by Martin Crimp
— Surprise me with dementia on my birthday, or with a lively kitten. Make me pregnant.
— Make me pregnant on my birthday. Make me pregnant age sixty-eight or still in a little dress age nine.
— Make me a nine-year-old father – scan me – bring me in for tests.
— Fuck and abduct my child plus bring me in for tests – test my blood – test my saliva – I have a right – swab my mouth.
— Take blood – scan my body – make scans of my brain – I have a right –
— I have a right to be scanned – I have a right to be offered a full range of serious diseases: terrible cancer, terrible suffering.
— I have a human right to terrible suffering plus to a horrid accident.
— Oh my horrid and entirely avoidable accident! Oh my worrying impotence!
— My failure to prolong intercourse.
— My failure to reach orgasm.
— My terrible fear of dementia – of childbirth – bad headaches – bad hangover – my reaction to shellfish – my anaphylactic shock.
— My shock – my reaction to fresh crab.
— My failing eyesight and stink of dental caries – my addiction to prescription drugs.
— My burning urethra, my chronic weight loss, my diminished responsibility, my stretch-marks, my broken nose and sex-addiction.
— My burning urethra, my chronic weight loss, my diminished responsibility, stretch-marks, broken nose and sex-addiction plus my addiction to morphine plus my addiction to shopping.
— My burning urethra, my chronic weight-loss, diminished responsibility, stretch-marks, broken nose and sex-addiction, addiction to morphine, addiction to shopping plus my post-traumatic stress plus my infertility plus my long long history of abuse.
— My trauma! My horrid abuse!
— My years of horrid abuse at the hands of those I trusted: my abusive mother, my abusive priest.
— My abusive father. My manipulative and abusive cat.
— My horrid abusive baby plus flashbacks of my abusive priest. Take blood.
— Take blood – scan my whole body – authenticate my abuse.
— Swab my mouth – authenticate my horrid trauma – offer me therapy.
— Offer me therapy – save me.
— Save me.
— Test me.
— Offer me counselling.
— Offer me a full range of anxieties.
— Protect me.
— Abduct me.
— Surprise me with therapy on my birthday. Fatten my lips.
— Traumatise me with a lively kitten. Whiten my brown teeth.
— Authenticate me – fuck me.
(Softly.) I said fuck me … go on [= continue] … go on …
stop.
I said fuck me …
go on … stop.
I said fuck me …
fuck me …
go on …
— Remove and replace my heart.
go on …
yes go on …
go on …
…
…
stop.
4
THE FREEDOM TO PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON
— Yes I decided I needed therapy. I decided I needed to change. There were things about my past I wasn’t confronting. I needed to confront them and move on.
— For example –
— For example – yes – I’d never talked to anyone about my Mum. I’d never talked to anyone about my Mum and Dad. I’d never talked to anyone about my childhood.
— I had flashbacks –
— Yes I had flashbacks of my childhood plus I had problems with my sexual partner.
— I had problems I was not confronting: intimacy, for example – trust.
— I had problems with trust, I had problems with my body, I had problems with my partner’s body. There were things about my body I wasn’t confronting.
— I was angry.
— I was angry. I needed to put my anger behind me and move on.
— Yes I was angry about my partner’s body. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t talk to my partner about my anger. I couldn’t talk to my partner about my Mum and Dad. I couldn’t talk about the flashbacks. I needed to put my flashbacks behind me and move on.
— I needed to talk to Dad. But how could I talk to Dad? I’d never talked to Dad. Dad never talked to me.
— Dad never talked to me and Dad never talked to Mum. Dad never talked. Did Dad have flashbacks? If Dad had flashbacks he never talked about them and if the phone rang Dad never answered it.
— Dad never answered the phone. The phone rang on and on, Dad never answered it. Were there problems Dad wasn’t confronting? Things about his body? – things about the telephone? Did Dad have flashbacks? I couldn’t talk to him.
— I could not talk to Dad. I could not talk to anyone about my dad. I could not talk to anyone about my mother’s sister. I tried.
— I tried.
— I tried.
— I tried to talk about my mother’s sister with my partner but there were problems: there were problems with my partner’s body and there were problems with my partner’s cat. I was angry.
— I was angry with my partner’s cat. I was angry with my partner’s body. I had flashbacks.
— I had flashbacks where I saw snow – could see snow – could see a garden under snow – black stalks of the currant bush – snow squeezed into my woollen mitten – there’s Dad by the space rocket burning the pile of leaves, look – then it’s gone.
— Snow falling from a grey sky into my face, look – then it’s gone.
— There’s the smell of the damp mitten, there’s Mum wheeling in the tea-trolley with the Saturday tea, look – then it’s gone. There’s that hard tapping on the glass – there, there, listen! – then it’s gone. What did the flashbacks mean?
— What did the flashbacks mean? Why was I angry with my partner’s cat? Why when my partner touched me did I flinch away? Was it the cat?
