“Are there other options? Any that don’t involve my wife.”
“Mr. Morris,” Dr. Messer said in a school principal tone, “generally getting pregnant involves two people.”
“Yes, I’m familiar with the concept,” I snapped. “But what can I do if I don’t want to tell her I have lazy sperm?”
Dr. Messer exhaled loudly, and I thought about telling him to be more sodding considerate, but he said, “You could try boosting your vitamin and mineral intake. Cut down on alcohol and—” I heard him rifle through papers “—I see you indicated you don’t smoke, which is good.”
I scratched my head. “What do you suggest I do next?”
“Talk to your wife, Mr. Morris,” he said. “That’s my recommendation. Then come and see me. Together.”
I hung up and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like ages, thoughts swirling around in my mind. I’d promised I’d take care of Abby. Do whatever it took to make her life stable, build a home, a family, a future. And now, not only was I asking her to move, but I’d also found out I had swimmers who couldn’t be bothered crossing the finish line.
“Sodding shit,” I said, getting up and finding my shirt had stuck to the wet paint on the wall. “Sodding, bollocking, shit!”
“What’s going on?”
I turned around. Abby stood behind me, suitcase in hand. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, I’m fine.” I plastered a grin on my face. How long had she been standing there? “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Were you on the phone?”
“Oh, uh, work. A deal fell through.” I waved a hand and walked over to hug her tight, kiss her gently. It had only been two nights, but, god, I’d missed her. “How was it?”
A shadow crossed her face, or maybe it was the way the light reflected off the new paint. She smiled at me. “Fine. It was fine. You know how these things go.”
“Let me guess. You had to say something interesting about yourself.”
Abby laughed. “How did you know?”
“Not my first time at the rodeo, missy. What did you tell them?”
She looked at me, seemed to hesitate, and then said, “The love of my life met me at the scene of an accident.” She smiled. “And I’ve been thinking. You should take the job with Kevin.”
“But what about—”
“No. You must. You deserve it. I don’t mind moving, and I’ll find another job. It’ll be fine. To be honest, I’m a bit fed up working with Ben and Olivia anyway.”
I took the bag out of her hand, placed it on the floor and kissed her slowly. And then I made love to my wife on the empty family room floor, next to the tins of paint, rollers and brushes, thrusting into her as deeply as I could, ordering my stupid, lazy sperm to hurry up and get to their destination.
Six weeks later, when Abby shakily held out a pregnancy test, I racked my brains, trying to remember every detail of the conversation with Dr. Gloom aka Messer. He’d said “difficult,” not “impossible.” It may only have been a few weeks, but since talking to him I’d cut down on beer, eaten more veg and even gone for a run.
I looked at my smiling wife. She was pregnant with my child—my child. A grin wider than hers spread across my face, then I picked her up, carried her to the bedroom and made love to her twice before dinner.
NOW
NATE
KEVIN BURST INTO my office, his mouth open wide as his eyes darted across the room, taking in the debris on the floor. “What the blinking hell is going on in here?”
“Not now, Kevin.” I grabbed my jacket and bent over to retrieve my keys. “I’m leaving.”
“Nate, hang on. Is everything okay?”
“Does it look like it, Kev? What do you bloody think?”
Kevin held his hands up in a defensive gesture. “Whoa. Whatever’s pissing you off, you can tell me.”
“All right, Kev.” I crossed my arms. “You really want to know? Okay. My wife’s screwing the next-door neighbor.”
“She’s what?” He shook his head. “Nah. Not Abby. No way.”
“Yes, fucking way. And they’ve known each other for years. Years, Kevin!” I panted, took a big gulp of air. “They pretended they didn’t know each other, but I saw them.” I pointed to my screen, the only thing left on my desk. “On Facebook. One of Abby’s colleagues posted a picture when...” My voice tailed off, and for a few moments I couldn’t speak.
