by Martin Crimp
Frank (entering room) A callbox.
Milly A callbox?
Frank He couldn’t get through.
Milly Who do we know in a callbox, Frank?
Frank He couldn’t get through.
Telephone ringing again as before. A moment passes. Marijke answers.
Marijke (very faintly, from another room) Hello? (Pause. Faint laughter. Pause. Faint laughter.)
Marijke continues to speak on the phone, just audible at pauses. However nothing she says is intelligible at this distance.
Frank (in response to Marijke’s laughter.) Sounds like one of her men-friends.
Milly I beg your pardon, Frank? (Slight pause.)
Frank Alec or one of those.
Milly Alec’s just a boy, Frank. He’s a boy, not a man.
Frank Well of course he’s a boy.
Milly Then why did you use that expression? (Slight pause.) He knows I hate that expression. It always puts me in mind of a particular sort of woman.
Frank It sounded like Alec. I say, I’m sure it was only Alec or one of those.
Milly What do you mean it sounded like Alec?
Frank The first time he rang. I thought I recognised the voice the first time he rang.
Milly But I thought he couldn’t get through?
Frank Well when I said he couldn’t get through what I meant was was there was something wrong with the line. Because I could hear him, but he didn’t seem able to hear me.
Milly Well why didn’t you say?
Frank It seemed too complicated. (Slight pause.)
Milly But surely it’s quite straightforward. Surely what you mean is the first time he rang you answered and he asked for Marijke and you asked him who it was, but he went on speaking presumably and took no notice of what you said. It seems quite straightforward to me. Isn’t that what happened, Frank? Because really I don’t see why he couldn’t just’ve said that in the first place, why he couldn’t just’ve said: Michael rang but he couldn’t hear me, or words to that effect.
Frank You mean Alec.
Milly I said Alec.
Frank You said Mike.
Milly Well I meant Alec. Obviously I meant Alec.
Pause. Marijke audible.
Do you know I’d love to visit the bulbs. Because we’d set our hearts on seeing the bulbs and then we saw that programme about the drugs, didn’t we Frank. And of course it put me right off the bulbs because the drugs are terrible over there. You can buy drugs in the shops, can’t you Frank, just walk in and buy them.
Pause. Marijke audible.
Milly It put me right off.
Silence. Faint ping of receiver replaced.
(Calls.) Marijke. (Slight pause.) Marijke. (Slight pause.) (Normal voice.) Marijke, what’s the name of the place Frank and I almost went to? (Slight pause.)
Marijke (from the doorway throughout) Do you mean the Keukenhof gardens?
Milly That’s right. The Cookenhoff. It sounds so odd the way she says it. It doesn’t sound like the sort of place you’d expect bulbs somehow. (Slight pause.) Was that Alec?
Marijke I’m sorry, Mrs Taylor?
Milly Frank said poor Alec was having trouble with the phone.
Marijke I’m sorry?
Milly It was Alec you said, wasn’t it Frank?
Frank I thought it was Alec.
Milly He thought it was Alec. Wasn’t it Alec?
Pause.
Marijke Alec is in Israel, Mrs Taylor.
Milly Well no wonder he had trouble getting through. No wonder he had trouble, Frank. Is he having nice weather over there?
Marijke He has been away all summer. In the kibbutz.
Milly He must think a lot of you to phone from all that way.
Marijke I’m sorry?
Frank Marijke’s saying it wasn’t Alec, aren’t you Marijke.
Milly But she’s saying he rang. He just rang.
Frank I don’t think he did.
Milly What do you mean you don’t think he did? Marijke just said he did.
Frank Marijke said he’s in Israel.
Milly I know he’s in Israel. He’s been there all summer in a kibbutz, I’m not deaf, Frank.
Frank He didn’t ring.
Milly You mean he couldn’t get through.
Frank I mean he didn’t try.
Milly But you spoke to him, Frank.
Frank I was wrong.
Milly You told me you’d spoken to him.
Pause.
