His quick nod tells it all. Again he takes a long drag, I wait to hear him out. “She’s not in your league, Jasim. Fuck, yeah, she’s submissive, though she doesn’t know that.”
I have to stop him there, “I have no interest in Janna, Mickey. I assure you. Yes, I saw she was sub material as soon as I met her, but she’s too young for me. And too innocent.” The dip of his head at the last bit confirms what I’d expected. Wondering how much of a lie I’m telling him, I make my position plain, “I helped her, that’s all. I didn’t, and have no intention of, touching her. Or of even seeing her again. I wouldn’t have been here tonight if you hadn’t wanted something from me.”
My answer seems to have reassured him, but his eyes come to meet mine, “No offence, mate, but I worry about her. I’ve looked after her for a long time. She’s my responsibility.”
Half of me is jealous that he’s so close to her, but something tells me there’s nothing sexual between them. The other part is pleased she’s got someone looking out for her.
“That’s me, over there.” I point to the Tesla, “I’ll be in touch, Mickey. Just as soon as I can.”
His eyes are still narrowed as he flicks the butt down a drain, but then he gives a nod. “Just so we understand each other.”
I don’t use words for a response, just steel my eyes. With a final nod, he turns and walks away.
Chapter 8
Janna
When Mickey returns my brow creases and I glare at him suspiciously, knowing from the way his eyes won’t meet mine that I’m right to be concerned about why he wanted to speak to Jasim. It was about me. Me. Anything else he’d have said in front the band. It’s certainly not the first time he’s interfered in my life, and the burning inside tells me I’ve reached the end of my tether, and I won’t be putting up with it any longer.
He, and the rest of them, need to let me stand on my own two feet. And I need to start standing up for myself and demand some independence. Sure, it was great to have these men watching out for me when I was still in my teens. After the loss of my parents I appreciated their protective and guiding hands. There’s no denying they’ve been useful dissuading a few of the more unsavoury element from getting too close. But I’ve grown up now, I’m a woman, no longer a young girl in need of their stalwart protection. And that means it’s past time that they stop controlling me and my life.
Allowing me the freedom to make my own choices and mistakes is not going to be easy for either them or me. For my part, I’ve become comfortable with them making decisions for me, and on theirs, well, they still feel an obligation to keep me away from the harsher side of life and keep me from getting hurt, protecting me not only from physical, but emotional harm as well.
Despite my anger bubbling inside, I can see Mickey’s looking tired as I suspect we all are. When we’re playing to a crowd as responsive as this one had been tonight, we give our all on the stage. Thinking rationally, now is perhaps not the right time to start the conversation I want to have with him and the others. Tempers could flare easily, and things let slip that are best left unsaid. Biting back my frustration, I know it would be better to go home and to bed, sleep on it and then approach them tomorrow.
Biting my tongue, I consider the familiar pattern of the ways we all come down after the buzz and excitement of the gig, it always follows the same pattern. One of the guys will take me home, then they’ll go on to chill in their own individual ways. Mickey and Joe might find a girl and fuck it out of their systems, Liam and Rory will probably get lost in a drunken haze, with or without Sunny, and Ben, well, he might do either or both. I’ve been with them a long, long time, and while they think they shelter me, I’m not stupid. Once deposited in my room with a book, they believe I live in ignorance of what they get up to, when in reality I’m just turning a blind eye. Up to now, I’ve been content to read as my way of coming down from the evening’s high.
But going to bed like a good little girl is the last thing I want to do this evening. I feel restless, with an unfamiliar tingling inside of me. Dressed in casual clothes, Jasim had blown my mind, the attraction I’d felt for him when he’d taken me home increasing ten-fold, and the look in his eyes had showed he wasn’t unaffected by me. Why, for once in my life, couldn’t I be allowed to have some freedom to explore what there could be between us? Even if, at the end of the day, it might end in heartache. Wasn’t that all part and parcel of growing up?
Why are they allowed to let their hair down, while making sure I stay put in my room? The unfairness and knowledge that Mickey’s probably chased off my sheikh leads to me lacking my normal good humour.
