But what if there wasn’t?
Then I could kiss goodbye to all my dreams of having children… sweet, easy to care for girls that sleep through the night and tell me: ‘Mummy, you’re the best and not really that fat…’
And on the subject of kissing goodbye to things, I could add never doing anything of any great significance in this life to that list. I would depart this earth as a M.O.N.S.T.E.R.
So I really did have to find out when this Apocalypse was planned for, even if Jesus was incredibly angry with me.
Chapter Thirty
Meanwhile…
The Reverend Gabriel was sitting in the bath, surrounded by bubbles. Silvia was with him and she was enjoying having her back washed. She was much more relaxed today and more focused on caressing than sawing. She’d even said that she had feelings for him, which made his heart race as only the presence of God had done before. Silvia, the psychologist, explained to him why she was suddenly able to open up to him like this. After more than twenty years, she had finally made peace with her daughter, which cleared emotional blockages. Until now, she had not been able to get involved with another man because of her constant feelings of guilt towards Marie. While Silvia spoke of her heartache that she’d had with her daughter all these years, Gabriel thought that families were another one of God’s bizarre inventions. Nothing gave people more pleasure and sorrow at the same time, more reason to rejoice and froth at the mouth, than a family. Humans really would have a much easier life, Gabriel thought, if God had designed them more like earthworms in matters concerning reproduction and breeding.
At least Gabriel no longer needed to listen to the family problems of his congregation, because he’d gone on sick leave for the rest of time on earth. His successor, Dennis, had taken up his new position a little earlier than planned – this morning to be precise. Dennis was one of those typical gym-body vicars, who loved church fêtes and gospel singing, but had also lost all faith during their theology studies, and wondered why they hadn’t chosen a more lucrative profession like investment banking.
Gabriel enjoyed parties and coffee mornings with his congregation about as much as the fact that his human self had a prostate. Not a single person had ever found to God through eating cake as far as he was concerned.
When the doorbell rang, Gabriel thought that it was the gym-body vicar. And he wasn’t going to get out of the bath for an atheist like him.. Then he heard the door open and a voice calling ‘Gabriel!’ It was Jesus.
‘Your carpenter is back,’ Silvia stated factually. Of course she didn’t understand what this meant. Gabriel didn’t understand it either for that matter. Wasn’t Jesus supposed to be on the open sea bound for Israel by now?
He heard the Son of God approaching. Any moment now Jesus would catch him in the bath with Silvia.
‘You look like a husband who is about to be caught having an affair,’ Silvia grinned.
‘The carpenter is Jesus,’ he blurted out. Silvia looked at him aghast for a short moment and then burst out laughing.
Jesus came into the bathroom and saw Gabriel in the bathtub with Silvia. She had turned red with all the laughing.
Gabriel wondered whether it might be a good idea to submerge himself in the bath and remain under the surface until the Day of Judgement was over.
But Jesus apologised. ‘Forgive me, my friend.’
Gabriel had not broken a marriage and had also not gone against the bathing guidelines in the Third Book of Moses (which did not interest the Son of God anyway – he was a man who elevated faith above rules), and so Jesus did not chastise him. The Messiah merely wanted to speak to him urgently, and left the bathroom to wait for him in the kitchen. Gabriel jumped out of the bathtub and dried himself hastily.
Silvia was astonished. ‘You’re behaving like that man really is Jesus and I am Satan.’
‘Satan?’ Gabriel looked at Silvia.
Was there a chance that he had a hand in it?
With Marie?
And with Silvia?
Yet even madder was the idea that Jesus could have fallen in love with someone like Marie without Satan’s influence.
Gabriel got dressed and ran into the kitchen with wet hair. Jesus told him what had happened in the harbour and that there was no tumour in Marie’s sister’s head, even though Marie had claimed there was.
‘Do you think she lied to me on purpose?’ Jesus asked his old friend.
