by Ramona Gray
Selfish bitch. Always thinking about yourself, just like your mother.
I winced and pushed away that thought. No, if I did this, it was for Knox. He loved me, I knew he did, and hearing his father admit he was wrong, could be what he needed to forgive himself and move on with me.
“Miss? Are you still there?”
I took a deep breath and let it out. “My name is Isabelle.”
Chapter Ten
Knox
I hesitated before rapping sharply on Asher’s front door. I shifted the six pack of beer I was holding to my other hand. I was surprised that Asher had invited me over. Sunday night I’d left his place certain of two things – I had broken Isabelle’s heart and destroyed my friendship with Asher.
When he texted me on Tuesday and asked me to come over Thursday night for dinner, I’d almost dropped my fucking phone. Not wanting to, but unable to help myself, I’d asked if he knew what had happened with Isabelle.
His three worded reply “not my business” was so typical Asher that it brought a smile to my face for the first time in days. After verifying that it would just be me, Asher and Luna at the dinner, I’d agreed to go.
Didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous though. Not because I thought Isabelle would be there, I knew Asher wouldn’t lie to me, but because I wasn’t certain that he wasn’t just luring me over to beat my face in. I had hurt Isabelle badly, and I might have been Ash’s best friend, but she was his baby sister.
The door opened, and I pasted a smile on my face. “Hey, Ash.”
“Hey, come in.”
I followed him into the hallway and handed him the six pack of beer. “I brought refreshments.”
“Thanks.” He was oddly quiet, even for him, and for the first time ever, I could see anxiety on his face. My stomach churned.
Well, shit. I was getting my face beat in.
“So, uh, where’s Luna?” I could hear the nerves in my voice as I followed Asher into the kitchen. “Is she…”
My voice died out and my mouth went dry. Isabelle was sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop in front of her. She gave me a tentative smile as Asher clapped me on the back and left the room.
“Hi, Knox.”
“Hey.” I cleared my throat. “I should go.”
“No, wait. Please. There’s someone I want you to talk with, okay?”
“What do you mean?”
She turned her laptop around and I stared at the man on the screen. He was thinner now, his dark hair turned to silver and new lines on his face, but I recognized my own father. I took a step back, my hands clenching into tight fists. “Dad?”
“Hello, son.”
“What are you – what’s going on?” I glanced at Isabelle who gave me a pleading look.
“Just hear him out, okay?’ She said. “Just listen to what he has to say and -”
I lunged forward and slammed the laptop shut before staring at Isabelle. “What have you done?”
“Honey, just give him a chance to -”
“Did you – did you find my father? Did you contact him and tell him where I was?”
“I-I contacted him, but I haven’t told him where you are. I called him because I was mad, because I hated him for what he’d done to you, and I wanted to tell him what a fuck up he was. Only, he -”
“Why would you do that?” I wanted to throw Isabelle’s laptop across the kitchen. Instead I backed away and shoved my hands into my pockets. “I trusted you. I told you what happened in confidence and you betrayed me.”
She flinched before standing. “Honey, no. I did it because I love you. Your dad has changed. He’s changed, and he wants the chance to say he’s -”
“He’ll never change!” I shouted. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done, Isabelle? Do you? I’ve spent the last fifteen years trying to forget, trying to move on with my life, and then you bring the monster back into my world.”
“You’re not moving on,” she said. “That’s the problem, Knox. You’re not living your life. You’re stuck in this awful place because -”
“Because of what he,” I pointed at the laptop, “said and did to me! I’m like this because of him! My mother changed our name and moved me halfway across the fucking country to get away from him, and you think it’s just fine to invite him back into my life? Like I don’t get a fucking say in it at all?”
Her face paled. “I’m trying to help you, honey.”
“No,” I said. “You’re trying to help yourself. You want the perfect life with me, and you think if you push hard enough, if you just do whatever the hell it is that you want, that I’ll bend to your will and go along with it.”
“No! Knox, that isn’t what I want. I want you to be happy and your father -”
“He’s a monster who fucked up my life, you said it yourself, Isabelle. I don’t know why the fuck you thought this was a good idea, but stay out of my life. Don’t ever talk to me again. Don’t even look at me when you see me on the goddamn street. In fact, do everyone in town a favour and move back to Florida.”
I turned and shoved my way past Asher who was standing in the hallway.
“Knox…”
“Don’t! You fucking lied to me, you dickhead,” I shouted before storming out of the house.
* * *
“Well, you look like shit.”
“It’s good to see you too, Mom.”
My mother pushed past me and dug in the pocket of her jacket. She handed a dog treat to Max who was wiggling excitedly in the hallway. He took it from her and she patted his head.
“This isn’t a good time. Can we talk later?” I asked.
“No.” She walked into the kitchen, and I groaned and shut the front door before following her.
She hung her jacket over the chair and filled the kettle with water before setting it on the stove. I sunk into a chair, my head pounding from the lack of sleep and watched as she made us both cups of tea.
