Silent tears ran down Lilianna’s cheeks. Brody’s answer wasn’t at all what she’d wanted to hear. But it was true. And that truth hurt.
“What if I’d rather cheer for the underdog? What if I believe that given time and love you’ll become exactly the man I’ve always known you could be?”
“No, Lili. I refuse to let you throw your life away.”
“Okay, well…” She sniffed back a fresh batch of hormonal tears. “For starters, that’s not your decision. And another thing—what if playing it safe by choosing a guy like Trace who’s undeniably kind and financially blessed and smart and even good looking—doesn’t do it for me?”
“Then you need to rethink your position. By anyone’s standards, the suit’s a catch. Even my mom would agree.”
“We’re talking in circles again. The baby’s done and we’ve got another big family day tomorrow. I have to go to bed.”
“I should probably sleep at my apartment.” Her heart couldn’t have tumbled further than if he’d tossed it from the rim of Kodiak Gorge.
“Is that what you want?”
“It’s what’s right.”
“By whose standards?”
“Why do you have to fight me on this?”
“Why can’t you just…”
She stood. Turning her back on Brody, she adjusted her nursing bra and pulled down her top before making a secure pillow nest on the loveseat for the baby. After placing him in it, she stood in front of Brody, pulse pounding hard enough to hear.
“Why can’t I what?” she asked. “Go away? Leave you alone?”
He shook his head.
“Why can’t I fall for a guy I have zero romantic interest in even though you told me to?”
“Please, stop…”
“Stop doing everything short of begging you to—”
Like a big cat who’d been lying in wait, he was suddenly on his feet, sweeping his hand across the bare vee at her chest, up her throat, her jaw and cheek until landing at the back of her head where he applied just enough pressure to pull her toward him. With her breaths choppy and yearning, she met his stare, giving a barely perceptible nod before closing the gap between them, finally, finally pressing her lips to his. She might have been first to land, but he took charge from there.
Framing her face with his hands, he urged her mouth open, slipping her a teasing taste of his tongue, pulling back, playing with her, leaving her hungry, starving for more.
She dragged his T-shirt over his head.
He did the same with her top and bra.
The room was cold and moonlit, but where their bare skin touched glowed white-hot. He ran his hands up and down her arms. “You’re cold. We should stop.”
“Don’t you dare…” She cupped her hands over the hard proof that he wanted her every bit as much as she did him. When she freed him, stroking him, loving his silky feel, he groaned. She reveled in her power—however brief. For it wasn’t long before he once again took charge, giving her a light shove to the sofa.
The cold leather shocked her back, but wherever he licked and nipped warmed her as if they basked beneath a scorching July sun. When he turned his attention her breasts, she shook her head. “My milk…”
“Is natural…” He sucked hard enough for her to feel the draw between her legs. “And beautiful. You’re beautiful. It was your face that got me through Afghanistan. The memory of how we used to laugh and hold hands and that lone kiss. That damned kiss. It tortured me.” He laved her other nipple. “You tortured me. I’ve wanted you forever.”
“Why didn’t you fight for me?”
Pressing open-mouthed kisses to her throat, he groaned. “I wanted to—was going to—but you and Brandon seemed so happy…”
“We were. I loved him so much. But the problem is that I also loved you—in an entirely different way. You might have been identical in looks, but that’s where it ended.”
Kissing her breathless, he slipped his hands beneath the waistband of her PJs and then panties. She was already wet for him, wild for him, and when he inserted his finger, pumping in and out, brushing her sensitive bud with his thumb, to keep from crying out, she bit his lower lip. She came fast and hard and in a brilliant flash of blinding light she had to close her eyes to see.
“I need you inside me.”
“Good, because I need to be there.”
While he momentarily stood to remove his boxers, she wrestled free of her bottoms, relieved when he helped them past her ankles.
“Hurry,” she said, wriggling from all-consuming need.
“I don’t have protection.”
“I don’t care.”
He entered her slowly, cautiously, almost reverently.
“Deeper.” She clutched his behind, forcing him in. “Please.”
“It’s been a while. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I want the hurt. I want to feel—everything.” He pumped and pumped until the outside world faded. The past year faded. Nothing else mattered but finishing the business they’d started so many years ago. He filled her over and over until she felt her soul climbing again, higher and higher until shattering in a devastatingly beautiful release.
Tears flowed, her milk flowed, yet none of that mattered. Nothing mattered save for the fact that Brody had come home. To her. To the baby who would soon be his son.
“I love you.” Her voice was a tremulous whisper.
“I love you.”
“Don’t ever leave me again.”
His silence returned her cold chills.
“Brody? Don’t you dare leave me.”
“I won’t. At least I don’t want to…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Terror once again froze her finally thawed heart.
“Nothing. Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Too late. Let me up…” She wrestled out from under him, snatching up her clothes. What had she done? In a nutshell—handed Brody a gilded invitation to break her fragile heart.
Chapter Fifteen
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH you two?” Brody’s mother asked too damned early Christmas morning. “Usually, you’d have each eaten a half-dozen pancakes by now.”
