“Just a dream,” I mutter, coldly. He holds my hand to stop the trembling that has taken over my body. After a few minutes he finally speaks.
“I was just with Benny. He called me and asked if he could pick me up, I thought, booty call! But he told me, he told me about tonight. He’s Vincent’s brother!?”
Oh, right! I’d forgotten about that. I chuckle lightly at his shocked and disgusted tone.
“Great. Now I’ll have to be nice to him. We’re seriously dating brothers?” He asks in dismay.
We both laugh. Gosh, I’m glad Jordan is here. I don’t think I would have been okay after that dream. I frown internally.
“It was such an awkward dinner, Jordan. Their mother doesn’t like me. I’m not good enough. She was so obvious about it…and poor Benny. When will he tell his family?”
“He says he’ll tell them soon. He’s just so confused. He’s not sure how they’ll react.” He rolls onto his side, “I really like him, Lenore. I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m so scared.” His eyes are wet with unshed tears. I curl into him.
“I know, Jordan. I’m scared, too.”
Chapter 13
Jordan and I are at the table sipping our morning coffee. I woke early and called the few pick-ups I had coming today and asked if they wouldn’t mind coming by on Saturday. It was no trouble. So for the second time this week, I will play hooky, this time with Jordan. I’ll more than make up for the loss once Christmas rolls around.
It’s going to be a lazy day, a leggings and t-shirt kind of day for us both. We tend to the garden, take Bucky for a walk, and watch Rosemary’s Baby and stuff our faces with snacks all day. It is just what I need.
We talk about everything, and reinforce our need to stick to our plans. He reminds me that I need to remain true to my vision of my future, stick to my goals, for the shop and for my life.
I need to talk to Vincent. I haven’t heard from him today. Maybe he’s decided to cut me off. Maybe he isn’t willing to negotiate the terms of our relationship anymore. What am I thinking? It’s only been one day. I don’t need to hear from him every single day.
I think back to the end of our night last night, the way he was looking at me. Almost like he had something to sayor maybe he was saying good-bye. Something about the look in his eyes is disconcerting to me.
I just want to make him understand that I need things to move slowly; I am not accustomed to love and affection. It makes me feel nervous, uncomfortable and defensive. Like I’m waiting for a bomb to drop or something bad to come and sweep it all away. I feel…undeserving. I really need things to move slower than they have been.
“So are you and Benny really coming to The Speak Easy tonight? It’s going to be a good show.”
Jordan grins, “Yes. Of course we are. I can’t wait! Me and Benny will be by to pick you up.”
I still haven’t heard from Vincent, no note, no phone call to the shop, he hasn’t mysteriously showed up. Nothing. My stomach is in knots. This isn’t good. It’s only been one day! But I miss him, I really do. I even called Maggie and talked gardening with her for thirty whole minutes to distract myself! I asked her out to breakfast Sunday, too.
I feel the need to talk to her about Vincent, and get her insight. She, like Kazumi, can be so rational. I need advice from a rational person right now, since I am feeling completely irrational.
Benny and Jordan swoop me up 6:30 sharp. Both well dressed and looking handsome, a nervous, excited energy flows between the two of them. They speak constantly, which is perfect. It helps keep my mind off of Vincent. They get along like a couple that has been together for years, and not just days.
It’s nice to be around. Jordan is happy. That angry shell he has is slowly peeling away.
We arrive and the boys take their seats as I head backstage to have a run through with the Mercuries and get changed. I think Kazumi has spoken with the girls, because none of them ask me about Vincent, there are no witty jokes flung at me. They are polite and sweet, offering me champagne and strawberries, which I drink and devour. I’m incredibly anxious; I don’t know why. I try to quell my nerves with champagne.
I’ve decided to tell Vincent I have a complicated past, without going into too much detail of course, and that’s why I need things to go slow. I may be willing to let things progress…but I’m still unsure of what that even means, or if I am capable.