Gabriel briefly wrestled with himself, and then told Jesus of his suspicions. ‘We have to consider the possibility that Satan has a hand in all of this.’
‘He wants to lead me into temptation?’ Jesus asked aghast.
‘Do you feel tempted by Marie?’ Gabriel’s worst fears seemed to be becoming a reality.
Jesus paused. Was Marie really leading him into temptation? He felt drawn to her, yes. But was there more to it?
‘I am probably being misled as well,’ Gabriel explained. ‘Satan gave us what we desire most. He gave me the woman I’d always loved. And he gave you the woman who sees the man in you.’
Gabriel did not say that he thought it was particularly perfidious of Satan to have chosen a woman like Marie, as it was hard to imagine her seducing a man, let alone the Son of God.
Jesus disputed this. The suspicion that Marie was linked to Satan was just too horrific: ‘Satan has tried once before to tempt me. In the desert. He promised me water, food, kingdoms… but not love.’
‘Well he’s perfected his methods,’ Gabriel explained. ‘Kingdoms are not for everyone, but love… that gets everyone sooner or later. Even angels.’
Jesus protested: ‘I… I just can’t believe that Marie is in cahoots with Satan.’
‘There is no other explanation.’ Gabriel had now convinced himself. This meant that he would have to banish Silvia from his house (and from the bathtub).
Jesus was so confused – he wanted to retire to pray and so looked for a calm place to do so. But the search did not lead him to the church, nor to the garden behind the vicarage. It led him to the pier, where he’d so enjoyed sitting with Marie. He sat down, looked at the water sparkling in the evening sun and began to doubt. Not Marie, but himself. Because there was yet another explanation as to why he had not climbed aboard the freighter, something that he had not wanted to admit. Perhaps… perhaps he didn’t want to head into the final battle? A part of him doubted his task. Punishing people did not fill him with joy. In Judea he’d only ever made threats about the wrath of God so that people would choose a better path. That was helpful. But they’d only been threats.
Quite probably he was so drawn to Marie because of his own doubts, and that’s why he was only too willing to be distracted from his task.
Chapter Thirty-One
I was absolutely delighted to see Joshua sitting on our pier. It showed me that this place meant something to him too. His anger had subsided, and it seemed that he was not even particularly surprised to see me, just a bit subdued and thoughtful. I sat down and let my feet dangle over the water next to his.
We sat there silently, like two people with a couple of wonderful dates and a great kiss on the cheek behind them, who knew very well that they couldn’t be a couple as their family backgrounds were too different.
Joshua also looked at me searchingly, as though he was somehow suspicious of me. Did he really believe that I’d just invented Kata’s disease so that he’d stay with me?
‘What brings you to me?’ he asked eventually.
‘I… I have a question.’
‘Ask away.’
‘When is the Day of Judgement coming?’
Jesus waited what seemed like a very long time before answering: ‘Next week, on Tuesday.’
The realisation that the world would only exist for five more days came as a deep shock to me. Everything I knew… everything that had ever touched me… everything I loved… would soon no longer exist. And I would have to lay all my dreams to rest. I reacted to this news like any other person would have reacted
. I threw up in the lake.
While the ducks bid a hasty retreat, Jesus sympathetically passed me a tissue. After I’d wiped my mouth, I carefully asked whether this Book of Life and God’s Judgement and the lake of fire really did exist. I’d hoped that this was just a transmission error and that the Kingdom of Heaven would be for everyone. But unfortunately, Jesus confirmed: ‘It will happen just like that.’
I went very pale and declared: ‘That… that bit about burning eternally is quite harsh.’
For a moment, I thought he might agree, but then something hit him, as if he wanted to rid himself of any burgeoning doubt. His expression darkened, he stood up and walked off the pier towards an apple tree on the shore that didn’t bear any fruit. Angrily he said to the tree, ‘Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.’
The tree withered away before my eyes.
Jesus looked at me sternly. Like an authoritarian teacher with a stomach ache looks at his pupils just before they’re about to do an exam. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me.