Well who was it then if it wasn’t Alec? You know you really don’t have to be so secretive about your boyfriends, Marijke. Marijke. Marijke, please don’t walk off while I’m speaking. (Slight pause.) I say you really don’t have to be so secretive about your boyfriends. Because Frank and I would like to meet your friends more often, wouldn’t we Frank. Because of course we know Alec by sight and I’ve always said to Frank he looks like a very nice boy but do you know I can’t remember when we last spoke to him. Can you Frank. Except on the phone.
Pause.
Marijke Which meat am I to put out, Mrs Taylor?
Milly Which meat?
Marijke Last night you said remember to put out the frozen meat.
Milly Didn’t I say lamb? I thought I’d said lamb.
Marijke Which is the lamb?
Milly Isn’t it labelled?
Marijke I couldn’t see lamb.
Milly Chops. It should be labelled chops.
Slight pause.
Marijke Chops.
Milly Do you want me to come, Marijke? (Slight pause.) I won’t be a moment.
Silence as Marijke and Milly go.
Frank (relaxed and rambling) The more I think about it … the more certain I am … that it was the Bahamas. Because of course that was the year Marijke. Why did I say Marijke. I mean Irene. That was the year Irene lost her child. Do you know they came back and the house had been ransacked. They knew exactly what they wanted. Jewellery. Electricals. And of course they had all the time in the world. (Pause.) No I can’t imagine why Mill has such a bee in her bonnet about the Canaries. (Pause.) Of course it broke her heart.
Pause.
Naturally you can’t entirely rule out the sexual motive because after all there’s no doubt that Irene is a very attractive woman, a very attractive woman. But I do think Mill makes rather too much of a meal of it. Because I’ve been into it in some detail, and if as Irene says this black chappie followed her from the bank, then it does seem reasonable to assume doesn’t it that his motive was a financial one. Although who’s to say that at the back of his mind like any man he wasn’t aware of the further possibilities so to speak. (Pause. Faint laugh.) Some of the girls he used to bring back when he was still living at home, they were quite extraordinary. In fact we’ve often said Irene’s quite a plain Jane compared to some of those girls. We used to ask ourselves: where on earth did he find so much charm. And then to see him with Irene. Why did I say Irene. I mean Marijke. To see him with Marijke. Who must be what half his age at least. I mean at most, don’t I. Half his age at the most. To see the two of them you’d think he was still a boy himself the way they were carrying on. (Faint laugh.) Those tulips … (Faint laugh.)
Milly (entering room) He’s not talking about that dog again is he. Really Frank don’t you think we’ve all had enough of that dog for one day.
Pause.
Frank Any joy?
Milly Any joy, Frank?
Frank Did you have any joy with the chops?
Milly You know sometimes I think Marijke inhabits an entirely different world to the rest of us. She wasn’t even looking in the right freezer, Frank. But I suppose I mustn’t complain. Because young people make all the difference to a house. That’s why I say: we’d like to see her friends more. But of course it’s a secretive age. I suppose I was secretive about Frank when I was her age. Although I really can’t imagine why. It’s not as if we had anything to hide. Because our pleasures were quite innocent in those days. In those days we just hadn’t heard
of sex and drugs.
Frank We’d heard of sex, Mill.
Milly Well yes we’d heard of it. But it wasn’t being rammed down your throat all the time, that’s my point. And as for drugs.
Frank Marijke wouldn’t take drugs.
Milly Well of course Marijke wouldn’t take drugs. But if Frank will let me finish what I was going to say, what I was going to say was what sort of a world is it where you can just walk into a shop and buy them that’s what I’d like to know.
Pause.
Frank Alec seems a nice enough lad though.
Milly Oh yes, I’ve no objections to Alec. I can’t say I like his stud, naturally. But I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.
Frank His stud?
Milly I realise they’re all the rage.
Frank I didn’t know he had a stud, Mill.
Milly He’s always had a stud, Frank. Yes he’s always had a stud. For as long as we’ve known him. And it’s not something I’d take issue with. I assume he’s aware of the risks.