Frilly pink tulle, and white rhinestones adorn my body for tonight. Once again, my ass is all but nearly exposed. My face is painted like a marionette doll. I take a moment to close my eyes and get into character. It feels as though a black cloud is looming over my head. I try and shake it free.
Just as we are getting ready to go on stage, there is a soft knock at the dressing room door. Jordan’s head peeks in apologetically. When he spots me, he crooks his finger at me.
“Lenore, I need to talk to you, now.” My heart drops into my stomach. His expression…he looks upset.
I get up; my nerves cause my throat to constrict. I can feel it’s something bad by the tone of his frigid voice. What is it now? We step out into the hallway. I can imagine all of the girls with their ears pressed to the door. He obviously has some drama to tell me. I brace myself for it.
“Benny doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything, so please, don’t say anything.”
My stomach coils. I don’t like the direction this is headed.
“I know you said you and Vincent aren’t headed toward a relationship, but I thought you’d still like to know. Um...”
My ears start to ring. Spit it out already!
“He let it slip, feels really bad about it. And I know I should have waited until after the show, but I feltI wanted to tell you now.”
Another long pause crackles between us. I watch his face transform, he looks as though he’s purposefully avoiding my eyes. He’s feeling sorry for me. Why?
“Oh my God, Jordan! Just fucking say whatever it is you came here to tell me!”
He swallows, and sets his jaw stubbornly. “Benny said that Vincent went back to his parents house to spend the night. Andwell, Vincent’s ex-girlfriend’s car was there when Benny got back home after he dropped me at your place. It was 5 a.m. by the time he got back. Their cars were parked, side-by-side.”
My throat is tight; my heart threatens to collapse inside my chest and leave a black hole in its place. I keep my face impassive, as the ringing in my ears gradually grows louder.
“Anyway, apparently they all went to breakfast early this morning. Vincent, his mother, and Charlene.” He drags out her name, like it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
“Vincent didn’t come back with them after breakfast, so Benny didn’t get a chance to question him.” He sighs, as if there is more. Suddenly it feels as though everything is deathly quiet.
“He heard the two bitches talking after breakfast, Charlene and Elizabeth. Apparently Charlene is going with Vincent—house hunting—in Uptown. I don’t know what that means...or if they are still together. Maybe Charlene is a fucking realtor. But—Benny says he hasn’t seen or heard from her since their grandfather died like three years ago. But then again, he says Vincent is very private.”
I pull my shoulders back and try my best to look indifferent, which is proving difficult because I feel like all the breath has gone out of my body. Jordan swallows again. I can tell he’s angry, and hurt on my behalf. The rug has been pulled out from under me. This is exactly what I have been trying to avoid, this feeling of vulnerability. I absolutely don’t want to be pitied either. This feels like shit. I don’t know why I should let any of this bother me. I said I didn’t want a relationship. But I feel like shit regardless, because like the fool I am, I had begun to consider it.
“Anyway, I thought you should know. I don’t want you getting hurt.” He is waiting for me to say something. But I can’t open my mouth to speak. Not yet.
I am hurt. I am. Just as I suspected I would be. Of course he would have a gorgeous girlfrie
nd named Charlene. Of course his mother would love her; his beautiful witch-of-a-mother. Could I have expected any less? I’m sure that’s why Elizabeth doesn’t like me; she was probably wondering why the hell his girlfriend wasn’t at his grandmother’s dinner and I was.
I was just that week’s entertainment. No wonder his mother was so indifferent, so hostile with me. I try my hardest to remember that I have been bracing myself for bad news since I set eyes on Vincent. A lot has happened between the two of us, but I have done my best to remain aloof from the tide of feelings swirling inside of me. I knew that if I didn’t acknowledge how I felt, it would benefit me. Even still, my heart is threatening to burst inside my chest.
I’m silent, I have nothing to say to Jordan, I repeat in my head over and over in an effort to convince myself, I did not care for him, I did not want a relationship... Just sex, just sex, just sex... There was never anything else.