Drinks finished, sweaty t-shirts exchanged for clean ones, clothes packed away, I stand when the others do and pick up my bag, looking around to see if there’s anything I've missed. At least nowadays the roadies will have loaded all the gear into the van, including my precious guitars.
“All ready to leave?” Mickey asks cheerily. “Here, Janna,” he tosses his car keys at me, “You’re okay to drive back, aren’t you?”
For Christ’s sake! And it’s that that makes all my good intentions fly out of the window. He won’t be coming home tonight, he’ll be off with some girl. While he’s probably frightened the only man who’s ever interested me away. Suddenly I’m not able to take the diplomatic route and let it ride until the morning. I turn on him, not wanting to wait a moment longer to find out whether my suspicions are right.
“What did you say to the sheikh, Mickey?” I snap.
Mickey’s eyes flick guiltily away. Fleetingly, I think he’s going to lie and get ready to call him out on it, when with a sigh and a quick glance at the others, he gives it away. “He’s not for you, babe.”
Never have I felt more like stomping my foot, “I didn’t suggest he was. But that’s not up to you.”
“Babe, we’ve told you the kind of man he is.”
“Mickey. Just listen to me. I’m sick to death of you controlling everything I do. I’m not a kid anymore.”
“We promised your mum…”
“Ben,” I swing around on the man who’s adding his support, and to the wrong party in my opinion. “Do you really think she’d approve? Look, frigging hell, I’m not talking about Jasim. I’m talking about my life. You never let me have one. You wrap me up in cotton wool and it’s starting to suffocate me.”
“Babe,” Mickey’s hand touches my arm, his long hair swings down and feathers across my skin as he leans down to talk to me, “We,” he points to himself and then indicates the others, “We know what men are like. We want to protect you from that.” It’s at that moment Joe comes back in, zipping his fly, and by the satisfied grin on his face I don’t think he’s been for a slash. It emphasises the freedoms they have, which are denied to me. It makes me see red.
Angrily, I swipe his hand away, “I’m well aware of how you lot treat women,” I scoff, nodding pointedly at the vocalist. “I’ve seen it often enough.”
“Janna, we’re looking out for you. Nice boy shows an interest, we’ll be right behind you.”
“And that’s the frigging point!” Now I’m snarling, but I can’t help it. “A nice boy? What’s that, in your definition? And I know you’ll be fucking behind me. I’ve been there, remember?” On my first date, I’d turned to find all of them in the bar, eyes on me at all times. They’d followed me into the cinema. Hell, the guy I was with got so nervous he took me home at ten o’clock. And that set the pattern for dates after that.
I’m not normally so confrontational, but Mickey’s actions tonight have riled me. I play a major role in this band. Joe and I control the audience, they trust me to do that. But that’s the limit of the faith they have in me. Heaven help me if I decide I want to try my luck with a man. They’ve no right to keep interfering. Mickey’s attitude is just too much, how dare he warn someone away? He’s gone too far, and now I need to bring things to a head. Taking a deep breath as I look around me, I say the words I doubt they ever expected to hear.
I’m deadly serious as I voice my threat. “Back off. Or I leave Anarchy Rules.”
The expressions on their faces would be amusing had I not issued such a serious ultimatum. And the one on mine shows them I mean every word I said. Let them eat that. I stare at them all while my warning sinks in. When no one answers, I swing my bag up on my shoulder, toss my hair back, and walk to the door, pausing only to say, “We going home then?”
I’ve stunned them into silence. They follow me out. There’s none of the usual camaraderie as we go to the car park at the back. Avoiding the looks of hurt and dismay on their faces, I get into Mickey’s car and drive it back home where I go to my lonely bed. The emotions of the evening make me burst into tears, and I bang my hand against the pillow in frustration. I’m ashamed to admit I cry myself into a restless sleep.
