I Don't Belong to You

by Samantha Restrew

  Very well! She wants to comfort me at any price. As I had expected, tonight I’ll celebrate my success in the arms of my beautiful policewoman. Not only this...I managed to kill those two assholes without anyone being able to impute anything to me. This time, there’s no denying that, I won the war on all the fronts.

  THIRD PART

  CHAPTER 33

  MATTHEW

  I’m falling down, dragged by a white mountain of snow and stones. What did I think to do? Did I really believe to be the winner in this mad adventure? Just a great idea! I escaped from prison, involving an innocent in my escape, to die here in this frozen abyss. Yes. By now I know that this is my destiny. I perceive it because of the intense cold that has taken hold of my numb membranes and because of the dull pain to the leg. As I fall down, I can see the blood red like a summer poppy, that is blending with the snow, leaving purple trails along with the descent.

  It seems to me that I’m falling infinitely, but at a certain point everything comes to an end and above me there is only an indestructible wall of white snow. I try to move my eyelid to get rid of the annoying feeling of frost on the eyes, in vain. Even they are trapped under the snow.

  So I try to breathe deeply, at least until I can do it. Although my destiny has been sealed, I decided that I’m going to do all I can to defeat death. That’s why I commit myself for some minutes not to give up, but within a short time I realize that I’m going to lose this battle anyway. So, as the pain intensifies, as the strength fade, I see it. That tender and audacious look at the same time, those passionate eyes that have torn my soul many years ago. Tracy... It must be her... How did she find me? She must have ridden a cloud to fly up here to save me. The love that united us is like a thread that still bind us. What am I thinking about? Does I really believe in something like that? I’m beginning to have hallucinations. No, I can’t lose my mind beyond life. But those eyes... I know them so well... Why are they already transforming into another equally beautiful, equally intense look? Now that I don’t have much to live, I can admit why I noticed her. Her eyes were so sincere, filled with enchantment. And I’ve read in her eyes the same innocent passion that I had read years before in Tracy’s. Like my first love, she gave me herself and I paid her back in the worst way possible. To get rid of prison and to solve my problems, I transformed her in the perfect accomplice. I convinced her by saying that nothing bad would have happened and that she would have come out of this in an honorable way. Now that I’m about to die, I understand that I just played her. I’m a coward, an unworthy person. What if something happened to her? What if she died under the avalanche? I could never forgive me. Good God, I’m just asking this. Take my life, but save that of Khyla’s.

  KHYLA

  I’m trying to open my eyes, but a frosted sheet covers my face. I’m submerged by snow all over: arms, legs, it’s even in my nostrils. I sneeze hard to push it away and to calm down the tremendous itching that it causes.

  How long am I here? Just a few seconds, minutes or hours? I don’t know, I totally lose my sense of time. My last memory is the scene of Fred moving the gun aside and then shooting at a point far away. I thought it was a way to justify himself with his colleagues and let us go, instead it was a well calculated plan. I should had imagine that one like him never changes. Shit he was and shit he is. He provoked the snow slide that submerged and dragged us down the precipice. I don’t even know how could I be alive this time, too.

  Maybe Matthew was right. While we were falling he kept shouting to swim so as he did moving the arms with his last strength. At the moment I thought that the lost of blood provoked him some kind of madness, but I obeyed anyway and now I’m still alive. This stratagem allowed me not to sink into the fresh snow. If I didn’t do it, a thick layer of snow would have covered me, freezing me instantly. Instead I think I’m surmounted only by a thin layer.

  Now that I’m thinking of it, what about Matthew? It’s not easy to get out from this white prison, but I have to move on right away. If the snow slide didn’t kill him, he will soon die from blood loss.

  I force myself to be strong and try to stand up. As I thought, the layer of snow above me was thin. I get up still wobbly because of the intense cold and look around disoriented. What can I do to help my Matthew? He could be everywhere. The snow slide dragged also stones and vegetation. What if he is under a tree?