‘That’s what happens to everyone who fails to live according to God’s rules,’ he said threateningly.
‘You really could do with working on your metaphors,’ I let slip. ‘They really are quite complicated at times.’
Jesus did not let my objection stop him. ‘God’s commandments are recorded in the Bible for all to read. No one can say that they didn’t know them. Those who have done good things in their lives will be rewarded for not choosing the simpler path, the path of evil.’
I understood. So the care worker will get compensation for the fact that the manager of the nursing home cut her wages to increase his own share of the profits.
That seemed pretty fair.
I still didn’t like the concept of punishment though, and I was pretty sure that the care worker would concur. I preferred the idea of a benevolent God. ‘So the Almighty is a mean, punishing God?’ I asked grumpily.
‘Do not speak about the Lord in such a derogatory way,’ Jesus said angrily.
For a brief moment, the thought struck me that he really was a bit of a goodie-goodie, a little daddy’s boy. Thank God I managed to keep that to myself.
Joshua’s eyes were glaring at me angrily. But I just couldn’t agree with him. What would become of Kata? She’d most certainly violated the first three commandments about honouring God. And my mother? How was she going to make it into the Kingdom of Heaven? Not if my father had anything to do with it. And what about him? It might not be too bad for Dad, as Svetlana wouldn’t be able to break his heart if the world ended.
But suddenly I began to think about Svetlana’s child. The world would be ending for her next Tuesday too. Even though I couldn’t stand the girl, it just didn’t seem very fair. Although she’d be getting into the Kingdom of Heaven – she hadn’t sinned – she hadn’t really had the chance to live in this world yet. She would never be able to experience the joys that it had to offer: salsa, Robbie Williams concerts, The Simpsons, the butterflies that accompany your first kiss, the first night you spend with a man – well, OK, that was not a must…
But it still wasn’t fair! Everyone had the right to live their life until the bitter end! Even Svetlana’s bloody daughter!
Even Julian Styles.
Even… me.
I was now so ticked off with God and his sonny boy that my eyes actually dared to blaze at Jesus angrily. So we faced one another full of rage by the withered apple tree, which tried hard to be a metaphor for what had become of our developing friendship.
Finally, I broke the silence. ‘I think it’s unfair that God is not giving people another chance.’
There, I’d said it!
‘Are you really daring to rebuke God’s plan?’ Jesus asked sharply.
‘You bet I am!’
‘It doesn’t suit you to challenge the path of the Lord,’ Jesus reprimanded.
‘You’re such a little daddy’s boy!’ I replied.
That hit him hard.
I was glad!
‘Gabriel was probably right,’ Jesus said with a face like thunder.
‘About what?’ I asked impatiently.
‘About you acting on behalf of Satan.’
For a moment I could hardly breathe. Then I burst out laughing. Loudly and hysterically. My anger dissolved into spasmodic laughter.
This clearly annoyed Jesus: ‘You are ridiculing me?’
‘Yes,’ I answered honestly, once I’d managed to calm down a bit. ‘If Satan were to send someone to you, then surely it wouldn’t be anyone as incompetent as me.’
Jesus didn’t know what to say to that.
‘Listen,’ I said. ‘Look at me and listen to your heart. If you really believe that I am of Satan, then wither me like this tree.’
He looked a little tempted.
‘But,’ I continued, ‘if you do not believe it, then give me the chance to prove to you that our world deserves another chance.’
Jesus stared at me, and the longer he stared, the more afraid I became. I’d clearly been too brave – death-defyingly brave. There were probably nicer ways to die than being withered away.
Finally, Jesus opened his mouth. I was almost expecting my death sentence, but he just said: ‘The ship for Israel departs tomorrow evening. You have until then.’
I wanted to embrace him again, but as this would probably be misconstrued, I suppressed my desire.
The enormity of my task suddenly dawned on me – the fate of humanity now lay in my hands. I, of all people, was going to try to save the world.