“Thanks.” I sipped at the steaming liquid as Mom eyed me.
“Are you hungover?”
“No. You know I don’t get drunk. Ever.”
“Why are your eyes so red?”
I shrugged. “Didn’t sleep much last night.”
“Did you sleep at all?”
“Why?”
“Because I need to have a serious conversation with you and I need you to pay attention.”
“I’m fine. Say what you came to say.” I sipped more tea.
“I spoke with Isabelle this morning.”
I muttered a curse. “I told her to stay out of my life.”
“She did. I went to her and made her tell me what happened after Asher came to see me.”
“Ash came to see you?”
She frowned at me. “Yes. Why are you so surprised by that? He’s your best friend, and he’s worried about you.”
I didn’t reply, and mom blew on her tea before taking a drink. “Isabelle told me everything that happened.”
“So you know how badly she fucked up.”
My mother scowled at me. “You know I hate it when you curse, Knox.”
“Sorry.”
“I know that she tried to help you.”
“Going behind my back, contacting dad, and trying to force me to talk to him isn’t helping.”
“Maybe her methods were unconventional, but can you blame the poor girl? She’s been in love with you for most of her life, and she was trying to help you and save your relationship.”
“Are you seriously on her side?” I gave my mother a hurt look.
She reached out and took my hand, squeezing it hard. “I will always be on your side. You know that. I love you and I want what’s best for you, and Isabelle is what’s best for you.”
“I can’t forgive her for this. She-she betrayed me.”
“No, she did a stupid thing to try and help the man she loved. We’ve all done stupid things, Knox. I spent four years watching your father tear you down, hurt you, make you feel awful. Four years I let him fill you
up with guilt and remorse and pain because I loved him. I loved him, and I thought I could fix things.”
“You couldn’t.”
“No, I couldn’t, not in this case. But I still tried. It was a mistake because it hurt you so badly and as a mother, I will always carry the burden of failing you.”
“You didn’t fail me,” I said. “You saved me. If you hadn’t divorced dad and taken me away…”
“Isabelle loves you and she wants to be with you. You love her too. Your belief that you will hurt her, that you’re toxic, is so very wrong, kiddo. I know you can’t see that because there’s been too much damage done by your dad. Which is why you need to talk to him.”
I twitched wildly, spilling tea on my hand. I wiped it on my shirt as I stared at my mother. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.” She touched the cuff of her shirt sleeve. “I spoke with him earlier today.”
My jaw dropped, and I leaned forward. “You spoke with dad.”
“Yes. I got his number from Isabelle and I called him.”
“What did he say?”
“He made his amends to me. Now, I think you need to hear what he has to say.”
I stared at my shaking hands. “I don’t know if I can talk to him.”
“I know it’s hard,” my mother gave me a sympathetic look, “but if you want to move on with your life, if you want to find happiness with Isabelle, you need to try, sweetie.”
“Do you still love him?”
My mother shook her head. “No. I won’t ever love him the way I did. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and forgive him. He is truly remorseful for what he did, and he’s spent the last decade trying to find us so that he can say he’s sorry. He’s changed, honey. He quit drinking and went into rehab about two years after we left. He’s been sober ever since. He sounded like the man that he used to be.”
“What if he asks for more? What if he wants to see me or-or wants me to spend time with him?”
“Maybe eventually he’ll ask for that, but it’ll be your choice whether you let him back into your life that way. But for now, all he wants is to say he’s sorry.”
“Do you promise?” I felt and sounded like the scared kid I once was, and I hated it, but I needed to hear her say it.
“I promise, Knox.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, okay. Call him.”
She smiled at me and pulled her phone out. She called his number and handed the phone to me. My hand was shaking, but I held it to my ear and didn’t flinch when he answered.
“Ellen, hi. I didn’t expect to hear back from you so soon.”
“It’s not mom. It’s me.”
There was a moment of silence and then my father said, “Knox, it’s good to hear your voice.”
I didn’t reply, and he said, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Knox. I’m sorry for what I said and how I treated you. You didn’t deserve it, and I was so wrong to hurt you the way I did. What happened with your grandmother was an accident, and it was my fault for expecting you to look after her. You were only a child and it wasn’t fair of me to put that on you. Your grandmother didn’t die because of you. She died because she was an alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic too, and I’ve hurt the people I love most because of it. I love you and I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he replied. “You don’t have to forgive me, and you don’t have to let me into your life again. This is just me wanting to say that I am so very sorry and that I have never stopped loving you. You are my son and I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”
“It was good to talk to you, Knox. Thank you for talking to me.”
I hesitated. “Maybe I’ll give you a call in a week or so.”
“I’d really like that.” My father’s voice had grown hoarse.
“Okay, well, bye.”
“Bye, Knox.”
I disconnected the call and set the phone on the table.