  I’m feeling so powerless... The most obvious thing would be to call for rescue, but I’ve lost my phone because of the unexpected flight, and even if I could write a huge SOS with some twigs, I don’t think that they could see it from an helicopter in these weather conditions. Without forgetting that, if they could find us, Matthew, after the healing, would end up in jail for the rest of his days, and perhaps me too.

  No, I have to do it by myself. I sigh and walk on the pile of snow to see if I find a clue of Matthew’s presence. I would like to shout out his name, but if the echo would reach Fred he would understand that we are still alive and would come to finish the mission he was unable to complete because of a miracle.

  It’s not easy to see anything, with this snow coming down so thick dense, but as I’m about to desperate, I see it: an arm out of the snow.

  I run as fast as I can and start digging with bare hands.

  «Matthew, Matthew» I continue to call without a break, but nobody answers.

  “My God, tell me that it’s not too late, tell me that he is still alive...” I continue to pray, for the necessary courage to continue digging and hoping.

  I dig without stopping and finally I can see his beautiful face.

  «Matthew, speak to me, please» I say gently shaking him. He can’t be dead. Absolutely not. He owes me to live because of everything he did, making me sick. Everything was ok, I was living from my job, I was enjoying friendship with Mary and some fucking with Peter. Then he decided to take possession of my heart and my body and, all at ones, he crumbled all my certainty. Even if my desperation is a nonsense, I continue to caress his face trying to wake him up. I love him despite everything. He never gave pure unconditioned love, never let me feel like unique, yet it’s the first time in my life that a man took my heart and my soul all at ones.

  «Maybe you’re a bastard son of a bitch, but you’re not allowed to die. Do know it!» I say angrily, as the caresses are rapidly transforming in slaps.

  «Thank you for all this compliments...»

  Who’s speaking? I look and see that Matthew opened his eyes.

  «So you’re alive!» I exclaim relieved.

  «Not for long, if you don’t get me out of here right now. I remind you that I’ve a bullet stuck in my thig.»

  «Yes, excuse me» I answer right away. I take him by the shoulders and pull him out of the snow with all the strength I have.

  My eyes go to the wound and I can see that the situation is quite bad but not desperate. The dark red blood flows out abundant and continuously, so, based on what I remember about first aid, the bullet must have severed a vein, not an artery. This means I have more time to intervene.

  I look first at me then at him checking for a proper thing, then, after deciding what to do, I swoop on his cloche and pull his belt.

  «What do you want to do, Khyla?» he whispers maliciously.

  I shake my head and answer ironically: «You’re pretty keen on it. How can you think that in a moment like this, I have this kind of purpose?»

  I laugh and then set the belt under the wound. The bleeding stops right away and I sigh relieved, even if the situation is not reassurant at all. To use this stratagem is useful but also dangerous. There’s a high risk to have permanent damage, if I don’t remove the belt within an hour. And that is a very long time. The ideal time would be within twenty minutes.

  I give him a light kiss on the mouth, then retrieve two long and resistant branches, take off my jacket and create a kind of stretcher, to carry Matthew on the snow. I don’t know where all this strength comes out from, but this way I can lead him far from the point
of the snow slide and find for a warm and safe place to take shelter.

  «Khyla, help me to stand up. You can’t go on for long bringing me on this sort of stretcher. Plus, without your jacket you’ll get frozen.»

  «No, you can’t make efforts. In addition, movement and fatigue keep me warm. I’m sweating. You have to keep your strength . I’ll think about the rest.»

  It isn’t true. I’m sweating, but the cold wind is freezing my shoulders and provokes intense shivers. Yet I go on in the snow storm, because I want to save Matthew’s life, more than to save mine.

  CHAPTER 34

  MATTHEW

  At every Khyla’s step, the stretcher slides on the fresh snow making it squirting everywhere. So, instead of just feel the weight of the flakes laying on my face, I can feel it going everywhere leaving me completely wet. Luckily my trousers are waterproof, otherwise I would really risk to get my legs frozen.

