SEEING IT IN ACTION:
SCENARIO 1: You see a man in his seventies or eighties moving slowly up a steep hill while walking his dog. There might be a couple of things you can think:
•Oh, that poor guy is walking with a cane, so slowly. It must be hard that it takes so long to get anywhere. I feel so sorry for him.
OR
•Wow, this guy is inspiring. This is a tough hill—I hope I can be like him when I get older.
SCENARIO 2: You’re at a neighborhood party, where typically everyone is coupled up, their kids at home with a sitter. A new neighbor shows up, who’s recently widowed. She heads over to the makeshift wine bar and pours herself some sauvignon blanc. You have some options on what to think:
•Pity her for being alone, without a spouse.
OR
•Feel interested and admire her for her bravery, recalling an instance when, say, you were a chickenshit coward and didn’t come to this party last year because your husband, Tim, was out of town. Feeling inspired by her gumption, you surmise that she’s pretty badass, and maybe you even approach her. Not because you’re doing her any special favors, but because you respect her choice, you think she’s probably pretty cool, and you sympathize with how it feels to come to a party alone.
HOW ARE COMPASSION AND EMPATHY DIFFERENT?
The difference between compassion and empathy may seem irrelevant when deciding on whether or not to take a casserole to your sick neighbor. But they are different concepts, and it can be useful to understand the distinction when attempting to cultivate either or both.
We’ll spare you the scholarly debates about the difference between compassion and empathy and give you our conclusion.
We consider compassion to be the heart’s natural, instinctive response to the pain of others. It’s most likely to occur when you encounter a person in a difficult situation very similar to one you have suffered. You know what it felt like when your husband left you, so you naturally feel compassion for your coworker when the same thing happens to her. Empathy is when you use your imagination to expand your ability to feel compassion for people in situations beyond those you have experienced, maybe even in situations completely different from those you have known. It’s a useful mental tool for developing more compassion.
COMPASSION = NOTICE, Feel, RESPOND
EMPATHY = COMPASSION + IMAGINATION
Here’s an example that might help to make the distinction clear. Imagine that, like Kelsey, you’re a breast cancer survivor. Survivors often hear, both directly and indirectly, that they shouldn’t worry about recurrence or be afraid of their disease, because with the current treatments available, “breast cancer isn’t as serious as it used to be.” As a survivor, you dread hearing this, because it diminishes your very real, very scary experience. To you, these fears are more than valid.
Now imagine that you, the breast cancer survivor, are talking with your friend who’s getting divorced. This friend is afraid that at age fifty, she’ll never find love again. But your fifty-year-old cousin is fighting men off with a stick. Celebrity magazines are full of women who are dating younger men. And remember Samantha on Sex and the City? Guys everywhere. Plus, your friend is a great catch. So you feel pretty strongly that her fears are unwarranted and maybe even a little irrational. In fact, you’re kind of annoyed at having to tend to her feelings of worry, and instead of comforting her, you just want to tell her to stop freaking out about it, because she’s going to be fine.
In this example, it’s easy for you to feel compassion for your fellow breast cancer survivors’ fears of recurrence, but you don’t have a lot of compassion for your divorcing friend’s fears that she’ll be alone forever. It’s one thing to feel for someone who is in a similar situation to us—that’s compassion. But feeling for someone in a different situation requires empathy. Empathy is the ability to extract the core experience of a situation we know, which, in this case, is about fear of the worst-case scenario, and then to use that information to imagine and feel what it might be like to be in a situation that appears entirely different. And the more we practice empathy, the easier it is to access feelings of compassion for people in situations that appear far different from our own.
EMPATHY WORKOUT:
FROM COMPASSION TO EMPATHY
Here, you can practice using your experience with one kind of situation to imagine how it might feel to go through a seemingly entirely different experience.
Think about three really tough situations you have been through. Could be miscarriage, loss, illness, a breakup, you name it.
Now, think about three other situations that you maybe have not personally experienced. Could be infertility, divorce, loss of a job, or something very specific going on for someone you know right now.
What might the situation you’ve directly experienced have in common with the one that you haven’t? Pair them up, and consider these prompts to help you get specific:
•Loss of community
•Fear and emotional overwhelm
•Loss of identity
•Shame
•Financial difficulty
The more we employ our empathic imagination, the more we are able to notice and appreciate other people’s suffering. We don’t need to walk a mile in another person’s shoes to realize when another human being needs support. We simply use our power to notice, feel, respond, and imagine what someone might be going through.
TRUST: IF YOU CARE, YOUR CARE BELONGS.
Most of us recognize that caring is important, yet we still question: Does the suffering person even care that I care? And even more vexing: Would the suffering, grieving, freaked-out person feel like my support is butting in? Chances are, you have wrestled with questions like the following:
•A neighbor’s spouse died. You don’t know his name, but you greet and chitchat with him. Should you say anything?