My eyes flash up at Jordan in defiance; he looks upset. Which is strange, considering he doesn’t like Vincent. I would have thought he’d be more relieved.
“Is that all you wanted to tell me? I have to get on stage.”
He nods silently.
“Okay then. See you after the show. You’ll buy first round.” I give him an empty smile and head back into the dressing room. The girls are silent, and I so desperately wish I were alone. Instead, sad expectant eyes look up at me. I walk straight to the vanity, adjust myself and swallow the last of my champagne. I do my best to ignore the looks of pity I am receiving from everyone.
This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen, and I knew would happen. Fuck. Even Kazumi looks sorry for me. I pull myself together as we make our way to the stage. My shoulders back, head held high, emotions kept at bay.
Then I am lost in lights, and sound, and move my body like I never have before. A bit erotic for a marionette doll, but it numbs me. The applause gets me high; it feels empoweringfor the moment at least.
My little solo once again earns me applause and catcalls. I execute every move. My body moving and grinding with a fury I have never felt before. I am sexy and powerful, and no one can hurt me.
Allison’s knife throwing goes well, I think Kazumi is trying to prove to the owner of The Speak Easy that her girls are the best entertainment his club has to offer. After tonight, I’m not sure they can put up any more resistance. I really think he should give them an opportunity at performing two nights a week.
Especially after Allison’s knife pinned the clothing of her assistant so perfectly, that when she stepped away unharmed, all of her clothing stayed tacked to the wall behind her. Nothing but nipple tassels and a skinny thong were left on the gorgeous gal. I think everyone favored that over Ginger and Jill’s flame performance, but that was a close second.
All in all, tonight was a success. Tonight’s show has definitely set us apart from the other acts at The Speak Easy.
But when the music fades, and the performance is over, the emptiness and the pain swamp me once more.
I step back into the dressing room after all is done, and throw on a silvery white vintage slip dress, and skinny, strappy silver heels. I leave my hair as is, and re-touch my makeup, wiping off my lips and taking away the doll-like effect the makeup was giving me. The girls touch up and head out to perform in a private suite upstairs. Some law enforcement agency, or something, is up there celebrating, and so all the girls are beckoned. I’m tempted to join them, but I want to be alone for a moment before I join Jordan and Benny.
I relish the silence before heading out into the crowded bar. I know once I step out of this room I’ll have to pretend that everything is fine, when really I am angry, extremely angry. Worst of all, I’m hurt too. I so desperately wish I wasn’t.
Vincent’s girlfriend spent the night with him… In his parent’s home… They all went out to breakfast… Vincent is moving to Uptown, possibly with Charlene and not to be closer to me.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, trying to bring my unshed tears to a halt. I know they are there, ready to rain down, ready to drown me. I don’t care, I don’t care—please, Lenore, don’t care! Just as I stand to leave, Kazumi steps toward me. I didn’t even hear her come in.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but we heard everything. Just so you know.”
I stand and nod, and take a step toward the door. She stops me.
“Sit.”
You don’t question Kazumi. You do as she says. So I sit, completely focused on my normally silent friend.
“You liked him, that’s why you were so secretive. Jordan and I aren’t stupid. I just want to tell you, you have been the happiest and most alive I have ever seen you since you met him.”
My eyes begin to sting. Fuck, I better not cry. I’d rather vomit than cry.
“Promise me something, Lenore. Don’t go back to the way you were. Don’t go back to being the wallflower that doesn’t want to be noticed. You are meant to be loved, maybe not by him, but you are meant to be loved, by someone.”
And that’s it. My face crumbles and I drop my head into my hands. This is a strong and silent cry, deepcoming from the bowels of the hell that live inside of me.
Kazumi exits the room. She knows it would upset me further if she tried to comfort me. It takes me a few moments to collect myself. I will make him pay. I will make him sorry. I stand, fix my face yet again and step out. Tonight, I will dance. Kazumi is right, maybe not about being loved, but the part about me coming to life. I did come to life. I won’t allow that to change. Nobody will take that from me. Tonight, I plan on getting drunk.