Shame really that I didn’t have the foggiest idea about how I was going to do it.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jesus and I sat on the pier in silence while I thought about my dilemma. Perhaps I should just show him how many good people there are in the world. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of anyone truly noble. Other than people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King. But they were all dead, and Jesus probably knew them all already. He probably played a friendly game of backgammon with them in heaven, or whatever it was he did up there.
Yes, what exactly did people do in heaven all day long? And what would the people do once the Kingdom of Heaven was restored on earth on Tuesday? Pray to God probably. But would that really fill the days? Maybe for an hour a day, or even five? But what about the rest of the time? On the other hand, if you were already so completely happy, and that’s what you were supposed to be in this Kingdom of Heaven on earth, then it didn’t really matter what you did with your time. Then you could just look at the clouds, smell the flowers and let the grass grow under your feet all day, and you’d still be über-happy. Sounded a bit like being perma-stoned. I wondered whether I should ask Jesus about this, but decided against it.
Perhaps I should just show him who the good people were. But sadly I didn’t know anyone of Gandhi’s calibre. On the other hand – most people were pretty decent, weren’t they? There were no dictators, murderers or call-centre operators in Malente. The last major incident involved a neighbouring village being pillaged during the Middle Ages. But I doubted whether this was enough. Should I tell Jesus that people deserved to carry on living because most of them are neither good nor evil, just average? That didn’t seem like a very strong argument against God’s plan to divide humanity into good and evil for the rest of time. I let out a heavy sigh.
‘Why are you sighing?’ Jesus asked me.
‘Sigh…’ was my sighing answer.
‘You don’t know how to convince me,’ Jesus noted.
‘Yes, yes, of course I do,’ I answered rather unconvincingly.
‘You don’t.’ He smiled kindly, almost lovingly.
But his smile still made me angry, because I felt found out. I’ve always detested it when a man I have feelings for uncovers one of my weaknesses. It didn’t matter if this man was Jesus or not.
‘You’re angry at me,’ he declared, sounding surprised.
‘And you are the master of all things ob
vious,’ I replied, slightly too sharply.
‘What’s the reason for your anger?’ Jesus demanded.
‘Well, most people are neither good nor evil, just sort of average,’ I explained, ‘but that’s probably not enough to convince you.’
He didn’t say anything and seemed to be deep in thought. He probably didn’t want me to be angry at him. Eventually he asked: ‘May I make a suggestion?’
I was surprised. My anger actually disappeared for a moment.
‘Show me that these people you mention, these ordinary people, have the potential to be good and that they want to make use of it.’
Hmm… nice of him to suggest this. But how was I going to show Jesus that people could make use of their potential? Should I arrange a little general meeting at the Malente town hall and say: ‘Listen up, people! Enough with all the adultery and tax evasion. And if I were you, I’d stop saying “damn and blast” quite so much.’
So I let out another heavy sigh.
‘May I make another suggestion?’ Jesus asked.
I nodded.
‘Just show me one person whom you think has the potential to be good.’
He really was being very accommodating – it almost seemed like he really wanted to be convinced by me. As though he really had doubts as to whether this whole thing with the Day of Judgement business a good idea.
So I needed one person to prove this. That was all right. It might actually be possible. But whom should I choose? Kata? Probably not. She would just spend most of her time trying to explain to Jesus that God himself should prove that he had the potential to be good. My father perhaps? Well, he had about as many good things to say about me right now as the Pope did about condom factories. Mum also wasn’t a good idea. She was – she’d told me – only together with Jesus’s buddy, the Reverend Gabriel, because she was seeking solace. Maybe Svetlana? She was clearly grateful, that Jesus had healed her child. Maybe she was even grateful enough to stop using my father, and I could thereby show Jesus that she had the potential to be good? Should I take a risk with Svetlana? To put the fate of the world in the hands of the woman whom I’d called a vodka-whore?
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