I feel trepidation when I leave my bedroom the next morning after a long night which had seen me tossing and turning, my declaration ringing in my ears. Had I been wrong? Whichever way I looked at it my only conclusion was that I’d been right. It’s time I made a stand. Everyone breaks out from their family at some time, and this dysfunctional group happens to be mine. Unless they allow me more freedom, their oppression is going to destroy me. My attraction to Jasim, the catalyst for my decision. If I want a man, why shouldn’t I go after him? Without my family vetting my every move.
“Morning, babe.” Sunny’s perched on a stool by the kitchen counter, a mug of tea in her hand. Nodding at her in greeting, I busy myself flicking the switch to boil the kettle, and putting a tea bag in a cup. “You got them riled last night. It was all Rory could talk about. You wouldn’t do it, would you? Leave the band high and dry?”
Swallowing down the sarcastic comment, oh, it was Rory’s turn then, I drown the tea bag and then take it out, opening the fridge and pouring milk into my drink before I answer. I take the stool beside her. “They’d be fine without me. Ben’s good enough to take over. He hides at the back, but he can handle lead just fine.”
Her mouth turns down, “You’re the draw for the band, you know that, don’t you?”
I give a little shrug, shaking off her implied compliment, “No more than Joe. You know he gets the girls screaming.”
“But it’s you the males want to see.”
Pushing back my hair, I refute it, “It’s the music. Anarchy Rules would still survive if I left.”
“But would you be able to survive without Anarchy Rules?” A new voice breaks in.
Turning to greet Rory, I take a moment to consider his question, and then give an honest answer. “I don’t know. But it feels like it might be time I found out.” Though I don’t actually have much of an idea what I’d do instead. But if they ignore my ultimatum, I know I owe it to myself to try.
Crossing over to his girlfriend, Rory places his mouth on hers, and gives her a full kiss, his tongue delving deep. I don’t miss the way his fingers trace discreetly over her breast, making her squirm in pleasure. Now that’s what I want. A man who so clearly desires me. And if I stay with the band I don’t see any chance of me experiencing that.
At last releasing her lips, he looks up and stares across at me, “The music’s important to you, it’s all you’ve ever wanted to do.”
He’s right, it’s all I’ve ever known. But it doesn’t mean I couldn’t do anything else. “I could go into producing. Do a solo album. There’s loads of things I could do.”
“You could marry a rich sheikh.”
I play punch Sunny’s arm. Under the circumstances, I don’t believe her comment is useful.
Thankfully ignoring what his girlfriend said, Rory gives me a cheeky grin, “But you’d miss us.” He’s right and I can’t deny it. I would miss them.
I inhale, then sigh, “The answer’s simple, Rory. If you lot don’t want me to go, stop suffocating me. Let me have a life and the band.”
I feel a presence behind me, and arms surround me, pulling me back into a strong muscular body, “Babe, if that’s what we have to do to keep you, then we’ll try to back off.” A feeling of relief comes over me, it seems Mickey’s been giving this some thought. But as his words sink in, my initial glow of elation fades, words come cheap.
I have to test him. “And what if I wanted Jasim?”
“Oh, babe,” Mickey lets me go, then comes around the other side of the breakfast bar. Resting his elbows on it, he leans forward and looks into my eyes. “Janna, he’s too much for you. He’s too old and experienced. And he knows it.”
I knew it! “That’s what you told him.”
Mickey’s eyes gaze steadily into mine. “I admit that’s what I’d been meaning to say, but he got in first, Janna. It wasn’t what I told him, but what he told me.”
My mouth drops open. I don’t want to believe him, but the earnestness written all over his face shows he’s probably sincere and telling the truth. I turn away to hide the tears pricking at back of my eyes. Of course, a sophisticated man like Jasim wouldn’t be interested in a nobody like myself. I was stupid to think that for a moment.
“Janna…”
I don’t turn back to face him, “Just leave me be, Mickey. I’m going to my room, there’s a riff I want to work on.”
No one tries to stop me and nothing more is said as I leave the kitchen. In my bedroom I pick up my guitar and lose myself as my fingers fly across the strings, working on a break that had been going around my head for a while, sliding up and down the fret board trying to get it just right. It’s the escape that I choose and, as usual, I lose myself in my music and, for a while, try to forget all about the handsome sheikh who’d so suddenly come into my world, and who had left it just as abruptly. Leaving me with only fantasies running through my head of what might have been. Too young and too inexperienced for him. Yeah, right.
