She wants to see me in a month. While I nod my head, it’s another thing I’ll need to discuss. She’s in a private practice, I won’t be able to afford the appointments, even now Anarchy Rules is making more money. I really should make arrangements to go to my own GP and take advantage of the National Health.
Chapter 34
Jasim
Janna’s so quiet, I know she’s in shock as I take her hand and walk her out of Mary’s office. And I don’t speak, giving her time to process the life changing, shattering, news she’s just been given.
I was glad Mary could fit us in at such short notice; she’s a Domme, and a popular choice of doctor for myself and many members of Club Tiacapan. Her no-nonsense approach and understanding of the lifestyle a benefit for all involved. I smile to myself, not sure whether a vanilla doctor wouldn’t have turned a hair when I admitted to beating my wife the previous night. And Janna was unable to hide the marks I’d left on her. Just seeing them made me start to get hard in a very inappropriate situation. Then what I saw on the screen wiped all thoughts of arousal out of my mind.
Janna’s pregnant. With my child. The child I saw on the screen. I’ve never wanted children, they were for other people, never for me. But when faced with the reality, I was completely blindsided by the heartbeat I’d heard and the infant I’d seen. It wasn’t something abstract, and surprisingly, it looked totally formed. If Janna had continued to say she wanted to abort it, despite my views that it was her decision, I would have been devastated. If it had been only a bundle of cells, that might have been different. But this looked like, was, a complete human being.
Mine to protect, cherish, and love. Just like its mother. Walking to the car and unlocking the door, I feel like falling to my knees and thanking whichever god had spun the wheel letting such odds to fall in my favour. Slapping me around the head with a situation I couldn’t avoid. Making me come to my senses and admit I didn’t want to let this woman walk out of my life. All at once giving a name to that emotion I’d felt but failed to recognize last night. And now I’m going to look after her. Care for her and my child. My child. I’m walking on air.
I open her door and help her inside.
“I’m not an invalid, Jasim,” she grumbles. I smirk to myself, no she’s not, but I’m going to make her life as easy as I possibly can.
Going around to the driver’s side, I get in myself. The car starts with hardly a sound.
“Why, when you’re in the oil business, do you drive an electric car? Wouldn’t a gas guzzler be more appropriate?”
Suspecting her question is a distraction from the conversation we must have, I shrug, “Hey, I respect the environment. Fossil fuels have their place, but that doesn’t mean I have to use them all the time. If it makes you feel better, I also have a Ferrari.” I put the car in gear and start to pull away. “Are you hungry? I thought we could get lunch.”
“No.” She replies quickly, then corrects herself, “Well, yes. I’m going to eat, Jasim. I know I need to look after myself. But can you just take me home? I need time to think.”
To think about what? I’m not worried she’s going to consider ending the pregnancy as she’d been so adamant in front of Mary. Which only leaves her to contemplate us. Our marriage. Of bringing up a child alone. I don’t want her to think about any of that. Not before she understands how I feel. Reaching out my hand, I rest it on hers, disheartened when she pulls it away. “We’ve got a lot to talk about. This involves the two of us. We shouldn’t try to make far reaching decisions without discussing it together.”
She throws me a sharp look, “There’s nothing for you to decide.”
“No?” I reverse back into the space, put the gear into neutral and pull up the handbrake. “I think it was me that was wearing the condom that failed. I know that is my child that you’re carrying in your womb. It’s my responsibility as well as yours.”
“And it’s my body. As you said. I can do what I like with my body.”
“But it’s my child. If you’re keeping the baby, it’s mine too.”
I notice my voice has grown harsh. This is not the place for such a conversation. Around us cars are pulling in or out of spaces, people walking around. It’s off-putting. We need somewhere relaxing for this. And I know just the place. Restarting the engine, for the second time I put it into gear.
“Where are we going?”