“Do you feel better?”
I stared at my mother. “I do.”
I wasn’t lying. For the first time in years, I felt weightless. I felt…free. My mother had told me repeatedly that what happened was an accident and it wasn’t my fault, but hearing my father say it, had changed something fundamental inside of me. Something that I had known was terribly wrong but was helpless to fix.
I didn’t realize I was crying until my mother stood and walked over to me. She lifted my head and wiped away my tears with her thumbs. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”
I buried my face against her stomach and let her rock me like she did when I was a child.
Chapter Eleven
Isabelle
“What can I get you? How about some tea? Or maybe a cookie?” Luna sat down on the couch and put her arm around me.
I shook my head. “I’m fine, Luna.”
“You’re not fine. You didn’t go to work yesterday or today, and the only reason you got out of bed was because Ash threatened to throw a bucket of water on you.
I rearranged the nest of blankets around me on the couch and hunched further into them. “I want to be left alone.”
“Do you?” Luna eyed me. “Or is this a situation where I’m supposed to take you out and get you drunk? Because I’ll call Claire and get her to be our designated driver for the night.”
I shook my head. Just the thought of being drunk made me nauseous. “No, I really do want to be alone. Where’s Ash?”
“He had an errand to run. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.” Luna hugged me tight. “I’m worried about you, sweetie.”
“I’m just,” I swallowed down the lump in my throat, “sad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s all my fault. I ruined whatever chance I had with Knox when I contacted his father. I shouldn’t have done that, but I just wanted to be with him so bad that I…I made a terrible decision.”
“Everyone makes mistakes.”
“I hurt him so much.”
“You didn’t mean to.”
“What if I – what if I really am turning into my mother?” I gave Luna a scared look and she pressed a kiss against my forehead.
“I only know what Ash has told me about your mom, but you don’t sound like you’re turning into her.”
“She wasn’t good at minding her own business. Always pressuring my dad to tell him everything, then not believing him when he did tell her stuff.”
“Like I said, that doesn’t sound like you.”
“I didn’t mind my own business with Knox and look what happened. I made him hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Isabelle.”
Knox’s low voice made me gasp. I stared at the doorway where he was standing with Asher.
“Honey? What’s going on?” Luna asked.
“Come with me, Sunshine.” Asher held out his hand.
Luna glanced at me. “Isabelle, do you need me to stay?”
“No,” I said.
Luna jumped off the couch and walked to Asher. He took her hand and they left the living room. Knox gave me a crooked smile. “Can I sit beside you?”
“Uh, sure.” I shuffled my nest of blankets over and had to do my best not to lean against Knox. I wanted to. God, did I want to. He looked so good, a little tired maybe, but good. Being away from him was a constant ache in my stomach.
“How are you?” He asked. He was eyeing my hair and I groaned inwardly. I hadn’t showered in two days, and my hair was a rat’s nest on top of my head.
“Other than wishing I hadn’t destroyed your life, I guess I’m fine. I have apparently given up on showering, so you might not want to sit too close.”
He leaned in and inhaled before shrugging. “You smell good to me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as tears started to run down my cheeks. “I’m so very sorry, Knox. I should never have contacted your dad, I should never have tried to force you to talk to him
the way I did. I know how selfish I was, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fix -”
“Baby, stop.” Knox reached into the blankets and took my hand. “It’s all right.”
“It isn’t.” I was sobbing now, and he yanked the blankets down and lifted me into his lap. I hated that I was making him feel sorry for me, but it didn’t stop me from clinging to him and burying my face in his neck.
“Don’t cry, sweet Isabelle. I love you. Please don’t cry.”
I stiffened in his lap before sitting up and using my shirt sleeve to wipe my face. “What did you say?”
“I love you.”
“You love me.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He gave me that sweet Knox smile. “Because you’re amazing and sweet and loyal, and you love me.”
“I hurt you.”
“Yeah, but you had good intentions. I talked to my father this afternoon.”
I almost fell off his lap. He grabbed me around the waist as I said, “You what?”
“I talked to him. My mom came by and we talked, and then I called him.”
“How did it go?”
“Okay, I think. He said he was sorry. I might call him again in a couple of weeks.”
“Do you – do you feel better?”
He smiled at me. “My mom asked me the same thing. I do feel better. Not perfect, but better, you know? Like maybe I could live my life with the woman I love without worrying I’m going to destroy her life.”
“Well,” I hesitated, “that’s great.”
He laughed and kissed my neck. “I’m talking about you, Isabelle. You are the woman I love and want to spend my life with.”
Relief flooded my entire body and I pressed kisses all over his face. “I love you, Knox. I’m sorry, and I love you.”
“I’m sorry for what I said to you when you tried to help me.”
I shook my head. “You were right to say those things.”
“I wasn’t.” He cupped my head. “Hey, what do you think about moving in with me this weekend?”
I blinked at him. “I – are you serious?”