“They’re delicious,” Lilianna said, careful to avoid making eye contact with him. “Donny kept me up late.” Only a partial lie.
“Was he sick?” his mom asked, joining them at the table.
Brody’s dad sat across from him, shoveling bacon into his mouth as fast as he could chew and swallow.
“No,” Lilianna sipped herbal tea. “Probably just teething.”
“He seems fine now,” Brody’s dad noted. “Think he’s old enough to try at least a crumb of bacon?”
“Let’s give it a couple more months,” Lilianna said.
Breakfast lagged on for second and third cups of coffee. Then his mother insisted on cleaning the kitchen before opening presents.
Brody felt bad that he hadn’t done any shopping. Then he felt worse when his folks presented him with a framed picture of him and Brandon hanging in tandem off the gnarly lip of the east end of Kodiak Gorge’s highest edge. Tanner had taken the shot with a drone.
At that moment, Brody’s every instinct was to run.
He couldn’t take the surge of emotion that seeing his brother’s image evoked.
Excusing himself to go to the bathroom, after locking himself inside, he got so far as to raise the window, planning his escape. He was no good. Ultimately, the buck stopped with him and he’d let Brandon die, just like his SEAL brothers. It didn’t matter that they’d all passed in impossible circumstances beyond his control. He’d been trained to save and that was what he was supposed to have done. When he didn’t—couldn’t—he felt like the ultimate failure.
But then he remembered Leif’s instructions, and he forced himself to drag in slow and easy breaths of cold morning air. And eventually, the panic tightening his chest released its painful grip. And he remembered the previous night, sinking deep inside Lilianna.
So deep he’d forgotten where she began and he ended.
For those precious few moments, they’d been one. A team. A family.
She’d begged him not to leave her again, and because he loved her, and he’d made her a promise he fully intended to keep, he found the courage to close the window and return to his parents, his nephew, and the woman who would hopefully one day be his wife.
“EVER PLANNING ON talking to me again?” Brody asked.
Lilianna ignored his question.
They were on their way home from his parents. Night had long since fallen.
The day had been an endless show of forced smiles and good cheer when all she’d really wanted was a soak in her bedroom’s tub with a book in any other genre but romance. Like when Brandon had first died, she couldn’t bear even reading about another couple being blissfully happy when she was beyond miserable.
“Lili, please. I’ve wanted to talk—really talk—all day. Last night was—wow. It came out of nowhere. I’m sure it was that way for both of us. When you asked me to stay… I was scared. But I’m not anymore.”
“How can I believe you?” She closed her eyes against the glare from an oncoming car.
“Because today, when I opened that photo of my brother, when I went into the bathroom, it was for the express intention of running—I even opened the window to escape. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting any of you again with my failings. But then it dawned on me, that because of you, I no longer have to run. Leif—my counselor—he talks a lot about that famous AA prayer. How does it go?” He tapped the wheel with his fingers. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Pulling up to a stop sign, he took her hand, easing his fingers between hers. She wanted to snatch her hand back, but couldn’t. Not when she’d craved this very thing. “I didn’t know how to say this before—maybe all along it’s just been a feeling. But Lili, you’re my wisdom.”
“I-I want to believe you.” She stared out the window at the twinkling Christmas lights. “More than anything, I want to believe you.”
He raised up in his seat, fishing something from his jeans pocket. When he had whatever he’d been looking for, he fisted it, then pulled the SUV into Pearl’s empty parking lot.
“What are you doing?”
“Something I should have done seconds after our very first kiss.” He opened his palm to reveal a chunk of silver. What in the world?
Gaze narrowed, she took a closer look. “Is that your class ring?”
“Yeah. I want you to have it. But not just yet. I know you’re going to be busy this week getting everything ready for Brandon’s New Year’s Eve tribute. At midnight, I’ll offer it to you again. You can let me know your answer then, okay?”
She nodded.
“Even then, let’s not look at this like a plan to marry next week, but a pledge to take our time getting to know each other all over again.” She wanted to unfasten her seatbelt, crush him in a hug and say yes this very minute, but as a single mom that would be irresponsible. He might have been the one in the past who seemed unstable, but in this instance, he seemed remarkably wise and strong.
“I like that plan,” she said. “But while I’m working on the party, what are you going to do?”
“Go to my office, finally start the work that needs to be done. Not just to the building, but the relationships with my employees that need repairing. I want to get back to work. I want to repay you and the bank.” He took a deep breath, sharply exhaling. “We’ve both got a busy week ahead. But at midnight on New Year’s Eve, I hope you’ll have my answer.”
“I will.”
“Until then,” he placed the car in gear, veering back onto the road, “it’s probably best that I move back into my own apartment. If you need me, holler. Otherwise, I’ll see you in a week.”
The thought of being without him for even that long seemed inconceivable, but if the two of them were meant to be, absence would make their midnight reunion even more memorable.