“Mate,” Kevin said. “These things...they happen, you know? But you can—”
“You don’t get it, Kevin. It was an old picture. From before Sarah was... I don’t think she’s... My girl’s not...” I felt a tear trickle down my face, and I brushed it away angrily with the back of my hand.
“Jesus Christ,” Kevin said. “You’re sure?”
I pressed my lips together to stop myself from crying again, then said. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
“Look, Nate, you can’t—”
“I have to go. I have to sort this out.” I looked at him. “You have a problem with that?”
Kevin took a step toward me. “Why don’t you sit and calm down for a bit?”
“Sit and—” I ran both hands through my hair. “Didn’t you hear anything I just said? Calm down? Are you kidding me?” I punched the wall, leaving a neat, knuckle-shaped dent in the plasterboard, not registering—or caring—if it hurt my hand.
“Jesus, Nate. Listen to me—”
“I’m going home to—”
“Wait. Don’t leave in this state. You’ll do more harm than good. Trust me. When Felicity found out I’d—”
“Oh, please,” I spat. “Don’t give me the story of when you shagged the assistant. Naomi, Nathalie, Nadia or whatever her name was. I don’t want to hear it.”
Kevin stuck his hands in his pockets. “Gotcha. But simmer down before you do something you regret, okay? Go and have a drink. Walk around and get some fresh air. Whatever. I’ll come with you.”
“No,” I said quietly, my fists clenching and unclenching as if they had minds of their own. “I don’t want a fucking drink, Kevin. Or a walk. I need to go and see my wife.”
As I walked out, I tried to ignore the looks of my coworkers who—how very English of them—pretended not to stare, but who were burning holes in the back of my head just the same.
NOW
ABBY
“ABBY? IT’S KEVIN.”
“Kevin? Is everything okay? Is Nate all right?” My phone seemed to rattle around in my palm until I tightened my grip. “What’s wrong?”
“Nate’s on his way home,” Kevin said quickly. “He seems to think you’ve been...”
“What?” Silence. “What?”
“Uh, sleeping with your neighbor.” The words hung between us, dripping with all the indecency and the squalid lewdness of how an affair could appear from the outside.
I swallowed. “He said that?”
“Yeah. He thinks it’s been going on for a while, too. Said he found a photo on Facebook. A colleague of yours or something. And—”
“But there isn’t... It’s not like that, Kevin, I—”
“Abby,” he said. “It’s none of my business. I wanted you to know he just left, and he’s livid. I’ve never seen him so...” He exhaled deeply. “He also, uh...he said something about maybe not being Sarah’s dad.”
“What?”
He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I had to warn you, okay?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “Thank you.” But Kevin had already hung up.
Liam had only left me a short while ago. We’d both arranged to work from home while Nate was at the office and Nancy had gone shopping. Sarah had told me earlier she didn’t feel well, but I’d insisted she go to school. Liam and I had only intended on having coffee and finalizing our plans, but the bed upstairs was still warm. I hadn’t yet be
en able to bring myself to strip the sheets and put them in the wash.
A few moments ago we’d been wrapped up in bed, safe in our little world, Liam’s hand stroking my legs as we agreed on the last details. We’d wait until the weekend, then sit our respective partners down and tell them the truth, right from the beginning.
We’d move out, and until we found a house we’d stay in an apartment a few minutes away, so we could still be close to the kids. Liam was going to sign the lease for the flat this week. He’d even started packing a suitcase. Everything was going to be okay, even with Sarah, especially with Sarah. Liam and I had promised each other it would all be okay. “No it won’t,” a spiteful little voice said in my head, “and you’ll finally get what you deserve.”
My fingers trembled as I dialed Liam’s number. “Abby,” he said as soon as he picked up. “I miss you, too, but I can’t—”
“You have to come over, Liam. Now. Please.”
“Sweetheart, what’s going on?”
“Nate knows. He knows.”
“I’ll be there in twenty seconds.”
It took him ten.