I’m playing through my headphones, so don’t hear a knock on the door. The presence looming over me startles me and I drop my pick, swearing as I try and locate it on the floor. I glare up at Joe.
“I did knock,” he shrugs, apologetically.
“Frigging hell, that was my favourite. Now where the hell has it gone?” I put aside my guitar and slide down to the carpet on hands and knees, feeling with my hand where it might have gone. Finally, when I find the plectrum just under the bed I sit back up, happy again. “Well, what did you want?”
Reaching out his hand, Joe helps me to my feet. “Mickey’s had a call from your sheikh.”
“Already?” My eyes narrow in surprise.
Joe shakes his head and grins, “Babe, you’ve been in here for hours. I arrived about twelve and it’s now half past four.”
Christ! I’ve lost the entire day. Mind you, that’s not unusual. Then I realise what he said. Ignoring the reference to my sheikh—that’s not likely to happen—I ask, “What did Jasim say?”
“Mickey sent me to get you, he wants to tell all of us at once.”
“Everyone’s here?”
“Yeah, you’re the only one missing.”
“Well, what you waiting for, then?” I lead him out of my room, and into the lounge, then take my place on the couch. Mickey is standing, his hands clasped behind his back as though he’s about to give a presentation. He smiles as I sit down. Good news, then.
“I’ve heard from Sheikh Jasim. And the short answer’s yes.” His grin broadens showing he’s chuffed with the news.
“Yeah!” Joe’s exclamation of pleasure contrasts with his wide-open eyes. It seems he didn’t think it was going to be that easy.
“Great!” Rory and Liam high five each other.
“Fucking brilliant!” Ben fist pumps the air.
As various appreciative calls ring out, my face beams. If I divorce my thoughts of the sheikh from the opportunity for the band, I can really see some good coming out of this. From the pictures, I’d seen it’s a fantastic venue for us to use, and will give a unique flavour to our music vid. After this morning’s clearing of the air, if they really give me some space, I’m happy to throw all in with
Anarchy Rules. And this is about the best news we could have.
Mickey raises his hand, “Pipe down a mo, there’s something other things you need to know, and, Joe,” he nods toward the vocalist, “Some logistics we’ll have to work out.”
“How we can afford to get out there with the film crew for a start,” Liam butts in, “We need proper support on this. Can’t have the best venue in the world and cock it up using cheap camera and sound.”
“If you give me a moment?” Mickey glares at the bass player. As he lets us know there’s more to come, he starts grinning again, pausing before telling us the rest, “Sheikh Jasim’s come up trumps. He’s flying back to Amahad in about four weeks’ time. If we can make the arrangements, we can go with him, and take all our gear and equipment on his family’s jet. That halves our travel costs as we’ll only need to make arrangements for coming back home.”
Another round of pleased exclamations.
“Jeez, Janna. You did good when you met that man.” Ben thumps me on the back.
“You didn’t say that at the time,” I shoot back at Joe, who has the grace to look sheepish.
What does it mean for me? Excitement bubbles inside me. We’re going on his private jet, and I’m be seeing him again. Then my mouth turns down, as I remember with dismay the rejection he sent via Mickey. Does he really see me as little more than a school girl? Should I really feel pleasure at the chance to see him again? Wouldn’t it be better to put him out of my head? If I’m travelling to the same country as him and on the same plane, wouldn’t that only be rubbing salt into the wound?
Realising my conflicting thoughts have resulting in me zoning out of the discussion going on around me, I make an effort to pull my attention back.
“We’ve got gigs lined up.”
“Yeah, Joe. That’s what I meant about needing to get our end sorted. We’ll put our heads together and see what we can shift or cancel. We’ll just have to work it out. But for now, let’s fucking celebrate!” Mickey’s beaming like a loon.
Dark Horses: (Blood Brothers #5) Page 8