaker Oats—to begin making games for the VCS.

  Many of these games were terrible, and most of the companies that made them soon went out business. But that only made things worse for Atari, because when the bad companies went out of business, their game cartridges were dumped on the market for as little as $9.99 apiece. If people wanted good games, they bought them from Activision. If they wanted cheap games, they pulled them out of the discount bin. Not many people bought Atari’s games, and when the cheap games proved disappointing, consumers blamed Atari.

  Partly foggy? The first TV weather chart was broadcast in Britain on November 11, 1936.

  Meanwhile, just as Bushnell had feared, over the next few years, new game systems like Mattel’s Intellivision and Coleco’s ColecoVision came on the market and began chiseling away at Atari’s market share. With state-of-the-art hardware and computer chips, these game systems had higher-resolution graphics and offered animation and sound that were nearly as good as arcade video games…and vastly superior to the VCS. Adding insult to injury, both ColecoVision and Intellivision offered adapters that would let buyers play the entire library of VCS games, which meant that if consumers wanted to jump ship to Atari’s competitors, they could take their old games with them.

  EATEN BY PAC-MAN

  But what really finished Atari off was Pac-Man. In April 1982, Atari released the home version of Pac-Man in what was probably the most anticipated video game release in history. At the time, there were about 10 million VCS systems on the market, but Atari manufactured 12 million cartridges, assuming that new consumers would buy the VCS just to play Pac-Man.

  Big mistake—Atari’s Pac-Man didn’t live up to its hype. It was a flickering piece of junk that didn’t look or sound anything like the arcade version. It wasn’t worth the wait. Atari ended up selling only 7 million cartridges, and many of these were returned by outraged customers demanding refunds.

  ATARI PHONE HOME

  Then Atari followed its big bomb with an even bigger bomb: E.T., The Extra-Terrestrial. Atari guaranteed Steven Spielberg a $25 million royalty for the game, then rushed it out in only six weeks so that it would be in stores in time for Christmas (video games typically took at least six months to develop). Then they manufatured five million cartridges without knowing if consumers would take any interest in the game.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep with a goat?

  They didn’t. The slap-dash E.T. was probably the worst product Atari had ever made, worse even than Pac-Man. Nearly all of the cartridges were returned by consumers and retailers. Atari ended up dumping millions of Pac-Man and E.T. game cartridges in a New Mexico landfill and then having them crushed with steamrollers and buried under tons of cement.

  TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

  That same year Atari finally got around to doing what Nolan Bushnell had wanted to do since 1978: they released a new game system, the Atari 5200.

  But in the face of stiff competition from ColecoVision, which came out with Donkey Kong (the 5200 didn’t) and had better graphics and animation, it bombed. Staggering from the failures of Pac-Man, E.T., and the 5200, Atari went on to lose more than $536 million in 1983.

  THE LAST BIG MISTAKE

  In 1983 Atari had what in retrospect might have been a chance to revive its sagging fortunes…but it blew that opportunity, too. Nintendo, creators of Donkey Kong, decided to bring its popular Famicom (short for Family Computer) game system to the United States. The Famicom was Nintendo’s first attempt to enter the American home video game market, and rather than go it alone, the company wanted help. It offered Atari a license not just to sell the Famicom in every country of the world except Nintendo’s home market of Japan, but also to sell it under the Atari brand name. Consumers would never even know that the game was a Nintendo. In return, Nintendo would receive a royalty for each unit sold and would have unrestricted rights to create games for the system.

  Atari and Nintendo negotiated for three days, but nothing ev
er came of it. Nintendo decided to go it alone—and it was a good choice.

  Free replay. Turn to page 499 for more video game history: “Let’s Play Nintendo!”

  “When things go wrong…don’t go with them.” —Anonymous

  A: A geep or a shoat. (We’re not kidding.)

  THE GRANNY QUIZ

  Put on your knitted thinking caps for this quiz about some unusual old ladies. (Answers on page 516.)

