WHEN YOUR OFFER ISN’T ACCEPTED
A lot of times, we do offer to help, and it isn’t accepted. This may be because:
1.The offer isn’t specific enough;
2.The need isn’t there at that time, but could very well be at some point in the future; or
3.The need was never really there, nor will it ever be.
To solve the first problem, you can just make your offer more specific. For example:
•“On Thursdays, I’m free and can do any kind of errands you might need for two hours.”
•“I have a second car I never use; if you need one for out-of-town guests, I’d be happy to loan it.”
If a person doesn’t accept your offer the first time you make it, you can reoffer a few more times (but no more than that) over several days, or weeks, or months, and see what happens.
HEY, LISTEN:
Your offer may not be needed right now, and that’s just fine.
When I went through my breast cancer treatment, one offer—for help with child care for two-year-old Georgia—came three times over three months. Each and every time, my husband, Mike, and I declined, because we hadn’t hung out with that family in over a year, and Georgia didn’t enjoy being with families she didn’t know well. But that we didn’t need that child care didn’t matter—the mere offer, repeated as it was, gave us a tremendous sense of feeling cared for. The thought really counted because it was an offer of tangible relief.
It may also be the case that you made your gesture and never heard about how it was received. And you know what? Not getting a thank-you note in these situations is completely normal. If you need convincing, consider this: Kelsey’s organization, Help Each Other Out, put together public art exhibits on “Being There” in San Francisco and New York that featured portraits of people in a difficult time, along with their stories of a gesture that helped get them through it. The portraits and stories were displayed in neighborhood corridors in store windows that stretched over many blocks. So clearly, these gestures were meaningful. However, more times than not, the people who had done these gestures had never been thanked by the people who were so clearly comforted by them. Because when you are in grief, or freaked out and scared, you often don’t write thank-you notes.
EMPATHY TIP: The sick, grieving, or freaked-out person always gets a pass. Always offer up your gift with a “No need to write a thank-you.” And mean it.
OFFER YOUR GIFT WITH JOY (FOR REAL.)
A major, common fear held by those in crisis is that they’re becoming a burden. Relieving them of this fear is simple:
•Practice a moment of gratitude that you have this opportunity to be of service to someone in your life.
•Make no mention of any sacrifices (like change in schedule or financial cost) you might have made for this supportive gesture to happen.
•Try to offer what you can before the person even asks for it in a matter-of-fact, happy-to-do-it kind of way. If they ask for your help, respond with saying how it would actually be a pleasure for you to do it (because remember, a person in need fears being a burden). For example: “Not at all, it’s no problem . . . Doing somebody else’s housework is a good excuse to get me away from the kids”; “I’m going to the store anyway, so what can I get you?”; “Walking the dog will get me outside”; “I’ve been dying to hang out with your daughter Suzie”; “Oh great, I finally get to try out that new lasagna recipe.”
•If something is being asked of you that you can’t do, come up with something else on the Empathy Menu that you can do instead. Maybe the person won’t need it, but at least they know you are serious about trying to help and may enlist your service in the future.
EMPATHY TIP: We all have moments where we can’t follow through or even forget a commitment we made. It happens. But when someone is in their time of difficulty, they are feeling extra sensitive and are depending on you. In these times, when you don’t follow through, it hurts. So, do what you can to make your offer happen, and give plenty of notice when you can’t.
WHEN DISCRETION IS A FACTOR
People might want some kinds of news handled with more discretion than others. Given that we live in the age of social media shares, and our culture is more open than ever about a range of life’s hard times, it can be difficult to imagine that someone might not want many people to know what’s going on. For some people, and likely with some issues more than others, there are concerns around (1) privacy, (2) fear, and (3) plain old healthy denial. All these factors mean that discretion should always be a consideration.
PRIVACY
Some issues feel more private to people than others:
•INFERTILITY The numerous ups and downs and uncertainties, the private nature of the endeavor, and the judgmental responses this issue often elicits can mean that this experience is not one shared among a wide circle. For people with a really interested, emotionally aware, and inquisitive group of friends, it’s possible they may feel others are asking too much about their experience. For others, who never get asked, infertility is incredibly isolating. In general, unless you are very close, don’t expect to ask about it, unless she brings it up with you first. If you are close, ask occasionally—not every time you see her—and be really open to cues about whether to press for more information.
•MISCARRIAGE This very painful loss can often be kept private out of choice, when it is too hard to mention the grief out loud. Or because of stigma when women fear judgment about why the miscarriage happened. People can also remain silent about their miscarriage to keep baby-making plans quiet from bosses and colleagues, or from parents who are craving that first grandchild, or anxious friends who want to start buying up little baby hats.
IF SHE TOLD YOU SHE WAS PREGNANT, YOU CAN (AND SHOULD) REACH OUT. BUT OTHERWISE, IT’S NOT CRITICAL TO DO SO.