Frank Do you know I’d no idea he had a stud.
Milly Because it can’t be hygienic to have something like that in your nose. I know I’d’ve died if Michael had come home with something like that in his nose, wouldn’t I Frank. We’re so lucky he never rebelled.
Frank I wouldn’t say he never rebelled.
Milly Wouldn’t you?
Pause.
Frank It wouldn’t be honest to say we’d never had our difficult moments with Mike.
Milly Oh yes we’ve had our difficult moments. But he was never a rebel, Frank. He never disfigured himself. He was always clean. I’m not saying Alec isn’t clean, but Michael always looked it.
Frank He had a guitar.
Milly Yes, but he never played it.
Frank It was quite an expensive guitar.
Milly And he was always polite. He wouldn’t be where he is today if he wasn’t polite to clients.
Pause.
Frank It was quite an expensive guitar. What was the name of it, Mill? It was Japanese, but it didn’t sound it.
Milly Because whenever he brought a girl home for example, he’d always introduce her. Didn’t he Frank.
Frank I remember being quite surprised to discover it was made in Japan.
Milly I said didn’t he Frank.
Slight pause.
Frank Didn’t he what?
Slight pause.
Milly Some of those girls … (With increasing tension.) Of course I don’t mean in any way to disparage Irene, because I’m sure she’s a very attractive woman, very attractive, in her way. But the fact remains Irene was really quite the plain Jane compared to some of those girls. And he’s never lost his charm, Michael. We often used to ask ourselves where he got it from, that charm of his. Because it didn’t come from Frank, did it Frank. And I don’t mean to say it was wasted on Irene. Of course not. Because clearly Irene had something the others didn’t. Or Michael felt she had at least. And it’s not up to us to question his judgement, is it Frank.
Pause.
Frank Mill was very upset by the operation.
Milly It was coming out of the blue like that.
Frank Mill was surprised they didn’t mention it beforehand.
Milly They could’ve at least mentioned it. (Pause.) And the thing is we still don’t really know why, do we Frank.
Frank Well we think we might know why.
Milly Well yes we think we might know why, but we might be wrong.
Frank But clearly she’d made up her mind she didn’t want children.
Milly (raising voice) Yes but there are ways and means, Frank. There are ways and means.
Long silence.
Frank I’ve said to Mill, perhaps next year we’ll manage to get away. Next year when Marijke’s gone. Haven’t I Mill. Oh it won’t be anywhere very grand. It won’t be Tenerife. (Pause. Jovial.) I say it won’t be Tenerife, will it Mill. (Pause.) We’ve been looking through some brochures already. That’s where we saw the Dutch weekend as a matter of fact. We thought the Dutch weekend was very good value. Because the price included the tour to the bulbs, didn’t it Mill, and it’s not often the price includes the organised tours these days.
Pause.
Milly (softly) We would never’ve dared do that, would we Frank.
Frank Dared do what, Mill?
Milly Walk off. Walk off like that while somebody was speaking.
Pause.
Frank We could manage Spain. I’ve said to Mill we could probably manage Spain.
Milly I’ve told Frank he can forget Spain.
Frank There are some very attractive offers if you go at the right time.
Milly I’m not going to Spain, Frank.
Frank Mike’s been out there. He says it’s not at all what you’d imagine.
Milly I really don’t care who’s been out there, Frank. I’ve told Frank I really don’t care what Michael says because the fact is you’re likely to be attacked. I’ve spoken to people who’ve been attacked.
Frank I didn’t know that.
Milly Joan was attacked only recently. That was Spain.
Frank Whereabouts?
Milly Spain. Somewhere in Spain. She said the people – the Spaniards or whatever they are – she said they just stood and watched. And then of course no one spoke a word of English did they. She said at the police station they just jabbered away it was quite disgraceful. That was Spain. The man who did it had a gun. She told the police she’d seen a gun, but they took no notice, she could’ve been shot for all they cared. And of course now she’s home she’s moved heaven and earth to get her money back, but do you know the agents claim they’re not responsible for what happened. Not responsible. Can you imagine?