  I close my eyes not to see. I want to forget to be here, seriously damaged, saved by the promptness of my companion. This situation makes me feel too much pain. No, it’s not the physical pain to anguish me. What I can’t bear is my fault. I had promised to myself to use my qualities to the best, to send away from me the shadow in being a son of Compton. Instead I ended up as the majority of my friends: in jail to serve an endless sentence. But in my case, it was a crime just condemnable in California. Can it be considered a blame that of giving to another person your own love? Damned fucking law! Because of it, first the policemen and then my cell companions, called me in the most ignominious ways: pedophile, bastard, incestuous, pervert. I had to suffer their offences, their uncalled-for attacks. I had to go more than one time to the infirmary, to heal the wounds that they did to me during the night beatings. In the end they fed up in using me as their personal punch bag, perhaps because I didn’t gave them the satisfaction of begging pity. Yet the soul’s wounds are still there and give me more pain than this bloody leg, that stopped to bleed but it’s quickly losing sensibility.

  So there is another sense of guilt that pierce my chest. I’m alive because Khyla wants it. Had it not been for her, at this time I would be choked by the snow... She’s been the only one to trust me, apart from Tracy. And I threatened her, played her down, I did put her in the background in all the possible and imaginable ways. She would have a million reasons to leave me in the snow. Instead she drags me with her only forces along these hard pathways, without sighs or groans.

  KHYLA

  As I drag Matthew and myself in the middle of this snowstorm, I’m trying to be highly concentrated and to keep under control the flow of time. This isn’t easy without a watch. If at least there was the sun... Instead, with all this snow, you can’t see anything, it looks like a white desert. So I walk while mentally counting the steps, hoping, ones we get to a dry place, to find a match between the route and the time taken. I was pretty good in physics. So, if time is measurable as space over speed, it means that every step is... how many seconds? No, it isn’t right. This way I won’t come to anything. It’s better to continue going on, straining to see to pierce the snow curtain and finally find the right place where to take care of Matthew. He never speaks, not one groan or a word, so I often turn to see if he is ok.

  After I got away from the center of the snow slide, I entered a forest, where I have to make a slalom between the vegetation, with my burden of eighty kilos to be dragged. My wrists and shoulders are aching a lot, but I have no intention to stop now. Even if the pathway I’m walking now it’s an uphill climb and I have short breath, no one and nothing is going to prevent me from saving the man that I love.

  At a certain point, exhausted, I stop for a moment to wipe my sweat. Matthew calls me and I go to him, bending to listen to his words.

  «Khyla, leave me here and save yourself. I was wrong getting you involved in all this. I should have...»

  «Do you want to stop telling all these bullshit? I’m a mature and conscious woman. If I didn’t believe your plan right, I would never had followed you.»

  Yes, more or less. How can be mature a woman that helps a prisoner to escape? The truth is that the choice to follow Matthew in this risky plan has been dictated exclusively by my feeling. Because of love, I simply excluded reason from my life.

  I get up and go back to drive the stretcher. More and more tired, I go through a forest of larch and sequoia. I’m about to think seriously to throw in the towel, when in front of us I spot a house. A house! I can’t believe my eyes. Is it a winter mirage? It could be. Perhaps those who walk for hours in the snow and suddenly see a cozy hut, get the same hallucination of those that see an oasis after walking in the desert then find themselves eating sand, instead of drinking water. Yet, the more I get closer, the more I can see it clearly. I notice the stone roof, the stone and masonry façade, on one side there is a small porch with a table sheltered by a plastic towel. And this detail convinces me even more, that I’m not having hallucinations due to cold and fatigue. How could I imagine a worn green plastic towel wrapping a table in a porch?

  I turn again toward Matthew and I notice that his eyes are closed and that he’s breathing faintly. I have to move on. I advance as fast as I can and we finally get there. I knock but nobody answers. It must be an holyday summer hut. What can I do now? I’m not a thief, so I can’t force a lock, plus I’m already pretty in troubles with the justice, without needing to add damage to other’s property. I’m annoyed by the idea of breaking a window.