•LOSS OF A JOB There is reputational damage to being fired, and often some significant shame in the perceived rejection. Casually reaching out with news, “I heard you were fired,” can cause panic about gossip. However, if you want to reach out because you want to tell someone they did a great job, they really need to hear that. Just do so with tact:
“I HEARD YOU AREN’T WORKING FOR ________ ANYMORE. I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW MUCH I ADMIRED THE WORK YOU DID THERE.”
•ILLNESS People may keep their illness private so they don’t have to deal with other people’s reactions, which often involve an unwanted opinion or an emotional response that the sick person feels obligated to manage. If the illness is somewhat chronic, people’s feelings can change about how much to disclose; sometimes, they may feel like sharing more than other times. At work, news of an illness might jeopardize a job or chances at a promotion. For some, keeping the news of their illness quiet in the workplace and other social settings helps them feel “normal” without the disease taking over their identity. Look for cues about how someone says they want to handle their situation; often you will notice if they feel fairly public about it, or they’ll give some indication that they’d rather keep things quiet.
•DIVORCE Divorce not only impacts a couple, but that couple’s circle of family and friends, meaning the news of a split often unleashes a wave of opinions and theories from anyone who’s ever met the involved parties. It’s not uncommon for those exiting their marriage to want a good handle on their situation before sharing it with others. What’s more, some kinds of workplaces and religious groups may frown upon divorce, creating fear about being a source of speculation and gossip until the person feels ready to manage it. If someone is deliberating over decisions and you want to be a close confidant, just listen—and work very hard to not weigh in. If you aren’t close, but you have a long-standing relationship, and the news of the divorce has been made public, you can reach out to express your overall admiration for a person in what might be a hard time. However, make sure you don’t sound like you’re fishing for gossip by asking “why” it happened, and be open to hearing how a person is doing with their situation.
IN GENERAL, REACHING OUT TO THE GRIEVER IN SOME WAY, If YOU CARE, IS USUALLY APPRECIATED.
FEAR AND OVERWHELM
Finding out that your child has a disability? Hearing the news of your own terrible diagnosis? Unexpectedly discovering that your partner is filing for divorce? All these situations can cause shock, fear, and a sense of being completely overwhelmed, and these feelings are another reason people might want their situation handled discreetly. Just saying out loud that the scary situation is happening can make it more “real” than someone wants it to be.
“We decided not to share the news beyond my husband’s immediate family and best friend. A few months later, he shared his illness more broadly, and there were some who expressed dismay that they weren’t told sooner. What they didn’t seem to understand was how hard, scary, and very personal it was for the person with a life-threatening illness to have to tell others what’s going on.”
—Valerie, whose husband had cancer
It is not uncommon in these situations for a person to appoint a communications guru (see the Empathy Menu on this page) who can communicate the details of a particular situation and serve as a kind of project manager, fielding questions and offers of assistance. (So if you’re a communications-friendly person, feel free to volunteer that service.)
HEY, LISTEN:
When people share their vulnerability with us, it’s a sign of trust and friendship. So it’s natural that when a friend presents their difficult news, after figuring it out without you, that you want to ask “Why didn’t you tell me?” But in some situations, it’s just too hard or scary for the person in a difficult time to talk about it. Instead of focusing on what that person didn’t do, focus on how you can be of support now. If your friend has a general pattern of holding back vulnerability and it’s hard for you, you can address it at some later time, just not around the time of crisis.
HEALTHY DENIAL
Not everyone chooses to “deal” with their issue by sharing, talking, or processing it.
This may not be your chosen method, but some people find engaging around a devastating issue simply too distracting from their career, their family, their lives. Author Jackie Collins, who battled stage 4 cancer while still publishing books, said: “I didn’t want sympathy. Sympathy can weaken you.” You may not agree with this choice, but in most cases, it’s not your job to change that.
YOU CAN’T ALWAYS KNOW AHEAD OF TIME HOW SOMEONE WANTS NEWS OF THEIR DIFFICULT TIME HANDLED.
How to navigate between respecting someone’s privacy and simply not showing up? There is no rule, other than the rule of thumb we’ve both chosen to live by:
IF YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN OFFERING TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE CARE,
WE WOULD CHOOSE TOO MUCH.
That said, pay attention to cues and consider the following:
•Respect it when someone doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on.
•Ask people in the person’s inner circle if they have an inkling of how someone wants the news handled.
•Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues, if you can.
•Be aware of how you would want the news handled yourself.
•If you believe privacy is a core concern, yet you feel strongly about reaching out, do so discreetly.
And finally:
LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOUR EMPATHY MISTAKES.