  1. In 2002, 89-year-old Sylvia Mandell of Naples, Florida, spent a night in…

  a) A sewage canal under New York City

  b) Jail for punching a cop

  c) An Anheuser-Busch brewery restroom

  d) A coma after an Ex-lax overdose

  2. What did 88-year-old Viola Meckel of Texas, win in 2001?

  a) A death penalty reprieve

  b) The lottery

  c) A deer-hunting contest

  d) A date with Clint Eastwood

  3. In 2002, 94-year-old Ruby Barber of Duston, England, was ordered by police to take down what from outside her home?

  a) Razor wire

  b) Naked statues of the Royal Family

  c) A billboard advertising her “vital statistics”

  d) Her Christmas lights

  4. In 2001 Amy Hulmes of Manchester, England, passed away at 114. To what did she attribute her long life?

  a) Four beers a day

  b) Four decades without a husband

  c) Four cigars a week

  d) Four decades as a vegetarian

  5. At Miami International Airport in 2002, 81-year-old, wheelchair-bound Stella Michetti was…

  a) Refused entry to the U.S. for allegedly being a mafia matriarch

  b) Found with 10,000 Ecstasy tablets in her suitcase

  c) Dragged 20 feet by a luggage rack that caught her coat.

  d) Arrested for indecent exposure in a men’s room

  Average age of a first-time U.S. bride in 1970: 20.8 years. In 2000: 25.1.

  ELVIS BY THE NUMBERS

  We’re not superstitious at the BRI, but we always try to include at least one Elvis page. Last year we forgot…and we were all shook up. We hope this makes up for it.

  TWELVE VITAL STATISTICS

  1. Driver’s license number (Tennessee): 2571459

  2. Waistline, 1950s: 32 inches

  3. Waistline, 1970s: 44 inches

  4. Blood type: O

  5. Shoe size: 11D (he wore size-12 combat boots)

  6. Social Security Number: 409-52-2002

  7. Draft number: 53310761

  8. Checking account number: 011-143875

  9. Length of his wedding to Priscilla Beaulieu: eight minutes

  10. Phone number (Memphis): 397-4427

  11. Phone number (Beverly Hills): 278-3496

  12. Phone number (Palm Springs): 325-3241

  NICKNAMES OF SIX GIRLFRIENDS AND MISTRESSES

  1. Ann-Margret: “Bunny,” “Thumper,” “Scoobie”

  2. Malessa Blackwood: “Brown Eyes”

  3. Margrit Buergin: “Little Puppy”

  4. Dolores Hart: “Whistle Britches”

  5. Ursula Andress: “Alan”

  6. Ginger Alden: “Gingerbread,” “Chicken Neck”

  FIVE CODE NAMES FOR THE “MEMPHIS MAFIA” (ELVIS’ HANGERS-ON)

  1. James Caughley: “Hamburger”

  2. Joe Esposito: “Diamond Joe”

  3. Lamar Fike: “Bull”

  4. Marvin Gamble: “Gee Gee”

  5. Charlie Hodge: “Slewfoot,” “Waterhead”

  Fore! 18% of all money spent on sporting goods in the U.S. is used to buy golf equipment.

  FIVE ADVANTAGES TO BEING IN THE “MEMPHIS MAFIA”

  1. Salary of $250 a week (1950s) to $425 a week (1960s)

  2. Cadillacs, jewelery, women, and down payments on homes given as gifts

  3. Free lodging (mobile homes on the grounds of Graceland)

  4. Gold TCB (“Taking Care of Business”) necklaces and .38-caliber pistols provided free of charge

  5. Elvis never leaves Graceland without you

  SIX DRAWBACKS TO BEING IN THE MEMPHIS MAFIA

  1. Elvis never leaves Graceland without you.

  2. On call 24 hours a day

  3. No paid vacations

  4. No pensions

  5. No matter how stupid or dangerous the request that Elvis makes of you, if you don’t fulfill it, you’re out of a job.

  6. Outsiders disparage you as Elvis’ “fart catchers.”

  ELVIS’ FAVORITE BIBLE PASSAGE

  Matthew 19:24, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (The passage haunted Elvis toward the end of his life.)

  THREE TIPS FROM ELVIS FOR STAYING HEALTHY

  1. “I eat a lot of Jell-O. Fruit Jell-O.”

  2. “The only exercise I get is on the stage. If I didn’t get that, I’d get a little round around the tummy, as much as I eat.”

  3. “I have never tasted alcohol.”