Frank Whereabouts was that, Mill?
Milly Spain, Frank. I’ve told you: it was Spain. Sometimes I wonder if he’s listening to a word I’m saying.
Frank Well of course I’m listening to what Mill says about the violence over there, but there’s also violence over here.
Milly Well I know there’s violence over here but it’s not the same violence because their attitude to women is completely different that’s my point Frank. And if you remember we decided that although the price of the Dutch weekend included the tour of the bulbs the fact was, that particular Dutch weekend which included the tour of the bulbs was the most expensive Dutch weekend we looked at.
Pause.
Heaven and earth she’s moved.
Pause.
Do you know sometimes I say to Frank, don’t I Frank, I say sometimes I think I’d be quite happy if I never went anywhere. Because of course the Cookenhoff or whatever it’s called looks very attractive, but then we do have flowers here. It’s not as if we don’t have flowers here.
Pause.
(Softly.) We were sitting by the pool. That man made such a nice job of the pool. And I’d noticed that Irene was looking rather haggard because I’d said to Frank hadn’t I Frank don’t you think Irene’s looking rather haggard, because of course it’s not like Irene to look like that she usually looks so gay. (Slight pause.) And even then I had to worm it out of her didn’t I Frank, and if I hadn’t do you know I still think we’d be sitting here in ignorance because that’s the thing that really upsets us isn’t it Frank, that it’s quite clear if I hadn’t wormed it out neither of them had any intention of telling us. We’d still’ve been sitting here in ignorance, wouldn’t we Frank. (Slight pause.) She said she’d made up her mind, I said yes Irene it’s quite obvious you’ve made up your mind, but surely there are ways and means I mean it’s such a step to’ve taken, because after all you’re still an attractive young woman with your whole life ahead of you or the greater part of it at any rate. (Slight pause.) She said there’s hardly any scar, not that you’d notice. And that was the end of the subject wasn’t it Frank. Frank. (Louder.) Frank. (Slight pause.) I say: that was the end of the subject wasn’t it.
Long silence.
Marijke (from the doorway) Excuse me,
Mrs Taylor.
Milly Yes? Yes what is it Marijke? (Slight pause.) Flowers Frank. That was a nice thought.
Marijke The stems had snapped.
Milly Those cats. Look Frank. Wasn’t that a nice thought of Marijke’s.
Marijke Where shall I put them?
Milly We’ll have them in here I think. Yes this room could do with some colour. (Slight pause.) Those cats. I’ve said to Frank I’m sure there’s something you can buy, I’m sure there’s something you can put down. (Pause. Faint laugh.) You know it reminds me of those tulips. Frank and I were just saying about those tulips, Marijke. Because it was such a funny idea, wasn’t it. Wasn’t it Frank.
With mounting amusement as before:.
Frank Mike can be a real comedian when he wants to be.
Milly It took her quite by surprise, didn’t it Frank. Because you see she was curled up on the sofa reading a book, weren’t you Marijke, and Michael sneaked in, and the next thing you know they were both in fits, weren’t they Frank … (She begins to laugh.)
Frank I really didn’t think that old sofa would be able to take it … (He begins to laugh.)
Milly I don’t even think they realised we were all watching, the state they were in, but of course someone had left the dining-room hatch open …
Frank Mill said to me, where’s the camera …
Milly But of course he doesn’t have a flash … And what was it you said to him, Marijke? What was it she said to Michael, Frank?
Frank It was something like, what am I supposed to do with them …
Milly That’s right … What am I supposed to do with them. And so Michael said … What did he say to her, Frank? …
Frank (laughing more) It wasn’t so much what he said … It was the way he said it …
Milly (laughing more) What was it he said, Marijke? … Of course we were all in hysterics by this time, you can imagine. Even Irene had to laugh. What was it he said? …
Marijke (now inside the room) I don’t remember, Mrs Taylor.