If you overstep your concern in one person’s case, you have not failed at empathy. You are still great at empathy—it just wasn’t what that person wanted right then. It happens to everyone. But in most cases, your efforts at outreach will be appreciated. So take the risk, unless someone explicitly tells you otherwise.
WHEN SHOULD I REACH OUT?
The best time to reach out depends on your relationship to a person, and the nature of the hard time. There is no hard-and-fast rule, but the following are some general guidelines.
If you are very close to the person:
•If the person reached out to you, make contact IMMEDIATELY by phone, and then in person if possible.
•If you’ve heard the news through someone else, it’s best to contact the person by text or email in THE FIRST FEW DAYS. Follow up with a call and leave a voice mail.
•Make sure to visit the person WITHIN THE WEEK, and within a few days if possible.
•When visiting isn’t possible, be a REGULAR PRESENCE with texting and phone calls. Just be sure to stress that there’s no need to call or text back.
If you are an acquaintance, with, say, regular interaction at work or in your social life:
•YOU CAN WAIT A WEEK OR TWO to send an email, a card, or flowers.
•DON’T MAKE IMMEDIATE CONTACT, as it can overwhelm the person.
•IT’S PROBABLY BEST NOT TO CALL, even if you have been in a similar situation. People often feel overwhelmed by too many phone calls.
If you have limited social interaction, for example, you don’t know someone’s last name but you see them a lot in the neighborhood, at social events, or in the workplace and you have a mutual regard:
•YOU CAN WAIT to acknowledge the issue in person or with a card when you see them next, which may even be several weeks or more. But first, consider the level of discretion that certain experiences might require.
•YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
A SPECIAL NOTE TO BOSSES
According to research, and also anyone you’d ever ask, “high-quality connections” and compassion in the workplace help employees readjust after significant loss or illness. When bosses don’t acknowledge employees’ difficult times, it doesn’t make the employees more productive; they’ll probably be quite the opposite. Instead of pretending everything is normal, simply acknowledge what has happened.
THE MOMENT YOU HEAR OF AN EMPLOYEE’S DIFFICULTY, FIND A PRIVATE MOMENT TO SAY “I’M SORRY”
Bosses should also strongly consider sending flowers and/or a card, should follow up with the employee to find out if any special accommodations are needed, and should expect to be flexible as time goes on. Going the extra mile to work with HR and a willingness to get creative around time off is crucial, too. What we’ve heard time and time again is that the return in employee loyalty is well worth it.
“My boss was very flexible about my work schedule and let me work at home for a few months. I was probably a pretty poor worker at that time, but it paid off in the long run. I stayed with the organization for a long time and really gave a lot later.”
—Alvin, whose daughter was born with a heart condition
Also, make sure to ask your employee how the situation is going every once in a while. As a young man with multiple sclerosis told us: “I don’t want to focus on my illness in the workplace, but I appreciate that my boss checks in to make sure that I’m okay.”
THE BOTTOM LINE: ADEQUATE IS AWESOME.
IF WHAT YOU CAN OR WANT TO GIVE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SIMPLE “I’M SORRY” THAT’S BETTER THAN TURNING AWAY
If the thing you most love to give isn’t needed right now, your offer (even if it’s not accepted) is better than turning away. And if what you want to give is the moon and stars because you have that much time, inclination, or sense of responsibility (not to mention resources and a rocket ship), that’s better than turning away, too.
If we imagine that helping equals rescuing someone from their pain, we’re more likely to shy away from the effort. We could easily feel unprepared to handle such a large responsibility or errone
ously conclude it’s not our place to do so in the first place. Even when we’re feeling confident in our ability to shoulder a ton of things for other people, it takes only one long day at work, one awful night with the kids, or one awesome invitation to get away for the weekend for us to decide we need to relegate that big job of empathy for another day. If you are struggling with feeling like what you’re giving is inadequate, know this: you are probably doing great.
DOING ANYTHING,
EVEN SMALL THINGS,
IS TOTALLY ADEQUATE.
AND ADEQUATE IS AWESOME.
PART THREE:
JUST HELP ME NOT BE A DISASTER
CHAPTER 6:
PLEASE NEVER SAY THIS
(THANKS!)
“My uncle fancied himself a spiritual mentor and said, ‘I see this as a sign of unresolved issues between you and your mother.’ Fuck. You.”
—Heather, a cancer survivor
Carla is a good friend of mine, and a very optimistic person. When she started losing her vision, the doctors couldn’t figure out why. Naturally enough, she was having a hard time getting through all the medical tests, and the results had started pointing in one terrifying direction.
Carla called me the day she learned the news: she had multiple sclerosis. This was worse than I had been expecting. But Carla, ever the optimist, said she was actually feeling pretty relieved to know and pretty hopeful overall. She said that the doctors told her it can take a long time for the symptoms to progress, and that so long as she didn’t turn completely blind, she was, for the time being, feeling sort of okay about it.
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