Chapter Sixteen
BRODY STOOD ALONE in his once thriving adventure tourism company’s office, turning in a slow circle while taking in the damage.
When he’d first entered, a rabbit had leapt from a sofa cushion’s hole.
A roof leak had caused major floor and wall damage. It would take time and money to repair, but that was the least of his problems. Each guy and the one woman on his crew had moved on. He didn’t blame them, but they were a good team and it would be tough finding as capable replacements.
He made a list of needed supplies, then climbed back into his truck for a run to Schlump’s Hardware for supplies. He was lucky to have gotten his truck started—when he’d left, he’d flown to catch his boat—so the Ford had been sitting mostly unused in the garage for a year. Colby told him he’d taken it out every so often so the gas didn’t go jelly, clogging the lines.
Buying a new truck battery was just one more thing to add to his ever-growing to-do list.
The one thing he tried not to think about was Lilianna’s answer.
He assumed she’d say yes, but there was that niggling doubt of what happened should she realize the suit was probably a better long-term option? Or maybe she’d rather remain on her own until another guy came to town? Maybe she’d ultimately decide she was better off on her own?
The more he thought about her and how much he wanted to be the father figure Donny needed, the more his mood soured. He wanted to break his word—not waiting another minute to find out what she was thinking. But that wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
It was a long shot, but he supposed he could be the one backing out. A week was a long time—too long. Anything could happen—a reality he knew all too well.
“A LITTLE TO the left,” Lilianna said to Nugget who was helping with decorations. She’d sent Rose to the office store on a pushpin run.
Nugget shifted the five-by-eight banner with Brandon’s smiling image exactly where she’d directed, then tied it off to the nearest crossbeam.
She hadn’t seen the lodge’s ballroom this decked out since prom.
Back in November, she and Rose had pored over party websites, ordering silver, gold and black metallic streamers, canisters of helium and hundreds of balloons. They’d draped the log walls in shimmering gold lame drapes. The twenty tables had been covered in matching cloths. China and crystal had been rented from a shop in Anchorage. They’d wanted real roses for the centerpieces, but flying them in was cost prohibitive considering the night’s primary goal—beyond ringing in the new year—was to raise enough money to start a college scholarship fund in Brandon’s name. His former medical associates were flying in from all over the state.
Every available room at the lodge and both B & B’s were booked.
She’d arranged for the teen girls in the church choir to run a babysitting service for the night, so even the littlest citizens of Kodiak Gorge would have fun.
A live band and a DJ would perform.
There would be seafood and carved meat stations, chocolate and champagne fountains. An open bar and a dozen varieties of canapes.
The night would be unforgettable.
A secret smile played along her lips.
She couldn’t wait for her midnight reunion with Brody.
Her decision was already made. Was his?
“YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.” New Year’s Eve, Kitty stood back to take in Lilianna’s shimmering gold-sequined gown. Over the sultry sounds of their singer belting out “At Last” Kitty added, “I don’t think I’ve seen you this beautiful since your wedding day. You’re glowing. Is there something I should know?”
“Let the girl have her secrets,” Bob said, making a beeline for the carved brisket.
“Men…” Kitty laughed, then leaned closer. “But seriously, is there something I should know?”
“I’ll never tell.” Lilianna winked before dashing off to greet old friends and new. Waiting for Brody to arrive had her stomach in knots.
The best way to unravel them was to laugh a lot, drink a little and trust in his beautiful promise that he’d never leave her again.
“We did good,” Rose said at half-past eleven. The band was on a break and the DJ played DNCE’s “Cake by the Ocean.” “Everyone’s having a ball and we’ve raised thousands for Brandon’s fund. Want to take a moment to say a few words about him?”
“Yes. Of course.” How could she have forgotten? Probably because it was so late and Brody still wasn’t there. When she’d agreed to meet him at midnight, she hadn’t taken it to mean he literally wouldn’t show until then. She’d wanted to share the entire night with him. She’d put a lot of work into making it extra special. In a way, this tribute was her goodbye to her old life with Brandon and the beginning of her new life with Brody.
Once the song ended, she stepped onto the stage to take the mic. “Sorry for the interruption. I promise I won’t stop the music for long, because I can’t wait to get back to dancing, too.”
Everyone laughed.
“Before our countdown, I wanted to thank each and every one of you who were so important to my husband. Thank you for your contribution to his scholarship fund, but most especially, thank you for your friendship to him and to myself. Brandon was such a special man.” She fought tears. “I don’t have to tell you that were he with us tonight, he’d be the l-life of the party. Hogging the dance floor and making me yell at him for drinking too much scotch.”
More laughs, only this time raspy with tears.
“Let’s raise our glasses and toast Brandon Crawford. You left me—all of us—too soon, and we’ll never forget you. To Brandon!”
“To Brandon!” The sound of hundreds of friends saying his dear name raised goosebumps on her bare arms. Because she literally couldn’t speak past the knot in her throat, she nodded to the DJ who gave the party a much-needed jump by playing, Pharrell Williams’ “Happy.”
Happy New Year, Baby Page 8