  SIX WOMEN WHO CLAIM TO BE ELVIS’ WIFE, DAUGHTER, OR THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN

  1. Lucy deBarbin: Claims Elvis fathered her daughter Desiree on August 23, 1958.

  2. Ann Farrell: Claims she married the King in Alabama in 1957, after refusing to sleep with him “unless they were man and wife.”

  3. Candy Jo Fuller: Claims to be Elvis’ daughter after he had an affair with her mother in the 1950s. Claims Elvis paid child support for many years.

  4. Zelda Harris: Claims the King married her in Alabama in 1960, “after just one date.”

  5. Barbara Jean Lewis: Claims she and Elvis dated for a year in the mid-1950s and that she gave birth to Elvis’ daughter, Deborah Delaine Presley, in 1955. (In 1988 Deborah sued the Presley estate demanding her “fair share.” She lost.)

  6. Billie Joe Newton: Claims Elvis married her and fathered three children by her, the first when she was only nine years old. Claims Elvis divorced her in 1956 “because Colonel Tom Parker demanded it.”

  Note: None of these women have any proof to back up their claims. Most claim that the documentation—marriage certificates, birth certificates, divorce papers, etc.—has been lost or destroyed.

  23% of the Earth’s land mass is buried under snow at least part of the year.

  SIX FORGOTTEN MOMENTS IN ELVIS HISTORY

  1. December 30, 1970: Tours FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C.; sought and obtained permits to carry firearms in every state.

  2. July, 1971: Spends $55,000 on a stretch limousine that matched the one he saw in the movie Shaft.

  3. January 2, 1972: Buys a $10,000 robe inscribed “The People’s Champion” and gives it to Muhammad Ali.

  4. March 31, 1973: Ali wears the robe that Elvis gave him for his fight against Ken Norton. Ali loses the fight.

  5. September 1, 1975: Elvis is sworn in as deputy sheriff (honorary) of Shelby County, Tennessee.

  6. December 18, 1975: Elvis spends the day obsessing over (1) the supernatural, (2) the occult, (3) his weight, (4) his fear of becoming impotent. Loved ones describe him as “a physical and mental wreck.”

  “Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.”

  Elvis Presley

  Three states with the highest per-capita credit card debt: Alaska, Vermont, South Dakota.

  NO CAN(ADA) DO

  Many of our Canadian readers have sent us items about life in the Great White North…including some strange Canadian laws. Here are a few examples.

  In Canada, it’s illegal to jump from a flying airplane without a parachute.

  In Nova Scotia, you’re not allowed to water the lawn when it is raining.

  In Toronto, it’s illegal to drag a dead horse along Yonge Street on Sunday.

  A maritime law in Canada specifies that two vessels cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

  In Quebec, margarine must be a different color from butter.

  The city of Guelph, Ontario, is classified as a “no-pee zone.”


  In Montreal, you may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.

  It’s illegal to ride a Toronto streetcar on Sunday if you’ve been eating garlic.

  In Alberta, wooden logs may not be painted.

  It is illegal to kill a Sasquatch in British Columbia.

  An Etobicoke, Ontario, bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.

  In Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, you can only buy liquor with a doctor’s prescription.

  Burnaby, BC, has a 10 p.m. curfew—for dogs.

  An anti-noise ordinance in Ottawa makes it illegal for bees to buzz.

  Pedestrians on Toronto sidewalks must give a hand signal before turning.

  In Vancouver, BC, it’s illegal to ride a tricycle over 10 mph.

  It is illegal to sell antifreeze to Indians in Quebec.

  Tightrope walking over the main streets of Halifax is prohibited. (Side streets are okay.)

  40% of the world’s newspapers are printed on paper that comes from Canadian forests.

  THE WORLD’S FIRST DISPOSABLE DIAPER

  With everything we’ve sent through the pipeline in 15 years of Bathroom Readers, it’s amazing that we’ve never gotten around to telling the story of the disposable diaper. Here it is at last.

  NOT AGAIN

  One afternoon in the late 1940s, a young mother named Marion Donovan changed her daughter’s cloth diaper… only to see the baby wet the new diaper, her clothes, and her crib bedding all over again just a few minutes later. Traditional cloth diapers weren’t like modern disposable diapers—the wetness and goo immediately soaked through, soiling everything the baby came in contact with. Rubber baby pants could be used to hold in the moisture, but they caused terrible diaper rash because they didn’t allow the baby’s skin to breathe.