“What happened?” he said as he led me into the living room. “How does he know?”
When I heard myself talk it sounded as if my voice—high-pitched and grating—didn’t belong to me. “Nate’s boss called.” I rubbed my arms, trying to get warm. “Nate found a photograph on Facebook and—”
“What photograph?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how he...” My mouth dropped open.
Liam looked at me. “What?”
“Last night,” I said. “It must have been. When Nancy talked about Francis and Olivia. I saw his face when I said he’d got her name wrong. He knew I was lying. He knew.”
“Jesus, that picture.”
“Which one? What are you talking about?”
“The one of Olivia and Francis with us in the background.”
“What?”
“When Francis showed it to me I asked him for a copy. He thought I was joking.” He exhaled. “I’ve always kept it. I dropped it the other day, but luckily Zac found it and he didn’t recognize you. I thought that was that. Shit!”
“But what if Nancy found—”
“Look, either way it forces our hand. It wasn’t how we’d planned on telling them but... Anyway, I’m staying here. We’ll speak to Nate together. It’s going to be all right.”
“You don’t understand.” I started to cry. “He knows everything. Everything.”
Liam looked at me, his eyebrows raised. “What do you mean everything?”
“About Sarah.” I swallowed.
He spoke slowly. “What about Sarah?”
“I’m sorry,” I said as my chest heaved. “But I couldn’t do that to him.”
“Do what, Abby?” When I didn’t answer he said, “Do what?”
I looked away. “Tell him she might not be his.”
He drew a deep breath. “Hold on. You said you were pregnant when we...”
“I wasn’t...”
“But I did the math. She can’t be mine, she—”
“She can,” I whispered. “She came early.”
Liam grabbed hold of my shoulders. “Is Sarah my daughter?” I opened and closed my mouth, but no sound came out. “Abby? Is she?”
“I don’t know.” Liam’s face contorted into an expression I’d never seen before. “I don’t know. It could be either of you.”
And then a loud gasp to my left made both Liam and I turn. Sarah stood in the doorway, her mouth and eyes wide-open, her face a shocking tone of gray, and I realized she must have felt unwell at school and had come back early. I hadn’t heard her come in.
“Mum?” Her voice sounded like it did when she’d thought I’d left her in the middle of Asda when she was three. “It can’t be... You’re lying... You...”
“Sarah.” I moved toward her, holding out my arms. “I can explain.”
She took a step back. Her gaze moved from my face to Liam’s and back again. “Is it true?” The words came out as a strained squeak. “Is it?”
“Sarah, I—”
“Is it true?” She was shouting now, the veins on her forehead more prominent, a speck of spit in the corner of her mouth. “Is he—” she pointed at Liam “—my dad?”
I held my breath.
“Is he?” she yelled, the words bouncing around the room. “Is he my dad?”
“I’m not sure,” I whispered as I covered my mouth with a hand. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry, but I’m not sure.”
“How could you do this?” Sarah clenched her fists, then tugged at her hair. “This is so messed up.” She let out a wail, sounding like a wounded animal as she paced two steps to the left, three to the right, over and over. “It’s fucked up. Oh, my god. I have to tell him.”
“Sarah, please.” I moved toward her again. “Dad’s on his way home. Sit down and we—”
“You don’t understand what you’ve done,” she shouted, looking at me, eyes protruding from her skull and wild with anger. “Oh, my god. What have you done?” Her arms dropped.
When Liam spoke, I jumped. I’d almost forgotten he was there. “Sarah,” he said gently, “we’ll sort this out.”
“Shut up! Don’t you dare talk to me,” she yelled. And then she stared at me, raised her chin. “I slept with him. I slept with him.”
“With who?” I looked at Liam, then at Sarah. “Honey, no. No. He wouldn’t have.”
“Not him, stupid,” Sarah screamed, pointing at Liam again. “With—”
“It’s okay, it’s okay. I...I read your diary. I know. With Brian.”