— Was it the cat or was it my mother’s sister? Why was my mother’s sister tapping at the window? Why did it make that sound? What was she tapping with – was it a key? I’d stopped enjoying food.
— I’d stopped enjoying food and I’d stopped enjoying sex. I’d stopped enjoying moderate violence.
— I’d stopped enjoying mushrooms. I needed to move on. I needed to change.
— Yes.
— I needed to think positively about my body.
— Yes.
— I needed to think positively about my sexual partner.
— Yes.
— And about my job.
— I hated my job.
— I really hated my job. Sorry. It’s true. I hated it. I hated my boss. I hated her quiet way of standing behind me when I worked. The way she ate sandwiches angered me.
— The way she poked at the filling.
— The way she poked at the filling with her fingernail, the way she said Hmm not much chicken.
— The way my boss said Not much chicken angered me: I couldn’t talk to her. I tried.
— I tried.
— I tried.
— I tried and tried to talk to her about my job, I tried to talk to her about my Dad, about my flashbacks. I tried and tried to talk to her about enjoying sex but there was trauma: there was trauma in my boss’s past. Why else would she poke a sandwich? Why else would she paint her fingernails bright green? My boss was damaged. Maybe her parents – who knows what? Was it about race? Was it about class? I refused to speculate.
— Was it about my boss’s sexuality? I refused to speculate.
— Was it about the strip of light under her parents’ bedroom door? Or under her own door? Or under some other door – the bathroom door? Was it about alcohol?
— Was it about misuse of alcohol or of prescription drugs? Was there a long long history for example of mental illness? I refused to speculate.
— I totally refused to speculate abou
t my boss. I hated her, I couldn’t talk to her, I couldn’t talk to her about my job. I was trapped.
— I was trapped. I was boxed-in. I was hurt. I was fearful. I was angry. I was ashamed.
— I was hurt. I was silent. I was closed off. I was ugly.
— I was guilty. I was trapped.
— I was boxed in by my boss.
— I was ugly, I was fat.
— I was fat, I was too thin, I was too hurt.
— I was blocked, I was trapped, I was too ashamed.
— I was angry.
— I was angry.
— I was angry now my Dad was dead. How could I talk to Dad now Dad was dead? How could I talk to Dad about my flashbacks? Now I would never talk to Dad about my boss’s chicken or my mother’s sister’s tapping. Now I would never talk to Dad about Dad’s body. Dad was dead.
— My Dad was dead and I would never talk to him.
— I would never talk to Dad about my Mum. I would never talk to Dad about the lost mass of the universe. I was alone. Yes I was alone. I hated my feet.
— I hated – that’s right – to see my own feet. I hated – yes this is right – to see between my own legs now Dad was dead. I flinched from my partner, flinched from my partner’s gaze. There were things about my body I could not confront. I needed to put these things behind me and move on. I wore socks.
— I wore socks. I covered my feet. I at all times covered my feet and covered between my legs. I was fearful, I was boxed-in by my partner’s gaze. I could not love, I could not love myself or trust my partner. I could not separate my legs or trust my partner with my love. I could not eat meat. I could not eat sugar. I could not eat mushrooms. I could not eat wheat or dairy products. I could not look confidently between my partner’s legs. I could not lie confidently across my partner’s stomach.
— I could not eat nuts: there was no nut I could eat. I sicked up nuts.
— I sicked up meat. I sicked up fish now Dad was dead. I sicked up cheese. I sicked up marzipan.
— I picked through my own sick. I picked through my own sick while my sexual partner was asleep and ate it.
— I ate my own sick then sicked my sick up again over my socks. My socks were pink. My socks were dark blue. I wore thick orange socks. I couldn’t sleep.
— I wore thick orange socks. I tried to watch sex.
— I wore thick orange socks. I tried to watch moderate sex. I tried to watch strong sex and frequent bloody violence. I couldn’t sleep. I crawled into bed.
— I crawled into my bed and covered between my legs. I covered my head. My socks were pink. I couldn’t sleep.
— I could taste sick. My partner slept. I could not trust my partner with my love. The room was dark. I covered my head. I covered between my legs. I saw Dad’s currant bushes crowned with snow.
Long silence.
*
Oh help me – please – I need to confess:
I’m addicted to chocolate – shopping – I’m scared of sex –
trapped, hurt, angry – plus there’s the stress of those
PANIC ATTACKS!
Hey hey hey – be calm – relax –
Just sing my little therapeutic song
then put it all behind you and move on.
Oh help me – please – I need to explain:
the abusive priest – the strip of light – the pain –
bitterness in my mouth – the wet piss stain and the
HORRID FLASHBACKS!
Hey hey hey – be calm – relax –
Just sing my little therapeutic song
then put it all behind you and move on.
Oh please please – help! – they say it’s me
used my own child for child pornography
and that in point of fact it was my own family
I KILLED WITH AN AXE!!
Hey hey hey – calm down – relax –
Just sing my little therapeutic song
then put it all behind you and move on.