“We need to talk, Janna,” I tell her for the second time since we left Mary’s office. “I’m taking you somewhere we can do that. Without distractions.” As she opens her mouth to protest, “I’ll take you home, but not until after we’ve talked. If you don’t want to hear what I’m going to explain, just ignore me. If you don’t want to speak to me, keep your mouth shut. But I’m not letting you go back to your flat to sit and stew until I’ve at least had a chance to have my say.”
She closes her lips, pursing them to show her disapproval. I play my winning card. “As soon as you go home, you’ll have the rest of the band wanting to know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. You’ll want to tell them what’s happened, I know you will. And then you’ll spend the time listening to advice thrown at you from all different directions. Come with me, and I’ll let you have space to get things clear in your own mind before you bring in anyone else.”
I pause, throwing a glance in her direction in time to see her nod. Breathing a sigh of relief that she’s not cutting me out completely, or not just yet, I press my foot on the accelerator and the car starts to move. I’ve one destination in mind, and luckily, it’s not too far.
As we turn into the drive way leading to Club Tiacapan, she cries out, “No, Jasim. This isn’t what I want.”
Knowing she thinks I’m going to pressure her through sex, I nip her protests in the bud, “Janna, relax. Trust me. This isn’t what you think.”
“I thought you were taking me to some neutral ground.”
“I am. You didn’t want to go back to your place, or come to mine. I didn’t want to have this dialogue in a crowded restaurant. Trust me.”
She humphs and goes quiet. I park around the back in the almost empty carpark, and bring her around to a side door. Using my key, I open it and step aside so she can precede me. I lead her down some corridors and then into the main room. It looks totally different than it does at night. Lights blaze down illuminating everything, and a small team of cleaners are working hard making sure every crevice is free of dirt and dust, and every piece of equipment is disinfected. Instead of sex and sweat the place smells of polish, instead of the noise of screaming and shouts of ecstasy, the sounds are of the vacuum and quiet conversation. I nod at the staff as we make our way through to the VIP area, and from there to the back stairs.
“It’s different,” she remarks. “It looks so innocent by day.”
I smile my agreement. At the top of the stairway I unlock and open another door. This leads into a small, brightly lit apartment. It’s furnished with a small kitchenette, a sitting/dining area, and another door leads to a bedroom. It’s the flat I use on the nights I don’t want to go home. I’ve never brought another woman here, it’s my own private sanctuary.
She gives me a curious look. “Whose is this?”
“It’s mine.”
“Why didn’t we come here last night, instead of one of the private rooms?”
“Because it’s mine. If I sleep here, I sleep alone. You’re the first woman, apart from the cleaners, who’s ever stepped foot inside.”
“Why?” She sounds puzzled.
I throw myself down on the sofa, stretching out my arm as an invitation for her to join me. “It was never a conscious decision, but it just became my own space. Somewhere I can escape, and if I don’t want to, needn’t be found.”
“You keep it secret?”
“The staff know, of course, and the other owners. But I’ve never brought a sub here.”
“But you’ve brought me.”
“You’re not just my sub. You’re my wife.”
“Not really.” She’s said that before, and the dismissal makes my gut clench.
At last she sits down. When my arm moves down onto her shoulder, she doesn’t resist. After giving her a quick hug, I pull my arm back and sit forward, my elbows on my thighs. I interlock my fingers together. “I forced you into this marriage.”
Looking sideways, I see her head shake. “We were both forced.”
Now I stare at my feet. “That isn’t quite true. I didn’t have to marry you. Just claiming you in front of Fadi could have been enough. Just explaining I’d already taken your innocence.”
She sucks in a breath. “But you said that wouldn’t work?”
Shrugging I tell her, “We could have tried.” At the time, I didn’t understand why I took the more extreme route. Sure, it was the one most guaranteed to work, but it was a big step and commitment. Now I’m realising, even then, I felt more than I’d admitted.
Her eyes narrow, her voice sharpens. “Then, why? I don’t understand.”