•An old friend from twenty years ago has been diagnosed with cancer. Do you reach out?
•A colleague you admire just got fired. What can you do to show your support without embarrassing him?
•Your good friend had a miscarriage. How do you know if she wants to talk about it?
•Your friend whom you haven’t seen in twenty years just posted on Facebook that he’s struggling with getting divorced. Do you write anything?
There is no algorithm that can exactly specify who is “qualified” to reach out and when. However, it’s safe to say that no matter what your relationship is to someone in a difficult time, the “appropriateness” of your overture is in great part determined by the values you bring to it.
Think about the things that have made you cringe when others have approached you in a time of suffering. The bad moments almost always boil down to you having to deal with people’s reactions to your situation.
ONE THING MANY OF US LEARN, WITH A LOT OF TEARS AND REGRET, IS THAT:
WE CAN’T TRUST OUR PAIN AND FEARS WITH EVERYONE.
A lot of us can be judgmental. And a lot of times that’s okay. Our opinions are a source of personality. Compassion should not make you vapid. But when it comes to the people around us who are vulnerable, being too judgey about people’s pain will make people feel less secure in sharing their personal problems.
To help you feel like you are a trustworthy person with someone’s vulnerability, consider the following:
•Each time I judge or gossip about someone’s pain, anyone who witnesses that will be less likely to entrust me with their pain.
•Each time I connect with others by judging someone else’s pain, I collude with people who likely can’t hang with my pain.
To help you overcome that judgmental attitude that can creep up on all of us—especially when exasperated, wanting to fill up airtime, or just being plain thoughtless (it happens)—we recommend these three mantras:
•I will look at people’s personal difficulty with compassion and empathy.
•I will not judge people for their personal difficulty.
•I will not gossip about people’s personal difficulty.
COMPASSION’S F-WORDS: FOIST AND FRET
The best of values that we bring to helping doesn’t prevent some of us from being a tad bit annoying in how we help. To anyone who has seen the “always look for the helpers” quote from Mr. Rogers online, this observation may sound like blasphemy.
But there’s a big difference between people who are kind and helpful (which is who Fred Rogers is talking about) and “chronic helpers.” Chronic helpers might be looking to use someone else’s needy situation to improve their self-worth. If our desire to help is motivated by insecurity, as described on this page, then being the “perfect helper” might be a tempting accolade to pursue. Two tendencies most exhibit the “needy” helper that lies within many of us:
FOISTER:
Someone who pushes themselves onto someone in their difficult time with a lot of advice and unappreciated overtures.
FRETTER:
Someone who anxiously reacts with neediness around someone in their difficult time.
YOU DON’T WANT A PERSON IN PAIN TO FEEL OBLIGATED BY YOUR OVERTURES, JUST SUPPORTED BY THEM.
Both the Fretter and Foister place a lot of emphasis on their own helping abilities. But while Foisters are narcissistic—that is, unable to see the needs of the suffering person—and are largely concerned with their own opinions and agendas, Fretters are acutely attuned to the facial expressions and emotions of people who are in pain. They just feel incapable of helping them through it without a lot of assurance that they’re doing a great job.
You might recognize yourself as a Fretter if you find yourself asking a lot of very specific questions of the person in need about how to help, and asking for assurance on how you are already helpful. Don’t be surprised if you, a reader of this very kind of book, find yourself identifying with this tendency—both of us do, too.
You might recognize yourself as a Foister if you tend to feel that others are ungrateful for your help. You might feel offended by people not taking your well-meaning advice or following up on resources that you provided, or feel unappreciated when people in crisis are not texting or phoning you back. You might notice that people shut down, stop sharing feelings with you, and possibly avoid you.
Many of us are Fretters or Foisters—it’s good to want to give effective care to our loved ones. So don’t feel bad if you recognize either of these tendencies in your help. But if you want to do things a little differently—and likely more effectively—here are some options:
INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
“Why didn’t you tell me?” “I am so sorry. How are you?”
FOISTER “I really think you’d feel better if you came to the annual family picnic. Don’t let all those babies get to you. Maybe it will even boost your fertility levels.” “Since being around kids is so hard right now, but it’s really important that you be a part of this, would you want to help me decorate the place beforehand?”
“Don’t be such a downer. You should come out with us. It will be fun. This will be good for you.” “If you’re not up for socializing, can I come by with a trashy movie and we can just not talk much?”
“I called you yesterday and didn’t hear back from you. I just need you to phone me and let me know that everything is all right.” “I’m just leaving you a message (text, email) to say hello. No need to call me back.”
“I didn’t hear back from you. Did you get my package?” Try not mentioning the package and just presume it arrived.
FRETTER “I wanted to get you a pair of slippers for the hospital, but I didn’t know what color you’d like, or if wool was okay. Is it okay that I didn’t get you anything? Or can I get you something else?” Buy the slippers and hope the thought itself is appreciated. You don’t care if they wind up in the hands of someone else at Goodwill.