Chapter 14
My third vodka tonic has been annihilated, and Jordan quickly replaces it with a fourth. The music and mood in on the dance floor is making me feel numb. Or maybe that’s the alcohol. Benny and Jordan are a wonderful distraction. They are both incredibly passionate about their plans to collaborate on canvas. They are happy, positive and just bubbling with energy. They’re constantly touching one another, not in a raunchy way, but in a soft, affectionate and familiar way. It’s almost enough to make me sick, except I am over-joyed for my friend.
A thumping pop song comes on and the three of us step out onto the dance floor. I’m sandwiched between the two of them, eyes closed, hands in the sky, moving and bumping along. I’m happy to be here with the two of them, I savor the moment. I know as soon as I am home and away from the noise of my friends and the music, the pain I am ignoring and pushing down deep, will wash over me.
Jordan twirls around us moving to his own music and I’m left with Benny in front of me. I drape my arms over both of his shoulders. I move against him, bumping and grinding. He folds his arms around my waist as he pulls me in. He smiles into me and presses a kiss against my hair.
“I’m really into Jordan, Lenore. I’m sorry about my dumbass brother. I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but I’ll talk to him. He’ll get an ear full from me, actually.”
I pull back and look into his eyes and bite my lip to keep from crying. I shake my head stubbornly, “No. It’s fine. Focus on your relationship with Jordan. I’ve never seen him this happy. Your brother, well—there’s no point”
“GET DOWN!!! He has a gun!!” I don’t know who said it, but their voice echoes around the room and thunders over the music.
Time seems to move in slow motion after that. I feel as though I’m hovering over the room, pressed against the ceiling, watching everyone scramble and push their way out of the bar in a panic.
There are screams coming from all directions, people running and pushing past me. Jordan and Benny grab hold of one another, they are being pushed away from me, Jordan’s hand stretches out from the crowd, and I am barely registering what is happening when I hear a loud Pop-pop-pop! The sound resonates throughout the club. I can’t make out where the sound is coming from. But I can’t think fast enough. For some reason, I really want to know who has the gun…and whom they are trying to shoot. My curiosity overrides my good-sense.
What the hell is happening? I’ve had too much to drink; my reactions feel slowed down, sluggish and heavy.
The cool evening air blasts my face as we exit the club. People are still running out of The Speak Easy, running to the parking lot, and wasting no time starting their cars and driving off. Security is nowhere to be seen. They are doing nothing to manage the pandemonium outside the club.
“Kazumi!” I shout as I push the arms around my waist.
Where is Kazumi? My ribs hurt from how tightly I’m being held. I see Jordan and Benny just outside the exit, scanning the faces in the crowd. Benny looks relieved when he finally sees me, but then his body goes rigid. He’s stunned, stiff with panic. Jordan looks from Benny to me. My eyes plea with Jordan and he runs back inside, yelling for Kazumi. We can’t leave her alone in there!
After what feels like an eternity, but is probably more like a minute, Jordan and Kazumi exit together. Kazumi looks upset, almost angry. Benny still hasn’t moved an inch. I nearly collapse with relief once I see that Kazumi is safe. What the hell is happening in there anyway?
The arms around me circle tighter and I’m practically carried behind the building as we trail after Kazumi. Jordan and Benny follow closely behind. The silence that descends upon our foursome is deafening. What drunkenness I have left is quickly dissipating as I take in my surroundings and consider what just took place.
Benny and Jordan lean their backs against the wall in the alley behind the parking lot. Kazumi stands firmly, trying to regain her composure. I push away from the security that has a hold of me, and as I turn around, a familiar smell touches my nostrils.
Old leather. Vanilla. Vincent.
Vincent’s cold, menacing eyes pin me. His hair is perfectly groomed and he’s dressed in an expensive, black three-piece suit, complete with a pocket watch and his black wing tipped shoes. My first urge is to pull his hair and bite his lip, but I restrain myself. The desire and need in me twists into my core like a knife.
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