I sigh and try to find an excuse she’ll accept. “Kadar and Nijad have long wanted to see me married, to share in the marital bliss that they’d found. And although I didn’t consciously own it right then, something inside me must have wanted that too. I didn’t put up much of an argument before I agreed to their suggestion, and followed it through. Marriage should have been an antipathy for me, instead I went into it with my eyes open, and willingly.”
“Help me here, Jasim. I’m really having difficulty processing this.”
Reaching into my pocket I draw out my wallet, and extract two photographs and hand them to her. As she takes them from me, I know what she’s seeing. They are both pictures of our wedding. One where we’re sharing a kiss, one where we’re looking at each other. And the same expression of desire is on each of our faces.
I tap the second one, “I’ve carried these with me since the day of our wedding.”
She glances at me, her mouth wide open.
“That trip I left on, the day after our marriage. I was already starting to grasp that you were something special. I found it so fucking hard to stay away from you. I returned a day early, as I couldn’t wait to get back. And when I did, I found you gone.” I give it a moment before uttering my next admission. “I was a fool not to follow you back to England.”
She gasps, and her hand covers her lips. “You didn’t let me know. I thought you’d have been happy. It wasn’t meant to be real, Jasim. You told me that enough times.”
“No.” And how I regretted that now. “You’d gone home, and I took that as a sign. Fuck, Janna. I’ve spent all my life running from relationships. Convincing myself getting involved was the last thing I wanted. I forced you into a marriage that you obviously didn’t want, otherwise you wouldn’t have left me that way. I convinced myself I was pleased you’d made the decision, and tried to dismiss my other thoughts as a temporary aberration. I reminded myself I never wanted to tie myself to one woman.”
“Are you saying that’s now changed? Why?” She’s looking confused, and I don’t blame her.
I address her valid question. The answer’s simple. “You.”
“Me?” Her voice rises almost to a squeak. “Why me?”
I gesture around me. “This is a major part of my life, Janna. I started the club as a safe place to play for me, as much as anyone else. A place where I could be myself. Where I could practice my depravity without condemnation, finding likeminded people to play with.”
She snorts a laugh. “If you’re depraved, Jasim, then I must be too. I like what you do. I worry I’d never find another man to satisfy me in the same way. Or at all.”
I grimace. “I’d want to kill any man who even thought to try. You’ll never be in another’s arms ever again, Janna.” As I make my vow, I glance up see her looking confused. “I didn’t think that I could find what I needed in a life partner, a woman whose needs matched mine. And when we met, I thought you’d run as soon as you knew what I am. You’re a dark horse, Janna.”
“And you’re a dark horse too. I didn’t know who, what you were. Just knew how much I was attracted to you. And that I wanted you.”
“You hounded me until I gave in.” I chuckle at the memory of how hard I’d tried to stay away from her. And how unsuccessful I’d been. Now it’s time for full disclosure, “I didn’t need your company last night. Marriages fail all the time. Kadar wouldn’t have been impressed, but I could have concocted some story good enough to satisfy others why ours didn’t work out. But I couldn’t do it. I’d stayed away, but then just couldn’t anymore. As soon as I landed in England, I looked for an excuse to get in touch. And then I played on your better nature to get you to agree to go to the embassy with me.”
She’s biting her lip and doesn’t look convinced. I need to tell her the rest. “I’d have come back sooner, but I was injured. In hospital. I told you I was shot.” At the quizzical rise of her eyebrows I continue, “It was worse than I led you to believe. The bullet went into my back.”
“You said it was nothing. Her eyes narrow, “I didn’t see any injury last night.”
“I didn’t let you see. I kept my clothes on, then fucked you from behind. You couldn’t touch or see the scar.” I don’t really know why, it had seemed important not to play on her sympathy.
“Can I see it now?”
No longer wanting secrets between us, I turn around and raise my shirt. There on my back, the still angry looking scar where the bullet went in. A couple of inches higher it would have gone through my heart. Two inches to the left and it would have shattered my spine. I’d come face to face with my mortality. “I no longer have a spleen. But I’m alive.”