“I was hoping to get you a gift certificate from a local restaurant. What’s the nearest one to you? Do they deliver? How much should it be for?” Look up the important information, don’t sweat the details, and just send the certificate. (But be clear on any diet restrictions first.)
TRUST: SOMETIMES, WE DON’T CARE. NOT ENOUGH, ANYWAY.
It’s true. As we mentioned earlier in the example of Emily and her neighbor, the new parent, sometimes we’re not affected by someone’s hardship enough to inconvenience ourselves for them. We couldn’t go on with the daily routines of our lives if we reached out to every person with a hint of suffering in our day. That’s normal.
Sometimes we care, but for the wrong reasons, like when there’s a tiny bit of satisfaction in witnessing someone else’s downfall, or when we just want details for the sake of knowing them. Such situations are not nice, but none of us is nice all the time. It’s just important that we know when we’re not feeling like doing the right thing, and in those cases it’s best to stay away from the situation.
If, on the other hand, you’ve always felt for your neighbor Suzie, for example, who never sweated through her yoga pants, always kept her kids in matching outfits, and managed a high-powered career—yet often seemed a bit unhappy and pressed to be perfect—you may find yourself deeply caring when her life unravels in divorce. Maybe because you’ve been there yourself, when you lost your job and learned that nothing in life is like it’s supposed to be, and what it feels like to publicly “fail.” Well, then, maybe you can reach out. Even if you’re “just” a neighbor, you’re actually more than that. You’re someone who genuinely cares, so trust that.
TRUST IN COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF.
We all benefit from feeling more compassion for others. There are exceptions, however. And that’s why in Kelsey’s Empathy Bootcamps, there is considerable discussion on how much help we can actually give.
Three instances should give us pause before diving in to help someone else:
1.SOMETIMES LIFE GETS IN THE WAY, AND CRISES OFTEN HAPPEN AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT TIMES.
Your work colleague finds out she has cancer right before a major product launch. Your best friend’s relationship is crumbling when you have a major deadline. Just when it feels extra challenging to take care of ourselves, we’re sometimes called upon to take care of others. And when we’re stressed, research shows we are less likely to feel empathy for other people.
2.THE PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT IS ACTUALLY REALLY HARD TO CARE FOR.
Their issues, like with major mental illness, addiction, and dementia, for example, are way more emotionally and financially demanding than you, a normal human being, can handle.
3.THERE ARE PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES WHO ARE TAKERS, WHO WILL ALWAYS WANT MORE THAN WE CAN REASONABLY GIVE.
They are, as personal development author Mark Manson calls them, “emotional vampires,” people who have no filter on their emotions for even the smallest of life’s grievances. They are always wronged, always disappointed in others, and they are really hard people to give to.
In these moments, show compassion for yourself. Recognize that maybe you (a) can’t do it all, or (b) don’t want to do it all. Not because you hate being inconvenienced (since helping others will always be at least a tad inconvenient), but because you recognize you can’t give without feeling depleted and, thus, resentful. Use the following cues to help guide your caring actions for others, and your caring actions for yourself.
•NOTICE WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE OF YOU.
Your irritation might not be the result of any real demands of the suffering person. They may have asked for nothing at all. It might simply be about the current level of stress you feel in your own life.
•TAKE A MOMENT TO NOTICE YOUR STRESS.
Is it impacting your empathy? A few deep breaths can de-escalate your stress-induced irritation at someone else’s suffering.
•TAKE A MOMENT FOR SELF-INVENTORY.
What do I feel prepared to do for this person? Recognize that this notion can change over time. What do I feel obligated to do for this person versus what I want to do for this person? And practice th
is mind-set: I am not obliged to do this. I want to do this.
•TAKE A L00K AT CHAPTER 5.
We describe ways to limit the pressure of what you feel you should do and give you ways to think about what you can do—easily, and without undue stress.
If you want to be there for others to honor or maybe even deepen your relationships, consider how to offer a level of support that will help you do those things. However, you should also feel entitled to set limits on caring for people. It’s perfectly reasonable to recognize that you can’t give everything that you think you should give. What’s more, you can’t always give what others think you should give.
There are people in our lives with really big, chronic problems. Addiction, severe mental illness, dementia, you name it. When there is deep love for people who are in deep pain, our natural instinct is to want to fix it, no matter at what personal cost. For years I struggled with the competing feelings of guilt, love, and anger that had me questioning every day what I could do to help my mother who had severe mental illness. Our book can’t adequately help you deal with this level of crisis. We can only acknowledge the real difficulty of your situation. To help you figure out a way forward, try seeking out help from professionals. A lifesaver for me, a self-proclaimed nonjoiner, was joining a support group for people who shared my situation. I found understanding and much needed forgiveness for fumbling in a less-than-perfect (oftentimes horrible) situation.
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