Oh help me – listen to me – please – please –
turns out I rounded up these Palestinian refugees –
shot all the young men against a wall
then the next day couldn’t remember anything about it at all!
Not only that but when I clicked on the news
they were saying I’d massacred over six million Jews!
burned whole forests! – broke faith! – spat at the poor! –
trashed the planet! – started an endless illegal war
PLUS I AVOIDED TAX!!!
Hey hey hey hey – come on – calm down – relax –
Just sing my little therapeutic song –
we don’t use words here like right and wrong –
say to yourself I deserve love I am strong –
then put it all behind you
put it all behind you
just put it all behind you and move on.
5
THE FREEDOM TO LOOK GOOD & LIVE FOR EVER
— I’ve moved on. I’m looking good. I look in the mirror: I like what I see.
— I’m looking good. I eat.
— I eat chocolate. I eat ice cream. I exercise. I look in the mirror: not bad!
— I eat a vegetable. It’s a good vegetable. I eat a piece of meat.
— I eat meat, I eat a vegetable, I exercise, I look in the mirror, I like what I see.
— I eat, I look, I check.
— I check my weight.
— I check my look.
— I check my chocolate: yes my chocolate’s still there.
— I check my vegetable, I’m checking my meat.
— I check my blood, I check my lung.
— I check for lumps.
— I eat, I look, I check my look, I meet my own eyes, I’m looking good.
— I’m checking for lumps: no lumps.
— I eat a fruit. I eat a chocolate. Oh yummy!
— I’m looking good. I’m looking pretty good. I said I’m looking pretty good – look at me.
— Yes.
— Look at me.
— Yes.
— Look at me.
— Yes.
— I’m looking pretty good. I’m looking pretty desirable. I’m working out. I look like a good fuck.
— I look like a good fuck. I look like I’ve got friends.
— I’ve got good friends. I’m checking my friends.
— I’m fucking my good friends then checking my weight. I eat fish.
— I eat fish. I eat fruit. I’m checking between my legs – checking my balls for lumps. I’m checking my hair for hair-loss plus checking my heart.
— I’m checking my skin for tell-tale signs. I’m checking my heart for lumps. I exercise: I can swim, I can run, I can stand on one leg.
— I can stand really well on one leg – fact.
— It’s a fact I can eat fruit. It’s a fact I can stand on one leg. Oh look at the fine fruit spray as I break the peel.
— Look at the fine spray: smell this fine orange. Look at me. I said look at me. Look at me eat fruit. Look at my mouth – not just the teeth – look past the teeth, look right past my tongue – look into my throat – come right into my throat and enter my stomach – enter my stomach, pass into my gut – look round, yes, take a good look round my gut, check it out, check out my nice long gut and emerge from my arse. Look at me. Look at my arse.
— I check my weight. I check my arse. Look at my arse. It’s a pretty good arse!
— I’m bicycling.
— I’m bicycling a lot!
— I like to use my bike a lot! I check the distance travelled. I check the time taken. I’m getting so fast and fit! As each day goes by I shave off another second and reward myself with a chocolate. I envy you. I wish I could see my own arse from behind the way you can see my arse from behind when you’re behind me. I wish I could see myself swim.
— I wish I could watch myself actually live – yes just see myself being alive an
d continuing to be alive and being perpetually alive and going on and on and on like this living – not like in previous times when people – remember? – stopped living and died plus there was so much shit.
— Yes there was so much shit, wasn’t there, in previous times.
— There was so much shit about how badly things were going – yawn yawn – about how people stopped living and died. I mean I’d had it up to here with how little fish there was – or how little cash – with how children sickened, with how it was all so bad and fucking difficult and yawn yawn yawn – I just wanted to rock back in my chair and scream.
— Everybody had bad haircuts.
— Everybody had really bad haircuts plus they were being rounded up and shot or their children sickened or there was an imminent I don’t know what –
— Catastrophe.
— Catastrophe. A wave.
— Some catastrophic wave.
— Yes there was a wave or a dearth. There could be a blaze.
— The world was always ending, that’s right, in a blaze of light or there could be a dearth. Time passed – oh yes – but time made nothing better – time made you feel like shit.
— Time made you feel like you’d wasted your life: either spent your life with the wrong person or never found the right person to spend it with – remember? – or spent your whole life with the right person but never of course realised until that person sickened and died and you were alone yes utterly alone and yawn yawn yawn – then came the wave, then came the whatever the annihilating blaze of light. There was so much complete shit, so much horrid emptiness: nobody swam, nobody biked, nobody ate fruit. I’d go into a shoe shop and there would be no shoes, or go into a theatre and there would be whatever –
— There would be no play.
— No play – whatever – what kind of fucking world was that?
— Yes I’d go into a food shop in previous times and find there would be no food, or into a bank and the bank would be out of cash. I just wanted to rock back in my chair and scream and scream. But now –
— But now –
— But now –
— But now –
— Yes but now –