“You’ve told me a little.” She purses her lips. “Tell me the rest, Jasim.”
“When Ryan was injured, I acted like a fool. I’d been trained in the army as a medic. My first reaction was to turn to see to his wound. Hence, when I went to him, they got me in my back. It was my fault we were there, Janna. I insisted on going when Ryan advised me it was too dangerous.”
“He spoke about that to me last night. He said there was no specific threat, just the normal volatility of the region he was warning about.”
“He’s being too generous. That I stuck to my guns and wouldn’t listen got us both wounded. It was all I could think about when I was in hospital. I spent the long days re-evaluating my views on life. That’s when I realized what a fool I’d been to just let you go. And when I knew I had to do everything I could to get you back.”
“Ryan had said you’d grown reckless.”
She’s got a point, “I had. When I returned to the palace and found you were gone, I didn’t understand my reaction, but now it’s clear that I was devastated, and not thinking straight. Even then I was denying you mattered to me. I tried to push you out of my thoughts by throwing myself into everything. It’s down to me Ryan got hurt.”
“If anything, it’s on me.” As my eyes flick to her in astonishment, she continues, “I thought I was making it easy for you. A clean break. You were gone, and I wasn’t sure how I could bear to say goodbye if I’d waited until you returned. We’d have had a few more nights, and then you’d have wanted me to go. And…”
I guess what she’s going to say. “I’m not stupid, well, not all the time,” I smirk at myself, “I know the rest of Anarchy Rules would have put pressure on you.”
“They said you’d return to London.”
“I would have if I could.”
She wipes away a tear. “I wish I’d known you’d been hurt.”
“I came as soon as I was able to.” It had been my heart that had driven me, even though it had taken me almost being fatally injured to realise what was missing from my life. “As soon as I was fit enough, I came back and reached out to you.”
Breaking off, I look down to my fists, bunched tightly together as I struggle to express emotions I had been denying I even owned. “I tried to convince myself I’d be happy with you as just my sub. I still
had a notion I could fuck you out of my system. I’ve been a fool, Janna.”
She touches my hand, the first touch she’s initiated since we left the surgery. “No more than me. I was denying there being any possibility I was pregnant, but I’d have to have admitted it soon. If you hadn’t have reached out to me, I wouldn’t have known what to do, whether to contact you.”
And it’s come around to our current predicament. “I’m over the moon, Janna. Last night, while you were sleeping, I went through every emotion in my head. Fuck, I couldn’t even remember why I’d never wanted a child. To see your belly swell with my seed? I don’t deserve you, or this. But from the depth of my heart I’m now admitting the truth. I came back to see if you’d give our marriage a chance. The fact you’re pregnant is a bonus I don’t deserve. I want you in my life. I want to live with you, be everything for you. I want to be your husband. For real this time.”
She’s biting her lip.
“Spit it out, what’s the matter?” I frown, wondering if, now I’ve laid it on the line, she’s going to tell me it isn’t what she wants.
“You’re older than me. You’re a Dom. You’re controlling. I’ve been controlled and directed all my life. I don’t want to swap one kind of prison for another. I want to have some freedom…”
“I’m a Dom in the bedroom. I won’t control your life outside of it.” How can I explain it to her, “The reason I left Amahad was due to my overbearing father, I needed to get out from under his thumb. I understand your fears only too well, and know exactly how you’re feeling. I promise you, if I ever come on too strong, well, your safeword will work in our everyday life as well as in bed or in the dungeon.”
Her lips turn up at the thought of her safewording out.
“You’ve met Cara and Zoe? Do they seem like they’re cowed? Ruled by their men?”
She grins at this, “Certainly not.”
“They’re both married to Doms. Huh, it runs in the family.” I want her to know I’ll be behind her, encouraging her, not directing her life. “I’ll support you in the band.”
Dark Horses: (Blood Brothers #5) Page 33