Sarah laughed; it sounded cold, hollow. “You really are a stupid cow. We both knew you were snooping. I made Brian up, Mum. He doesn’t exist.”
My lips quivered as I spoke. “What?”
“I lied. Made up the perfect boyfriend. One you’d want me to go out with, one you’d approve of. It was his idea, and he helped me.”
“Who are you—”
“So did Claire. I wasn’t sure you were reading my stuff. Not until you asked Camilla about Nicole and Brian. Then I knew... But it was lies because I knew you didn’t like him.” Tears slid down her cheeks.
“Didn’t like who?” I said. “Sarah, tell me who you’re talking about.”
“Zac, Mum,” she whispered, craning her neck toward me. “Zac’s my boyfriend. Zac.”
Liam draw a sharp breath. “Oh, Jesus, no.”
“I slept with my brother,” Sarah said, laughing again. “My brother.”
I tried to keep my voice level for her sake as much as my own. “We don’t know. We—”
“It all makes sense now,” Sarah sobbed. “Why we get along so well. Why we like the same things. It’s because we have the same father. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.” She put a hand to her mouth. “I hate you,” she said when she took it away. “Do you hear me, Mum? I hate you!”
And then she ran.
“Sarah,” I shouted. “Sarah! Wait. Wait.”
“Abby, let her go.” Liam grabbed my arm. “Give her time. Nate will be—”
“No!” I shouted. “I won’t leave her.” I shook off his grip and followed Sarah, spotted a flash of her red jacket and sprinted faster.
As she ran up the road I managed to gain some ground. I turned back and saw Liam running after us, too. It didn’t take me long to catch up with Sarah, and when I did I managed get ahold of her arm and she spun around.
“Don’t touch me,” she seethed, her eyes red and her cheeks streaked with tears. “Don’t.”
“Honey, please.” I held on to her arm again. “Let’s—”
“I said don’t touch me.” She yanked herself away and ran into the road.
“Sarah! No! Don’t—” I lunged forward and
pushed her out of the way of the van hurtling toward us. But whatever else I wanted to say got lost in the squealing of the brakes and the dull thud when the front of the vehicle slammed into me.
NOW
NATE
I WAS ALREADY on the train by the time I realized I’d left my phone at the office, probably under the pile of stuff I’d scattered over the floor. But I wasn’t going back. I wondered if I’d ever face going back when everybody would be openly pitying me, or secretly laughing at me telling the story about how my wife had been shagging the neighbor.
I could feel my pulse throbbing in my neck as I sat on the train, thoughts peppering my brain so fast it felt like an electric storm in my head. I pulled out my wallet and dug around for the pictures of Sarah. I peered at her, examining every detail, every angle of her face, every freckle. Did she look like him? Everybody always commented on how much she looked like Abby. But did she look like him?
I started telling myself that maybe I’d gotten it all wrong. The picture meant nothing. Abby and Liam really hadn’t recognized each other when he’d moved in next door. The glances and the gestures were figments of my imagination. Even Abby’s mistake with Olivia’s name was genuine. Liam was banging some big-breasted twenty-five-year-old instead.
But, I decided, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then guess what? Your neighbor’s probably screwing your wife. So then the question became, now what?
Despite what I’d told Nancy, by the time I’d gotten in my car I’d decided this wouldn’t be the end for Abby and me. It didn’t have to be. People recovered from affairs all the time. And it couldn’t be serious. Liam had only moved in next door a few months ago. There was no way they’d been carrying on before. They’d lived miles away. When would they have found the time?
And, fuck it, besides all of that, I still loved her.
There was a reason for what had happened, I decided as I drove over the speed limit, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel. Maybe she was going through some kind of crisis. Maybe I hadn’t taken care of her the way I should. Or maybe I was too bloody nice. But we’d figure it out. I’d fight for her. I’d fix it. I’d pound Liam into the ground if I had to.
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