  Then I see it... an umbrella rack on the right. Could it be the house that José meant? Too good to be true, yet to be sure, I have to try. I put my hand into the umbrella-stand carefully plumbing the bottom of it and, as I’m about to give up, I find the key. I open the door and the first sight is not so good. A coldness like the outside one invests me but, watching better, I feel reassured. There is a welcoming sitting room with a fireplace, a queen-size bed with a quilt and a small kitchen with all the necessary to cook something eatable. Just thinking about food, my stomach start somersaulting, but this is not the priority.

  I run to Matthew and shake him to wake him up. He opens his wonderful grey eyes on me and immediately it seems to me that the intense cold I suffered in these hours is just a distant memory.

  «Matthew, cling to my arm. I don’t know how, but we got at the house meant by José.»

  He looks surprised, but can’t speak a word. Perhaps his tongue is frozen. Thanks to my help, he gets up. I lead him to the bed and cover him with the quilt and another wool plaid that I found on a rock-chair. Then I run to the kitchen and open all the drawers to look for a box of matches. When I find them I nearly cry with happiness. On one side of the fireplace, there are dry woods. I carefully put them in it and light a paper with one match, putting it under the wood pile. I gently blow on the fire and, with great joy, see the wood burning. A few minutes are enough to spread in the little house a pleasant warmth.

  «Khyla! I’m thirsty...»Matthew whispers. Of course he’s thirsty. He lost a lot of blood and he needs to replace the fluids.

  «Wait a minute» I say.

  I take a bottle of frozen water from the cupboard and put it near the fire to melt it. Just a few minutes and I give it to Matthew.

  «Drink it slowly, it’s still too cold.»

  He obeys although the great thirst. Now I should think about the vortex I’ve got in my stomach, but I already know that I have to wait for that. There’s one more important thing to do. I have to save Matthew’s leg and I need someone to help me. We need someone who knows about surgery, capable to extract the bullet and to suture the wound. My scout experience has come to my rescue until now, but that is over my knowing. So I put some more wood in the fire, I fill the glass with water and leave it near him on a small table, then kiss him on the forehead and tell him that I’m going out again.

  He takes my hand and looks at me with imploring eyes. «Don’t go, Khyla. I can’t stay here alone. There’s no doubt that this time I’m going to die. I want to spend my last moment
s with you.»

  I caress and reassure him.

  «No, you are not going to die. I’ll fight the death with tooth and nails, in your name, I grant you. But to save you I have to go out and find someone able to help you»

  He turns his head to the wall resigned and I can feel a piece of my heart going in thousand pieces. If I won’t find anyone, I’ll have to him going without any possibility of saving him.

  I sigh, put the quilted jacket on and go out in the snowstorm again. The more I advance in the cold, the more I feel fear possessing me. I’m alone, in a forest maybe infested by wolves, without a map or a Landmark. If there’s no one in this cold hell, apart from wild animals, we are both going to die without the comfort of each other. I should go back and try to extract the bullet by myself, but I don’t know if I had the courage to do it.

  That’s why I’m still trying to finish my mission. I go on without stopping, even though all I want to do is to through myself in the snow to sleep. Then I see a light and some smoke and my heart fills with joy.

  CHAPTER 35

  KHYLA

  I drag myself to the house, but at every step I feel that I’m losing more and more my strength. Too many emotions and too much fatigue all together, impossible to bear even to a fighting fighter like me. So, as I am at a step away from my goal and about to knock on the door, my head starts to whirl round and round and I fall on the floor with a dull thud.

  I’m out of breath, oppressed by fatigue, and meanwhile I think of Matthew, of the life coming out from his ice grey eyes, far away from me. I have to recover my strength, I have to save him.

  As I’m trying to get up, the door suddenly opens. I’m invested by a strong light that hurts my eyes, but, most of all, I see a big shadow above me. What the hell...

  «Hey! Is everything all right?»